Chapter 7
They were sitting in Kamii, the hot sun beating down on the trio. Touka was sipping water while reading over her notes. Similarly, Kaneki was focusing intently on his novel while Hide stared off into space. Hide was seated beside the younger woman across from the Kaneki. There was a silence which was interrupted by the blonde boy's impatient sighs. The other two were pointedly ignoring him trying to focus, but Hide was being extra persistent.
'What the hell is it, trash?' Touka asked exasperated, turning to the man beside her. Hide grinned widely at her, making her blink at him in annoyed confusion. 'Don't call your boyfriend that,' he told her, his tone teasing. She blinked again raising her fist, and punching him hard on his shoulder. Immediately the blonde yowled out in pain causing the eyes of other students to turn to their table. Hide continued loudly, dramatically groaning, bringing even more attention to their table. The fair haired boy was hiding behind a book and pretending he didn't recognize the two across from him, his red cheeks visible from the distance. 'Shut the hell up Hide!' Touka hissed, shaking the grinning boy from the lapels of his yellow jacket, not really helping them to appear obscure to the public eye. Throughout this ordeal the wide grin did not leave Hide's face. 'You two are boring me,' he whined, when Touka had finally managed to shut him up.
'Hide, we're trying to study.' Kaneki spoke up for what seemed like the first time in the entire day, and if anything it made Hide smile even wider, making Touka squint at the blonde.
'Oi, sunshine, stop blinding us. Go to shitty Nishki and blind him instead.'
'Whaaaaaaaaaaa- Touka-chan you're hurting my heart.'
'And you're hurting my eyes.'
Kaneki was staring at the bickering two fondly, the light air helping him unwind a little. Even if Hide had been clingy and even though the air between the two had been slightly icy-due to Kaneki's outburst- he was happy to be here with the two. Kamii was approaching exam season soon and he already started preparing for it, even making extra notes for both Hide and Touka. He was once again in a state of blissful relief; it was so good being able to get into the normal flow of life. Or the closest to normal he could get.
Even if he was slightly romantically frustrated, he was sure most of the students studying here probably were anyway. That factor only added to his normality.
By now Hide and Touka were heatedly discussing the mating cycle of skunks and Kaneki had no idea how they had managed to take such a huge leap in the conversation. He decided he didn't want to know and returned his gaze to his novel, trying to get engrossed in the life of a poor sheep herder thrown into war and madness. Huh. Odd parallels.
'They don't hibernate for God's sake!'
'Oh yeah then how come I haven't seen any?!' There was a sunny grin behind those words, solely uttered to wind up the violet haired girl.
'They probably don't like approaching humans.'
He rolled his eyes, unable to ignore the loud natter and placing in a small bookmark he closed his novel as loudly as he could. It seemed to do the trick as they both turned to him, a scowl on Touka's lips. She looked absolutely wound up by Hide's foolish topic. 'Shouldn't you be glad you haven't seen any skunks Hide?' he asked, resting his hand on his book. Hide grinned at him wryly and then back at Touka. 'See, he so was low-key paying attention to us.' Touka rolled her eyes at that comment, abruptly lifting her notes and trying her best to zone the two males out. Hide guffawed at her reaction and she shoved at his shoulder distractedly. 'But are rabbit mating cycles similar to ghouls?' he asked casually, making both Kaneki and Touka stiffen uncomfortably. 'Keep your voice down idiot,' Touka hissed, dropping her notes and pushing at him. They really were getting really physical with each other Kaneki noticed, with an odd disinterest. Or so he was trying to convince himself. More importantly than that, what had Hide just asked.
Ghoul mating cycle, of all things.
'Hide, Ghouls aren't animals. They're just…' he took a deep breath to steady himself, 'What I'm trying to say is- Rabbits…' Kaneki trailed off, his face heating at the thought of comparing the mating cycles of rabbits with ghouls. Hide grinned at him wickedly and Touka shot him a pitiful glance. It was like she was trying to tell him that he had just dug his own grave and he realized he had played into Hide's hands. 'We're all ears Neki.' Kaneki could feel his face heating up uncomfortably with the amount of attention he was getting with the two mixed with the awkwardness of the topic. 'I-I-' he started.
'Mon ami!' The three of them turned to the sound of the heavily accented voice in surprise and Touka let out a surprised squawk. A tall man dressed in rich coloured clothes, which probably cost more than his apartment, was making his way towards them. What was he doing there? Were they in danger? An edge of wariness was creeping into his demeanour as he juggled the various scenarios that ran through his head. However he didn't get too long to delve too deep into these as within the next few seconds the man was upon the three, dragging more attention to them.
Some of the students pointedly turning to stare at the odd group- you couldn't blame university students for being easily distracted. Especially when the distraction was something as flashy and outstanding as Shuu Tsukiyama.
'Tsukiyama-san,' Kaneki said politely, tilting his head up and nodding politely at the older man. His greeting was followed by Touka's cold: 'Bastard.' The purple haired man didn't seem too fazed by what she had to say to him, his eyes trained on Kaneki.
'It is good to see you Kaneki-kun.' A small smile graced Kaneki's delicate features. 'Likewise.'
Maybe he'd over thought the whole scene, maybe Tsukiyama had simply been visiting town and everything was okay. Nothing was going to go wrong in the slightest. He almost laughed at the thought.
At his response Tsukiyama slid down in the empty space beside Kaneki and Touka let out a cry of indignation. 'Who said you could sit here?!' She was making it blatantly obvious what she thought of him. On top of that she also looked ready to punch him in the throat. 'Hey, Touka let the guy chill,' Hide tried, speaking up for the first time, soothingly, shooting an apologetic grin towards Tsukiyama. At that the older man squinted at the blonde, then at Touka and then back to blonde. He seemed to be trying to integrate a relationship between the two and failing. He had entwined his long fingers and was resting his head on them, eyeing Hide. Hide in return was flashing the older man a relaxed smile. Kaneki chewed his lip, his eyes darting between the two.
'Cold as ever Touka-chan.'
'I swear to God, you purple haired bastard, you-' she started, her face thunderous. 'Ah, what brought you back to the twentieth ward Tsukiyama-san?' Kaneki asked hurriedly intervening. Tsukiyama flashed a contained smile at Touka, who in return flipped him off, and turning to Kaneki sighed dramatically. 'Ahhh, I would love to say it was you mon cher, but I'm afraid it was more of a business matter.'
That didn't sound dangerous or worrisome. He had overreacted, well over thought. The anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach lifted as he sighed to himself quietly in relief. About to open his mouth to speak again, he was stopped when Tsukiyama's phone started ringing and Tsukiyama smiled at him apologetically, receiving the call and turning away from the trio.
He started speaking loudly, in another language that Kaneki guessed was German. Touka was scowling at him, while Hide looked at Kaneki with his eyebrows raised as if to ask: 'Who is that?' 'How do you know him?' In return he just smiled at Hide, shaking his head lightly and hopefully conveying that right now wasn't a good time to discuss that. Hide rolled his eyes, letting out an overly dramatic exasperated sigh and Kaneki grinned.
Tsukiyama continued on the phone for a few more seconds, before sighing and standing up. It seemed that he had to leave. 'Ah, Kaneki-kun, I have to go for now. However, I would hope to see you soon. Do tell me when your shift at Anteiku is?' Kaneki stayed quiet for a few seconds, debating whether he trusted Tsukiyama enough with the information. The man had helped in trying to recover him from the Aogiri. He had also helped Kaneki with other odd jobs. He came to the conclusion that Tsukiyama was no longer a huge threat to him, and plus, the man was interesting and well versed. He was kind.
'Ah, tomorrow morning till afternoon,' the half ghoul responded. 'Till tomorrow then,' Tsukiyama smiled at him sincerely, and once again Kaneki was surprised by how model-like the gourmet was. He nodded, as the man left with a polite farewell, targeted towards Hide and himself, as well as a separate 'Touka-chan.' This caused Touka to immediately flare up as soon as the spot of purple had disappeared from sight and she stood up raging. She looked ready to shake Kaneki.
'Are you an idiot?! What if he tries to eat you again?!' she seethed, leaning over the table to glare at him directly. Kaneki swallowed, cursing at the unfairness that a younger girl could terrify him to this extent.
'Wait. Again?' Hide squeaked, looking at Kaneki, his eyes wide as saucers. Kaneki struggled to school his face into seriousness, probably resulting in an odd grimace. 'He's been very helpful,' he tried, tilting his head. Touka glared at him for his forgive-full nature and he felt an odd anger settle over him absurdly quickly.
He wasn't a child. He knew he had been fooled once but he wouldn't be again of course. He knew the good that Tsukiyama had done him. From helping rescue him, to helping him train and even bringing him books. The man had been a huge help, a good support.
'So Purple man tried to eat you, but its okay now?' the blonde was scratching his cheek, a sign of nervousness. Kaneki nodded, seriously, avoiding eye-contact with Touka.
'He's helped a lot.'
'With?'
Hide was being persistent again, surprisingly, yet unsurprisingly.
'He helped me get stronger,' the white haired man muttered weakly, unable to bring himself to tell Hide about the rescue mission or anything remotely similar that would indicate to what had transpired during his disappearance.
'Oh.'
'Yeah.'
There was a pause and Hide started to hum loudly, almost as if to forcefully fill the silence. Touka had grabbed her notes and her eyes were running over them furiously, an unhappy scowl on her lips. He sighed to himself and flipped open the novel, returning to the demise of an average life.
Relieved to be captured in the tragic story of another, and not his own.
'Kaneki-kun!'
'Ah, Tsukiyama-san.'
He grimaced, pressing his hands to the earphones against his head and considered turning up the music. He was getting more annoyed by this guy than he should have been. He had been horrified, an understatement, when Touka had mentioned that the purple haired rich ghoul had tried to eat Kaneki. It had sent him reeling. However what had bothered him more was that look in Kaneki's eyes. Defiance. When Touka had been saying exactly what she had thought of the guy it had flitted across Kaneki's eyes. It had scared him. It had shown that, yes, Kaneki had forgiven Tsukiyama for what he had tried, and more or less had a good opinion of him.
But he had tried to eat Kaneki.
However, looking at the almost relaxed and casually friendly manner that the older man had been displaying around his friend it was safe to say that Tsukiyama didn't mean any ill harm anymore. Hide would probably go far enough to judge that Tsukiyama even cared for Kaneki. A lot. The light shoulder touches that his friend was obviously not noticing. Their hands brushing.
Kaneki was clueless, utterly unaware of them. Or if he was aware he was letting on at all.
'Is your shift over, mon ami?'
'It is.' Kaneki was smiling at the flashy purple head. Hide scowled.
'So then let's leave Kaneki-kun.'
No. God Kaneki. Not another purple head.
'Okay, I'm leaving Irmi-san, Koma-san, good day,' Kaneki called, bowing his head politely, turning to leave.
He wanted to interject, he really did. However, the frosty air between the two best friends hadn't been completely dispelled and the blonde didn't want to push it too far. He knew Kaneki needed space, and he had been pushing the boundaries for a while. From now on he supposed he would distance himself a little. It would probably be a better thing for both of them. Kaneki could go to the bookstore with Flashy McFlash and Hide could pretend to get some studying done.
Fool proof plan.
He sighed loudly, repeatedly hitting his head against the table.
'What the fuck are you doing Nagachika?' Great. He looked up smiling widely.
'Ah Nishiki senpai, I was just trying to get some of these notes to stick to memory.' It wasn't too far-fetched; he had tried some more extreme methods in the past. 'You're scaring the customers with your weird as fuck methods.' Ah, Nishiki was really eloquent.
'Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry,' he groaned, waving his hand dismissively, looking back down at his messy notes strewn across the small table. Staring at them, he could feel his eyebrows knitting together. Alongside his own illegible scrawl lay Kaneki's cleanly written notes and he felt his heart sink for unknown reasons. 'Ugh, stop making such depressing faces!'
Hide looked up in surprise just as Nishki slid into the chair opposite him. He had been sure that the strawberry blonde had left him. 'Nishki senpai?' 'Shut your mouth Nagachika and act normal!'
Hide could feel his eye twitching as he smiled at Nishki awkwardly. It was a wonder he wasn't sweating under that glare. 'Better, keep your fucking normal face.'
He was gone before Hide could question him further about what he meant. Huffing in amusement, he switched on his music and returned to the endless staring into space. He was definitely not going to get anything done at this rate.
'Hey Kaneki, wanna go to the bookstore today?'
'Uhm, I promised Tsukiyama-san I would go with him.'
'Oh, okay, cool. Have you seen this amazing…' he continued chatting animatedly, not letting the disappointment show too blatantly. This was the fourth time Kaneki had rejected him in the past week and it was starting to worry him. They were acting normally enough. They were talking normally enough. However there was now always an awkward distance between the two. Something in the air that indicated a ridge and it seemed harder and harder to ignore as the days went by.
Hide wanted to fix it. Hide knew it was his fault. He had pushed Kaneki too far, he had gone overboard with his plan completely disregarding Kaneki's feelings. Probably Kaneki's comfort too, and now his best friend was avoiding him.
Scarier yet he had a niggling thought at the back of his mind that Kaneki had never felt that way for him. It was scaring him because doubts of his own feelings were starting to crawl into his mind. He had thought and thought about Kaneki and his feelings until they remained the only things left there. Kaneki was his all.
Kaneki had become the constant settler in his mind.
So did that indicate that he had feelings for him? He really didn't know. He didn't care. He realized he'd just about do anything to get rid of the gap in between them and have his friend back.
However he knew.
He knew and he hated it. He needed to give Kaneki time and space.
Twenty days.
Almost a month. Who stays in town for a business trip for a month?!
Apparently Mister Flashy.
Hide had never been a possessive or jealous person. He has always been a person that goes with the flow and allows people to have their space. He doesn't like pushing people. So when he felt that small irked, annoyed feeling, it had been a surprise. He had genuinely been jealous.
Of Mister Flashy face.
Mister Flashy who had been spending most of his time stuck to Kaneki Ken. Going to coffee shops, book stores, libraries, public parks, movies, all the places he went with Kaneki. It was as if Tsukiyama was the new and better him.
It was a bitter realization to see himself being replaced so easily. Once again. He sighed, turning to his side, his phone switched on silent- not that anyone would message him. Maybe Touka, maybe Nishki. Who cared right? It wasn't like Kaneki would be replying to him any time soon. He closed his eyes, silently chastising himself for his pessimistic thoughts. Kaneki could take his time. Kaneki probably still needs space. And since Mister Flashy is a waste of space Kaneki is technically getting space, he told himself.
He sighed, shaking his head at his crappy humour and sitting up, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. His hair tickled his shoulders.
How odd it was: To let it hurt so badly, being alone without Ken.
Groaning, he ran a hand through his hair. He needed coffee.
He breathed a sigh of exasperation. He had needed coffee, yet here he was standing in front of Kaneki's apartment. It was as if his feet had sensed his desperation and had led him here of their own accord. So stupid.
His feet were very romantic; bringing him to the person he had been anxious to see. He laughed to himself quietly, not bothering to waste time debating whether he should knock or not.
Ken needed space. That was fine.
He would definitely give him space. He would leave him until he would be approached by him. Until Kaneki was happy and comfortable he would wait. He would be patient. He would be okay. He would be okay alone. He could do this. Again.
He turned to go, and paused mid-step.
A slight breeze blew through his long hair tousling it. Cherry blossoms sailed through the air and his breath caught a little at the sight before him.
Kaneki was there. A mixed sense of relief and foreboding settled over him.
'Hide.'
'Yo, Kaneki.' He grinned.
'How come you're here?' No formalities for today then. He shrugged, still smiling. It was hard not to burst into a smile every time he saw the white haired man. Kaneki was like his personal spike of adrenaline. 'Passing the neighbourhood, ya know. Just walked by!' He strove to give Kaneki a casual response, unwilling to tell him that he had probably stood staring at the small apartment for at least fifteen minute lost in internal conflict about the very person he was talking to. A small crease appeared between snowy brows and a conflicted pair of grey eyes stared at him. He raised his own eyebrows in response, raising his hand to rub the back of his head. 'You stood there for quite a while,' Kaneki mumbled, taking a step closer almost hesitantly. He felt like a wild animal being approached.
'Ahhh, did I? Must have lost track of time,' he laughed, a slight waver to his voice that he hadn't been able to suppress. Kaneki seemed to notice that too and pursed his lips.
'What's wrong Hide?'
I have no idea how I feel about you Kaneki. I just want to try this thing with you.
'Just missed my best bud is all,' he laughed again. That was definitely acceptable in platonic terms. More than being platonically correct, it was the truth and it felt good saying it. 'I missed you too.' He smiled wider at that. The words were like water being thrown on fire. He was so relieved. After days of thinking and more thinking and worrying. He was just so relieved.
'And I drink woe in every want,
Poison in every wine,
And I never knew it would be so bitter,
To be alone…' He wasn't sure why he had started quoting another one of those dusty foreign poems that Kaneki used to read; he trailed off uncertainly wondering if he had crossed the blurry boundary again.
'Alone without you.' The words were hushed but Hide heard them, causing his heart to leap.
'You have a knack for completing them!'
'You have a knack for leaving them incomplete.' There was a small smile on Kaneki's lips.
'It's your fault for making me remember something so cheesy and nerdy,' the blonde whined, crossing his arms behind his head and grinning lazily. Just as he said that, the smile that had been on his companion's face, fell. 'Yeah… I have to go now Hide.' He could feel his own face falling at the abrupt mood change. He lowered his hands and turned to Kaneki who was looking at the ground, his lips pressed into a quivering line.
Hide wanted to say something. Ask him why? Why was Kaneki pushing him away? It was hurting not only him but both of them. He could tell it was. Had he overstepped so far that Kaneki couldn't stand him at all anymore?
The white haired man started walking past Hide to his apartment, Hide stunned into silence watched him as he fumbled with his keys in front of his door.
He couldn't push Kaneki again. He shouldn't.
The separation was painful though.
It wasn't like Kaneki would leave him…
No he wouldn't would he?
It was happening all over again.
He was going to be left all alone.
It was going to devourer him slowly.
The loneliness. The very thing he'd struggled not to pay attention to would end up killing him. He'd be living on coffee and fake smiles again. Kaneki would disappear and he'd be all alone. 'Mind if I join you inside?' he asked before he could stop himself and consider the consequence of his words. Kaneki froze, his slender hand poised on the door knob, his expression frozen. 'I- It's messy.'
The excuse was pitiful. He smiled, sauntering closer to Kaneki. 'It's fine I've seen your messes Neki,' he laughed, shrugging in the most relaxed manner he could, and Kaneki's eyes dropped back to the ground, his hand raised to his chin. Hide braced himself.
'It's really bad. I don't think you should see.'
Was he even talking about the apartment anymore?
Obviously not.
Kaneki had a strange clever almost poetic way of phrasing things. Especially when he was struggling. However Hide was irked! Had Kaneki just thrown the most see-through excuse he could have thought of at him. He could have at least came up with something mildly believable.
'I think… we're not strangers Neki. You shouldn't treat me like one either,' he said softly, unable to hold it back anymore. He was glaring at the ground and struggled with himself for a few seconds before raising his eyes to meet Kaneki's wide grey ones. He really couldn't keep it to himself. 'So I feel that instead of this, you should just tell me you don't want me around. I'll understand, just don't give me the bad excuses.' The blonde kicked an invisible stone, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He had broken the eye contact a while back. He couldn't maintain it while saying and acting so uncharacteristically.
It hurt.
It hurt him a lot.
But it must have hurt Kaneki more.
That made him hurt more.
This would make Kaneki crack and leave.
He was such an idiot.
'You could have at least given me a better exc-'
'I love you.'
His head shot up, and startled brown eyes met steady grey ones.
'What?!'
'I-I mean like. I like you,' Kaneki had turned his head, his face steadily growing pinker with each word. Hide was at a loss for words for the first time in his life and he gaped at him, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Of course he shouldn't have been too surprised. But understanding it and hearing it straight out of the horse's mouth was another thing.
'I-yeah. I know.'
'You do?!' Now Kaneki had turned back to him, his eyes widened in horror, his mouth gaping. Hide bit his lip, trying to smile through it and nodded slowly, trying to look reassuring. 'I mean, I'm really happy you feel that way Kaneki, I really am. I like you too.' Instead of reddening further as Hide had expected, Kaneki paled further, almost going as white as his hair. 'You're joking right? You're only saying that because you pity me.'
Once again Hide was stunned into silence. This was not what he expected at all. 'This is not me pitying you! I like you too, I want to try this.' Hide spat, aghast at Kaneki's response. Kaneki pursed his lips, all traces of pinkness gone from his face. 'I- I don't want you to suffer Hide. You're only doing this to make me comfortable. It's fine.'
'No… No! It's not fine. I really want to try this with you. It's not just for you Ken!'
'Hide… I- I want something you're dedicated to…' Kaneki's knuckles were bone white, clenched at his sides, his voice soft.
'I will be dedicated!' The blonde threw his hands into the air vexed. What did he mean dedication? It had come to a point where he was dedicated to him to a huge degree. Did Kaneki want him to give up his life? Drop everything and be with him?
'Not entirely dedicated…' Kaneki retorted, his voice still hushed. 'How dedicated should I be? Can't we just try this out? Why are you afraid of this? Why are you afraid of me?' Hide asked, the frustration, the panic, a spark of anger, finding its way to his head. 'I'm not! I just want you to be dedicated and feel the same way!'
'Why don't you trust me?! You never trust me with anything. You didn't tell me you were a ghoul; you didn't trust me enough to think that I'd stay with you even if you were. I had to figure it out on my own. Now you're going to do the same thing aren't you? You're going to leave me!'
He abruptly shut his mouth realizing to what an extent he had spilled his guts. He had just poured salt over every past wound Kaneki probably had regarding him.
Kaneki had gone deathly still, his eyes frozen on Hide; his expression painfully blank. 'I'm really tired. I'm going to go Hide.'
Shit. Shit. He'd really fucked up this time.
'Don't walk away again!'
The door slammed on his face.
He was left alone in the warm afternoon.
A/N: Thank you for the reviews and criticism. I will do my best to improve.
I apologize for the slow update and will work to update faster.
One more chapter left, ah I am excited for this slow build fic.
Thanks once more for the support, reviews and critiques are much appreciated.
-Ever
