'Izzy, are you even listening to me?'
I am pulled out of my own mind be Amanda. I look at her and smile apologetically. We had been in Yaxleys for half an hour, and I was lost in my own head thinking back to mine and rose's earlier conversation.
'Sorry, I just zoned out there'
'I kind of guessed that!'
'Um, so what were you saying?'
'Just some random shit 'bout Josh, nothing major' She replies airily. Josh is one of the five.
'Do u want to talk about what's bothering u?'
I try to look indifferent. 'Nothings bothering me'
'Ah Iz, you do know this bff thing works both ways right?'
'I thought I was just a potential bff, don't I have more tests to pass?' I try to lighten the conversation.
'Well you showed up and I like you, so I am just going to waive the rest of the tests.' She tells me with a glint in her eyes. She hold out her hand for me to shake and says 'Congratulations you're my new bff, now spill'
'Really I'm fine' I say smiling at her. 'So what was the random shit about Josh?' I ask trying to get her back on to that topic.
She takes a moment, seeming to consider me and finally says 'I can see I am going to have to bring out the big guns.'
I look at her in what I can only assume is a quizzical manner, and she just smiles while getting up and walking to the bar.
Two hours later and I have realised that the big guns was copious amounts of alcohol. And by copious amounts I mean a hell of a lot. I mean that between the two of us we have just consumed more alcohol than I have previously drank in my entire life, and considering I went through a whole drinking to forget stage (which resulted in short term memory loss, but never what I was actually trying to go for), I mean a lot.
Amanda leaned back in her chair, gave me an appraising look and then said 'Now spill.'
'It's really not that interesting' I tried to put her off.
'Well then you should have no problem spilling' was the reply. Obviously my new bff was not one to be deterred.
I looked at her, at her open and honest face, and made a decision. I don't think it's the alcohol talking, but obviously I can't be 100% sure, but the thought of being able to talk to someone about this. Someone who has absolutely no connection to him, I felt like it was something that I needed.
'Okay' I started. 'Just don't judge me - it's about a boy.'
I went on to tell her the whole story, well an abridged version of the whole story. The main points were all there. Me moving to Forks, me meeting the infamous, gorgeous Cullen's, me falling in love with one of them, me almost believing that he felt the same way. Him breaking up with me, him and his entire family, some of which I thought of as close friends, leaving without even saying goodbye, my reaction to it, my very, very bad reaction to it. Everything that led me up to this point including the very recent reappearance of two of the Cullen's in my life and the even more recent realisation of what that actually meant.
Amanda leant back in her seat, she had been leaning in to me towards the end, giving me unspoken support to carry on with my story. 'Wow' was all she said
I looked at her 'I know.'
'And after all this time..' she let the statement tail off. I knew she was really asking a question.
'Yes' I answered.
'How? How can you still love him?' I know she couldn't reconcile the fact that he hurt me so much and that my heart, my soul still belongs to him. How do I explain that it always will.
'It's not his fault that he doesn't love me, I think back on our time together and I realise he did try, I guess I was never the one for him.' I feel the sting of tears in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I need to make her see that this isn't his fault, that I have never blamed him. 'I was the one that was in the wrong. I was too into the relationship, my whole life revolved around him, and my biggest problem was that it never stopped revolving around him even when he was gone'
'Izzy, I know you are trying to take all the blame, but if he never felt the same way as you, then he never should have led you on.' I start to shake my head but she cuts me off before I can say anything. 'Look I know you are never going to agree with me so lets move on'
I nod
'Now about this Alice' she looks at me.
'What about her?'
'She was your best friend?' I just nod. 'And she just leaves without even saying goodbye?' Again I nod.
'Well I hope you agree that that was just plain wrong, And I thought my ex bff was a bitch!'
'I believe your exact words were evil manwhore bitch' I remind her, thinking that whatever her friend did, had to be worse than what Alice did.
'Yea but at least she was there when my life went to shit, even if she was the reason' I look at her inquisitively, but she just replies that we will get into that another night, because we are to busy dealing with my 'gone to shit' life now.
'So what are you going to do?'
'I have no idea, I mean it's not like I can run away from this, Emmett wouldn't let me.' I sigh deeply and then take a big gulp from my wine.
'Do you want to run away?' she asks while getting up.
'Yea, kind of, I just I don't know,' I really don't
'Well I am going to get another bottle,'
'Really, you know I have to work tomorrow right?'
'You're a young girl, act like it' she said while she was walking away.
Five minutes later she is back with a smile on her face and a bottle of wine in her hand. 'So where were we?'
'My inability to even realise how I feel' yea definitely had too much to drink.
'Trust me that's not always a bad thing, I have been known to do a lot of embarrassing stuff based on realising how I actually feel!'
'Don't tell me, we'll talk about your life another night?' I smile.
'I got to make sure you keep coming back doll face' she says in a serious face before we both burst out laughing.
Another glass of wine and another lead in to the conversation she wants to have.
'Iz, why should you want to run away?'
'Self preservation, or at least preserving what little is left.' I reply, the alcohol making me honest.
'Keep going'
'I don't think that I can bear to look in his eyes and see the cold hard indifference he has for me.'
'Keep going'
'The last time that I saw him he destroyed the biggest part of me'
'Keep going'
'I'd take damnation to see him just one more time' the tears start to fall.
'Is he worth it?'
'He's worth everything, he is so much more than I ever could be, then I ever could deserve'
'Your wrong' she states
I look at her, a question in my gaze.
'He used you, he knew how he felt and he led you on, your too hung up on the way that you feel to see clearly but he never deserved you. He never deserved your unconditional love. And he is definitely not more than you could ever be.' She sounded so convinced, so clear that it was truth, but I knew otherwise, he was more and he was always out of my reach. That was my shortcoming, not his.
We talked for another hour, her trying to show me that I was better, me not buying it. In the end all that was sorted out was the fact that I wasn't going to run away, no matter what happened. After all he is the one that left me so it falls on him to keep his distance.
We left the bar only when we got kicked out. We made arrangements to meet for lunch later in the week and then went our separate way.
It was late, but I was drunk so while Amanda went to hail a cab I decided to walk the short journey home.
As I turned the block I found the hulk waiting for me. I went up and gave him a big hug.
'Ah belly bean, you are soooo drunk'
'I only had a little Emmy bear.'
He chuckled, picking me up he started to carry me towards home. As we were walking, or as he was walking and I was jiggling, I suddenly started to feel a very unpleasant sensation rising up from my stomach.
'Ah Em, I don't feel to good, I think I am going to be ….'
Thankfully Emmett had the presence of mind to hold me over some greenery, while I threw up the entire contents of my stomach.
I don't remember anything else until we are in my apartment and Emmett is trying to force water down my throat.
'Come on Bella, drink the water like a good girl'
'Aw Em. Just let me sleep' I splutter trying to knock the glass out of his hand.
In the end he relents and takes me to my room, tucking me into bed I am suddenly overcome with emotion ad the tears start to fall.
'Bella, what is it?'
'I don't get it' I ask confused.
'Get what?'
'Why are you here, acting like you care?'
Emmett looks like I have just kicked his puppy. 'Bella I do care'
'Why now, why not then, why not when I still had a chance to be me again?'
'You are you'
'No I'm not, I'm no one, I'm a shell, an unwantable, unloveable shell'
'That's not what you are'
'THEN WHY DIDN'T HE WANT ME'
Silence.
Then the dam breaks and I cry.
