A/N: Another Thursday update! (grins) Yosh?
First, of course… THANK YOU, so very much, for all your reviews and love! (BEAMS) You've helped me get all excited about this story and for that I'm grateful. So thank you! You guys are precious. (hugs)
Awkay… (takes a deep breath) I suppose that it's time to get going, eh? I really hope that you'll enjoy this one.
Smoke, Flame and Burn Marks
Three weeks after being discharged from the hospital Spencer did something he'd, for a while, wondered if he'd ever be able to do again. He went grocery shopping with Derek. It was one of the biggest milestones he'd achieved in his recovery so far. Still he tried desperately to act like it was the most natural thing in the world to do.
Unfortunately Derek didn't make that acting easy on him. Whenever someone, be it a man or a woman, took even a single step too close the larger agent emitted an actual growl and wrapped one arm around Spencer although the gesture made the genius stiffen from discomfort. Whenever someone made the mistake of looking at Spencer for too long Derek glared back with such venom that would've chilled anyone. Derek had always been protective of him but the attention had never felt suffocating before.
STOP it!, Spencer wanted to snarl, the fact that his boyfriend only meant well be damned.
Let me prove to myself that I can do this!
Let me try!
The longer the shopping trip lasted the more agitated Spencer found himself becoming. He was angry, stressed out, frustrated and on the edge. And he had no idea how to vocalize all of that. He'd always been bad at expressing what he wanted but this was just ridiculous.
Despite being a profiler Derek seemed oblivious to his discomfort, which only intensified the irritated frustration. "So, which one is it going to be today? Chicken or fish?"
Spencer shivered, his fingers fiddling with his jacket that was a bit too heavy for such a weather. No matter, these days he always felt cold, anyway. His eyes scanned around, suddenly all too aware of just how many people there were around him. His whole posture stiffened. "I'm… not really hungry."
Derek gave him a look of annoyance and worry. One that stabbed deeper than any knife ever could. "Hey, don't give me that! Scott's gonna make you step on a scale in a couple of days, remember? Do you really want to explain to him why you've lost weight again?"
Spencer took a deep breath, only to end up inhaling Derek's scent. Or rather the scent of that nauseating cologne. The same cologne his attacker wore when… "Chicken", he murmured. He meant what he said when announcing that he wasn't hungry but if seeing him force down a little bit was what it took to keep those around him happy…
Just then a shopping cart brushed his leg. Completely out of the blue. Just a little bit but still more than enough for him to feel it.
Spencer swallowed convulsively. Out of instinct his fingers twitched, fidgeting barely noticeably closer to Derek's. Immediately seeking for comfort. And Spencer hated it.
He survived pretty much on his own for such a long time. Looking after himself and his mother. He never needed anyone to hold his hand, never craved for anyone to reassure him and support him. This… This clingy, fidgety creature just wasn't the Spencer Reid he was! He wasn't supposed to be like this!
"Spence." Derek's voice was soft, comforting. There was a unreadable look in those dark eyes. He'd never had difficulties with reading his boyfriend before. "You're shaking."
For a second, two, Spencer just breathed. Plain and simple. Then glanced towards their shopping cart to avoid Derek's eyes. "Is that all?"
If Derek saw something he wasn't supposed to his boyfriend didn't let him know. "Yeah. That's all."
Spencer's sigh was that of relief. "Good. Then let's go home."
It wasn't until they'd made it to the safety of their car Spencer was finally able to breathe freely. Apparently the adventure had been equally exhausting on them both because Derek didn't seem to feel any need to speak, either. Instead the mocha skinned agent punched in one of the cds they both loved and started the vehicle.
They'd barely made it off the parking lot before Spencer fell asleep, his head buzzing with a million thoughts and emotions.
A couple of hours later, when Spencer had eventually fallen asleep on the couch and Clooney lay nearby keeping guard, Derek headed for a long jog. Lately he'd been feeling antsy, like there'd been electric currents bubbling in his veins. He wasn't proud of the things spinning around in his head.
Even after over three weeks he still feared that Spencer might disappear if he let the genius out of his sight for more than seconds. He was angry, furious, at his boyfriend for causing such terror. Furious although he knew just how little control Spencer had over himself at the time.
He now had a name. Janus Neilson. It'd been all over the newspapers quite soon after the man's trial began. Derek would've given just about anything if he'd been given the chance to kill that son of a bitch with his own bare hands and such raw wrath scared him. He was no stranger to anger but this… This was close to madness.
He still felt sick to his stomach a million times every day, wondering if all Spencer saw when looking at him was that bastard. If during those few times when he was actually allowed to touch his boyfriend it wasn't his hand the man felt. If he was much more than a painful reminder.
And also, after all the weeks passed, he was beginning to feel… anxious. Physical contact and the more intimate parts of a relationship had always been important to him, although his past experiences complicated those matters. He meant what he said when telling Spencer that he was willing to wait, forever if that was what it took, but… Well, certain parts of him didn't seem to agree very well. Derek wondered with a great deal of embarrassment if Spencer could tell what he'd been up to every time he pleasured himself in the bathroom, biting his lip to keep quiet.
Being so distant from Spencer, physically and emotionally, was nothing short of torture. Sure, things had improved a great deal from the beginning, but every step forward was slow and frustratingly tiny. And on top of all else were the memories of Buford Spencer's attack brought back to life, loud and clear. He'd even started having nightmares again.
Of course Derek knew that he should've talked about these things with Spencer. But how was he supposed to do that when he feared that any amount of extra pressure brought on the struggling doctor might make the man crack beyond repair? When Derek himself was still trying to come to grips with what was going through his head?
Derek didn't know how long he'd been running when he finally stopped, leaning against the railing of a bridge and panting heavily. All he knew was that he was rather far from home. And exhausted to the bone.
"You looked like someone's chasing you. Or perhaps like you're after something, or someone", a unfamiliar female voice spoke all of a sudden. Blinking with surprise Derek peered over his shoulder to see a woman of his age with long and wavy, almost black hair and the most piercing pair of blue eyes he'd ever seen. She was tall and slender, beautiful to anyone's standards. The short, black dress she was wearing flattered each and every bit of her form. The far from coy smirk on her lips sealed the deal. "In case you're wondering that wasn't a negative comment."
Derek found himself returning the smirk. Was his pulse racing just for the run? "A rough day", he offered, pleased to discover that he wasn't panting anymore.
The woman nodded slowly. Her eyes sizing him up slowly, greedily. "I see." Her moves were smooth and sensual when she searched through her red purse, then handed a paper towel towards him. "Well, maybe it'll improve from here." With those words she turned around and began to walk away, her hips moving in a way that certainly didn't make calming his heartbeat any easier on Derek.
For a few seconds Derek simply stood, as though stunned, until he began to dry his sweaty face. It was around then he realized that there was something hidden into the paper towel. Inspecting it with a frown he found a business card with a name and a phone number.
Irene Donovan
Dr. Scott Thomas had been a psychiatrist well long enough to be able to tell when something was bothering his patient. Well, something aside the obvious problem. Sitting in Spencer and Derek's apartment playing chess with the genius he could immediately tell that something was off. The most obvious sign was that he was actually winning.
"So…", he began after a particularly appalling move from his opponent. One of his eyebrows was arched. "That looks like something we're going to have to talk about."
Spencer stared at the chess pieces like they'd been the centre of all the evil in the world. It took a mighty moment before the words came. "There was a woman's business card in our trashcan", the man spat out like the words had been poison.
Scott's eyebrow bounced higher. Oh…! "Did you confront Derek about it?" he inquired, making a move. Only three more and he'd win.
Spencer's breath shuddered just a little bit. Those hazel eyes refused to meet his. "I didn't have to. I already know." The move made certainly didn't bring the genius any closer to winning the game. "He brought it home a week ago and decided to dispose it here before heading for this current case because he needed to prove to himself that he wouldn't use it. That he's stronger than the temptation."
Scott swallowed down the sigh that wanted to crawl out. These two were definitely in for a rough ride. "All couples face rough patches and temptations, Spencer. It doesn't mean that he'd be unhappy with you."
Spencer's chuckle was mirthless. "We've been together for a year and a half and so far every transition in our relationship has been… a rough patch. It even took us almost a decade to get together." The man gritted his teeth so hard that it must've hurt, no longer paying any attention to the game. "I know that I'm not a easy person to be with. There's been at least…" The doctor frowned, clearly counting in his head. "… fifteen times when I've been sure that he's had enough of me and my issues. This time just… feels different." And then there was a spark of fire. The look of a soldier who wasn't quite down just yet. "I just… I'm so tired of this drama and tension. Of wondering if I'm worthy of him sticking through this. Of constantly wondering if I'm enough to make him happy." By then there was a full blown inferno. "I'm sick and tired of him treating me like a brother again. Or no, actually, he's treating me like a victim. Or like he's a fucking therapist."
Scott couldn't keep himself from chuckling a little. Spencer swearing alone was enough to cause that reaction. "Ouch, that hurt a bit."
Spencer's eyes immediately widened a little bit. "I didn't mean…!" Whatever had been coming out was interrupted by the sound of a stomach rumbling loudly enough to disturb Clooney, who'd been snoozing nearby. It wasn't Scott's.
The therapist arched an eyebrow at his patient again. "Alright, that's it. Take your jacket. We're going to get you the best dish of Chinese food in the whole city." This was a risky idea but…
Spencer swallowed. The man didn't make even the slightest move to obey. "I just ate a sandwich! You saw me!"
Scott scoffed. "I saw you feeding it to the dog, sure. So you can cut the bull."
Clooney, fully awake by then, looked away appearing very guilty. Spencer looked stunned. "You couldn't see that!"
Scott shrugged, giving his best innocent expression. "I didn't. But now I know. So either you get that jacket or I force you into it."
Spencer rolled his eyes before finally getting up. Although the man turned quickly Scott was able to see exactly what he wanted to. The beginning of a smile. No traces of terror.
Scott smirked. Even felt a splash of warmth. Small victories.
The air outside was surprisingly warm. They walked on in a companionable silence, enjoying the calm and quiet, the feel of normalcy. Enjoying the moment of peace in the middle of a war.
Scott really didn't want to cut the silence but in the end he had to. "Oh, about that thing you asked during our previous session… I finally managed to get a hold of that friend of mine. He'll be happy to help you out."
A entirely new spark lit up in Spencer's eyes. Finally the genius looked towards him. "How soon can I meet him?"
The fire ants wandering under Derek's skin were multiplying with each day – hour, minute, second – the case took. Three days in he was quite ready to start peeling off the skin entirely. All he wanted was to go home, to finally really face Spencer, to finally say…
Yes, what?
What was it that he wanted?
Heck, he knew what he wanted, but was it asking too much?
"I never thought that you'd turn out to be a smoker." David's voice surprised him. Peering over his shoulder he observed the man walking closer, hands in his pockets and eyes focused on something in the horizon. "Reid's not going to be happy when he finds out."
Derek took a deep drag. It tasted even more horrific than before. He shivered. "He doesn't have to know."
"Oh, really?"
Derek cetainly knew that tone of a voice. Tossing the only half smoked cigarette away he looked at the older agent, feeling anger that in all honesty had nothing to do with his friend. "If there's something you want to say just spit it out", he half-growled.
David wasn't taken aback by his hostile tone. Didn't even seem to notice. "We've been working on this case for three days and you call Reid at least twenty times a day, like you're keeping an eye on him. You're far more irritable than usual and can't stay still for longer than a couple of seconds at a time." There was a knowing look on David's face. The man's eyes were far more serious than he'd ever seen them. "Listen to someone who's screwed up more than enough relationships. The moment you stop talking and being honest with each other is when all is lost."
Derek gulped, his fingers twitching nervously. "What if I'll only make it worse?" He could live with a distant, passive aggressive Spencer. But having the genius gone completely…
"You know, kid…" David's atypically gentle voice was nearly enough to cause a crack on his armor. "Judging by the look in your eyes, I doubt that it could get much worse."
Approaching hurried steps startled them both. Glancing to side they found JJ. It didn't take a lot to recognize the look in her wide eyes. "We've got a location!"
It was in the little hours of the night Spencer woke up slowly, wondering when he'd actually managed to fall asleep. He rubbed his eyes, desperately attempting to wake himself up while listening to the sounds of someone fumbling with keys and opening the door. Clooney was alerted instantly. Nails scratched the floor before over exciting whining ensued.
"Hey, boy", Derek whispered. "Calm down, alright? I'm glad to see you, too."
Spencer wasn't exactly sure how he felt as he pushed himself up and stood absolutely still. It was nerve wrecking to prepare himself for one of the hardest conversations he'd ever had. "I'm awake", he called out, only the tiniest edge in his voice betraying his true emotions.
Spencer had a whole speech planned out. A great plan on how he was going to let his innermost feelings be known. A plea that Derek would show his. A plea for something so that they'd stop just being together and start acting like a proper couple.
But then Derek stepped into the room and all of those words fell away.
Derek appeared impossibly small and fragile for someone so muscular and strong. There were traces of nearly spilled tears in those dark eyes. A tremble Spencer could see quite clearly. It didn't take even tenth of his skills to detect that the case hadn't come down the way everyone had been hoping for.
Spencer swallowed, taking a couple of steps closer. Dread swelling inside. "Derek?"
"We… We lost her." Derek's eyes didn't quite overflow but the shimmer in them wasn't caused by the little light there was in the room. "The killer… We came in just seconds after he was done. There… There was nothing they could do for her. She was only five years old and he…!"
As Derek trailed off, swallowing down floods of emotions the man obviously wasn't ready for, Spencer made up his mind. The older man's eyes widened a little when he walked closer still, his arms already opening up. "Spence, you don't have to…"
"Stop telling me what I can do and what I'm ready for", Spencer muttered, far more gently than he would've ever imagined possible. "Especially when you need me." And then, stunning them both equally, sealed his boyfriend into a tender hug that was breathtakingly similar to those they had before.
For a few moments Derek remained frozen. Then, slowly and hesitantly, the man began to return his embrace. Obviously holding back but still.
Spencer closed his suddenly stinging eyes, daring to tighten his hold on his boyfriend just a little bit. Without even thinking about it he inhaled deeply. Derek's scent this time, just the man's own. "You're not wearing the cologne."
"I'm not." Derek sounded a little bit confused, and amused. "I forgot it to Alabama."
"Good." It was murmured with such finality that nothing else was voiced.
It was their own little miracle, right there in the nearly dark living room. Something that gave them hope, courage and strength in the darkest of hours. Neither was willing to even think about moving away, or moving at all. Even the slightest twitch, a breath of push, might've broken the magic.
Neither noticed that at some point morning came. In fact they weren't even aware of the rest of the world until Spencer's cell phone began to ring. They shuddered and stiffened, neither having expected the disturbance.
Spencer cleared his throat and distanced himself from Derek's warmth although it was the last thing he wanted to do now that he finally found it again. His voice didn't sound familiar when he picked up. "Spencer Reid."
"It's me." He recognized his lawyer's, Sally Anderson's, voice immediately. She sounded tense and nearly excited. "They've finally moved on to the next phase. The murders have been dealt with."
Spencer swallowed thickly, feeling his knees grow a little weak. "What… does that mean?" He asked although he already knew.
"It means that now it's our turn." She sounded oblivious to his discomfort. Or perhaps she just didn't care. "Your testimony is scheduled to next Tuesday."
TBC
A/N: Oh, those two… (sighs) But at very least they're limping forward. Let's hope that this trial won't widen the gap between them any further.
AND WORRY NOT! No one is going to end up cheating anyone. Period. There may be a close call or two but that's it.
Soooo… Was that a good ride at all? PLEASE, leave a note and let me know your thoughts! The weather's already growing cooler around here so those notes of yours would be warm feel warm and giddy…
Plus, at the moment it looks like there'll be ten chapters of this, so we're nearing the end. (pouts and sobs a bit)
IN THE NEXT ONE: Feelings run high when Reid steps into the court-room. Will this make things even more complicated or push our couple towards the better?
Until next time, ya all! I truly hope that you'll all join in then.
Take care!
Sam: Spencer's finally taking steps towards the right direction. (beams) Derek finally letting himself fall apart a little bit was definitely a step towards the better as well. We'll see what's ahead our boys next…
Gosh, you're making me feel all excited and flattered! (grins from ear to ear) I truly hope that the next one won't be a disappointment for you, either.
Monumental thank yous for the amazing review!
ps: (blushes, and grins) Awww, I'm glad to hear you think so! This constant typing helps keep the language skills alive. (smirks)
