Chapter 7

Matt was eleven. He was in the living room and his mom was knotting his tie. He was getting ready to go to the fifth grade dance with his pretty little friend Denise. He had known Denise since second grade—four years. Other kids giggled at them and referred to them as boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe that was because Matt had saved up his allowance to buy her a teddy bear for Valentines day, or maybe it was because Aurthur Dumas had seen them kiss under the slide at recess and blabbed it to everyone. It could also be because Denise wore a little plastic ring on her finger and pretended to be his wife. Matt liked Denise a lot even though Bret Barber always made fun of him and said he was Denise's little puppy. But it didn't matter to Matt. People could say what they wanted. Denise was his girl. They were going to the same middle school next year and maybe he would ask her out for real.

Matt's mom was knelt down on one knee and she looked up at him and adjusted his shirt collar and picked off some fuzz.

"There you go. You look so handsome." She smiled up at him. "Here's your flower to give her." She handed him a red carnation.

"Mom…" Matt whispered to her. "What did the doctor say?"

He knew he wasn't supposed to ask but he had seen yesterday's date circled on the calendar which meant she had been to the doctor.

"Don't pry into adult's business, Matthew." His dad said as he surfed channels on the t.v.

"Come here a minute honey…" She led Matt into his parent's bedroom and shut the door. "Matt, I don't want you to worry about me, okay?"

"I heard you and dad talking, I didn't mean to but I got up to use the bathroom and…" He sniffed and tried not to cry in front of his mom. "What do you mean a year? I heard you say it."

She looked down at her hands.

"I guess you know more than I thought." She swallowed hard. "Matt--"

"Hey mom!" Jeff's voice called out from the other room and interrupted her. "Mom, come here look what I can do, I made up a wrestling move!"

Matt and his mom went into the boy's room and saw Jeff standing on the edge of the top bunk which was his. He was preparing to do some dare-devilish trick.

"Jeff, get down from there." His mom reached up and removed eight-year-old Jeff from the top bunk and sat him to his feet.

"Aw…mom!"

"What did you do to your hair?" She reached down and turned his hands palm up. "And…your hands." She laughed. Jeff's hair and hands were splotched with colors.

"….Food coloring…" He smiled up at her innocently. "Hey bro, are you goin' to kiss your little gi-irl friend tonight? You'll get cooties!" He teased and made loud smacking kiss sounds on his own arm.

"Little brothers always act dumb." Said Matt.

"Jeff, if you want to make your hair colors ask me next time and I'll help you, okay?" Their mom reached over and ruffled Jeff's tye-dyed hair.

She and Matt walked back out to the living room where she stopped to adjust his collar again. She walked him out onto the porch. The family car was broken down again so Denise's dad was parked in their driveway waiting for Matt. Denise pressed her face to the window and waved but neither noticed. His mom had stooped down again to talk to him and she had a serious look on her face.

"Matt…" She started with a shaky voice. "If anything ever…if I go away…"

"Mom, I don't want you to go away!" He wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Matthew, I still have a lot of time with you and Jeff and Daddy…but…when I'm not here…" Her voice broke up. "Please, watch out for Jeff, sweetie. He'll get himself into trouble. Make sure he doesn't do anything too silly, okay?"

"Mom don't leave!" He cried into her hair and she held him for a moment.

"Matt, you don't want to cry. You're going to go to the dance and have fun okay? I want you to have an awesome time and come home and tell me all about it, promise?"

He nodded and snuffled and his mom wiped his eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

"Hey, mom!" Called Jeff from inside the house.

"Coming!" She called back and kissed Matt on top of his head. "Now go on, get out of here. I have to go see to your rainbow-headed brother."

Suddenly Matt was no longer on the front porch feeling all the pain he had felt when he realized for certain that his mom was going to "go away". He was at the dance, standing in the middle of the dance floor holding two Dixie cups of punch. Denise had asked him to get some and here he was with it but where was she?

"Hey." Said a kid. "Are you lookin' for Denise? She went out there." The kid pointed.

Matt went to find her. No one was in the hall but he suddenly heard giggling followed by a low "sshhhh" sound. He walked down the hallway and stopped. The door to the art classroom was ajar and he could hear little voices. He opened the door and peeked in. The lights were off but it wasn't completely dark. Enough light was coming in through the window he could see two small shadows. He flipped one of the light switches and the front lights turned on partially illuminating the classroom.

Denise and Aurthur were wrapped in each other's arms and she was in the middle of kissing his lips. Matt stepped back shocked. That stupid little plastic ring glinted on her finger.

"Matt…I'm Artie's girl now." She said and kissed Aurthur again.

Suddenly the room was filled with noises. There was a crash, panting, moaning, Matt flipped on the rest of the lights. His middle school girlfriend of three years was standing in the corner holding a box of things with his name scrawled across the front.

"Here are you're things, Matt. I don't want to see you anymore." She stepped forward with the box cradled in her arms. "I don't want to see you anymore, Matt, I don't want to see you."

Matt could feel his chest tightening and his emotions starting to clamour.

"Harder, baby, harder!"

"Matt, I'm pregnant."

Connie, his high school girlfriend of four years stepped out of the coat closet with an oversized letter jacket on. She had her hands on her belly.

"It's his, it's Mark's baby. I was screwing around on you with the football jock." She hissed at him. "I was screwing around behind your back!"

"Harder, baby, ooh!"

"I'm leaving Matt, I don't like you being gone all the time, traveling for your stupid wrestling! I don't like it, Matt, I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" Another old girlfriend of five years stepped out of the shadows and yelled at him. She pried an engagement ring off her finger and threw it at him. "I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving!" She screamed at him.

"No, don't leave, don't!" He was crying and sobbing and he tried to back out of the room but found the door closed. He grabbed the door knob and tried to turn it but it was locked.

"Harder, harder, Adam, oh, Adam!"

Matt sunk to the ground with his back to the door. He looked up and saw Amy and Adam on the teacher's desk having hot, passionate, sex.

"What, oooh, about Matt?" Adam groaned.

"Fuck Matt, he won't know, and if he finds out, I'll just leave! I'll just leave him!"

Matt buried his head in his hands and started to sob.

"No don't leave me don't, I love you! Don't…please stay!"

Pain tore at him, gripping him with indescribable force, his ears rang with all of their voices clattering and clashing.

"I'm leaving you!"

"Adam, oh, Adam ooh!"

"I'm done with you Matthew, I'm leaving! I don't want to see you!"

"Matt, she's gone. Son, she's gone!"

"No, no don't, I don't want you to go! Mom, I don't want you to go!"

"We're all leaving you Matt! We're all LEAVING!"

"No, no, you can't leave!" It tore out of his throat in a bereft, jagged, scream and filled the room and drowned out the other dissonant voices of past love and past sorrows. "You can't!" His voice cracked and his body trembled with the weight of his despiration and grief.

"Matt, wake up!" Jilly reached for the lamp and clicked it on. A small circle of yellow light glowed up from the shade.

"No, no!" Matt shouted hoarsely. He was sobbing and tears were flowing into his ears. He was tangling himself up in the covers.

"Wake up, you're dreaming!" She grabbed his shoulders and shook them until he opened his eyes.

Matt opened his eyes to see a blurry Jilly bending over him. He was back in his own room. He wasn't in that fifth grade art class but the feelings still lingered and dug at him like snatching claws and ravenous teeth. Maybe they were not just lingering over from the dream, but maybe they had never really left his heart at all, and that made him start to sob all over again. He grabbed onto Jilly and drew her to his chest.

"Don't leave, Jilly, d-don't leave, okay? Tell me…tell me."

She could barely understand him for his hoarse crying.

"I love you, Matt."

"D-don't leave…I don't want you to!"

"Sshhh…" she kissed his salty lips. "Calm down. Sshhh."

He's broken, she thought to herself. Look at him…he's so broken. She kissed him again, a little deeper.

"I said I love you."

"So, k-keep saying it." He stuttered between sobs.

"What if I show you?"

Why does she want to have sex now? Matt thought briefly. But it didn't matter. She was showing him that she loved him. She did love him, of course she loved him. She wasn't going to leave. Her lips crawled over his body as it shuttered with his sobbing. She took his hand and put his fingers inside her.

"Jilly…" He looked at her through his tears.

"Sshhh…" She shushed him. "It's okay. It's okay if you feel bad, cry if you have to, it's okay to be hurt."

A broken man can't hurt you, a man with deep scars on his heart is in the palm of your hand, she thought to herself. She looked down into his swimming eyes and made love to him until the tears stopped.