February 1st, 2010

Dear Diary,

What a bizarre day today has been. Admittedly I was due something like this; since Heracles-san's fight with Sadiq-san, nothing interesting had happened. He recovered nicely, and thankfully none of his injuries were too bad. His personality changes so dramatically whenever the man is so much as mentioned that I'm very curious about their past. Still, it's not my place to pry. And this is me digressing, once again.

As for today. I was just having a day to myself today – it's not often I get one of those. It was something to mediocre; I was just going for a walk to clear my head. It was cool and breezy today, which made it perfect for something like that.

I was lost in my own thoughts, which for once did not revolve around my illness and all the costs. Just noticing things that I never took the time to notice before; the way the path purposely winds in and out of the trees so that you see every inch of the park, the way everyone has all come to this place for the same basic reason, yet barely anyone interacts with each other, and the way you just blend into the background. And I was asking myself the most ridiculous questions; why do squirrels have such fluffy tails? I was so busy noticing all the little things I did not notice the one big thing that I happened to walk right into. It was not a lamppost, but how I wished it was. No, it was Ivan-sama. I know he was always relatively normal (for him, anyway) around me, but that did not stop me from being completely terrified of him. In fact, apart from his sister, I could not think of a single person who was not scared of Ivan-sama. It was sad – he seemed so nice on the outside. I laughed awkwardly, something which Ivan-sama seemed to revel in. He was an incredibly strange man.
"Ano…Ivan-sama…how strange to see you here…" Yes, he knew I was scared of him. He did not seem to want to lose my fear anytime soon either. He smiled, and to the untrained eye one would think we were in the middle of a decent conversation. Sadly, that was not the case.
"I could ask you the same thing, comrade" It took a lot of self-control to not stutter every word I said. Even if he was being nice.
"Oh, I…eto…I was taking a walk…" Gaining a shred of confidence, I asked Ivan-sama why he was here. I have no idea why, but for some reason it felt like an achievement. Then again, it is not everyday you get at least two responses from that man that are not laced with emotional and/or physical attacks.
"Escaping Natalia. You understand, da?"
"Yes, of course I do" I tried not to laugh at the hidden severity of Ivan-sama's situation. Although he smiled and made it seem like nothing, Natalia-chan was a serial stalker. Why she is so intent on marrying her brother is a mystery to me, but nonetheless we all hear stories of Ivan-sama putting himself into very awkward situations just to make her lose him. One would think there was something wrong with their childhood, and that is understandable. Ivan-sama grew into someone who enjoys tormenting people so much that they all fear him, and Natalia-chan not only follows in her brother's footsteps, but wants to marry him and most likely bear his children. But the only flaw with that theory is their elder sister, who seems to be completely normal. They are indeed the strangest family I have ever met.

Needless to say I was not going to escape Ivan-sama as easily as I normally do. To be fair, I could have said I needed to go to the hospital, but I feared what would happen to me should he find out I lied. But after a while I was trying to get some a small piece of information out if him – why he was so interested in Aniki, to be specific. Strangely enough, Aniki's fear of Ivan-sama has been slowly melting away recently. They would be a very odd couple. Then again, I'm not one to talk. Heracles-san and I are admittedly two ends of the spectrum. But what eventually shocked me was not the fact that I should not rule out the possibility of something happening between Ivan-sama and Aniki; it was the fact that throughout my whole conversation with Ivan-sama, he had not once done anything traumatising in all possible aspects. I was not sure whether I should expect an attack or whether I should thank Kami that in Ivan-sama's attempt to wring me for information about Aniki and other things in general, he had forgotten to be scary. Somehow, I managed to do both. I glanced at my watch (whilst praying that he would not notice) and wondered where the past four hours had gone. And how on earth did I manage to walk around a park talking to Ivan-sama for four hours? I was getting tired, and spent the next half an hour searching for a valid excuse to leave. Finally, I settled with getting the expected psychological distress and just tell Ivan-sama the truth.
"Ivan-sama, forgive me. But I'm very tired now and I would like to go home." While my outer façade did an exceptional job at being normal, inside I was cowering and waiting for the inevitable.
"Ah, you feel ill, da? Go home comrade" That was it. That was the end of our conversation. I smiled and nodded and turned to leave, expecting something. Anything. But that something never appeared. For one whole day, Ivan-sama had been a decent person. I had to tell Arthur-san, he'd love to hear it.

And tell Arthur-san I did. I rested for a while when I returned home, but afterwards decided to call him before I forgot. Just as I had anticipated, he was disbelieving and found the idea of it hilarious.
"Seriously Kiku, you have to be joking. Ivan doesn't know the meaning of the word 'normal'!" Arthur-san laughed after about 5 minutes. I laughed with him. We laughed for nearly an hour about my strange run-in with Ivan-sama, until the conversation died down into a silence worn comfortable by time. Something had been bothering me for a while, and I felt as though Arthur-san was the only person I could talk to about it. Aniki is still to emotional about the cancer for him to hear this, and as much as I loved Heracles-san I did not want to upset him. I knew Arthur-san would be able to deal with it.
"Ano…Arthur-san…Dr. Roderich wants me to start treatment. As in…you know…"
"Chemotherapy?"
"No…the type of cancer I have is usually insensitive to chemotherapy. He wants to me to start radiotherapy instead" And then the silence that fell when I first broke the news fell once more. I could feel myself cracking – I knew it would all get too much for me one day. I just did not realise it would happen so soon.
"Arthur-san…I'm really scared." As if he had woken up, Arthur-san snapped back almost immediately.
"Hey, it'll be alright Kiku. This'll make you better, right?" Something salty ran into my mouth and only then did I realise I was crying. How awkward that must have been for my poor friend.
"A-Arthur-san…if I go on Wednesday and start the therapy…th-that means that this is real" I wished for someone else to be in the flat with me. Just anyone, I really did not care. Anything to beat away feeling alone. My group of friends did not have Ardenocarcinoma – I did. I was alone in this, no matter how much support I was given.
"Hey Kiku, it'll all be alright. The sooner you start this, the sooner the doctors can make it go away" I felt pathetic; each time I tried to talk I ended up choking on my own sobs. I just could not stop. Arthur-san must have been getting tired – it was very late.
"Kiku, listen to me. I know we can't be sure about what's going to happen, but let's think positive. All of us are going to, and trust me everything will work out. It always does for you." I smiled, slowly calming down. He was right, I did need to keep my head above the surface, because going under would lead to drowning. I was not going to give in; not just yet.
"Th-thank you, Arthur-san. I j-just needed to talk to someone…and you-"
"Don't worry about it, Kiku. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here. But I have to go – if I leave Alfred alone for too long he might die" I laughed and wished him a good night. At times like these, it's always good to have someone like Arthur-san as your best friend.

Life's getting very emotional right now. I suppose once I get into a routine and things stop being so scary I'll calm down. I think I might see Heracles-san tomorrow; I miss him. He's come back from Thessaloniki* so I should be able to. I should also apologise to Arthur-san tomorrow as well; my outburst must have brought his mood down quite a bit. To be honest, I'm just glad he's stopped blaming himself for this. It was never anyone's fault. But tomorrow's my last day of pretending the cancer growing in my lungs is not real, so I should go to sleep now so that I can enjoy it.

Kiku. xo

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AN: *Thessaloniki is a city in Greece, just in case you were wondering what I was talking about.

TT_TT I'm so sorry this took so long! Bloody Geography coursework is long, not to mention my English teacher demanding I get a specific copy of Lord of the Flies, and it's the one which no bookstore seems to sell. But this reminds me – school starts on Monday. Year 11, what fun. This means I might not update as often as I'd like, because lets face it GCSEs eat up your life. /rant

Awwww, poor Kiku. I know this chapter was lacking in Giripan but I had promised MisaTsumi that Ivan would get some love. And although I did mention it, there will be some RussiaxChina coming up for you. Also working on all the other requests you guys have. Oh and for anyone who's interested, the votes ruled in favour of PrussiaxCanada.

You know the drill, thanks for all those who review/favourite/whatever they want. Seriously, ilu guys :D and here's Pocky to prove it *gives*