A/N: Hi everyone! I have read all of your reviews and I can't tell you how much they all mean to me! I am so happy you are enjoying this story. I have warning for you for this chapter: I wrote the three big conversations and the first page or two for this chapter about a week before the premiere. I didn't have the time to fill in all of the other spaces and post it before the premiere so I didn't worry about it. Two episodes later and I see that the conversations I wrote greatly resemble what was said on the show so far. That makes me hopeful for the season and Olitz but not so much for this story. So basically, sorry if this story just seems like déjà vu for what you've already seen on screen. I still hope you enjoy it in the context of what I've previously written and I hope to continue.
"Liv, this is disgusting."
"I know! Keep going."
"You shouldn't do that with a penis. It's unnatural."
"It is literally nature, Fitz!"
Fitz grunted in disagreement as he obligingly swiped his iPad screen to scroll down on the entomology website while Olivia lay grossly fascinated on his shoulder. It started innocently enough when they decided to browse through the children's Big Book of Bugs that they decided to get Ella for her birthday. An hour and several websites and categories later, they were now on mating rituals.
"If nothing else, I very much appreciate your restraint now," Fitz said as he rubbed soft circles around his hand's resting place atop her hip.
Olivia responded by grazing her hand teasingly just above his pelvic bone. "To be fair, it's completely selfish on my part. I wouldn't want to damage the goods." Fitz dipped his head and began to gently nibble on her collar bones. Olivia exploded into laughter, bucking and kicking to get away.
"Fine! Fine, we'll stop reading it!" She could barely get the words out as she cackled and gasped for air. He finally got her pinned down and looked at her as she tried to compose herself. Her smile was remarkable. Her genuine smile. Not just the business one that seems to be her default. Nor the one the screams "danger" when it's clearly the only thing stopping her from attacking. He slowly inched his face towards hers until their lips rested on each other. He lightly kissed her lips, then her chin, her neck, her collarbone, then her chest over her heart. He slowly inched farther down leaving goosebumps in his wake.
"You're going to be exhausted for the birthday party tomorrow. And I don't have any matching concealer and foundation for you," he heard her speak from above.
He laughed abruptly over her naval causing her to suck in her stomach a bit. "I'm the President of the United States. I'm always exhausted." He heard a skeptical "mmhmm" and laid his head on her stomach with a sigh.
"Ok, you can let it all out now." He saw her brows furrow over the mounds of her breast before sitting up. "Your plan. Or ideas or advice. Whatever you've been holding in for weeks."
Olivia sat up and gave him a suspicious eye. "You said you didn't want my help with this." He gave a slight shrug saying, "I partly just wanted to see how long you'd last. I always know when you're thinking about it because you vibrate with containment and I wanted to see if you'd actually explode one day."
Fitz watched as her face hilariously went from offended to slightly hurt and, finally, to acceptance.
Fitz watched as Olivia began to detail her plan and it looked as though an actual light illuminated inside of her.
"Abby's plan is ok so far. It's basic enough but this is huge and the media are not going to keep taking 'this is personal' for long. We need to set up an interview to discuss the divorce. Nothing too invasive but nothing obviously evasive either. Not a long Oprah's couch interview but not you just speaking at people instead of to them. Give them the illusion of intimacy."
Fitz thought his plan might have backfired because Olivia still looked as though she would explode, this time with excitement and the high of work. It was one of the most attractive qualities about her. Her drive and love for what she did. Seeing the wheels turn in her mind through her eyes and the fire they produced. He could watch her work all day, even if it did involve this particularly sore spot.
"For tomorrow, everything just has to remain calm. You and Mellie will have to fast-forward to amicable divorced couple with kids. At least in public. You don't get the privilege of "their working it out' in the public eye. There should never be any accusation in your words or tone. She can easily play the slighted wife card, especially with an exposed affair and other rumors under your belt."
Olivia's tone faded and the light under her skin dimmed with her last sentence. He wondered if Amanda Tanner's ghost walked across the room at the mention of her, carrying the truth of what he'd done. The drunken night of desperation paired with a short-sided plan of removing Olivia from Mellie's toolshed by throwing her into the lion's den of the media. He made a futile attempt to clear his throat of the guilt.
"Ok…I think…I will do it," Fitz corrected himself. "We'll just make sure the birthday girl and Teddy have a good time."
"Karen won't be there?" Olivia looked up again to ask. "Having the entire family there would be better. Everyone is going to look at the children during this entire thing. Teddy is young and probably doesn't know what's going on but they'll know that Karen knows wh…"
"No, Liv," Fitz said as he made his way out of the bed. He paced the floor a bit before turning back to her. "Their entire lives have been for our gain. Mellie and I. Just another piece of the political puzzle. I won't do that anymore. I can't."
Olivia slowly nodded her head as she looked up at him. "Ok. Ok." She reached down on the floor and grabbed her discarded silk pajama top and slid it over her head. As her head popped through the hole, she remarked to him, "And you need to behave tomorrow, too!"
"Huh? I said I'll be fine," Fitz responded with confusion.
"I mean with me, Fitz. We're Ella's godparents so we're expected to be together for some of the day but no funny business."
"What? I'm not going to pull you into the bushes for a quickie?!"
"You have before," Olivia said throwing him an accusing look.
"That was one time! And it wasn't at a kid's birthday party, either!" Fitz plopped back on the bed and leaned over to give her a smothering kiss when she playfully dodged and rolled out of bed. He watched as she sauntered into the bathroom and heard her prepare to shower. He thought of following her in but thought better of doing so.
Fitz laid back in Olivia's bed and made himself comfortable. He really was tired and knew some shut eye was needed. He let his mind wander and think about the day that lay ahead, rehearsing how he should greet and mingle with Mellie throughout the day. He'd heard it before but experience proved how much politics truly was a play and he had to be an actor. He let his mind drift to the more pleasant thoughts of being with Olivia and Teddy together in such an easy setting. He knew Olivia was right. They couldn't appear to be more than acquaintances, mild friends at most, while so many people were around. He wanted to tell everyone to screw themselves and arrive with Olivia hand in hand but knew it wasn't time. Not yet. He supposed his dreams would have to suffice for the time being.
Fitz stirred in bed after having fallen asleep. All of the lights were off now and he knew it had been some time. He rolled and reached for Olivia but only felt the crumbled and cool sheets. He looked around trying to adjust his eyes to the dark and rub the sleep away. He saw Olivia's dark silhouette sitting at the end of the bed and softly called out to her.
"Liv, you ok?" He reached for the side lamp on her side of the bed when she softly stopped him with the touch of her hand. He could see her a bit more clearly now. She was still in her bath robe and her hair was in tight ringlet curls. "Liv?" he called to her again.
She didn't remove her gaze from the empty spot next to him and spoke quietly but steady enough.
"Fitz, what I said about us behaving during the birthday party, I meant it. We can't be found out. Not yet." She took a slow, deep breathe before going on.
"You know that saying about having to be a whole person before starting a relationship? They tell you that you're not supposed to look for someone to complete you because you are already whole. I always thought about that before seriously dating someone, especially you." She looked over to him briefly then. He couldn't see the expression on her face but heard the tone in her voice.
"I was a whole person. I am a whole person. I thought that would make me safe. Then I met you. I was still whole and you were, too, but…I felt as though we began to…to merge with each other. Slowly I felt us colliding in this magnificent way. I felt as though I was losing myself with you. In you. Then I realized that when you left, you would take that piece of me with you and I wouldn't be whole again. And I couldn't do that." Her voice trailed off and they were silent for a minute or two.
"I am a successful woman. I am a very successful woman. I am a very successful black woman. I am marginally known publically. Everything I do and achieve will be linked to those parts of me. I am automatically elected as a poster child for my sex and race, no matter how I feel of it. And some times that was the best feeling in the world. Knowing that I could show who we really are, not just who we're assumed to be." He heard the pride in her voice and he smiled a bit at the sound. The smile fell with her next words, "And many times, it's too much. They take my failures along with my successes. My flaws along with my strengths. Knowing this meant that being with you felt traitorous sometimes. I was losing larger pieces of myself in you everyday and when you would eventually leave, when the love of a man would bring me to my knees, I wouldn't be the woman I was supposed to be. It felt so…regressive, to let a man affect me so much. To change me so much. That's how I felt. That's what they'll say."
Olivia looked back at Fitz one more time before she stood and returned to the bathroom once again. His sight drifted towards the window where he could see the beginnings of the approaching dawn and he thought of a very different outcome to his once comforting thoughts of the future.
Fitz watched his son, goddaughter, and five other children run around in a circle screaming for no other reason than the enjoyment of the noise and motion. He greatly wanted to join them but instead had to walk the minefield of adults around him. Their arrival went smoothly with no more than a few tense words through clenched teeth. Nothing new or tricky there. He greeted Teddy and Mellie warmly when they arrived shortly after he did. He thought as though he struck the right balance with Mellie in front of the press. Polite parents being there for their son. He made sure to keep up the façade while indoors as well, heeding Olivia's words that they would definitely be watched there as well. They took photos together, spoke for a moment or two afterwards, then separated for a while. It seemed to be an effective pattern that they repeated for the duration of the party. He did the same with Olivia but with much less frequency. It was a stage, he reminded himself, and they all had their parts to play.
He felt the idea anger him more and more as the party went along and he stole into the house for an intermission. He wandered about with only the shadow of his secret service agent to accompany him. He'd been to Cyrus's home before but not in some time. He found himself in a hallway lined with pictures. They looked to be in chronological order and Fitz slowly walked along the hallway watching the progression of Cyrus's life. He knew this must have been James's idea rather than Cyrus's. He smiled at the pictures of them smiling with Ella in their arms like a happy couple. Then James's face faded from the collection and they were mostly of Ella and other people he didn't quite recognize.
He imagined Cyrus continue this tradition after James's death as a way to keep him alive. The idea didn't match up with the cutthroat man he knew for so long. He began to feel a twisted comradery with him knowing their shared pain, knowing that Gerry's face faded out his family photos as well. Fitz felt a shadow creep across his face and an ache in his heart with the memory. He then heard Cyrus's voice coming from the kitchen and followed to speak with him. The closer he approached the voice, the more he remembered why he hadn't heard it in so long. Cyrus knowingly and willingly betrayed him. Once he was in Fitz's sight, the shadow of grief had turned into a heated rage under the surface of his skin.
Cyrus was in the middle of a frenzy of people bringing in empty trays, taking out filled ones to the guest in the backyard, setting up the gift table, and keeping things in general order. Cyrus shooed the last of them away after doing an apparently unsatisfactory job with the birthday cupcakes. They found themselves alone and Fitz tried to calm himself before he spoke. He wanted to ask him why. Why did he work with Rowan knowing what he'd done? He knew the answer, though. It was always the same excuse for everything Cyrus wanted to justify. He couldn't hear those words come out of his mouth again with regard to his son, so he decided to ask another question at the forefront of his mind.
"What are you up to, Cyrus?"
Cyrus looked up startled for a moment, then resumed his preparations as he spoke, "Ah, Mr. President! I hope you and your family are enjoying yourselves. Global warming seems to be on our side today with the weather and I remembered Teddy's allergy. Well, Michael remembered and your staff reminded me repeatedly for weeks. I guess Lizzy Bear and Charlotte are working out well…"
"Cut the bullshit, Cy. What are you planning? I know you want back in and it will not happen. Whatever you are going to do won't work." Fitz's voice was venomous and he unclenched his hands and jaw with some effort. Cyrus paused but seemed unfazed by his tone.
"I don't have to do anything. You both will do it to yourselves. You always say how you'll sacrifice your career for her, give it all away for her. Do you really think she would do the same for you? Do you really think that once the media attacks like wild rabid dogs, picking her apart, dissecting her, and vilifying her that she will think you were worth it all? That you were worth sacrificing the climb she had to make to be where she is now? You think she'll hug you tighter at night once the slurs and damnations start?" Cyrus darkly chuckled and lifted the tray of cupcakes, heading for the patio doors. "Ok, yeah sure. You are naïve about this and you decided to infect her, too. Good luck, Mr. President."
Fitz felt punched in the gut for the second time that day by the same words, the same truth. He was glad Cyrus left immediately because he would know how to respond. He wasn't even sure there was a response to what both Cy and Olivia said to him.
Fitz stood staring at the scene outside of presumed happy adults hovering over their children. Everyone making happy and civil conversations with each other and Fitz wondered which of them would push them over a ledge first for their own gain. Fitz put his stage smile back on and entered stage right.
Olivia searched through her overnight bag for her wide-tooth hairbrush inside of the residence bathroom. She almost dumped the entire bag onto the counter before she finally found it and began detangling her hair. As she did so, she saw Fitz walk through the door in his pajama pants and a fitted dark navy blue t-shirt. He smiled at her weakly and began to brush his teeth in the adjourning sink. She found herself sneaking peaks at him while he brushed. His biceps in the shirt and the thin pants material made her want to abandon straightening her hair, thinking it futile with what she had in mind for the next few hours. She noticed the tenseness in his face at the party and still now. She knew her words to him that morning still lingered but she had to tell him. He had to know what was coming. He was always so hopeful about them coming out. She thought that he believed the world would see her the same way he did. It just wasn't true. She didn't mean to push him away, she just didn't want him to be disillusioned and unprepared once it all came crashing on them.
She saw Fitz finish brushing and rinse his mouth when he abruptly spoke.
"I think it's an exchange. Not a loss." With that morning's conversation fresh in her mind, Olivia didn't have trouble following him. They stared at each other through the bathroom mirror.
"We don't lose a part of ourselves when we are together, we exchange a part. We are still whole but now we are…we're new. Whole but new. Forever apart of each other."
Fitz faced Olivia then and she turned to do the same. She saw that passion in his eyes that was both endearing and terrifying to her at times. Intoxicating even. "I will fight with you. I will fight for you. I don't know what else I should do, what else I could do, or if it will even help but I promise that is the very least you will get of me."
Olivia looked down as she set her hairbrush down and heard the clinking noise as it hit the porcelain countertop. She looked back up and faced Fitz when she spoke, "I know that now, Fitz. I know." She did know. It didn't change how society would swarm on her once they all knew of her relationship with Fitz.
Olivia gently led Fitz to the bed to settle for the evening. As they fell asleep with their foreheads and noses connected, there was an ease in her stomach. Love wouldn't be an excuse with the public but at least she knew she wasn't alone. She was changed, not incomplete.
