Pretty important chapter, this one. Since pretty much from here, things go a bit wrong.
VII. We Do Have Hearts
I trusted Valitus completely. Whenever he would tell me to do something, it always worked out for the better. He could make me see all sorts of things I would never have done myself. Like how to send out turrets of water and drown everything in the way. Like how amusing it was to disrupt Axel's power by snuffing his flames.
We were selfish in that sense. We lived for the sole purpose of amusement. If we couldn't entertain, then there was nothing left in the day.
We used others. He pretended to like others to stimulate himself. I wanted the attention of others to make sure I was still here and wasn't simply the carpet.
We both got bored easily. It was mission, sleep, talk or snacks. Since we didn't have hearts, food wasn't a necessity to keep us going. Axel often ate out when he was angry (and bring back an ice cream for Saix as an apology), I couldn't count how many times I had seen Zexion eat a sandwich on those times he didn't have his nose in a book. I often chose sour candies.
What was boredom? Was that an emotion, something people with hearts feel?
Beats me.
I stretched on my bed, taking up as much room as I was able to. Have I really got to do this? How long have we been stuck in this place?
Two months is my guess.
And in that time, Vexen's got no closer to finding out how to make Kingdom Hearts. Will it even help us? What if we're just working towards something that's actually impossible to reach?
Have a bit of faith. It can't be like this forever.
It's not that I'm worried about. Even if we make Kingdom Hearts, how do we know that it will give us hearts? If we only need one, can't we just kill a random Heartless and stick it into ourselves?
Vexen would pummel you if he heard you. I think he told you before that we need a lot of hearts to sustain our being.
Why does everyone make such a great fuss about it though? We still have emotions and that.
We weren't born with one. It was stolen, essentially. It's instinct to try and take back what you had before.
But even if these feelings aren't ours, there isn't anyone left to claim them. We might as well take them for ourselves.
Now that sounds selfish.
I cracked a smile. They aren't ours, but what's the use if they're only going to be buried? Everything I feel is important, I don't want to think they're not real.
Even if they aren't?
Especially if they aren't. I was diagnosed as a schizophrenic, even though I didn't know what the word meant at first. If we don't have hearts, then all I want is some proof. I don't want to ignore these feelings just because someone tells me to.
What if you do find your proof? What will you do then?
I'll accept whatever the answer may be. But I know that we have them, we have to. I feel happy whenever I'm around Xigbar, there are times I laugh genuinely. How could I have recalled those memories when I don't even remember such a thing?
Memories are precious things. They are a biological record of what has happened in your life, and can be modified and repressed at will. They may not always be accurate, but they are a fair representation of what has happened in the past.
Memories are stupid then, if they're not even accurate.
Indeed. Hearts, however, change for the better.
What do you mean?
As a Somebody, the only thing that keeps you going is the Heart. If you have a wish you definitely want to fulfil, then the Heart is filled with power. If there's someone you want to protect no matter what, the Heart ensures that will always be the case.
A physical Heart can't do all that though. What if by 'Heart', it's not the physical sense? On a completely different level. Without a Heart, the Somebody in question doesn't get sufficient oxygen into their system.
Meaning?
What if by 'Heart', it meant life itself?
Nobodies are created because the Somebody refused to have a peaceful death. Therefore by having no 'Heart', it sums up that your Nobody life is unnatural, non-existent.
You see, I fail to see that. True, the Nobodies refuse to bleed, have more dark energy than most people and have incredible powers granted after birth, but we still breathe, have the capability to laugh and cry, even if they are all immensely restricted. Even if we have different origins than everyone else, it can't be generalised that we're not meant to exist.
Once consumed by the darkness, the Somebody's meant to stay down.
And a Nobody's formed when the Somebody realises their mistake, or basically has a strong will. The realisation that what they did is wrong, and that the Nobody is a tool used to redeem yourself and correct the wrongs.
And how will you correct yours? You don't remember where you came from.
I would have to redeem in different ways. Be someone that would live six futures.
Six? You killed five.
Six including me. If five lives were the price of my future, then my future would have to be better than any of them. A Nobody is the reincarnation of the Somebody's soul. Even though the physical body may be slightly different, it still serves the same purpose. Someone like Vexen would probably refuse to put his head round it, but as long as I believe it enough, I can make use of this second chance to the fullest.
Despite all that optimistic thought, there was something about Zexion I simply abhorred. He was smarmy, arrogant and to make things worse, he got credit for such things. He got the job done with no faults whatsoever, and it was admittedly hard for me to forget our first mission together.
He was across the Grey Area from me, engrossed in his book once again. There had been several days I wanted to steal it from his grasp and bully him, but even I could tell he wasn't the laughing sort.
He would let his leg bounce and turn a page ever so slowly from the top. I would watch him with narrowed eyes, inwardly hoping that one day he would embarrass himself – drop it, have an accident, anything. He was always so perfect it aggravated me.
It was on an afternoon like this he looked up at me. "Is something the matter?" he asked across the room, ignoring the fact Saix had twitched at the break of silence.
I shook my head in a daze. "No, I just have a lot on my mind."
"Oh. I would never have guessed." And with that, he returned to reading just like that. But that little conversation made me more of a fool and him more satisfied that he had humiliated me. I didn't look it, but I have more in my head than anyone! This brain thinks for two people, not one!
Don't worry. His time will come.
