Coping Mechanisms is now officially finished! Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck with this/me and have read/reviewed/alerted/faved. It's taken a while, but I'm really happy with this ending and it is exactly what I wanted it to be. So enjoy the last chapter :)
Ste Hay had discovered a lot of things in the last six years. He knew what it was like to be low, so low that it felt as if the sun had gone away and there would never be light again. He knew what it was like to be desperate, so desperate that an ache for pills and vodka came more and more every day. He also knew what it was like to be haunted, both by a person and by a lost love. Nearly three years ago even breathing had felt like a chore, something he had to make himself do. But at least now he found that some how it had all become easier and each day the knot in his chest became looser.
He was startled from his thoughts by Cheryl standing in the door way to her back garden, if you could call her grounds a back garden. She smiled at him and joined him outside on the bench he was sitting on.
'Morning love.' she said gently. Cheryl rubbed her hands to get rid of the early morning chill. 'You're up early.'
'Couldn't sleep.' said Ste. He looked out towards the misty hills that seemed to be all around them. There was something liberating about being surrounded by so much space.
'Me neither.' said Cheryl, she placed one of her hands over his. 'It's the anniversary of Dad's death today. I was thinking we should get some champagne and celebrate.'
The tone of her voice made Ste turn and look at her properly, he frowned at what he saw. 'You don't have to pretend with me.' he said. 'I know you loved him, even after everything he did.'
A single tear slipped down Cheryl's cheek and she angrily wiped it away. 'No babe, I loved who I thought he was. It turned out that man never existed.'
The two sat in silence for a moment. Neither willing to break it or say what was really on their minds.
'I sometimes see Walker you know. Every day since I found out it was me who...' Ste found himself unable to continue. The fact he was a murderer (even if it was in some ways an accidental one) never sat right with him. He still sometimes woke up in the night screaming and often thought Walker was standing at the end of his bed. He'd been caught many times raiding Cheryl's spirits cabinet in the middle of the night and it was something he wasn't proud of.
'It wasn't your fault love.'
The sound of fast foot steps caused them both to look up. A small three year old boy stood in the door way, his curly brown hair haloed around his head, cheeks flushed and blue eyes shinning. 'Mummy, Uncle Ste!' he said happily.
Cheryl squeezed Ste's hand and stood up. 'Good morning sweetie.' she said smiling, 'How about I make you some breakfast?'
The little boy nodded happily, reaching up to grab his Mum's hand with his own. Ste felt a lump in his throat as he watched the two go into the kitchen together hand in hand. Cheryl's son was like a representation of everything Brendan could have been if that monster hadn't got a hold of him.
The sun was slowly rising over the hills and it couldn't have been any more different to that day in the park three years ago. When the world as he had come to believe it had come crashing down:
'Brendan?'
Ste and Brendan were frozen in time; all they could do was stare at one another. Leah looked at the two of them, waiting for them to say something. Ste found his whole body shaking, as his knees buckled and he fell on to them.
'No, no, no.' he whispered. 'You're not real, you're a ghost.' He closed his eyes and then opened them. To his surprise Brendan was still there and for once even he looked unsure of himself.
'Steven.' he said softly.
Ste stuck his fingers into his ears, blocking the sound out. 'Can't hear you. If I can't hear you then this isn't happening.'
'You weren't meant to see me.'
Ste shoved his fingers even further into his ears and started to hum loudly. He wondered how this would look to a passer-by and was glad that the park was empty. He was having a break down, but it wasn't every day you saw your dead boyfriend in the park dressed as a tramp. He knew his mind was in a delicate state, but couldn't it have at least given Brendan better clothes? He started to laugh hysterically and once he started he couldn't stop.
'Daddy?' said Leah gently. 'Daddy Brendan is trying to talk to you.'
Ste lowered his hands and continued to stare at both his daughter and the dead man. Ste was still laughing, but the laughter was fast turning into harsh and painful sobs. He waited for the tears to come, but found that they wouldn't. He had cried too many times over the past three years, he had no more tears left.
'Steven.' said Brendan again; he bent down in front of Ste. He reached out a hand to touch his cheek.
'Don't touch me!' hissed Ste, throwing himself away from the hand. He couldn't face it if Brendan touched him, if Brendan touched him then he would foolishly start to think that maybe he wasn't dead. If the hand went through him then he would know it was just his mind yet again playing a cruel trick on him. Both were dangerous thoughts and led down roads that he didn't want to think about.
Ste found himself curling up in the middle of the path, his breath short. The world began to spin and blur. He closed his eyes trying to block everything out, trying to make it all disappear. As everything became black all he could hear was a voice saying 'Steven' over and over again.
A crash from behind him made Ste jump out of his thoughts. He turned around and noticed Cheryl's son at the door looking sheepish. There was now a smashed plate on the floor and pieces of toast.
'Sorry.' said Brendan, his big blue eyes filling with tears. He had obviously been trying to bring Ste his breakfast.
'Don't worry.' said Ste gently. Wondering why on earth Cheryl hadn't put his toast on a plastic plate 'I never liked that plate any way, why don't you go to Mummy while I clean this all up.'
Brendan continued to stare at him with big uncertain eyes.
Ste stepped over the plate fragments and picked up the small boy. He held him close as he stepped back into the kitchen and noticed that Cheryl was busy staring out the window, as black smoke appeared to be coming from the toaster.
'Cheryl!' he said.
The blonde woman jumped, completely started by his presence. 'Sorry.' she said sheepishly, hastily rubbing away the mascara lines on her cheeks. 'I was somewhere else.'
Ste placed Brendan into his high chair and planted a kiss on the small boy's head. 'Have you got a dustpan? Brendan smashed a plate.' he went over to the toaster and switched it off and cringed at the smell of burning.
'Smashed a plate?' asked Cheryl. 'I thought I'd given him a plastic one to carry outside. He really wanted to take you your breakfast.'
'Its okay.' said Ste rummaging through one of the cupboards. 'Accidents happen.' he pulled out a dustpan and headed back out into the garden. He couldn't bear to watch Cheryl fall apart, not during today of all days. He headed back outside and started to sweep up the fragments of plate and toast. His mind drifted back to the events of three years ago:
'Ste?' said a soft voice through the darkness. 'Ste?'
His eyes shot open and he found himself laying back on something comfortable. Ste looked up and noticed Amy staring down at him. 'Amy?' he rasped.
'Are you okay?' she asked.
'I think so.' he said, holding his head which was pounding. He looked around expecting to see Brendan. 'Where is he?'
Amy frowned at him. 'Where's who?'
'Brendan!' he said some what hysterically, forcing himself to stand up.
'Ste.' said Amy, sounding somewhat unsure. 'Brendan's dead. You passed out in my front garden earlier; Leah was terrified and rang the doorbell. Don't you remember?'
'I never got anywhere near your house. I was at the park, Brendan was there.'
'No Ste.' said Amy calmly. 'None of that happened.'
'Yes it did!' said Ste angrily, he forced his way past Amy and out through the front door with her shouting after him.
He ran barefoot down the street, trying to ignore the glass and grit digging into his skin. Ste didn't stop running until he got to the park; he felt a jolt of relief when he spotted a bedraggled looking man sitting on the bench.
'Brendan!' he cried, slowing down as he reached the bench. His smile soon turned to a frown as he looked closer at the man, he wasn't Brendan.
A warm hand slid up the gap between his t-shirt and trousers, causing Ste to jump back into the present. He swore loudly as he dropped the dustpan and cut his hand in the process on a shard of plate.
'Careful Steven.' said a silky voice. Brendan Brady gently turned Ste around and examined his bleeding hand. He slipped his mouth around the hand and sucked it gently.
'That's proper gross.' said Ste, although a secret part of him found it quite sexy if he was honest with himself. 'I wouldn't have cut myself if you hadn't snuck up on me.'
Brendan pulled away 'I was loud enough to wake the dead Steven. It's not my fault you need a hearing test.'
Ste rolled his eyes and bent down to pick up the dustpan. He nearly jumped again when a strong hand caught one of his bum cheeks and squeezed gently.
'Where did you disappear to this morning?' asked Brendan, his voice husky.
'Couldn't sleep.' said Ste in honesty.
'Why didn't you wake me?'
Ste shrugged. 'You were snoring away like a pig, so I thought you wouldn't miss me.'
'I always miss you when I wake up to find you're not next to Me.' said Brendan.
Ste playfully dodged the older man who was leaning in to kiss him. 'No, you just miss the sex.' he headed back into the kitchen, knowing Brendan was following him. 'All cleaned up out there Chez.' he said. 'I'm going to take a shower.'
'I'll join you.' said Brendan innocently.
'No you will not.' said Cheryl, placing a pile of toast on the table. 'I need you to help your nephew with his breakfast. The poor kid's already stuck with your name and now you want him to go without his cereal.'
'He's perfectly capable of feeding himself.' said Brendan. 'Any way, why can't you do it?'
'I have to go upstairs and make myself look beautiful and you know Brendan likes it when you feed him cereal.' she grabbed Ste's arm and pulled him towards the stairs.
Ste winked at Brendan as he left the kitchen. It had taken the two of them a long time to get back to any sort of normality together. He never took for granted that each and everyday they spent together was special, precious even. He slipped into the bathroom, pulling off his t-shirt and locking the door. He turned on the shower and steam soon began to fill the room.
Three years ago he'd done the same thing after returning home from Amy's. He'd returned to his flat shivering from shock, unsure if he was finally beginning his descent into madness. He'd forced himself not to look as the blood from his feet mingled with the bubbles from the shower. He'd pretty much gotten out and then gone to bed, his hair still soaking wet. He hadn't expected to wake up to Cheryl screaming her head off.
'You're supposed to be dead!' she screamed.
Ste shot outside his bedroom just in time to see Cheryl savagely attack a very much alive Brendan Brady with a fluffy duck.
'Do you have any idea what you've done to me?' she screamed hitting him again. 'To poor Ste? You've practically destroyed the poor lad. And now I find you sitting on his sofa bold as brass like you own the place.'
Ste looked between the brother and sister, feeling a cold trickle of shock run through him. If he was seeing ghosts, then at least Cheryl was too.
'You weren't meant to be here. I just wanted to check he was okay' muttered Brendan.
'Weren't meant to be here?' Her voice became a shriek. 'How long have you been sneaking into Ste's flat without him knowing you're here?'
Ste held onto the door frame for support. 'He's been doing it ever since he apparently died. Well him and Kevin have.' he said quietly.
A silence descended on the room as the two Brady siblings looked at him in shock. He felt oddly calm and his body felt as if it was floating. Brendan stepped forward towards him, but Ste took a step back shaking his head.
'I think you should both sit down.' Ste said in a far away voice. His veins were full of ice, 'I'll make us all some tea.' He walked stiffly to the kitchen and before he knew it three cups of tea were sat in front of him. The strangest thing was he couldn't remember making them. In auto pilot he walked back over to Brendan and Cheryl and placed the cups of tea in front of them.
'Are you okay, love?' asked Cheryl, her face was full of worry and concern.
Ste sat himself as far away as possible from Brendan. 'Where's your baby?'
'Nancy's looking after him.' answered Cheryl.
Ste nodded staring into the depths of his cup.
'Say something love.' said Cheryl her face scrunched up with worry, 'you're scaring me.'
'I should go.' said Brendan firmly standing up.
'No!' said Ste, shocking himself with how firm and desperate he sounded.
Brendan sat back down, his blue eyes fixed on Ste.
'You've got a lot of explaining to do. Now isn't the time to run out on us again.' said Cheryl, fixing her brother with a glare. 'How did you survive that night and why haven't you come back sooner?'
'It was easier for me to stay dead.' stated Brendan. 'Kevin picked me up that night and took me to a doctor, the kind of doctor you get to know when you've lived on the streets. By the time I recovered I was already dead and buried.'
'That still doesn't explain why you never revealed to anyone that you were alive before now.' said Cheryl angrily.
'Oh he has.' said Ste bitterly. 'He has been visiting Leah for the past three years.'
'That was a mistake.' Brendan looked down at the floor. 'I never meant for her to see me or for her to tell her Mum, it got out of hand. I didn't know Amy would try to get doctors involved, I couldn't resist seeing her. She was like the last piece of my old life that I couldn't let go of, it was like having a piece of you still with me Steven.' he tried to meet Ste's eyes, but the younger man refused to look at him.
'Cut the crap Brendan.' said Ste, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. 'We all know what this is about. You didn't love me enough to stay with me.'
'You know that isn't true.' Brendan looking over to Cheryl for help.
'Well I can't see there being any other explanation.' said Ste firmly. 'I'm sorry if us finding out you're alive has ruined what ever it is you do now.' his voice laced with dark sarcasm.
'I hit you Steven.' said Brendan brokenly. 'Before I 'died' I hit you, something that I'd promised myself I wouldn't do again. I'm poison Steven and if I'd come back to you how long would it have been until I'd done it again? Neither of us would have left that relationship willingly, we would have carried on regardless. If I hadn't died you would have followed me and I didn't want you to do that. I wanted you to live and be happy.' A single tear slipped down his cheek.
'Faking your own death was a bit of an extreme length to go to, to make sure it never happened again.' stated Ste angrily.
'It wasn't just that.' said Brendan. 'The reason you were all put in that situation with Walker was because of me, because of what I'd done in the past. Now that I'm dead to the world I know there are no more skeletons in the closet. No more threats or people who will come back wanting to make the people I love pay for the things I did in the past. I once said to Amy that I could never be sure if the things that I'd done in the past would catch up with me. I set you all free from my sins when I died. You have to understand Steven; I did it because I love you all too much to go through another Walker.'
Ste went to rub his eye and realised that he was crying. From the trail of tears on his cheeks it seemed like he'd been crying for quite a while. 'You did this to protect me from you and the people in your past?' he said bitterly. 'What about protecting me from myself Brendan? Didn't you realise that when you died a part of me died with you? I was so lost without you that I wanted to die!'
'Steven' said Brendan, he had stood up and was standing over him.
'Get out.' Ste whispered. 'Get out, get out, get out, get out!' he was now screaming hysterically. He continued screaming the two words, repeating them with more and more venom each time. With a strength he never thought himself possible off he pushed Brendan out to the front door and then out of his flat. He slammed the door behind him and stood against it shaking with rage, grief, sadness, betrayal, longing and the emotion he hated the most at that moment: hope. He slid down the door and onto the floor.
'Are you alright babe?' whispered Cheryl.
Ste had forgotten she was even there. He forced himself to nod. 'Let's go to Ireland.' he said faintly.
In the present Ste turned off the shower and stepped out, pulling a towel round his waist. In the days that followed the revelation that Brendan was alive Ste had began to change again. After the shock had worn off he'd become angry and resentful, he'd even started drinking again. But nothing burned the knowledge from his mind that Brendan Brady was alive, his heart was beating and he was somewhere out there in the world. For the first time in three years Ste didn't feel numb any more and it scared him.
He'd move into Cheryl's house in a daze. He hadn't seen Brendan since the day in the flat, part of him was happy and the other part disappointed. Brendan's continued absence from his life just reinforced his belief that the man didn't love him any more. He tried to ignore the fresh memories that were now rising through an alcohol fuelled haze into the realms of his conscious mind. He was starting to remembering things that he shouldn't: Brendan sitting on his bed after the funeral stroking his hair and whispering calmly to him after his funeral, Brendan taking him home from nightclubs, Brendan beating the man in the alley who had tried to touch him, Brendan being quite a few of the one night stands he'd had over the years, Brendan holding him while he wept and downed vodka. It was like Ste had suddenly been given a book called 'Where's Brendan' and he was beginning to spot him all over the pages of his memory. Brendan had been there all along, he'd just repressed it because the grief it caused him was too painful.
Ste slipped on his clothes and made his way back down to the kitchen. He tried to hide a smile when he noticed that Brendan jnr. had covered his uncle in cereal.
'Nice job there Bren.' he said playfully. He pulled some orange juice out of the fridge and poured himself a glass. 'Aren't the kids up yet?' He grabbed himself a cold piece of toast and started to eat it.
'No, they're still in bed.' answered Brendan, trying to spoon another mouth of cereal into the miniature version of himself.
Toddler Brendan shook his head and held his lips firmly closed. He grabbed the spoon off his uncle and flicked it all over Brendan's face. He let out a naughty giggle as his uncle wiped the soggy cereal away with his hand frowning.
'He's going to grow up and be just like you, you know?' said Ste smiling.
'What? Either a murderer or gay you mean?' asked Brendan dryly.
Ste shrugged and took another gulp of his orange juice. 'Murdering is the Brady right of passage, both me and Cheryl have done it.' he started laughing at Brendan's expression. 'What? Just being honest.' He bent down and kissed Brenda's milk stained cheek.
Toddler Brendan used his uncle's momentary distraction and threw his whole bowl of cereal onto Brendan's head.
Ste couldn't help but laugh. Brendan's well groomed hair was now covered in soggy cornflakes and milk. 'You both better go upstairs and change.'
Brendan grabbed his nephew and headed towards the stairs grumbling. Ste was once again left alone. If three years ago someone had told Ste he would have Brendan and his kids, he would have laughed in their face. When he'd first move into Cheryl's house the days seemed long and lonely, the nights worse. He'd tried to ignore Cheryl's hushed phone calls and the fact that he sometimes heard Brendan's voice in the house.
One night he'd woken up screaming from a nightmare and discovered himself in Brendan's arms:
Ste pushed himself away from the man, trying to ignore his own shaking body. 'Get off me.' He hissed looking around for his phone and dressing gown.
'Steven.' Said Brendan, his eyes silver in the moonlight.
'I don't want to hear it.' Ste hissed, pulling on the dressing gown.
'Where are you going?'
Ste paused for a second. 'To get some vodka. I should have known you'd be able to worm your way back in with Cheryl.'
He let out a yelp as Brendan gently grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into bed. He angrily fought against him as the older man put his arms around him.
'You don't need vodka.' Said Brendan gently.
Ste froze for a second too long and found himself enveloped against Brendan's hard, warm chest. 'You left me.' He whispered.
'I know.' Said Brendan, the sound rumbling over his body.
'You left me.' He repeated again, the back of his throat caught. 'You left me.' This time is came out as a sob. He angry began to beat his fists again Brendan's chest, trying to break away from his hold. Once the tears started he found that they wouldn't stop, he was crying with three years worth of pain and grief. The world was shaking and everything was a tearful blur, but the first time Ste found himself anchored steadily to the world with Brendan's embrace. 'You left me.' He said in one last painful whisper, before sleep once again consumed him.
'I won't again.' Came a voice from within his dreams.
The next night he'd found Brendan in his bed again; he'd wanted to argue and shout at him, but he'd found himself just too tired. Ste had gone back to sleep and in the morning found that Brendan was gone again. From then on Brendan slept with him every night, but was always gone by morning. It wasn't long after that, that they'd started to have sex again. Angry sex that left them both breathless and caused Ste to sink his nails into Brendan's flesh to check he was still there. That of course had eventually changed to something that was a lot calmer and erotic. Ste often found himself sleeping on Brendan's chest afterwards, just to make sure there was still a heart beat. It had all changed one morning when Ste had awoken to find Brendan still there, watching the younger man sleep.
'Steven.' he'd whispered, his voice and eyes filled with emotion. 'I'm sorry.'
Ste looked up at him with wide sleepy eyes and immediately knew what the apology was for. 'I'm still angry at you Brendan, you hurt me. But even though I'm not going to forget in a hurry, I'm going to try and forgive you.'
Brendan nodded. 'That's all I can ask.'
After that moment the two had started to rebuild their lives together, slowly but surely their relationship had got stronger and better. Although there had been a few bumps in the road: Ste had hit the roof when he'd found out Brendan had spent a few months in America with Mitzeee during his supposed 'afterlife', Declan had punched his Dad and refused to talk to him for three months when he'd found out he was alive and Eileen had threatened a number of times to expose them all to the police. There had been positives as well: Baby Brendan's first words and steps, Amy finding out she was pregnant with twins and asking Ste to look after the kids for an indefinite amount of time (he'd accidentally forgotten to tell her Brendan had mysteriously risen from the dead), Kevin and Eileen's wedding and Brendan getting to finally getting to know his two sons. The Ste of now was completely different to the Ste of six, three or even two years ago.
'Are you okay Dad?' asked Leah, sliding into the chair next to him at the table.
Ste smiled at his daughter. 'Yeah, I think I am.' He answered honestly for the first time in years.
To the outside world Brendan Brady was still officially dead, but to Ste he was more alive than ever. He didn't need Coping Mechanisms to live or survive any more, he had his family, friends and Brendan.
