You probably thought this plague of a fanfic was dead, right? Well, like the Bubonic Plague, it pops up every now and then. Like a boss. So, with a quick apology (more like a plead for merciful kindness for my year and a half absence), I resume the story of these three dumb-ass party boys and a convoluted bachelor party. Which is very obscene, when you compare it to the original work it was based off of. Which is owned by Stephanie Meyer.
CHAPTER SEVEN: 10:55 – 12:00 PM
Despite Edward's anxiousness to get laid, there was a small kink in their plan. A flat tire. And, of course, even after ten minutes of studying the truck's user manual, neither of them knew how to change a tire.
"It shouldn't be all that hard." Edward said, staring at the hubcap which was the size of a small deer. "We need a tire iron, right?"
Jasper looked around, shielding his eyes from the bright sun which bore down upon them. "So, uh… Where do we find one of those?"
"Well, Emmett should have one." Edward walked around and opened the door to the cab of the truck. "Hey Emmett— Oh for the love God, man!"
Emmett was laying across the seat with a porno magazine shielding his eyes from the world around him. "Wha–! Oh, you guys. What's up?"
"We need a tire iron." Edward stated matter-of-factly.
Emmett looked amused. "Tire iron? Why do you need that?"
Edward's expression darkened. "To change a flat tire with. Or to beat a moron in the head with."
Emmett waved his hand. "Nah, besides, I threw all that shit out when I installed the cooler behind the cab. Just use your hands, you bunch of pussies. You're vampires, after all. God."
"So… Do you want to help us?" Edward asked.
"Hmm…? Let's see? Do I want to help Ed and Jaz change a tire, or would I rather read about Kelly Kream and her collection of eatable thongs?"
He promptly went back to his dirty magazine.
After thirty minutes of toil, and using Jasper as a human (or vampiric) jack, Edward and Jasper reclined against the back of the truck.
"Man," Jasper panted. "How do people make a living doing this?"
Edward looked at his fingers, which became slight rough and a warm red color from turning all the nuts and bolts while removing the cap. "They have…machines… God damn it, I'll never make it to the wedding…"
Jasper spoke up. "You could make a run for it. You might make it in time…"
"But Emmett won't leave his damn truck alone," Edward pause to flip the bird to the direction of the truck's cab. "And if the groom shows up without the groomsman, then certain ladies will find you guys and know what we've been up to. Maybe I can…"
"Well, you boys look like you could use some help."
Edward and Jasper raised they're head up toward the source of the voice.
A pink convertible pulled in behind the truck, with three strawberry blonde girls riding along to upbeat pop music.
Jasper grinned and laughed. "Deus ex machina at its finest!"
"Long time no see, Edward." A beautiful woman in a bright tank top and tight, chic jeans jumped out of the car and took off her oversized sunglasses.
Edward's jaw dropped. "T– Tanya? What are you doing here?"
The Denali vampire wagged a finger back and forth. "Is that any way to greet a dear cousin?"
She clicked her tongue and smiled at Edward. "Girls, I think Jasper could use some help."
The two other similarly dressed ladies, Kate and Irina, giggled as they ran over to a dazed and awestruck Jasper and lead him over to the flat.
Edward struggled to find his vocabulary. "I… Tanya–"
Tanya slipped her hand in his. "Let's go for a ride."
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\
Storming (gracefully) around where the wedding was to take place, Alice's anger was kindled very hot today.
She should have saw this coming, even without finding all the lesbian bondage porn on Jasper's computer. After all, what good is super fortune telling powers (as Jasper called them when he got drunk) when all you saw was your husband fucking a bunch of bimbos.
She had watched Edward, Jasper, and Emmett all throughout the night. She had to admit at first some of the things they were doing were slightly amusing, thought childish. But when the night took a turn for the perverted, and she watched those dumb-asses do all kinds of disgusting things, she was sure what was going to happen to them when she got a hold of them.
They were going to bleed like the little bitches they were.
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\
Edward sat in the passenger seat of Tanya's convertible, looking as awkward as a pre-teen boy sitting next to a French model. The CD of Lady Gaga playing didn't help his self-esteem either.
"…Nice car…" Edward said, fiddling with his fingers.
"Shy Edward, just like always," Tanya smiled. "But let's not beat around the bush."
Oh God, Edward panicked. Is she going to—
Tanya pulled over to the side of the highway and looked at Edward with a deadly serious look. "I want you to leave that human and become my mate."
Oh, that's a relief— Wait, what!
"Tanya, I can't."
Tanya gripped his leg. "But Edward, can a human satisfy you like I can? Don't you remember all the fun times we had during the 60's and 70's. Wasn't I your 'Sexy little Succubus'?"
"Yes, you were—" Edward admitted.
"And what about that summer when Emmett, Rosalie, you and I camped out by the beach? Remember? Emmett brought that big bale of weed, we had that amazing sex listening—"
"To Pink Floyd. Yeah, I remember. God do I remember. But Tanya, that was more than thirty years ago. It was a blast then, but I've moved on."
Tanya's cell phone rang. Edward at first praised the divine intervening, but it turned out to be far more nefarious.
Tanya coldly handed the phone to Edward. "Jasper wants to talk to you."
Edward put the phone up to his ear. "Yeah?"
"Ed! I'm in trouble, man!" Jasper hollered over the heavy metal music in the background.
"Oh God. What is it?"
"Irina is a lot more feisty than I remember."
"Dude, for the last time, keep you fucking pants on!"
"Uh… It's kinda… past that mark…"
The hand holding the phone shook, a testament to how mad Edward was. "Put Emmet on now."
"He and Kate are up front driving… Actually, Kate is technically in front of Em right now. Use your imagination. Hey Irina, smile for the camera, babe."
Edward rolled his eyes. "Oh fuck me."
Jasper responded with a wild laugh. "Whoa, dude. That's actually what Kate's saying to Em right—"
Edward had heard enough. He turned off the phone and handed it to Tanya.
"Is something wrong?" Tanya asked.
"My whole life." Edward turned and looked outside at the cattle in a nearby pasture.
His eyes widened when he saw a figure running at his direction.
A short girl with dark, spunky hair and delicate features belying her terror inducing personality.
"Alice." Was all Edward could mutter.
"Oh shit." Tanya flung open the car door and tried to make a run for it.
But Alice had momentum. "Should have stayed in the car, bitch!"
A leg flew out from underneath Alice and planted itself into Tanya's stomach, promptly launching her into the grid of pine trees bordering the cow pasture.
Edward's mouth shot open in a horrified expression when he locked eyes with his sister.
Alice opened the passenger-side door, her normal pixie-like demeanor morphed into a demon's.
"Get in the driver's seat and drive to your fucking wedding. NOW!"
Edward could not have slid into the adjacent seat faster.
Alice sat down in the passenger's seat. She picked up Tanya's oversized sunglasses and eyed them. "These are a really expensive brand."
She snapped the glasses in two and flung them out the window.
Edward floored it. He must of at least been doing 110 mph. "Uh, what about Em and Jaz?"
Alice shot him a dark look. "What about them? Rosalie's handling those two jagoffs."
It was going to be a long drive.
