Chapter 7
Fuji's POV
Rain is pouring down. My clothes are drenched. My hair dripping wet. Still I keep on running. Lap after lap. I've lost the count.
The forest is quiet. No birds singing. Only the sound of water drops falling through the leaves and on the ground.
Can I ever be free?
I shake my head firmly. I really need to stop these trails of thoughts… They will break me again someday.
Before me, I suddenly see someone. Strange, what would somebody be doing outside in this kind of weather? Right, I do not have any right to speak. I'm also out here. But still…
I am about to pass him when he turns around. I stop dead still in my tracks.
Iie! That is impossible! Not him! Please don't let it be him! Heaven please… not him…
My entire body is shivering. My breathing is coming out in shallow, rasped parts. And it feels as if my heart is racing so hard that the entire world can hear it right now…
He walks away. Did he see me? Please, don't let him have seen me.
I close my eyes. I'm alone in the park. My head tilted backwards. Letting the rain wash my face.
Don't tell me that nightmare comes back…
It is a good thing it is raining. That way no one can see the difference between the raindrops and my tears.
& It won't rain all the time… Your tears won't fall forever…&
Three weeks ago. Three weeks since I've told my boyfriend the last detail of my nightmare.
It was time. I finally found the strength to tell it to someone once and for all. I finally found the permission to let it go. To bury my past. And yet now he is standing before me again. As if nothing had happened. Why does my suffering continue? Why do I have to be reminded of it all the time? Why…?
I fall on my knees. Sobbing softly. My arms wrapped around my shivering form. Rocking back and forth. Forcing the voices of the past away.
Mine! Forever!
"Iie!"
My shout echoes over the park. Nobody here to hear it.
You are my slave. And you know what, my toy… Even Angels fall…
Iie… Iie… Iie…
The word becomes a mantra in my head. Let it go away. Make it all stop. Please… I'm tired…
-
I don't know how long I've been outside in that weather. I don't know how long I've sat there. Alone. Crying in the rain. Being scared and hurt.
I haven't got a clue how I came home. My legs just carried me back there. I don't even remember getting up in the first place. The only thing I do remember is him…
I slowly raise my hand and trace the reminders of my darkest secret. Even now, after all these years, I can still feel it burn.
Letting myself fall on my bed, I cradle my pillow between my arms. Sobbing myself asleep.
AaAaAa
Someone shakes my shoulder and a soft grunt escapes my lips. Let me sleep. I don't want to wake up.
Turning my back to whoever it is, I curl myself up, holding the pillow still close to me.
Another shake. A bit harder this time. And a voice. Soft. Gentle. And worried… Yet I can't hear what it is saying. I don't even want to hear it. Why can't it leave me alone?
Without a warning the hand turns me around. I'm lying on my back.
"Aniki!"
Yuuta. Iie, I shouldn't make him worried. Not for me. I … must … wake … UP!
My eyes open and I look around, confused. What was that?
A warm, gentle hand touches my forehead. Yuuta…
"Why did you sleep in those clothes? You went running last evening. In the rain and you haven't even changed after it."
Through his scolded words and annoyed appearance, I can see he is worried. Slowly I raise my hand up, caressing my little brother's cheek. I'm surprised he doesn't pull back, or slaps my arm away, like he would usually do. Instead he just sits there. Silent. Watching me with a strange look in his eyes. Not even an angry "Aniki!". What's going on?
"So, are you finally going to tell me?"
Shocked to say the least, I look at him. The hurt is clearly visible on his features. Even in his voice I can hear it.
How long? When did he? How…?
I know every one of my questions is seen on my face. He sighs softly and closes his eyes. Turning his head away to avoid my gaze.
"I found out about it, I guess shortly after it happened."
I feel my insides clench. That long? He has suspected, known for so long? And I never said anything… My silence must have really hurt him.
"Yuuta…"
My voice is trembling. How I hate this weakness.
He shakes his head softly.
"Iie... Don't. There is no need. I can understand why you remained silent. Yet now, will you at least confirm my suspicion…?"
If I could, I would have smiled. I did want to apologise. He knows me too well, this little one. But I swear I will tell him how much I regret holding this away from him… Once, when he'll allow me, I'll say I'm sorry…
I nod when he looks back at me. I'll tell him… And I'll tell him now...
"Four years ago. Isn't it? You had changed so much. Your last year in primary school. You were silent. Too silent. And always carrying that fake smile. I did notice, you know… You've never talked a lot. Not to me at least. But back then, you completely shut everybody out. Isn't it natural that I became suspicious?"
My eyes are wide open. I feel like I failed something. As if I failed to protect my little brother. I didn't want him to worry about me. I wanted to hide everything for him. Yet it didn't work. He picked up every little detail there possibly was to pick up.
"Hai… On everything you just said…"
I'm pushing back the tears that are shimmering behind my blue orbs. I will not let them fall. I will not cry in front of him. Not because I don't love or trust him. But because I hate it if he sees me so weak. I hate looking vulnerable in his eyes. For he looks up to me. I've always wanted to be a good older brother. Hai… It feels like I failed him…
"What happened?"
I've never known his voice to be so soft and caring.
Again that question. I hate it still…
"Remember the sleepover with Ryota?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him nod. Right, here we go again…
-
Once more I halt at the point where they pulled my trousers down. I just can't… It's too much. It is breaking me every time a little bit more…
I'm not facing him. Those tears… He should not see them. I cannot hold them back. I won't let him see them!
"Aniki…"
Now he knows for sure. I've confirmed what he thought. Can he ever forgive me? For keeping it from him? For the pain I caused?
His sudden hug from behind catches me off guard.
"It's okay to cry…"
I should have known he'd notice it anyway. No matter how hard I try, it seems I can't really hide anything from him…
His arms around me. A much needed comfort. My back against his chest. His chin resting on my shoulder. Our heads touching slightly.
Sobbing softly, I let him hold me. It's only now that I realise I've been crying a lot this past month. Seems I'm not as strong as everybody thinks I am…
It isn't until Yuuta gently traces the outlines of the brand mark, that I realise he has loosened his embrace.
Immediately, I tense and pull away from him.
What? How? Why? Does he know about that too? Since when?
My eyes are wide open with fear. Not one word is able to pass my lips as I watch my brother.
An incredible sadness is seen on his face, as well as pain and far away, a trace of worry.
"They did that, didn't they?"
My entire body is shaking nearly violently. Too much… It's just too much… Will it keep on haunting me?
&TBC&
AN: Well, I finally found a name for Fuji's former friend... : ) Go me: )
Ah, gomen! I promised some of you that next chapter would probably be Tezuka's POV. Gomen ne! Chapter 8 will probably turn out to be a Fuji's POV again. Honest… Tezuka's POV is so hard to write. And this is a Fuji centric fic still… : )
