I'm a badass; but I have a romantic side. If you mention that to anyone I will not hesitate to cut you. So, only Rachel gets to experience this side. I love this girl so damn much that sometimes I just want to squish her. I mean, she's small enough to basically fit into my pocket. Everyone thinks I put up a façade of being a bitch, but they just don't get that I really am a bitch. It's toned down now that school doesn't exist anymore. I get to enjoy being with Rachel. Like right now.

Today is perfect. I've set out a nice picnic with a bottle of white wine. There isn't much by way of food, but there are crackers and some random snacks about the blanket. My hobbs has been busy with her crazy and I've been trying to sort out the rest of our situation. It's been a while since I've gotten to have proper cupcakin'.

I'm sitting down, enjoying a small sip of this cheap wine. I steal a few glances across from me at Rachel. She's got her head tilted adorably with a mask of confusion and thought adorning her pretty face.

"San?"

I hum a response because I've just put a few more sips of wine into my mouth.

"I don't think Quinn has ever had an orgasm."

Holy shit. Where did all my air go? Probably on the blanket with the rest of my mouthful of wine.

God, it's hard to breathe.

"San? What….oh my god, breathe!"

"Tr..hnh…." Finally, I'm coughing and a few breaths full of oxygen make its way to my lungs.

Rachel leans over to roughly pat on my back.

"Gosh, I'm so sorry. I hadn't realized that anything I say would sound incredibly off-base."

"Berry, you gotta warn a girl. You don't just… out and say something like that without preamble."

I run my hand through my hair, searching for something in my brain to translate why she would comment on such a thing about Fabray. And, how she would come to that conclusion. Blowing out a puff of air, getting the remains of liquid from my windpipe, I decide to just take the direct approach.

"Why do you think tubbers has never had an orgasm? And… why exactly were you thinking about that in the first place?"

"She has only had the one sexual experience with Puck and she hardly seems like the type to indulge in self-satisfaction, especially considering that her background in religion would have her believe it's a dirty act."

This is the strangest conversation to be having right now. On a date.

"Well, short-stuff, you never know. She did grind with Finn and probably Sam."

My girlfriend rolles her eyes and continues on her train of thought, "Yes, but I'm sure you are well aware of Finn's early arrival problem. I doubt he provided enough friction to cause a climax. I've certainly never experience one during our courtship."

"Barf. Please do not mention you and Finncompetant again." I shivered because… that's fucking nasty. Ha! As if he could ever keep up with girl. Hell, even I have trouble keeping up with her somedays. It's those damn vocal and breathing techniques, I swear.

Quinn and I haven't really been too buddy-buddy as of late. I started spending my summer with Berry and rarely had time for her. I kind of feel bad, but she went kind of crazy with her Pink hair and skanks. Thank GOD she's back to normal.

"So," Rachel starts up again. "I still stand my theory that Quinn has yet to experience climax. As you know, her birthday is coming up and I was hoping to… Well. You know."

My eyebrows rise up on their own volition and my arms place the wine I had beside me. I cross my arms and just hope she isn't going where I think she is.

"Rachel. I really hope you aren't going to offer her 'help' in that area. "

She gives me a curt nod. "I am."

"What the fuck, Rach?"

"It's the end of the world and we could die. I find it incredibly sad for someone so young meet their demise without experiencing such an intimate gesture."

"No fucking way. You're mine."

Fuck that. I rush forward to crash our lips together, knocking over my wine glass. She tastes like mint and berries and wine and the unique flavor that is my Rachel.

One thing about her that no one would ever expect was that she is quite the champion in the sack. I should have figured she'd say something about Fabray sooner or later. It blame it one the threesomes with our friend August. It was only a two-time thing before the girl moved to Columbus. The sex was great, but it caused a minor rift. It was me who had insecurities. I kept wondering whether or not she was thinking about her during our one-on-one lovemaking. There is no way in hell I want to share her with Q.

I pull back from out kiss. "I'm not letting Fabray touch you. No way in hell."

Oh god, she pushes her bottom lip out in an adorable pout. No. No. No. No.

"But, Saaaaan."

"If you let me I'll do that thing you want so bad."

Hold, up.

"….."

"And she won't touch me back."

"I'm not budging, hobbit."


"Good evening, fellow … glee members."

"Rach, we're not even in glee anymore," Finn offers.

"It's just easier to address you all as such. Now, let's call the meeting to order. Kurt, would you like to read the minutes from our previous meeting?"

Kurt stands up and fiddles with his tie. "Well, now we talked about maintaining the upkeep of the trees and bushes. Duties have been assigned to Finn Hudson until further notice."

Finn groans. "That's just dumb. Why would I have to snip some trees?"

"Because you get people killed, dumbass," I bark out. Seriously, he survived this shit?

"Order, Order!" Rachel stamps the makeshift gavel against a book on her lap. "Kurt Hummel, please continue." She sends warning glares to both Finn and I.

Porcelain sighs. "Next, we discussed, extensively, about Quinn Fabray and Rachel Berry's excursion to acquire and undead specimen for further research. At which point Santana and Puck yelled, 'Ob-fucking-jection.' Then there was chaos in the Berry manor. Shall we bring out the pro and con list, Ms. Berry?"

My girl shakes her head. Thank GOD, we exhausted that list for hours. Kurt continues, "Right, then. After the list and seven storm outs, we came to the conclusion of supporting this outing."

"Like hell we did."

"Santana! Please keep order in the court."

"Fine."

Rachel went over her books and called out, "Quinn Fabray, are you present?"

"I am, Ms. Berry."

"Without looking up from her notes, she continued, "Ms. Fabray will you honor your pact for this dangerous excursion?"

"I will." Fabray is taking this way too seriously.

"Perfect. We leave in exactly four days. Please make the necessary preparations."

Both Quinn and Puck nod.

"Now this is a more personal matter. Kurt, please write down these minutes."

"I'm on it."

"Ugh, what are you going on about now," Mercedes groaned.

"Quiet, wheezy, you'll be charged with contempt or something," I whisper loud enough for my hobbs to hear.

"Now, how many of you have yet to experience an orgasm? And how many of you are still a virgin?"