Thank you for reading and your reviews so far - Shakayla and I know these have been a tough few chapters. Hang with us, we promise it will be worth it! :)
In this chapter, it's time to begin therapy sessions with Dr. Weston. Clarisse and Joseph try to move past the nightmare of that weekend, but will talking about it only serve to take them back to the hell they experienced? Will they be able to face the challenge together or will Joseph decide to leave to make things easier for Clarisse?
Chapter Six: Welcome Back to Hell
Friday - 2 weeks after abduction – mid October
Therapy with Dr. Weston begins
Clarisse sat in the quiet, softly lit room, her hands playing with the fringe on the small pillow next to her. She knew the doctor possessed intimate knowledge about at least some the events that transpired while she and Joseph were held captive. Besides the physical examination, in a moment of weakness, she'd shared other details with him-details she now regretted. Details that would make it even more difficult to face the discussions that would come next.
In a way, she wanted to unburden her heart and tell him every small detail in the hopes the confession would make the nightmares and pain go away. Confession would only be the beginning, though. The real pain, the emotional pain, would flood every pore of her being as she faced her fears head on. That thought unnerved her more than she cared to admit.
Dr. Weston entered the room taking his seat across from Clarisse. His eyes surveyed the woman he had been providing care for since she married King Rupert, may he rest in peace. They'd been together through good times and bad, but this time...
Without a doubt, this was far worse than any other situation his queen and friend had endured. He silently prayed for courage and the right words to help her heal.
He smiled as her eyes lifted to meet his. "Tell me what you hope to gain from these sessions?" It was a routine beginning for a non-routine problem, but he wanted to know her emotional state so he'd have some idea how to proceed.
"What am I hoping for? I'm hoping to sleep at night without being haunted by those men. I'm hoping to be able to look Joseph in the eyes again and not feel shame. I'm hoping that one day the small things that once gave me comfort will not make me flinch or cause my stomach to churn."
He nodded. She understood what was at stake. He also believed she knew this would be one of the hardest things she'd ever done in her life. "I don't have to tell you this is not going to be an easy road. The good news is you don't have to travel it alone. I'm here to help, anytime and in any way I can. Also, I know you understand that even you and I, alone, won't be able to bring about full healing. You understand what I'm trying to say?"
She understood. A fresh wave of fear crashed through her already embattled heart. The thought of having to express her feelings in front of Joseph created an uneasiness she couldn't control. Her stomach clenched as the darkness threatened to pull her back to the depths of the hell they'd been rescued. Reliving the nightmare while sitting next to Joseph, exposing her innermost thoughts and secrets…A new level of hell.
Troubled blue eyes found his and prompted him to offer encouragement. "I'm not saying right away, but eventually Clarisse... when you're ready." He smiled gently for her benefit, "Shall we begin?"
He received a reluctant nod, but a nod nonetheless. "Why don't you start by telling me what was going on prior to the men showing up and ruining your weekend away?"
Closing her eyes, she allowed the memories to drift back to that day: The cool breeze from the ocean and the smell of leather mixed with aftershave; the warmth of Joseph's jacket draped around her shoulders as they walked along the shore holding hands; the closeness as they reminisced about the good times they'd shared with Philippe and Pierre when they were boys; and finally, the joy of selecting shells to add to the collection the boys had started during one of their many visits there as children.
Then there was the kiss and the promise of moving their relationship forward later that day. A battle waged within her heart. How much information about their private relationship should she share? Part of her knew if she ever wanted to have an intimate relationship with Joseph, one that was not choreographed by a mad man, she would have to overcome this huge obstacle in her—in their—path. The other part feared if she provided the details and, subsequently, Joseph no longer wanted her...
Shaking her head slightly not yet willing to think about that and the consequence it would have on both their personal and professional relationship, she forged ahead and recounted the pleasant part of the day. She finished her story. "Then the rain started, forcing us back to the cabin where the nightmare began."
"What do you remember after arriving to the house?"
Clarisse shuddered. "I remember the laughter and then the fear. My life has been endangered before, but always from a distance: A threat, a voice from a crowd, an overzealous citizen trying to elude security and get closer to me. Never before have I felt cold, hard steel pressed against my temple or sweaty, unwanted hands holding my body close to theirs, covering my mouth to ensure my silence. The sound of my dropping the shells I'd been holding alerted Joseph and he turned toward me. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when the gun against my head registered in his brain. The sound of another gun being cocked with the one threat they knew would keep him from fighting back. They told him to drop his weapon or they would kill me."
Her body shuddered again at the memory, even though that moment paled in comparison to all the horror that came next. She'd seen it in his eyes…the failure and the fear. "I remember feeling completely helpless and yet sorry at the same time. Then I felt nothing as the sickening sweet smell of chloroform covered my mouth and nose sending my world into blackness."
Dr. Weston paused for a few moments, letting her words sink in and giving her time to bring herself back to the present. "Let's talk about that. You mentioned you felt sorry along with feeling helpless. The last part I understand, but why did you feel sorry?"
"I'm not sure exactly. If I hadn't distracted Joseph, perhaps none of this would have happened."
"Is that the only reason?"
The air thickened with every breath she took, the moisture on her hands forcing her to wipe her palms on her skirt, her breathing becoming shallow and rapid. She wanted desperately to be rid of the nightmare and to just have her old life back again. But this… This was becoming too much. "I think we are finished for today." She stood and quickly made her way to the door.
"Clarisse?" She heard her name being called over the thunderous beating in her chest. "Whatever you say in here, whether it's about what happened that weekend or feelings you harbored prior to the weekend, you can share. Nothing you say to me leaves this room."
Turning, Clarisse studied the doctor's face for several moments, weighing her options. Finally, working through her doubts, she made her way back to the couch. Taking a deep cleansing breath, she closed her eyes as she uttered the words she'd never dare speak to another soul, not even the man who held her heart. "I felt sorry for opportunities lost. Joseph and I have been friends for a long time, more than just employer and employee, something so much more. I'm cautious by nature and very private, unaccustomed to expressing my feelings. I never told him how I felt…the depth of those feelings for him. And now…" Clarisse wiped the trickle of tears away with the proffered tissue.
"Do you still harbor those feelings?" He knew the answer, but wanted to see how she responded.
"What difference does that make? After everything that transpired between us and to us, we can never return to what we were."
"You are absolutely right. We can't change time and return life to the way things used to be, but if you still harbor those feelings, which I suspect somewhere deep inside you still do, it makes all the difference in the world."
^^C/J^^
3 weeks after abduction
Joseph paced back and forth outside the office door. He knew in order to return to work he would need a full psych evaluation. This time, however, it would be more than a couple sessions on the doctor's couch. Rubbing his calloused hands across his face, he took a breath before entering the office.
"Good evening, Joseph, I was beginning to think you might not show." Dr. Weston tried to lighten the mood while shaking Joseph's hand, offering him a seat on the couch.
"Well the thought did cross my mind, but I know this must be done in order to return to work." He offered an attempt at a smile, hoping Dr. Weston couldn't see past the façade he was trying to build.
"Since talking to me is a normal part of the process after an incident, why don't we begin with you telling me what you hope to gain from these sessions, besides my clearance?"
Joseph relaxed back on the couch where he stared at the doctor on the other side of the coffee table. He wasn't even five minutes into his first session and he already knew this would be a long hour.
The doctor continued. "We've been down this road several times before, albeit nothing as traumatic as this…"
"Traumatic?!" Joseph jumped to his feet, pacing the room to relieve the nervous energy that had been building all day. "Traumatic, Doc? It wasn't traumatic!" The flimsy excuse for barriers he'd built around his emotions crumbled like dust. "It was so far beyond traumatic there isn't even a name for what we endured."
Joseph moved to stand directly in front of the doctor, leaning forward to make sure he understood what was at stake. "The physical pain, I could handle. They wanted to toy with MY emotions? Fine! But they didn't focus on only me. When they turned to Clarisse..." His head hung in shame as he clenched his fists until the blood no longer flowed freely. His mind flashed through the events of that weekend turning his face red with anger and his knuckles white. "I knew no matter how much I struggled, or fought to get free, there was absolutely nothing I could do to save her from the horrors she was about to experience because of me…ME! That goes well beyond the boundaries of traumatic. How exactly am I supposed to get past that?"
Taking his seat back on the couch, Joseph continued, his voice barely audible. "There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for her. I would gladly give up my life if it meant that she was able to find peace again." He brushed a stray tear away with the back of his hand.
Doc Weston nodded in agreement. "She engenders a great deal of loyalty, especially from those closest to her. I apologize for attempting to categorize your experience. You're right. Some horrors are too grand to comprehend, much less fall under a general label. Will you accept my apology?" He needed Joseph to calm down so they could have a discussion.
Joseph shrugged his shoulders. "Sure. You didn't…don't know about the hell we went through. You only saw the physical results. Trust me when I tell you, those pale in comparison to the other scars Clarisse and I have."
The older man nodded. "Thank you, I appreciate your patience with me as I get up to speed on the events. From your…aggressive…reaction, it's apparent you blame yourself for what happened that weekend. I understand that to a certain extent. However, I think your guilt goes much deeper than self-blame. Do you believe she blames you for what happened?"
Joseph's face registered shock. "Of course, she blames me. All facts aside, it's my sole priority to protect her and I failed to do that in a life altering way. She has every right in this world to blame me, Doc."
"But has she said the words?"
Joseph shrugged again. "She doesn't need to. She can't even look me in the eyes. If that doesn't say I blame you for the living hell I endured… I'm not sure what does."
"Joseph, listen to me, until she gives you reason to believe otherwise let's not put our own assumptions onto another. Because you both endured this weekend together, I believe it will be important, as we progress, to include her in our sessions."
"Why? We didn't include her in the past discussions for other incidents." Joseph didn't want to confront his failure in such an open, examining way with the woman he failed so miserably sitting right next to him.
"I think we can agree this incident was, as you stated, well beyond the normal scope of anything that has happened in the past. As such and, given the nature of your personal relationship, I believe working together will help you both overcome your demons faster."
"The demons are not going to go away, Doc. Any chance we might have had for that type of relationship has now vanished thanks to those bastards. They took everything away from us."
"There is no doubt they put you both through extreme physical torture, evidenced by the extent of the physical damage to your bodies when I examined and treated you. Based on the nature of those wounds, I can surmise the emotional turmoil was extensive as well. Since you were there, I'm not revealing anything to you by confirming Clarisse was sexually assaulted multiple times. Is that what you mean by they took everything away from you?"
"You have no idea. After we became alert, I quickly realized we were chained in place. I was secured to a chair and Clarisse was chained to the floor at her ankle." He leveled a gaze on Dr. Weston, a gaze filled with anger and pain. "Do you understand? They had Clarisse Renaldi, Queen of Genovia chained to the floor like an animal."
Joseph closed his eyes, resting his head in his palms as the images flickered through his mind like a movie reel. He could hear the clanking of the chain as Clarisse tugged and could feel the metal cutting into his wrist as he struggled to free himself. He would never forget the smell of the room—pungent, a mixture of grease, ammonia and faint smell of sulfur lingering in the air, infusing every breath. "The things they asked of her and the things they made me do to her..." His body shook as he fought to contain the sobs threatening to consume him.
Dr. Weston waited until Joe had regained his composure. "I promise you, Joseph, we will get through all of this—one step—one nightmare at a time. I sense you need some time to process the emotions from that first day before we can talk about them further. Perhaps it's best if we pick this up in our next session?"
"You're the boss right now, Doc." Grateful to end the reliving of the nightmare, Joseph stood and took his leave.
^^C/J^^
Saturday - 4 weeks after abduction
Joseph pushed his oatmeal around in the bowl, looking at the clock for the umpteenth time this morning only to find that he still had ten minutes before he needed to head down for his appointment with Dr. Weston.
Deciding to leave early, he made his way to the unused portion of the palace where he had been meeting Dr. Weston for the past week. Slowly meandering his way down the dimly lit corridors, he rounded the corner and bumped into a soft but firm object. His arms instinctively closed around the person to keep them from losing their balance. Before his eyes had the chance to register who was now in his arms, his nose answered for him: Chanel. Clarisse.
Dropping his arms quickly to his side, he started to apologize until his eyes were finally able to focus on the woman standing before him. Clarisse's face was red, her eyes puffy and swollen, mascara smudged as it mixed with the tears that dared escaped her once brilliant blue eyes.
The need to pull her into his arms and comfort her was strong, almost strong enough to battle the demons clawing at his arms, holding him back. Almost…
A month ago he would have done exactly that, but today. Today was different. Rather than melting into his embrace, her body stiffened sending the clear signal. Don't. Touch. Me.
The demons kept their grip and he stood there, mutely staring at her, trying to find something—anything to say. Instead, she found her voice first. "Forgive me. I wasn't watching where I was going." She wiped the tears from her face and hastened the remaining way down the corridor.
Joseph stood, dead in his tracks watching as she made her retreat to safety. The invisible grip on his arms lessened and he rubbed his face. God, how has my life turned into this living hell? Sighing, he knew exactly when it all changed and Dr. Weston wasn't going to let him go until he'd told him everything. With a heavy heart, he continued the path that would lead him to the door where secrets were exposed and failures revealed.
He knocked, only entering once permission was granted by Dr. Weston. Before this session even started, he knew it would be pure hell as the sweet smell of Clarisse lingered not only in his nostrils from their brief contact but also in the small office. Her tears are the result of a session with Dr. Weston. The result of her time in hell with me.
Taking his seat on the couch, Joseph closed his eyes as his body registered the warmth still remaining within the cushion from where she occupied the same spot only moments before. The image of her troubled, tear-stained face flashed back into his head as he heard the doctor speaking but not really hearing what he was saying. "I'm sorry, Doc. I was somewhere else entirely. Can you repeat that?"
"It wasn't important, just the usual how are you. Since you said you were somewhere else just now would you like to talk about it?"
"Want to jump right in the deep end, don't you?"
"With you, yes. It seems to be the best approach." Doc Weston offered him a small smile.
"If you must know, I literally just ran into Clarisse."
"I see, and how did that go? Did you speak?"
"She was visibly upset. I reacted and embraced her in an effort to provide stability for both of us before realizing who it was. She apologized and before I could say anything, she hurried off...presumably to get away from me."
Looking back over his notes Dr. Weston asked. "A week ago in our last session, you mentioned you both were forced to do things to each other. We didn't discuss it then as you were very upset, but I think we should talk about that now."
"I'd rather not."
Seeing the set line of Joseph's jaw, Dr. Weston decided on another approach. "Joseph, it was very apparent when you came in today, you were upset by your encounter. Clarisse's reaction, her emotional state, has affected you deeply. We need to talk about how you feel about all of this so we can move forward."
"How do you think I feel, Doc? I have always been the one person she can turn to when she's upset and now that her emotions are perhaps at their most fragile, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't pull her into my arms, because my touch is repulsive to her. I feel helpless, more so now than I did then, at least then I was physically restrained. Now I have two free arms to hold her with and thanks to those three bastards she can't bear to be in my presence, much less welcome my touch. To her, I'm just as bad as them. This whole situation is hell."
"What makes you think she feels that way? More importantly, why do you believe you're as bad as those men?"
Standing to pace as he often did during their sessions, he tried to explain. "As you probably guessed or maybe she told you, we'd begun to progress from friendship to…something more. We hadn't made it very far, just touching while kissing with the promise of more to come. You can imagine how everything changed the moment they undressed her right in front of me. Me, and three other men. I'll never forget the way her eyes looked when they locked with mine."
To further his point, Joseph stopped pacing long enough to stare intently at the doctor's eyes. "I've spent enough time looking in those eyes to see fear. She was brave and those bastards didn't know how scared she was. But to me…"
Dr. Weston held his gaze for a moment before explaining. "To me that says her trust in you was deep, stronger than you may have even realized. Our queen is an incredibly private woman. By allowing you to see her fear says far more about the depth of your relationship than any physical affirmation might have."
Joseph considered his words and allowed himself, for a moment, to believe they were true. Then the memories continued, robbing him of the momentary comfort. He stood, breaking the eye contact. "It doesn't matter. What they forced us to do next violated any trust she might have had in me and put an end to the possibility of a long-term relationship between the two of us."
The doctor wondered if Joseph was about to confirm what Clarisse had told him a few days after her rescue, but prompted him to continue. "What did they force you to do?"
For the hundredth time, Joseph longed for a window to stare out of in these blasted four walls. Instead he picked a book on the shelf and studied it as though it were the most fascinating book in the world. Finally, he answered, his voice low and embarrassed. "Things I'd dreamed of doing for years to her—with her."
He felt Dr. Weston's presence standing beside him, a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Men fantasize about being with the women they love, there's nothing wrong with that. Tell me about your fantasy and then, perhaps, it will be easier to tell me how they took that away."
Joseph shook his head, "Saying it out loud, especially after everything that happened, makes me so ashamed."
"Joseph, I happen to be a passionate man who has loved my wife for years. I still fantasize about ways to show her the depth of my love for her in very physical ways. I would be surprised if you were any different when it came to fantasies about the woman you loved."
"Everything I say here is just between us?"
"Totally confidential."
Walking across the room, Joseph allowed himself to recall a favorite fantasy. With a quiet, shame-filled voice, he shared his story. "Like any man, I'd dreamed of making love to Clarisse, to feel her warm soft body under me as we became one. But, as you said earlier, Clarisse is a very private woman. Along with her privacy, she values control…perhaps above everything else."
Dr. Weston nodded. Control was an issue he and Clarisse were dealing with in their sessions. Or, more aptly, the loss of control she felt in this entire situation. It seemed Joseph knew his queen very well. "Go on…"
He exhaled slowly before continuing. "Because of her legendary control, I fantasized about showing her how wonderful it could be to yield control to someone else…to me. I wanted to…to…" Thoughts of Clarisse chained to the ceiling and then to the bed assaulted his more pleasant memory and blacked it out. The tears in her eyes as the men…as he…took advantage of her inability to defend herself. He was a sick bastard and didn't deserve her love.
The calm, non-judgmental voice of Dr. Weston found its way into his nightmare. "You wanted to tie her up? Is that it Joseph?"
He nodded, unable to verbally confirm the answer.
"Let me try to finish this out for you. Stop me if I get it wrong, okay?
Joseph nodded again.
"You imagined tying her to the bed, giving you the opportunity to touch her—kiss her—pleasure her in a way that provided her only the opportunity to accept it and enjoy it."
Joseph's hands were squeezed tightly in a fist in an effort to control himself. Another deep breath in and then out. "I wanted her to come undone all around me, losing that control in such a beautiful way. I'd seen her face a thousand times in my fantasy…so breathtaking as she gave herself over to pleasure."
"And instead of your fantasy playing out as you'd imagined it…"
His expression hardened. "Instead, I saw her eyes close and the horror spread across her face as they made me kneel before her and take liberties with her that I'd dreamed of doing. But, not like that and not with an audience." Joseph forced his tormented eyes back to the Doc's. "Do you understand what I'm telling you? They forced me to do all the things I'd ever wanted to do to her and there was a small, very sick part of me that got aroused from doing it." He tried not to think of the time, he couldn't get aroused and Clarisse had to help him. He might literally be sick.
"Come, sit down, Joseph. I think I understand a little better now the source of your torment." And the Queen's as well.
Reluctantly, Joseph moved to sit on the couch. His body was rigid, his brain tormented and his heart…well, it was shattered. "You really think there's anything you could say to me right now that would make me feel better? I'm a sick bastard and I don't deserve Clarisse's love, much less her body and affection."
The doctor smiled gently, "Not today, no. But I do hope you'll hear my words in earnest and let them slowly go to work on your guilt. But before I give you those words, let me ask you a question."
"Not sure what more you could ask…"
"Besides yourself, did any of the other men take advantage of Clarisse's body?"
Joseph held his hand over his mouth, the effort not to lose his breakfast becoming too great. In vivid detail, he could see Rich's body moving in and out of Clarisse, the lewd look of satisfaction on his fleshy face. Then there was Lester…the liberties he took with her body, were one thing. The games he played with her mind, those were worse. Lester not only physically raped Clarisse, but psychologically as well. "Yes, at least two of them…maybe all three. There were things that took place in another room, things she wouldn't tell me about."
Images of Clarisse's inner thighs marked with unrecognizable scarring and bruising filled the doctor's mind. He nodded in response to Joseph's comment. He wasn't sure even he could get Clarisse to talk about what happened in that room. "Do you think if knowing the violation had to occur, that she would choose you over the other men?"
"She wouldn't choose…no one would ever choose such a violation." Anger replaced the other emotions.
"Joseph. Listen to the question, because it reflects her reality. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was going to be violated. Given that situation, don't you think she preferred you be the one her body was taken by?"
Unable and unwilling to let go of his self-hatred for the moment, he answered. "You'd have to ask her that."
"I will, I assure you. For your healing, though, I need you to tell me what you think her choice would be. If the situations were reversed and someone was going to take liberties with your body, would you rather it be her?"
Joseph's eyes closed as he remembered her beautiful blue eyes looking up at him from her kneeling position on the floor when she was forced to return the violation by pleasuring him while others watched. She'd been given a choice that day. She could kneel before him or Lester had offered up his body as an alternative. Clarisse had a choice. She'd chosen him. Remembering how her hands felt on his flesh…her mouth… "Yes. It's always been her."
"Do you think she would choose you?"
"Yes, but…"
"But, you feel guilty that your body experienced pleasure."
Damn this man could see right through him. He definitely hadn't missed his calling in life. "Yes, dammit. I couldn't help but see the fantasy in my brain and tried to imagine her and I there, alone in a candle-lit bedroom, making love – losing control together. My mind couldn't just turn that off, even though I knew this situation was the exactly the opposite of what I wanted."
"Biology."
"What?"
"Our bodies are biological in nature and, often times, do things that are beyond our control. You must find a way for your heart to forgive your body for doing what it was programmed by nature to do."
Joseph shook his head, "Even if I eventually can find a way to forgive myself, how could she forgive me? No, the best thing for me to do is tender my resignation and move on. Give her a chance to heal properly, both physically and emotionally, without a constant reminder of what happened each day."
Thinking of Clarisse's reaction to his touch earlier, he added. "I can't protect her if my touch makes her recoil and avoid me. Imagine the public relations nightmare if I ever had to knock her to the ground and cover her body with mine to protect her from an attack. The screams from my touch would be worse than a bullet piercing her skin, I'm sure."
"You really think that is the answer? Running away from the problems? Running away from her? This happened to both of you together…do you believe you can solve them apart?"
"I don't know, but this is the best I can offer her at the moment. I couldn't protect her from them but I can at least subtract myself from the equation making her life a bit more bearable now." Leaving her was the last thing he wanted to do and was certain it would kill him…but his life for hers, that was always the deal.
"Joseph before you make a hasty decision, why don't we invite Clarisse to join us next week?"
The blood drained from Joseph's face as his mouth filled with cotton at the thought of the two of them talking about that weekend in each other's presence.
"We can ask her how she feels about you leaving and try to start the healing process together. I've heard enough from your individual sessions to know this can only be fixed by bringing the two of you together. Besides, her answers may surprise you."
Joseph shrugged as he reached for the small glass of water on the table taking a large drink. "I highly doubt she will agree, but if she does then I'll promise at least one joint session before I give my resignation. But only one."
"I'll extend the invitation and hopefully we can arrange a mutually convenient time for all of us to get together." Dr. Weston offered.
Joseph looked away, lost in a world of thought. "As you wish."
^^C/J^^
