Disclaimer: Don't own. No money. ETC.
Jane sat with a sigh in the hospital waiting room. Again. She felt like she was always there for one reason or another. Especially lately. Contrary to what her mother (and Lieutenant) thought she didn't actually like hospitals. They were exhausting, no matter what she was there for. She slouched in the chair adjusting her hips in the cold plastic to keep her gun from digging into her side. She took a sip of her coffee and looked around the waiting room.
She couldn't help but wonder where it all went. It was a small thought she generally had when spending an unsolicited amount of time anywhere within those walls. And as she waited for Maura to finish with her follow up exam to take her home the thought invaded her mind once more.
Where did it go? The days? The hours? The personal effects? She knew as a detective, as a patient, as a family member, a friend the answer to that question was different depending on the shoes she was wearing.
When people were thrown into hospital things got scattered. They got lost and found and disappeared forever. She had lost a blazer as she kept a blood soaked hand over a gaping wound of an officer that was injured on seen, a blazer that had her case notes and favorite pen and good portion of her cards in it. And once on patrol after getting hit in the head by a frying pan during a domestic she had lost one of her boots. How that happened she had no idea, but when she came to her full uniform was there in a box at the foot of her bed only minus a boot. There were other things too, like a brand new pair of socks, a very trustworthy watch, and a St. Michaels pendant her mother gave her when she made detective. She never found any of those things again. They weren't in lost in found, some doctor or intern didn't have them. They were just gone.
Hospitals were deceptive places. Inside those walls stories, half-written and bloodied, were carried out without the author's consent. Stories of 'should have', 'could have', 'would have' flowed through loose lips of morphine, an unread letter, a ring in the pocket of a brand new suit. Whatever it was, things were never the same coming out as they were going in. And maybe that was what scared her so much.
She had no idea when she became so dependent, so involved with Maura. One day she was Detective Rizzoli, the ball buster from the drug unit trying to find her place in homicide and next she was taking vacation days with the chief ME and sitting next to hospital beds and thinking too much and wishing for too much and trying her best to make her best friend smile. Somehow over the years, Maura made her soft and it wasn't a totally horrible thing.
Jane let her head thunk against the wall behind her and closed her eyes. Maura was somewhere in that building getting felt up by some doctor who was asking her too many personal questions. (She felt a blush race up her neck and onto her ears at the thought.) When she left Frost and Korsak they were playing trashcan basketball in the bullpen and Frankie was probably sitting at her desk watching them and going through all of her stuff. She just wanted to go home, well, Maura's home and spend one last night with her before going back to her apartment. She sighed, briefly wondering on when Maura's home became a sort of second home to her, but before she could get too far ahead someone interrupted her.
"Jane?"
Instantly the detective sat up straight, eyes blinking rapidly as they landed on Casey. Her mind did a one-eighty and she was thrown for a loop. She swore she stopped breathing, that her heart stopped beating. The sides of her coffee cup gave a little at the sudden pressure imposed by her hand. The hair on the back of her neck bristled like a dog ready for a fight.
She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that he became that person to her. She couldn't quote the day, what she was wearing, or the weather when he changed, when she changed, when they changed but it was there. It was evident, clearly stated in suddenly tense muscles. She tried to curb the sharpness of her features, the intensity in her eyes but her guard was up, undoubtedly, and no amount of self-censoring would bring that wall down. They were so alike that it made them grind together in all of the wrong spots, made them weather and erode and left them weak in their most vulnerable places. She had enough, it took her that long but she was finally there. And now whatever door Casey had previously wide open in front of him was chained shut.
He was sitting in a wheelchair looking tired but there was a twinkle behind his blue eyes. He looked almost happy. It was the look of a painful recovery, of a 'just starting to get everything back in order' kind of recovery. She knew that look all too well. She wondered when he had his surgery, if it went well. He hadn't called her, hadn't reached out at all since the building collapsed. And there was that anger again, pulsing underneath her skin like a heartbeat. They sat for a moment in awkward silence, neither of them knowing what to say or what could be said. He coughed giving the uniformed man behind him a pointed look and waited for him to leave before speaking. "You look great." He commented easily gesturing to her form.
Jane looked down at her black slacks and V-neck out of habit. When people complimented her looks she never knew what they saw or why it mattered. There were other things she rather they comment on, like her work ethic, or telling her she did something brave, something daring, or that she did good work. Those were things that made chills sweep through her spine. Those were things people said with a strong jaw and hard eyes, those were things that mattered. Now, if she put more effort into her appearance, like someone like Maura did, then she would probably appreciate the compliment more, but as it was it always felt like a cheap one to her.
Regardless she knew she looked good, better than the last time he saw her. Although that wasn't saying much as the last time he saw her she was covered in dirt and so exhausted she couldn't see straight. After practically living with Maura for a week eating all of the right things when she should she felt a difference in her performance, in the mirror, in the way she felt. It helped too that work had been slow over the last few weeks, so she'd been able to get plenty of rest. She assumed Cavanaugh just wanted her to get some rest for once, and normally that would've set her off and she would've taken it straight to him until he gave her a case but she was on the precipice of burning out, running solely on fumes and every case was just taking more and more from her so that she was down to her last five percent.
She'd seen other detectives fall short because of that. They lost their jobs, they quit working hard, they lost their fire, took desk jobs. Burn out wasn't fun, and wasn't something she was looking forward to and it wasn't like she had nothing to do with her free time. She had spent most of it with Maura walking and talking and eating and taking Jo Friday to the dog park. And in doing so, in the small amount of recharging she was doing she felt her pieces come back together, she felt stronger after the fact.
"Everything okay?" Casey asked hesitantly after a moment of awkward silence.
"Maura had a…thing." She answered slowly.
"Oh." He nodded. "Is she…alright?"
Jane nodded midway through a sip of coffee. "What about you? Last I heard you were having surgery."
He knew he deserved the bitterness in her voice, but it was okay now. "It worked." He said quietly looking up at her. His smile grew like he still couldn't even believe it himself yet. Jane grinned, genuinely happy for him. The percent of success was very slim and she was glad that he wasn't dead or fully paralyzed, even though he probably never planned on telling her. "It's a long road ahead with lots of therapy but the future looks," Their eyes locked and it felt like all of the butterflies in her stomach he always seemed to cause just died. "It looks good."
Jane's smile slowly dropped. Did he really think he could just smile and say it was okay now and she would go running back to him? Did he really think after pushing her away countless times that he could just…that it would be fine? "Casey I -"
"I'm sorry that took longer than expected." Maura said without looking up as she riffled through her purse. She squirted some hand sanitizer on her hands and looked up straightening her blazer as she did and saw two sets of eyes on her. The shock in her face only lasted a second or two, the weight in her stomach lasted much longer. "Hello, Casey." She said icily.
He nodded coolly. "Maura."
Jane looked between the two, slightly confused at the cold indifference in which they regarded the other. She stood up from her chair and next to Maura. "You ready to go?"
As Jane walked passed her, Maura furrowed her eyebrows. Not bothering with a goodbye to the soldier she followed Jane whose steps were short and slow enough that Maura could catch up with her when she wanted. "Oh, you don't have to leave on my account. I could always get a cab, if you want to catch up."
"Don't be ridiculous." Jane pressed the down elevator button.
"I was trying to be sarcastic." The doctor whispered into Jane's ear.
The detective snorted trying to ignore the goose bumps Maura caused to race across her skin, and the light flush creeping up her neck. "You need to work on the delivery."
Maura smiled with a shake of her head. "So what did he want?" Maura asked sliding into the passenger side of her car.
Jane shook her head and started the car. "I think," She looked out of the back window as she backed out to give herself a little more time. "I think he wants to…try again…again. I'm not really sure."
"Oh." Again there was that weight, unmistakable in nature. It was dread, pure dread. She didn't know she could dislike someone as much as she disliked Casey Jones. He was arrogant almost, ironic in a way. He wanted to pretend he was something he wasn't, and she didn't like that. She hated it when people lied or presented themselves in a manner that they were not. She was sure she could give Jane a better than anything he could, and she wouldn't be terrible to her either. They – she and Jane – would be good for each other, in that sense. She glanced at the woman next to her. It wasn't that she never thought of dating the detective, but that she never thought of it seriously. Only now…
"But how was your thing?"
Maura swallowed thickly. "It was fine. I'm –I'm fine, everything's going as it should." Jane nodded her head as her thoughts moved in all different directions. The rest of the ride was made in silence.
…
Jane looked down at the pleasant weight pressed against her right shoulder. Her right arm had fallen asleep but she didn't have the heart to wake the person resting on top of it to get the blood flowing again. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. Maura had shifted during the course of the show they were watching. Her head rested against Jane's shoulder, her eyes were closed in sleep and her mouth was slightly open. The rest of her body was tucked underneath her, folded almost into herself and Jane. Jane couldn't help but revel in how Maura felt pressed against her, how nice it always felt when Maura was pressed against her.
She let her eyes trail over the shape of Maura's face. Her eyes roamed over the slope of her cheek, the rise and fall of her nose until they landed on slightly parted lips. She wondered if they felt as soft as they looked. She wondered what her lip gloss would taste like, how her body would feel pressed against hers in that way. She wanted to kiss her so hard and so long they would forget about everything else, and it was just them and Maura's magical couch and soft skin and soft lips.
She blinked.
Normally, her mind didn't race like that. Normally, if she thought of Maura in that context it didn't get that far. And usually when she thought of Maura that way it was after some big event, never when they were doing something as safe and simple as watching TV. But there she was, blurring the line again in her mind. It didn't surprise her. She felt it building inside of her for a while and seeing Casey that day only solidified her thoughts.
Her heart switched up on her, her allegiance had changed almost unnoticeably. As she sat on the couch yawning she thought of her latest romantic endeavors and where Maura would possibly fit in.
When she thought about Dean she thought about betrayal. He caught her in multiple vulnerable moments and after a night in bed he betrayed her trust by using what she had told him in confidence against her. She felt used and dirty and then he left, leaving her to deal with the fallout he created all by herself. They were not united. They weren't equals. He didn't think he did anything wrong, and she wasn't even sorry he got himself shot.
And Casey was an old wound that kept reopening. Everything he touched inside of her was full of fresh bitterness. He left her with questions, debilitating questions and insecurities like she was that dorky high school kid with a crush on the coolest guy at school again. Why wasn't she enough to love? What was her catch? Her defect? Was it the job? Or just her? Was she only worth sleeping with? Because he wasn't interested in anything else she had to offer. He wasn't interested in her heart, or her passions, or her emotions. He was so caught up in his own problems that he couldn't see what she was willing to give him. Casey was a big question mark of self-doubt. He was pain. He was 'not good enough' and rejection and hurt.
But Maura, when she thought about Maura the self-doubt disappeared. When she thought about Maura she thought about 'fun' facts and bad jokes and lightly scented citrus shampoo. She thought of gentle curves and a bright smile and wine. Maura was home, a safe place free of ridicule, a place she could hide away while her world shattered around her. She was her hallowed ground, her soft place to land. And everything, everything, about wanting to kiss her and hold her and so much more felt right.
She and Maura were equals, on level footing with another which was different than everyone else. There were no mind games, or tricks or foul play because they were friends, best friends. And maybe that was why people fell for their best friend.
Jane sank further into the couch and buried her nose in blond hair inhaling that perfect scent completely. Maura shifted against her at the movement burying her face in the crook of Jane's neck murmuring slightly against her skin as her arm came from between her knees to around Jane's waist. Jane closed her eyes trying to memorize the moment, trying to put all of it into her memory for later knowing that when they woke up the light of day would inject fear into her veins.
A/N: Thanks for reading/reviewing/alerting!
