A/N: Okay, should I bump up the rating? There is some cussing and I don't want the lil' kids to be scarred haha. Leave me a review, a'ight?

Anyways, please enjoy and review!

Disclaimer: Bleach is Kubo Tite's. Believe me, I wish it was mine. *Tear*


Recap:

"Why the hell would Yamamoto prance around like a gay sparkly vampire while handing out presents? Ya sure your brain didn't get fried by some cero? Ya want Unohana to check up on ya?" Kenpachi's voice was dripping with annoyance.

"No, silly! I'll explain who Santa is…"

7. Kenpachi Zaraki

"A'ight. Ya got forty seconds before I go down to where ya are and smack yo' prissy bitch ass to Seireitei. Clear?"

"But captain…" Yumchika protested. He knew Kenpachi was deadly serious.

"Thirty-nine. Thirty-eight…Hey, Yachiru, what comes after thirty-eight?" Yumichika heard Yachiru chirpily say something in the background. "Uh, Thirty-six? Eh, close 'nuff. Now speak, you damn pansy."

"Okay!" Yumichika took a deep breath before speaking in a voice so quick, the words jumbled together. "Santa-is-a-human-magical-man-who-gives-presents-out-to-everyone-but-you-have-to-write-a-list-of-ten-things-and-give-it-to-Orihime."

Meanwhile, Kenpachi only heard the words 'presents,' 'ten things,' and 'Orihime.' He grunted. Whatever. "Yeah, yeah. I got it. Now shut up and go read Twibite or what's-it-called."

"Ohhhhh, you mean Twilight?" Yumichika grinned happily at the mention of the teen supernatural romance. "Edward and Bella are so meant to be, but fyi—the guy who plays Jacob is hot. I would totes go gay for him, captain."

Kenpachi shuddered. How did this pansy ass fairy get into his division? "Go to hell, Ayasegawa," he said as he slammed his Soul Pager on his desk, successfully breaking both the pager and the hardwood desk.

'Shit,' he thought. 'That was the tenth one this month.' Whatever. Not his problem. He would take the replacement costs out of Pansy-Ass Ayasegawa's salary.

Kenpachi turned his swivel chair towards an inconspicuously locked file cabinet. After glancing around to ensure there was no one in sight, not even Yachiru, he took a single silver key from a hidden drawer on the wall and unlocked it.

Inside the cabinet was—lo and behold—his secret Twilight stash.

Kenpachi loved Twilight above all else. But, after seeing Yumichika get ridiculed by a Ikkaku and Hisagi for liking the series, he decided to keep it to himself. Not even Yachiru knew. She would tell her precious Bya-kun and he'd be blackmailed forever by the devious sixth-division captain.

He gingerly lifted ten t-shirts with Bella and Edward's likeliness stamped on them, two New Moon posters, and copies of signed Eclipse and Breaking Dawn books to get to the Twilight stationary underneath.

The stationary had pictures scattered around its margins—there was Jacob in wolf form, an apple similar to that of Twilight's cover, and a picture of Alice running, the trees a blur as she flitted around them. There were also envelopes, pale yellow with a Twilight insignia stamped on the front.

Kenpachi gingerly grabbed a sheet of stationary and an envelope, as well as a Twilight pen, before locking up the rest of his TwiHard memorabilia and settling down to write.

To Santa.

Kenpachi wasn't especially poetic, and his writing wasn't gay-fag-style (or, as he liked to call it, Yumichika style), but he thought he was neat enough. And, as opposed to common belief, he didn't write everything like a ghetto punk. He prided himself on his correct grammar, as a matter of fact.

Okay, so here's the deal. You get me what I deserve for killing all those damned hollows, and I keep protecting the human world. We clear? Good. So here's my list.

1, I want the new Bella, Edward, and Jacob dolls. Whenever I'm in the human world, I always get followed around by the gay fag—I mean Ayasegawa. Or Ikkaku. It's fucking annoying, man.

2, A new set of ShinigamiSwords from that guy Urahara's place. They're the best to stab new foolish recruits with. And the blood doesn't stain, even better.

3, Eclipse on DVD. Same as number 1, I haven't had a chance to buy that shit yet.

4, While we're at it, get me Breaking Dawn part 1 on DVD too. Hasn't come out yet? Tough luck, better go get it.

5, Since most of this is found in the human world, you better get me a few pounds of that human candy Yachiru likes so much. That Hershey crap. It makes her hyper as fuck, and it's damn amusing to see her stumble around and beat up the recruits. Heck, maybe she'll even get to beating up that stupid Byakuya.

6, A new Soul Pager, yeah? Old man Yamamoto is gonna kill me for breaking another one. Which means I can't let him know I broke another one.

7, I was reading that ninja manga the other day. What's it called, Naruto? Those kunais look pretty damn deadly to me. Deadly is good. I want them. I don't care if you have to kill that Naruto fool or that dark haired brooding Uchiha to get some.

8, If you could get me an Ichigo punching bag, I'd sure be happy. Heh.

9, Some more SuperStiffShinigamiSoap. That stuff's first-rate. It's the only crap that lets my hair stay up, which is definitely good.

10, Ah, shit. What . If you could get Ayasegawa out of my hair for a few days, that'd be mighty good. Send him to some stupid girly spa or whatever. I don't give a flying fuck.

Okay, that's my list. You better get me every single thing. Especially 1, 3, and 4.

See ya around,

Kenpachi

Kenpachi grinned, satisfied, as he sealed the envelope with a sticker of the Cullen family.

He had just enough time to attach the envelope to a Hell Butterfly and send it off to Ichigo, along with instructions to give it to Orihime, before Yachiru burst into his office, a reluctant Byakuya in tow.

"Hiya, Ken!"

"Yachiru." Kenpachi greeted his bubbly vice-captain, ignoring the brooding captain behind her.

He hated that Yachiru and Byakuya were engaged. Sure Yachiru was now taller, more mature, and capable of making her own decisions. But why Kuchiki? He was such a laced-up tightwad. The sight of him made Kenpachi grit his teeth.

"Ken, what'cha doing?" Yachiru grinned, a lollipop sticking out of her mouth. There were about a dozen more in Byakuya's bulging pockets. Yachiru was a very high-maintenance woman.

Kenpachi grunted. "Wrote a letter to this Santa fella."

"Who's Santa? Is he the candy man?"

Byakuya sweat-dropped at the mention of candy. He loved Yachiru, but her adventurous rampages to discover a mythical candy man were ridiculous. Of course, just because he thought it was stupid didn't mean he didn't help his lovely fiancée on her journeys.

"You write a list of ten things you really want and mail it to Orihime. Then you'll get those presents delivered to you on the 25th." Kenpachi patiently explained.

Yachiru grinned, her eyes spinning. "Oh boy! Anything I want?" She grabbed Byakuya's hand. "Let's go! I have to write to Santa!"

Byakuya mentally facepalmed but obeyed Yachiru, and they shunpo'd off to the Kuchiki manor, leaving Kenpachi in well-deserved peace.


A/N: It wasn't TOO bad, right? I'm a bit rusty, this is my first update since October... I hope Kenpachi didn't sound too girly or too stereotypical. haha. Review, please!

I need ideas for Yachiru and Byakuya! And reviews ensure that they will be another chapter. :D

Thanks for reading!

~HauntedMoonlight~