"Hikigaya-kun, I'm here!" A voice called out joyously. A female voice.
"Wait, who are you?" I replied cautiously towards the source of the voice.
"Take - A - Guess!" The voice purred ominously. "I'm here to give you your daily dosage of Vitamin ME!"
I felt myself falling through my bed into the abyss as I screamed to the heavens. Mid-plunge I realised I was in a dream, and manually slowed my descent and landed smoothly on my feet as the scenery changed from the very picture of hell to the very definition of heaven, which was the MAX coffee factory.
This is my dream, and I am in control. I grabbed a freshly prepared can from the production line and popped the seal, savoring the aroma of MAX coffee before taking a hearty draught, the bitter taste flowing smoothly -?!
MAX coffee isn't bitter!
I regurgitated the foul liquid, the bitterness intensifying as it exited my body. Wiping my mouth, I stared at the can, which had transformed into my phone before I realised it, and was now on Tinder. I tried to close it, but it instead sent a superlike to the girl on screen. I hit the home button, and again it sent another superlike out. I tried the power button, another superlike sent. In desperation, I threw the phone away, but it was stuck to my skin, like a mark of shame. Then, it started sending superlikes by itself. I recognised several recipients of the superlike - Kaori Orimoto, Yumiko Miura, Hina Ebina, Hayato Hayama, Tobe…
I watched in horror as the entirety of Chiba received a superlike from Hikigaya Hachiman. I could take no more - I turned and screamed to the heavens.
"THIS IS MY DREAM! YOU CAN'T HURT ME IN HERE!"
"But this is my specialty, my sweet potato." The voice called out again. I spun around to see a massive figure leaning against the wall. A butterfly, I realised as it swooped down on me and swallowed me whole.
I opened my eyes to find myself lying safely in bed. I turned my head and saw that it was only 10:34am, but I doubt I'd be able to get any more sleep even if I tried.
"Onii-chan, you look like you had a nightmare." Komachi observed as I entered the living room.
"Yes, I did. But then I woke up and realised it was nothing compared to the real world." I replied as I made a cup of extra sweet coffee. In fact, it would be more accurate to say it was a cup of condensed milk with some coffee in it. With that, I returned to my room, where I drained the cup in one go before I finally picked up my phone. I took one look at the notification screen and sighed before getting up to prepare a whole pot of coffee for the day ahead.
First order of business was of course the most important, far more than anything else. Totsuka received a match. I really wanted to order him to delete the app immediately and never look back. Instead I redirected him to Yuigahama, who now had two points of contact to manage. Next up was Zaimokuza, who reported that Mitsuki has replied in an odd manner requiring my immediate attention.
'How certain are you?' Mitsuki had replied to the last message. I smiled, amused by her predictable response.
How certain are you. Full stop, not a question mark, not an exclamation. She can barely contain her excitement. She wants confirmation. To her, this was a like a spymaster coordinating with his subordinates in public. Speaking two separate conversations, yet perfectly understanding each other. Now… the question is… who's the GRANDMASTER here?
I sent Zaimokuza a text detailing his next move: 'The question is no longer HOW…. But WHEN. Are you adequately prepared?!'
Satisfied, I looked over and saw that Haruno-san and Saki had replied. I took another massive swig of coffee before diving right into hell itself.
Haruno-san's reply nearly knocked me out. 'I'm afraid there's no U in me, although there's definitely a U in us.' She and Yuigahama are natural match for each other, I thought as I copied her words verbatim and sent it over to Yuigahama.
Next up was the mysterious Saki, who still had no picture, bio or any real defining characteristics to speak of. Her reply to Yukinoshita's essay? 'You're joking, right?' I too forwarded it verbatim to Yukinoshita's.
Surprisingly, Yukinoshita replied first. 'I do not recall us having any communications prior to this, Hikigaya-kun. Have you finally gone insane? Do I have to fear for myself, seeing that I am the first victim of your delusions?' She sent.
'That was the reply from your match.' I sent back.
'I see. I shall require a moment to prepare a response.' Yukinoshita replied. Then she sent another text confirming if I really did receive a match, and demanded to see proof. Then she sent me yet another text saying I need not bother, and that ignorance is bliss, along with her reply to Saki, 'I would like to assure you that this is no joke, and that I meant every word. I would like to know if you feel the same, so we can skip the formalities and move our relationship onto the next step'.
I copied the message and sent it over to Saki, confident she would definitely unmatch me now. Normally, I'd protest, but I've been through a lot in the past couple of days. Thank goodness it wasn't being sent to someone I knew - Yukinoshita's lines are much worse than Yuigahama's pick up lines. Speaking of which, here she comes now.
Yuigahama's reply came in two parts. The first was an 'are you serious?' directed at me, the second was yet another lovely line to deliver, 'U in us? That can't be, because U complete me.'
Just how many pick up lines does Yuigahama have, and how many does she intend to employ over the course of a single conversation?! And how am I ever going to answer to Haruno-san?!
My head still spinning, I just swiped right on the next 50 profiles. It was a relief when I hit the daily quota, because I pretty much just wanted to throw my phone somewhere far away and never look at it again.
It was nearly dinnertime when I received an urgent phone call from Zaimokuza.
"Hachiman, she just… gave me her number." Zaimokuza stammered over the phone.
"Alright, let me know if you get another match." I replied, disconnecting from the call as I went to get dinner.
Score one for Deduction & Reasoning.
As I had my dinner with Komachi, I realised she was staring at me.
"What?" I asked, feeling rather self conscious.
"You seem to be glowing… it's creepy…" Komachi replied as she nervously edged further away.
"Glowing...?" I immediately became aware of the massive smirk I had been wearing since Zaimokuza's call 5 minutes ago. I had been smiling so much, my jaw was starting to ache.
"Sorry, better now?" I asked, certain that I'd wiped the creepy look off my face. Komachi simply shook her head as she finished her curry as quickly as possible, avoiding any further eye contact. No matter, I'll relish in my victory while I can.
After dinner, I quickly returned to my room to once again plunge into the hostile fields of Tinder, more determined than ever to win. With one victory secured, I was feeling confident that I could take on the world. The feeling quickly vanished when I realised I had two new matches - Isshiki Iroha & Kaori Orimoto. Not only that, Haruno-san and Saki were awaiting a reply. This is not good.
What is Isshiki playing at? She knows we're in the middle of a challenge. And Orimoto… Orimoto swiped right on me. But why? Still, this is match 5 and 6, so its between me and Yukinoshita now.
I decided to leave the sorting of the new matches for later. There were more urgent matters to attend to. Haruno-san, for example. 'You're surprisingly aggressive… I like it'. As I read it, several thoughts ran through my mind.
I'm tied with Yuigahama now.
The Yukinoshitas love pick up lines.
This is bad, what the hell is going on here?!
I fear I may never return to the status quo, not after this challenge. Still, I dutifully forwarded Haruno-san's reply to Yuigahama. The time to panic isn't now. Now, I had a job to do. I need to be calm and reasonable for this. Still, as I stared at Yuigahama's number on my phone...
I don't even want to know what is going through Yuigahama's mind when she reads that.
The truth is I didn't really need to try and guess, because she replied instantly. 'I think you may have matched with a sadist, Hikki. These pick up lines were supposed to be painfully bad…'
'Then why did you use them?!' I replied, slightly annoyed since I was the one who actually had to put them into circulation.
'They are all that I know T.T' she sent back. 'I was certain they wouldn't work, but…'
To be fair, I really don't think this was Yuigahama's fault - she just happened to have matched with Haruno-san.
Next up was Saki, who against all odds has not unmatched me yet. Her reply was a short 'You're serious!?' I promptly requested for a follow up from Yukinoshita. Poor Saki, I'm sorry in advance, whoever you may be. I'm sure you're a lovely girl who doesn't deserve the social skills of the Ice Queen.
Now for the critical moment. The decision. It was obvious, really. The point is to win, and whoever's response I can best control is the obvious choice here.
'Also, Yukinoshita, I have another match. Shall I send the same message as before?'
And so, my day came to an end with 4 different messages to 4 different individuals with whom I've matched with.
To Haruno-san, courtesy of Yuigahama: 'Just my aggressiveness?'
To Saki, courtesy of Yukinoshita: 'As serious as my interest in you.'
To Orimoto, again courtesy of Yukinoshita: 'Hello, I am Hikigaya Hachiman, currently a student in Sobu High. I propose we abandon all pretense that we aren't interested in each other as we very obviously are for us to both have mutually swiped right on each other. In fact, I shall take on the burden of responsibility and be the first to lay myself out bare for you to inspect at your personal leisure. Please, should you have any doubts, let me be the first to dispel them. I am willing to provide any and all assistance on the matter until you are thoroughly satisfied. I await your response, Kaori.'
Lastly, to Isshiki: 'I like you. Please go out with me.'
