Here it is! Chapter 7! Named after an iamdavidcook song. Enjoy!
Chapter 7: Love & War
I asked Nel out on a date eventually. Well, I asked her to dinner. She asked me if it was a date and I cowardly said not to make such a big deal out of dinner. I admitted two weeks later that I counted it as a date. It worked out because apparently so did she. We started dating then. She kept my mind off of things I shouldn't have been thinking. She made me smile more. When I kissed her I felt at peace; and sometimes I felt something else. What? It's only natural!
I got my school work back on track. I was able to save myself somehow. Don't ask how. I don't understand it myself. I did a lot of extra credit. It didn't really matter though. I could have graduated a semester early, but decided against it; too afraid to hit the real world too soon.
"So wait, I'm confused. Captain America can fly?" she asked as we stared at the screen in my living room. Nel was sitting next to me on the couch with her legs draped over my lap. Her head rested against my heart.
"No," I chuckled. "He can just jump really far! His leg muscles are massively strong."
"Oh, so he can't shoot laser beams out of his eyes, or shoot fire or lightning out of his hands, or anything fun?" she asked innocently.
"No. He's human, except on like a million steroids."
"That's kind of lame," she answered.
I rolled my eyes as I smiled. Some people just don't understand. Then, my eyes caught her coming down the stairs; most likely from Kaien's room. Our eyes locked for a moment and I felt my chest ache.
"Hey!" Nel said cheerfully as she lifted her head to greet her.
"Hi," she answered awkwardly.
"What are you guys up to?"
"Just hanging out upstairs," she answered trying to back her way into the kitchen.
"You guys should come down and watch Captain Lame-o with us," she suggested.
"He's not lame!" I argued.
Rukia quickly answered. "No, I think we're good. Thanks." She then spun around and went into the kitchen. Nel leaned her head back down on my chest. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to make some sort of impossible friendship resurrection. It was adorable of her, but pointless. I wish she didn't try as hard as she did. It really just made me upset. The truth about it all was that we treated each other like complete strangers; only we were strangers that really didn't care to get to know each other.
My life was back on track. My self-esteem was rising. I actually cared about myself. Who would have thought? I was getting better. Sometimes it felt like I was in a dream because of how good I felt. I was happy. Of course, there were moments when I had a weird funk, but those feelings weren't taking over my life anymore. I was almost fully in control. The only thing that held me back was whatever hold Rukia had on my soul. It seemed silly, but despite knowing how horrible she has been to me, she still had something of mine. I couldn't get it back for the life of me.
Dreams haunted me. Not in the way they used to; those dreams seriously scared the shit out of me. Those were gory and morbid and just awful. Yeah, I'm unsettled just thinking about them. The last dream like that I had, I was tied down in a chair. Some girl was yelling at me and she started carving into the top of my feet. One foot had four cuts in it; the other had the word hatred carved in it. Blood rolled off of my feet. I screamed in that "dream-like" scream you have and woke up. It wasn't fun waking up in a cold sweat. But these newer dreams, they were specifically of Rukia. I knew it was her during the dream. She wasn't mean to me like many in the past. She acted normal. Well, normal in the sense that I know. You probably see her as a crazy bitch. My normal was what she was like before any of this chaos. She smiled at me in my dreams. She stared at me and smiled. It was so simple yet so heart wrenching. I'd have dreams where she'd run and jump on my back and then jumped off. When I turned around to look at her, my dream-self knew this was wrong. I'd look at her with her happy expression and ask her what she was doing. She looked back at me like I had four heads, punched me in the chest and told me to come on; that we were going to be late.
She haunted me. Not the Rukia now, but the Rukia then. I couldn't let her go. I finally let go this Rukia-imposter, but it was the old one; the one I'd never get back that I still had issues with. She didn't even exist anymore, but I was still tied to her. It was stressful and pointless.
Graduation was coming up. My college journey was coming to an end. My life had really changed. I had really changed. I no longer cared if different foods on my plate touched each other… Okay, you know what I mean. I went through a lot of shit. Of course I'd be different afterward.
I went to my academic advisor toward the end of the year. I wanted to thank her for helping me through that last semester. She really helped me catch up with what I missed. I got her a little present; a baseball mitt. Get it? She caught me up? Yeah, I know it's a horrible pun, but I knew she'd get a kick out of it. I walked into the office, which held many other advisors and professors inside. I told the main desk who I was there to see and they asked me to wait for a bit. I turned to go sit in one of the waiting chairs, and saw her sitting there. I swallowed subconsciously. I walked over slowly and sat two chairs away from her. There were only four chairs to begin with. I tried to focus my gaze on my lap or straight ahead. What were the odds? Honestly?
Other than the beeping of photocopiers and the occasional phone call, we sat in silence. Yes, it was very awkward. I finally leaned back in the chair; eyes closed, and took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. It was giving me anxiety.
"Did you pick up your cap and gown yet?"
My eyes shot open. Was she…? Seriously? I was almost afraid to turn and look at her. I felt like I imagined it. But I did turn, and she was staring directly at me. It made my hands start to shake, followed by my jaw. Why was I so scared of her? I know why now. It was because I feared what she could do to me. I feared being back in that horrible place I was before. I gave her so much power over me. Why she deserved that power in my mind, I have no idea. Clearly I lacked any self-confidence. "Uh, yeah. I did it yesterday."
"I just got mine. Weird, isn't? Graduating?" she asked. That wasn't the weird part to me. She was talking so casual. Why? I didn't understand. I never understood when it came to her. I saw the look in her eyes. They looked pained; like she was doing something against her will.
"Yeah. It seems like yesterday we were skipping classes to get an extra hour of sleep," I joked.
"That was yesterday," she replied with a smile. And there it was; it was what I dreamed of. She was smiling at me. It was meant for me; her eyes were staring right at me. The only difference was the way her eyes gazed upon me. In my dreams, they were full of love and excitement. Here, they were full of anguish. But there was something in there that was full of admiration. I felt a rush of both ache and joy run through me.
She broke our gaze and looked down to her lap. "Ichigo," she said my name gently. It lifted my heart up into my throat. She said my name. My existence seemed complete now. I know it shouldn't have mattered what she thought or whatever, but the one person that wiped me off the map, knew I was there. I wanted to cry from happiness. "Do you think-"
"Mr. Kurosaki, she'll see you now," the receptionist interrupted her. We looked at the woman and then back to each other. What was she going to ask me? She gave a tender smile. "You should probably go."
I stalled. Was this it? "Yeah, I guess so," I replied. I stood up and started to walk away, but turned and sent her a lazy wave. She smiled, this time, sorrow evident.
A few days later, I was making my way down the stairs to get something to eat from the kitchen. I stopped just at the bottom when I heard Kaien's voice coming from the kitchen. Standing behind the wall, I listened.
"What has gotten into you? You've been acting all weird for the past three days," he asked.
"I don't know. It must be graduation, I guess." It was Rukia.
"Are you sure? Because I keep finding you staring off into space with this bittersweet look all over your face. It's like you aren't even listening to a thing I say!" He seemed a little worked up.
"I'm sorry!" she shot back. "I don't know what's going on with me." Her tone was solemn.
"Is it… is it me?" he asked in hesitance.
"No!" she exclaimed. "No, it's not. I've just got a lot going on in my head right now."
"Like what?" he asked urgently.
"I… I can't tell you."
"And why is that?" he asked in annoyance.
"You wouldn't understand."
"You don't let anyone in to even try to understand! I know that's what your therapist is for, but you have to let other people that care about you in too."
"I can't help how I am, Kaien!"
"You can try!" There was a pause in the conversation. "What are you afraid of?" he asked gently.
"Myself," she answered in a whisper. I didn't know what that meant. What did she mean?
"What do you mean?" Kaien asked, which I mentally cheered him for.
She paused before answering. "I don't know," she answered softly. It sounded almost like she was guilty of something.
"Jesus," Kaien responded before I heard footsteps. Before I could register to move, Kaien turned to go up the stairs, where I was standing. He jumped at first, but then frowned and brushed past me. I turned to watch him continue up the stairs before making my way to the kitchen as planned.
I saw Rukia standing at the sink and looking down into it. Her hands braced herself against the counter. "Everything okay?" I asked delicately.
She looked up at me and leaned off of the counter. She smiled in that same manner I saw back at the Advisor Offices. "Yeah," she answered as she began to walk past me. I turned around to watch her.
"You sure?"
She stopped and turned back slightly to look at me. "I don't think I'm ever sure about anything," she answered with a sad smile and then left. Well that was reassuring.
The thing that suddenly clicked in my head was that I was caring way too much about whether she was okay or not. She didn't deserve me caring about her. But did that mean I was still bitter towards her and everything that happened? She did say she hated me… but she just said she was never sure about anything. Did that mean something? I shook my head. I was thinking about it too much. All she was doing was confusing me. But the annoying thing about myself is that I always want to help; regardless of who it is. People find that characteristic to be honorable or whatever, but I see it as a flaw. I ended up helping everyone else before ever helping myself. I've learned to better myself, but I can still get carried away sometimes.
People were really coming together. Remember that guy Momo dragged onto the dance floor a few chapters back? Yeah, apparently his name was Toushirou and they started dating after that. I had no idea. I'm still surprised she didn't scare the guy out of his mind. Uryuu and Orihime were sweethearts. Tatsuki seemed to be doing really well with that. I think she moved from being jealous to being happy for her friends. I did occasionally see that sad look in her eyes when she stared at them, but that's more than acceptable. Renji and Rangiku were still doing what they were doing. Oddly enough, it seemed like Rangiku got over him in the emotional way, but Renji started actually having something called "feelings". Yeah, it was a shock to everyone else too. Chad finally had the courage to ask out that girl in his nutrition class. Apparently she told him, "Took you forever," when he finally got the nerve to do it. He finally told me that he figured out what her shampoo was; coconut. I was happy for him.
Two weeks until graduation. Yeah, we were all scared shitless. Real life started after that. We were the legit grownups then. Sure it was exciting to some extent, but it also felt like our lives were coming to an end. The life of being reckless and crazy was slipping under our fingertips. I already had a job offer at a local advertising agency. I had some great recommendations from professors and my advisor. Nel even had an offer as a history teacher nearby. She had volunteered at the school many times, so they were well aware of her beforehand. It seemed like I was staying in the same place, but thrown into a different life. It blew my mind.
I was going over to hang out with Tatsuki and Rangiku. Renji and Chad were already there. They wanted to play poker. I don't know what sparked it. All of a sudden Rangiku and Tatsuki were watching professional poker on television and then I get a text from both of them saying how we needed to play. Now.
The walk over to their house was actually really nice. It was warm and sunny, but not too sunny where it's blinding. There was also a nice breeze that swept through my hair. I remember the air being very clean. I don't know if that makes sense, but I know that's what I thought. As I approached the house, I saw Rukia sitting on the front porch steps. "Hey," I said to her as I got to the steps.
"Hey there," she greeted with a kind smile. "Let me guess, you're here for poker."
I smirked. "I see you've found a way out of it."
"It's a talent," she commented with a grin.
"Yeah, I remember that. You managed to get out of taking an exam on time because you weren't ready for it. Said your brother was getting married-"
"Cousin," she proudly corrected.
I shook my head with a smile, "And you took it a week later."
"You're just jealous and too stubborn to admit it," she replied with a chuckle.
"Stubborn is too negative of a word. I prefer… determined," I responded with a smirk.
She rolled her eyes. "The only thing you're determined to do is make me want to slap that smirk off of your face," she ended with amusement.
"My smirk is too irresistible."
"Yeah, irresistible to slap." I shook my head at her. The same banter we used to do. Where did that come from? It was so natural to fall into. I don't think either of us saw that coming.
"Hey," I began hesitantly. "Do you remember back at the Advisors Office?"
Her face grew serious. "No," she said simply. She knew where I was going with that question. I wanted to know what she was going to ask me then. And by the way she answered me, I think she wanted me to know she remembered; she just didn't want to go back to it.
I nodded. "Hey, Rukia. Ready?" Kaien said walking up the sidewalk. She turned to look his way; I continued to look at her. "Yep," she said with a small smile. She turned back to me. It was slow motion somehow. Her eyes shined just a bit brighter when she looked at me. I knew that.
"You better get in there. They've been waiting for you for awhile," she suggested with a nod toward the house. "I'll see ya," she said finally with a soft smile before stepping off the steps and grabbing Kaien's hand. I watched as they made their way down the sidewalk.
How she managed to leave me yearning for something, I didn't know. What was it about her? I still didn't understand anything. I sighed before making my way into the house.
There are certain times when you realize you hate your friends. One of mine? When they decided to make it strip poker. I started making an attempt at escaping before Tatsuki and Rangiku dragged me back. Thank God I had some good hands. Renji lost. Somehow that wasn't surprising. I think he was too okay with losing too.
They wanted to play again. I flew out of there. I had to meet up with Nel back at the house anyway. She just finished her last final. We were going to celebrate. A little wine, some candles, some music; you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, I'm sorry for your loss. I was setting it up in my room. No one was home except for Kaien. God knows I wouldn't be having a conversation with him. We didn't talk much. And when I say 'much', I mean not at all. Ever since the cops were called on me, he pretty much detested me. I think he was mostly just guarding his territory. Not like me having a girlfriend should make him back off or anything…
I had everything set up; music was playing, candles were placed but not lit, rose petals were scattered; yes, rose petals. I decided to go all out. I even wore a button down shirt with khaki shorts. I was aiming to impress. There's nothing wrong with going an extra foot or two for a woman. I had the wine glasses set, but then realized I didn't have anything to open the wine bottle, or the wine battle for that matter. I ran downstairs to the kitchen to find a corkscrew. On my way out of the kitchen, I ran into Rukia who had just walked in.
"Oh, hey," I said in slight surprise. What was she doing here?
"Hey," she said with confusion on her face. Her eyes ran down my body. "What are you all dressed up for? …And holding a corkscrew for?" The wine was held slightly behind my back.
"Uh, I'm having a nice evening with Nel." I held up the corkscrew in one hand, and then held up the wine in the other. "Wine."
"Oh," she answered slightly uncomfortable. I raised an eyebrow as we stood there in silence. She jumped suddenly, probably realizing how awkward it had gotten. "Well I'm here to see Kaien," she said hastily and even pointing up the stairs. I mentally face palmed. Why else would she be here? For some reason I thought she was here to see me.
I nodded rapidly. "Right, right. Just hanging out tonight?" It was incredibly awkward! I had no idea why!
"Yep, yep. But ya know, if you're trying to impress her, you might want to fix your shirt. You're off by a button," she said with a chuckle.
"What?" I said looking down at myself. She stepped closer to me. "Here," she said as she began to unbutton my shirt. My mouth hung ajar. She was undressing me. Sure I might have had my hands full, but that still wasn't an excuse. What the hell was she doing?
My bare torso felt the chill of the air. Her fingers moved delicately up the black shirt; taking her time to fasten each button. She accidently touched my skin at one point and I noticed her pause for just a millisecond before continuing. She was close enough for me to be able to smell her silky raven locks; lavender. It's what I expected. She told me a long time ago she loved using the same scented shampoo.
"There," she said when she was done. When she looked up to lock eyes with me, she immediately looked away. I saw her even begin to blush. My eyes must have bore holes into her. I didn't know what she was doing, but she did something that affected me greatly. I had no idea what kind of spell she casted on me, but it worked.
"You will definitely amaze Nel," she added without looking at me. I continued to stare at her though. Her words even did something to me. I was mesmerized.
"Ichigo?" I heard my name from the door. I turned quickly. I wiped my expression off my face. "Nel!" She looked at me with curiosity. "What's going on?" she asked approaching me.
I stepped toward her and smiled. "I planned a night for us. Here," I said holding out my elbow for her to grab. "Come with me," I smiled with sincerity. She giggled and did so. We passed Rukia who kept her head bowed, as if trying to pretend she wasn't there. She gave a slight smile to Nel as we passed, but tried to keep her face hidden. I led Nel up the stairs and looked back down only to see Rukia going out the front door. I frowned for a moment, but continued to my room.
I told her to wait outside my door. I wanted to light the candles first and pour the wine. When I was ready, I let her in. Her expression was exactly what I wanted. She gasped, covered her mouth with her hand, looked at me and threw her arms around me. I laughed. The night started to lead where I intended it to, but something was off with me. I was still suffering from whatever spell Rukia had put upon me. When Nel unbuttoned my shirt, it wasn't the same. I just kept seeing Rukia doing it. I even smelt lavender. I was losing my mind, clearly. My beautiful, wonderful girlfriend was seducing me and all I was thinking about was another woman; a woman that quite frankly had been torturous to my life. Explain that one.
I managed to block it out for the rest of the night. When we went to sleep, I didn't expect to dream about Rukia. Well, I kind of expected it because it had been happening all the time. But this dream was very different from the rest. In my dream, she was walking toward me… taking off her shirt. She pushed me backwards onto a bed and climbed onto me slowly. I was speechless. I didn't move. It was like I didn't know what to do. She smiled slightly, but the look in her eyes screamed, 'I'm going to devour you like Thanksgiving dinner.' I never saw this kind of Rukia before. She ran her hands down my chest before ripping open the black button down shirt I was wearing. Apparently, the patience in reality wasn't an attribute that dream-Rukia possessed. Her hands moved down my bare chest now. I remember thinking in my dream, 'What are you doing, Ichigo? You have a girlfriend!'
She slid herself up my body, straddling my waist. Leaning her head down to my ear, I felt her breath against my skin. "I'm never sure of what I want," she said surprisingly seductive. My breath hitched. When she sat back up, she stared at me again with that come hither look, and then bent down to touch my lips. Then, I woke up. I was breathing heavily. When I looked around my room, I noticed Nel curled up next to me. I felt dirty; like I cheated on her somehow. I tried to calm down as I stared at the ceiling. Why did I dream of that? Okay, yes, she is very attractive. And yes, we were very close at one time, but that wasn't now. I didn't have that kind of connection with her anymore. Why would I imagine having sex with her? It's not like I have feelings for her like that anymore. I sighed. Another annoyance.
"Looks like you had a good night last night," Renji commented slamming next to me on the couch.
"What?" I asked panicked. How did he know I had a dream about Rukia? Did I yell her name in my sleep?
"I saw the rose petals all over your floor when I passed your room. Candles too? Geez, you really wanted some, didn't you?" he joked.
I had completely forgotten about the actual events of that night. I just jumped to my potential sex dream when in fact, I actually did have sex that night; but not with Rukia. How did I forget about Nel? What was wrong with me?
"Hey, turn it up. I can't hear the announcers," he demanded as he took a handful of popcorn and threw back a beer.
I went for a walk that night. I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I walked into campus. It was quiet; peaceful. The weather was calm. There was a slight breeze, but it was comfortable. I made my way to the quad. I figured I'd sit on a bench there and take in my surroundings. I always went to the same bench. It was my thinking bench. I went there when I was having a hard time with Senna a few years ago; whenever I felt homesick; whenever I felt upset. It was the same bench I sat and stirred on the day before winter break; when I thought I was going to confront Rukia.
As I stepped onto the quad, it was empty. Except my wooden bench was already taken. Rukia sat there Indian style. Air caught in my chest at first. Then, I sighed and made my way over to her.
"It's kind of late to be sitting around alone in public," I chastised as I approached her. She looked up at me startled; apparently she was lost in thought.
After gaining control, she responded. "The only person that has ever come here at night and approached me is you."
My hands rested in my pockets. "And you aren't afraid that I might attack you?"
She scoffed. "It'd be about time."
I chose not to reply to that. Instead, I sat down beside her on the bench. "This is my bench, by the way." She gave me a look that said I was an idiot. I ignored it. It definitely was my bench. "What are you doing out here?"
She gave a chuckle. "I should be asking you the same question." There was silence between us. I don't really know why I started talking. Thinking about it now, it seems really stupid, but I guess I felt pressured to break the silence.
"You ever think about plums?"
"What?" she asked in disbelief.
"Plums. You know? The fruit."
"I know what plums are, Ichigo."
"You've had one then, right?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, the skin is always sour; tart. But the inside is complete different; well if you get a ripe one. It's sweet and tender. Oh! Like Sour Patch Kids! Maybe I should have used that as an example instead…"
"Ichigo," she pushed for me to get on to the point.
"The point is that- wait, a plum was a better example. Okay, let's go back to plums-"
"Ichigo!"
"Okay, okay! Plums grow. And they continue to do that. Their outside always has that harsh flavor, but the inside continues to get softer and sweeter. I kinda feel like you and I are a plum."
She started to laugh, "Excuse me?"
I smirked, "Just go with me here. I think we're a plum."
"Why can't we each be a plum?"
"Because we can't-"
"I'm my own person, ya know."
"Yes, but-"
"I have enough bitter sweetness for the both of us."
"Okay, but-"
"Plums aren't even that big to begin with."
"For this analogy we're both one plum!" I exclaimed. "Alright, alright," she commented as she took a deep breath and leaned back into the bench. "So, as I was saying," I began again with a slight glare sent her way. "Plums continue to grow. And we have continued to grow as people."
"Hence why we should each be a plum…" she said under her breath.
"And our relationship is plum-like," I said loudly and harsh to override her interruption. I sighed and calmed back down. I stared straight out into the empty quad. "Before it ripens, the skin is just as bitter as the inside. You don't notice the cringing difference. It's all the same. But as time goes on, the inside gets sweeter; juicier. You crave it. Your mouth waters over it. Everything inside is hidden by that bitter skin. I think… we ripened so well that the skin just seemed so unbearable to taste. The difference between the two was just too extreme for us to take."
A few seconds of silence passed. "But what about now?" I heard her ask softly from my side.
I smirked and turned back to her. "Our plum season ended awhile ago."
A sad expression filled her face. I knew what she felt. It was what I was feeling. We were past all of that. It hurt to hear it said out loud, despite the metaphor. We weren't one fruit anymore. She was right. We were separate. And that memory of how sweet we used to be, well, that continued to haunt us. I knew that.
"You left in a hurry last night," I commented finally.
I saw her back straighten. She didn't know I realized. "What were you watching me?" she said resentfully, but with a chuckle.
My face remained stoic; my eyes staring straight into her. "Yes. I was."
Her expression immediately changed. Air caught in her chest. She didn't know what to say. She pushed out, "Why?" in a vulnerable fashion.
"Why'd you leave?" I asked again quickly. She took in another large amount of air and then bowed her head.
"It's getting late," she said staring down at her lap.
I stared at her with my expression less confident. "It's gotten too late, hasn't it?"
She picked her head back up; eyes full of intensity. She knew what I meant. "Yeah," she breathed out. "I guess so."
I nodded before standing up. I turned to her with my hands in my pockets, my head tilted to the side and a slight smile on my lips. "Good night, Rukia."
"Good night," she whispered from her lips. And then I walked away. I left her there alone. It was different from what I would have done in the past. I would have berated her on dismissing the question. I would have made her give me an answer. And if anything, I wouldn't have left her alone. I would have stayed by her side. But everything changed. I changed. I'd say she changed too, but I didn't see the same person that everyone else saw when they looked at her. We were what we were. Time brought us to that place. Time can take it away from us; in either a bad way or good. In the past, I always had a war with time. As if I could change what happened. But it wasn't anyone's to control. All I know is that I unexpectedly walked away with a heavy heart that night. And I hated every ounce of it.
Hope it pleased!
