After last night's episode, I felt so inspired :) (POOR EMMA BABY!)

Here is a new chapter :) Hope you like it!

VMars Lover: you guessed right :O :D

Imnotsurereally: I am glad you like it :D thank you for reviewing :) Every review fed to me, makes me work faster :D

Chapter 6: If I'm loser or just unlucky, so are you

My hand wandered to my nose. When I held it in front of my eyes, all I could see was blood. No, please! Not now! Not in front of him!

He starred at me shocked. I tried to smile, making it worse. „It's just a nosebleed." Without thinking I grabbed the scarf of Mr. Gold and pressed it onto my nose. „No, it's pumping out of you!" He was right, a huge pool of blood was on the desk and the floor. „What should I do? You should sit down and pinch your nose or something. Maybe I should call 911." „It'll stop in a minute." „I don't know what to do? Tell me what to do!" He panicked but I somehow had the strange feeling that his last sentence was not directed at me.

„Just get some ice." „What?" „Ice!" „I don't have any here." I sat down. I was so dizzy. The blood just did not stop flowing. „Oh Jesus, you have to take me to the hospital." „Miss Swan, I can't drive." He pointed at his leg. „Then just call 911, quick." Mr. Gold was limping outside and was waving someone to him. I could hear them talking. „Please, I need help!" „Why would I help you?" I instantly noticed the voice. Mr. Gold dragged Killian into the shop.

I had robbed behind the counter desk. Please, please god, don't let him see me like this! He cannot! Not after everything that happened tonight!

„Let go of me. I don't owe you anything. I won't help you." But then he seemed to notice all the blood. „Are you hurt?" Gold looked down to me. I was shaking my head, my eyes pleading with Mr. Gold. I silently told him: „DON'T." „I cannot do this alone, Miss Swan. I need help!" „Emma?" Killian walked around and saw me. „We need to get her out and wait for the ambulance." He just stood there frozen. He did not do anything. I did not even saw him breathing.

„Mr. Jones, help me." But still he did not move, he was frozen in place. „Just leave him." „Fine, we can manage on our own." Mr. Gold was steadying me the best way he could with one arm around me. As soon as we stepped outside, I could hear the siren. Gold still looking shocked. I thought I heard him say: „This was not supposed to happen. We need more time. She is not ready yet." But I guess I was just hearing things due to the blood loss.

—-

I was laying on a gurney and being pushed into the hospital. Mr. Gold was talking to some doctors standing around. „She must be thirsty. She's lost so much blood. Should she have some water?" Dr. Whale came to us. „Good, you are here." Dr. Whale looked at me. „Miss Swan, I have checked your healthy record. You should have told me sooner that you had acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Did she have any signs of thrombocytopenia before today?" He looked at Mr. Gold expectantly.

„I have no idea. I did not even know she was ill." He now was talking to a nurse. „Can you please find out when her last platelet transfusion was?" I was speaking, tasting the blood which came down my nose steadily. „My last platelet transfusion was May 18th." „Okay, thank you, but don't talk. Mr. Gold, come around here and hold her hand." He did so without hesitation. „Squeeze his hand once for yes, twice for no. Understand?" I squeezed Mr. Gold's hand once, only softly since I was so weak. I hoped he had noticed at all. „Yes." Good. I could feel my strength fading as Mr. Gold was talking for me. „Any signs of thrombocytopenia?" „No."

„Headaches? Bruising?" „Yes." „Aspirin products? Bonjela? Teejel? Anti-inflammatories?" „No, none of those. No." „Good." „I am afraid we're going to need to cauterize your nose. Have you been cauterized before?" „Yes, she has." „We'll check your platelets and then you're going to need at least a couple of units. A rough night, but you'll be back home tomorrow."

I was only half woken but I could hear someone talking. „What happened, Mr. Gold?" „She came into my shop …", he stuttered, but then thought that the whole story was not relevant, he went on: „…it was a posterior nosebleed. You know, the bad kind. They had to pack her nose with vasoconstrictive agents. Before that they transfused in two units. She now is stable."

„Did the doctors could tell you why this happened?" „I don't think I am in the position to tell you." „Okay, I will wait for Emma to wake up then. Thank you that you stayed with her, Mr. Gold. That was very kind of you." „I am a man of honor, I could not abandon her. Reminds me of something, you should better check on her boyfriend too." „Boyfriend? Emma does not have a boyfriend, at least none, I know of." „Well, Mr. Jones was glued to the spot and looked like someone has ripped his heart out. I hope Miss Swan gets better soon, I really do." „Goodbye, Mr. Gold." „Have a good evening, Mrs. Blanchard."

I heard the clicking of his cane as he left the room. I could feel someone sitting onto my bed and gripping my hand tightly. It felt good. „I am here now, Emma, I won't let you alone." And I did not wake up but fell back asleep again.

When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital room. It was a real big one. I guess they don't have that many patients around here. There were flowers next to my bed and MM was sitting in a chair, looking at me. „Emma, how are you feeling?" „Sleepy. Why are you here?" It sounded rather rude. „I am always a volunteer at the hospital and then I heard all the nurses panicking, so I walked outside and saw you. I was really worried and the doctors would not talk to me."

„Thanks for being here, MM." „Emma, what is it exactly you have?" I did not look her in the eyes. I did not want to talk about this but I guess it was inevitable. We were living together. What if this kind of stuff was going to happen to me more often? She needed to know what she had to do then. But I did not want her to be dragged into this. I did not want to be selfish. MM was just so pure, I did not want to break her.

„You can talk to me. I can handle it." I doubt that. „Please, Emma, just spit it out!" She was close to tears, so she was guessing something serious was up. She took my hand in hers again. „Help me up, I want to look you in the eyes when I do." She gently was pulling me up. „Promise me, you won't cry. I could not handle that." I tried a smile, but MM did not respond to it.

„Okay, where to start. Uhmm…I guess I just tell you from the beginning. I have not really told anyone the whole story, so please don't judge if it is not very fluent." She nodded. „Four years ago, well, I thought I had the flu. But it just would not clear up, that's why I went to the hospital, they did several tests.

I was getting more horrified with every passing hour. And then, they confirmed my worst fears. They told me I had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, cancer, which is very rare, since it most of the time gets only diagnosed with children. I started medical treatment, only realizing that it would not heal me, only prolonging my life slightly. The chemotherapy was so aggressive, I spent most of the time in the loo, throwing up and feeling weaker. It simply made me feel so bad. That's why I decided to end the chemotherapy entirely. The doctor's were urging me to continue with it but they could not hold out any hope for my survival if I did.

I did not want to waste my time in the hospital. I did not want to die in hospital." Now, I had said it to her. I was dying. „I wanted my final year to be special, to make up for all the miserable years I had to endure. So you see, staying in Storybrooke was not a new beginning for me, it is an end." I single tear was trickling down her cheeks. „Why haven't you told me before?" „I did not want to upset you. And it's not the first thing I mention when I introduce myself to someone and get to know him."

Her hand has let go of mine. She was brushing away the tear. „Are you afraid?" „It comes and goes. Most people think that when you're sick you become fearless and brave, but you don't. Most of the time it's like being stalked by a psycho, like I might get shot any second. Sometimes I forget about it for hours."

„What makes you forget?" „Henry." She now looked like something has hit her. „Did you tell him?" „No, and I won't." „Why? He will find out eventually." „No, because I won't be around when it gets that bad. You have to keep it secret." „I don't think it's a good idea to keep this from him. He deserves to know. Do you want him to think that you abandoned him? That Regina was right?" When she put it that way it sounded bad. „I just don't want him to get hurt." „Well, he will get either way. If you stay or go, it won't matter."

„Maybe I am going to tell him. Just not now. Okay?" „Fine." Dr. Whale came into the room. „Miss Swan, I want to inform you about your platelet count." „And?" He looked at MM. „Oh, it's fine, she can stay." „Given your circumstances, they are good, not perfect but could be worse." „That's good news, isn't it?", MM questioned. „Yes, it is, Miss Blanchard. Will you take Miss Swan home?" „Of course. Thank you, Dr. Whale." MM was red as a tomato.

When he has left the room, I starred at her. „Is there anything you want to tell me?" „It was just a one time thing…", she blurted out. „To distract yourself from David?" „Don't judge me." I had the feeling that she wanted to say something else but bit her tongue to hold it back. „Now let's get you home. You must be tired and hospitals are not that great to relax."

Killian:

I was sitting in my car, parking in front of the hospital. A bunch of flowers was lying on the passenger seat. I have remained in this position for several hours, always trying to figure out whether I should go in and talk to her or not.

I wanted to explain to her… why I could not help. There was just so much blood. It was everywhere. On the floor. On the desk. Her shirt was drenched, her hand blood-smeared. This whole situation reminded me too much of finding Milah with her cut wrists in the bathroom. It was like having a deja-vu.

I lit a cigarette. My eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. If I had a bottle of alcohol with me, I would drown my sorrow with it right now. So much has changed in my life. Now I visited two graves on a daily base.

My heart could not take another loss. It felt like only a little piece of my heart was left that was functioning. When it will break one more time, everything good in me that was left will be gone and I will loose who I am. It will be the death of me.

And seeing Emma, I knew that in a short amount of time I would visit three graves. Three people that I have cared about would be washed out of my life. I have realized that I have already, completely fallen for her although I had tried to fight it.

I have sworn to never let myself fall for someone again. Love was hurt. And now here I was, sitting in front of the hospital, still unable to approach her. Still being afraid.

Still questioning what the kiss meant. I knew what it meant for me. She wrecked me. She imprinted herself into my memory and washed away all the feelings I had for Milah… maybe not washed away but just made me look at my relationship with Milah more closely. Had it really been love? I could not tell any longer because when Emma kissed me, it felt a thousand times intenser than what I had with Milah.

But was I ready for this? Could I deal with loosing her? Could I betray my dead best friend?

Why was everything so complicated? Shouldn't love be easy? When two people were meant to be together, it should be easy-going.

Suddenly, the hospital doors swung open. Emma was sitting in a wheelchair, MM was pushing her. The two of them were chatting, Emma was even smiling. When they reached the stairs, MM helped her stand up. She looked weak, but she was alright. At least, for the moment.

MM had her arms around Emma, supporting her. Suddenly, Emma was lurching. I nearly jumped out of the car to hurry to her side. But MM held her tightly. She helped get Emma into the car. Why did I not walk over to her? Give her the flowers and talk to her. How I longed for her voice. I could not stay away from her. It was not possible anymore.

I grabbed my hair and let out a sigh of frustration. I watched as MM drove away. Emma was so pale, but how couldn't she, after having lost so much blood. I did not even knew that so much blood was able to come out of one's nose.

I opened the window and threw the flowers away. This has been a bad idea.

I was sitting in my apartment, unable to do anything useful with myself. A bottle of rum was standing on the couch table. But I did not touch it, just starred at it.

My life was a total mess. Of course, there had been some good times, but to be honest, the few horrible moments of my life overshadowed the happy ones. They will always outweigh the times that I have felt light and lucky.

Whenever I thought of Milah, it was a blur of red and dark brown. Her smile a grimace, her „I love you" a mock. She haunted me in my dreams. She was the reason that I questioned myself. I had not been enough. That's why I could not save her. I was not good enough in the end. Maybe I never was. I always thought we were one soul, split in two bodies.

But I was wrong.

I was too selfish. I did not see the signs of her distress, of her sadness. She had reached out for me a few times, giving me hints. I persuaded myself that she was just going through a rough phase. That we were happy.

And Graham. I cannot even begin with thinking of him. I saw his body, stiff and pale, in the coffin, dressed up in a suit. His smile washed out of his face. I could not save him as well. Maybe if we had not fought, I would have been worried for him, searching for him and finding him just in time. When Regina had found him, he was dead for several hours.

He was my family for the last years. The only one I had left.

All the girls I shared the bed with, meant nothing to me. They were just a replacement for the real thing.

I got the tattoo of Milah's name to remind myself, to never fall in love again. Because it hurt too badly, because I did not deserve it. I took her happiness from her. So I should not get a chance to be happy again.

My self-confidence around others was just a pretense, a charade.

I grabbed the bottle and threw it against the wall. Drinking would not get me anywhere.

She had dreamed of me. She had kissed me. She nearly bled to death. I was avoiding her ever since that day. We just were not meant to be. I was not meant for anyone. At first, I only saw her as another distraction, as another name on my list of women, but now… I knew she was so much more. But I could not let myself allow to feel something again. But I already did. I could not help it.

But, because I felt something for her, because I cared about her, I could not be selfish with her. And that's why she would never hear this. I did not deserve her. I could never be with her.

She deserved a love that consumes her. I could see, that she wanted passion and a little bit of adventure, not someone who would use her to heal his own wounds. To drag her down with him. No, I needed to stay away from her. Even if it meant losing my heart, my humanity, everything that I was. I just had to go back the life I had before meeting her.

Everything has changed. But I still remained, glued to the spot, the world has started to move without me. While everyone was reaching the sun, I stayed in darkness. I cannot be saved.

Emma:

I was lying in my bed. MM was indulging me, every half hour she brought me something to drink or eat, handing me another blanket because I was freezing, fluffing up my pillow. She even brought the TV into my room, so that I did not have to get up.

She did all of this without me asking her to. Maybe it was not so bad after all that she knew. I felt a lot lighter not keeping this secret from her.

She was lying next to me, we were watching a movie. I never had something like this. I never had a friend before. I almost could not believe it.

I did not follow the movie, I just enjoyed having someone next to me, that cared about me. She would be there when I needed her. She would be in the waiting room, worried about what the doctor would say. I was not alone anymore. I had a place where I belonged.

I grabbed her hand. MM smiled at me. When the movie was over, MM tucked me in as if I was a little child, she turned off the lights and walked out of the room silently. Before she reached the door, I stopped her. „Thank you, MM." „I will always be there for you, Emma. Don't forget that."

It has been 3 weeks, 2 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes since I last had seen Killian. I was a bit ashamed of myself that I counted every minute. I was avoiding him and it seemed as if he was avoiding me too. I still dreamed about our kiss. It still turned into a nightmare every night.

I picked up a coffee at Granny's. It was rather early, so I was surprised to see MM there. Shouldn't she be still at home? I sat down across from here. „Em…Emma, what are you doing here?" She said, her eyes wandering to the clock. Suddenly, the door swung open and David came in. MM just started laughing as if I had said something funny. „You did not. I cannot believe it."

So she faked not even noticing him, although she was watching him secretly in the reflection of the mirror. She waved her hands at me to play along her game. „Yeah, it's so unlike me. I guess, it's just what Chicago did to me." David came over to us, two cups of coffee in his hand. „Hey, Emma. Mary Margaret." His eyes rested on her. „David? What a surprise." MM said, her head as red as a tomato.

„How are you?" He asked her, they both seemed to have forgotten about me. „I am fine." „I should probably go now. I will be late." „Of course. I was certainly glad to see you again." „I was certainly glad as well." He walked away, never breaking eye-contact with MM.

When he was out the door, I said: „You never stopped seeing him, did you?" I thought that it was not possible but she grew even more red. „MM, he will break your heart." „He is going to leave her." „Yeah, they always promise that. Look, I know that David is a good guy and because I know this, I know that he will never leave his wife. He has just remembered everything." „He will tell her tonight." „Really?" „Yes. I love him. And he loves me. That's all that matters."

„Well, I guess I was wrong. I am happy for the both of you." „Thank you, Emma." She took a sip of her cocoa. „So, what's with you and Killian?" Now it was me who blushed. „Why would you bring him up?" „Well, it's obviously for everyone that you have feelings for him." „I don't." „Emma, that wall of yours, it may keep out pain but it also may keep out love. You should risk it. At least, try to lower your wall. Being in love is the best feeling in the world."

„It's complicated." „Well, no one said it was easy." „But no one said it was that hard either." „I know you are afraid, and I totally get it. But don't let your illness get in your way to be happy."

You are the most beautiful person that I have ever met." I blushed at his compliment. I knew this guy for what … a couple of hours? Since I had robbed the stolen car. He was a thief, just like me. He was alone, just like me. And yet, I was fascinated by him, drawn to him.

He invited me to have a drink with him. How could I ever say no to such beautiful, brown eyes? I was under his spell the moment I had looked into the driver's mirror and saw him. Okay, I was frightened at first, because I thought I had been caught but shorty after that I noticed his handsome face.

I was starring at my drink. I had never had a drink before. I did not really know what to do. He was still watching me with a smirk on his face. My eyes were locked with his when I took a small sip. He joined me. While my glass was still almost full, his was empty.

Why does a pretty woman like you have to steal a car?" „To be free." „Free of what?" „Of everything." I looked up to him through my thick, dark lashes. „And yourself? Why are you on the runway?" „Who said I was a runway?" „Well, a desperate person recognizes another." He winked the barkeeper to fill our glasses. I hurried to finish the first one.

Neal." „What?" „My name is Neal. Neal Cassidy." „I am Emma Swan." „I am certainly glad you decided to break into the car I was living in, Emma." He put a strand of hair behind my ear. My eyes fluttered because of his touch. My stomach felt as if it has been turned up side down. My heart was beating fast. What was this? Was I going to be sick or something?

There was only me and him. I was not aware of anything else. We had not talked that long and yet… there was something going on between us. An understanding without words. I surprised myself when I sat up and lay my lips on his lips. It did not take long for him to respond to it as if he had read in my eyes what I was going to do.

His lips felt so good against mine. His hands travelled over my body, from my shoulders down to the small of my back, where they rested for a while, before they trailed down to my ass. I moaned, which gave him the opportunity to deepen the kiss. His tongue slipped into my mouth, searching for my tongue so that they could dance together.

I had never kissed a man before and when I had dreamt about it, I never thought it would feel this good. Or was it because of whom I shared the kiss with? He smelled so good. My fingers were tangled in his brown, curly hair.

When he pulled away, we were both out of breath. But he looked down on me with so much … love in his eyes. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I had never thought that love at first sight was possible and here it happened to me.

I woke up, Neal's body was not pressed against mine. His body heat not warming me. I panicked, it was so dark, I could not see anything. I shivered. I was so confused. He usually was snuggled against me, his arm wrapped around my body. Normally, I had woken up when he stood up during the night. Although he had always tried to not wake me, as soon as he moved inches away from me, I woke up and smiled at him and then we had sex. Brilliant, mind-blowing sex.

Why did I not wake up this time? I was so confused. Then the lights went on and I could see the small cell, which was my home for the past month. Because of him. Because he betrayed me.

He had left me. He handed me over to the police. I was nothing worth to him. Everything that we had was based on a lie. Or rather the dreams of a foolish girl. The dreams of me.

All that I had asked of my life, was to get a chance to be happy. I thought I had found it. But now I was only heart-broken and pregnant. Pregnant with a child that would constantly remind me of him. Was I strong enough for this?

I could love him or her. My hand rested on my belly. But could I care for the child? I had no money, no family to support me, and the father of the child would never get to know that the child even existed. I had tears in my eyes.

We could have been happy. We could have been a real family because of the child. It would have been the culmination of our love. I had the picture of us in my mind, where we walked through a small town, a boy (I know there was a 50 percent possibility it was going to be a girl) in the middle of us, holding hands with both of us. We owned a house with a white fence surrounding it. The house itself was painted blue and it was near the ocean. Seagulls flying nearby.

But he shattered everything. I had wanted to be free of my fears, of my nightmares and of my loneliness. But now he haunted me. Every way I looked he was there, mocking me. He had been the only thing in my life that I had truly wanted. But he did not want me.

No, I could not keep this child. At least, it deserved a chance at a normal life. A life with a family to support it, to cherish it. Not me. I needed to heal on my own before I could be there for someone else.

We are sorry to inform you that you have acute lymphoblastic leukemia." „I…I don't understand?" „It's a form of blood cancer." „I have cancer?" „I am afraid so." „Am I going to die?" „We will try everything that we can to prolong your life, starting with a chemotherapy." „Prolonging my life? So there's no chance that I can be cured?" „We don't know that. We just have to await how the treatment will work on you. Do you have any questions?"

I just… need a moment to myself." „Of course." He left me, I was sitting in the consulting room. I grabbed the next best thing and threw it against the wall. Why? Just why did this happen to me?

What on earth have I done to deserve such a life? I felt so lost and lonely. I wished he was here. Neal. I wished he was there to support me, holding me in his strong arms. It has been a long time since I have thought of him, almost a year. And now… I wanted nothing more than feeling his arms around my body, his whispers in my ear that everything was going to be okay.

I had never tried to search for him. But now I wished I had. I wished I had told him how I felt and how his betrayal hurt me. And maybe it was going to be too late now.

Gods, Neal, I need you, why have you never understood that?" I murmured to myself. Before the doctor could come back, I left the hospital. I needed time to think what I was going to do.

I went to a support group several times a week. But it was just a waste of time. Because of the group I would not get better, I could not be cured. Talking about my illness was not preparing me for anything. It was just a waste of time.

These people maybe had the same fate as myself but we had nothing else in common. With them they brought their relatives. All of them had whole groups of people standing behind them, being there for them.

I always came alone. I had no friends, I did not entrust anyone with my illness, I did not want anyone to think I was weak.

Nonetheless, I envied them. And that was the worst. Hearing their stories about how wonderful everyone treated them. Only then I realized how alone I truly was.

I quit the group a week later and moved to Boston. I needed a fresh start. A new home, a new environment. Maybe even working again.

I could not wait for a shining knight in armor on a white horse to appear in front of me and bring me my happy ending. If I wanted to be happy, I needed to reach it on my own.

I woke up, panting and sweat-drenched. I guess another nightmare although I could not remember it. It was still in the middle of the night. I got up because it was useless trying to go back to sleep.

I got dressed and went to the only place that one could have fun in Storybrooke. The rabbit hole.