She's tired.

All of the time.

Every moment of every day.

It's the kind of tired that sleep won't take care of.

She pretends otherwise.


The water has long gone cold but Hinata can't seem to find it in herself to turn it off. She stands under the cool spray, with her forehead pressed against the tiles, watching the water swirl between her toes and circle down the drain.

She kind of feels like that right now.

Like she's circling the drain.

She hasn't felt like this in a long time.

She hears the front door and Naruto's voice calling her name. He's home from another (slightly longer) shift delivering pizzas. She just got home a short while before. Even if she's not Lead, the project is important and she wants it to go well.

So she works.

And then she comes home and takes care of Naruto.

She cleans up the discarded bags and cartons of snacks, the leftover ramen cups on the counter, and packs up the dirty laundry in the bathroom to wash on her lunch hour. She makes the bed (he hates making it- "What's the point, we're just going to mess it up again?") and sweeps the floors. She checks his medicines after she starts dinner-counting pills. Some are missing, but she's not sure if he's taken them, lost them, or flushed them.

She could ask.

Except she's afraid of the answer.

At night, she tries to sleep.

Even when she manages to it's like her worry can't shut off and every sound and shift and change bring her to semi-consciousness and alertness, so it's never rest. It's just...what it is.

"Hina?" Naruto calls again. He bangs on the door. "You drowning in there?"

Yes.


Naruto is pumped about his extra hours-small though they are-and he chatters animatedly about his customers-good tippers and tightwads-and anything he's seen that catches his eye.

His eyes are always going, so the list is sometimes long, but he looks happy and she loves the sound of his voice and he kisses her like she's his air and she loves him so damn much and she thinks...okay.

Okay.

We're going to be fine.

We're going to get through this.

Which, of course, is exactly when shit hits the proverbial fan.


"I wanna start kickboxing. Don't you think that'd be super dope. I saw a flyer for a gym a couple blocks away while I was delivering. Wouldn't that be sick?"

For a moment Hinata isn't sure if it's actually Naruto talking or the remnants of a restless dream, but she can feel the bed sort-of bouncing beneath her and it rouses her. She glances at the bedside table and the angry red numbers of her alarm clock. God, she's tired. "It's three in the morning," she tells him.

He ignores that fact, and continues. Too fast. Too loud. "Do you think we can afford it? I could get another job so I can do it. If you don't wanna pay for it that's okay. I'll figure it out. Then we can go to those midnight movies and you don't have to be so worried walking home because I could just like kick the fuck out of them. Wouldn't that be awesome?"

Even if she wanted to answer she couldn't. He's vibrating with energy and excitement and it's overwhelming. Even in her half-groggy state she can see his eyes and they are alive like he's high, and he's only getting higher. He's skyrocketing towards a place where she can't hope to reach him.

He's been climbing for awhile now, and he's not going to stop.

Not on his own.

She covers her eyes, using the pressure of her fingertips to staunch the tears forming there. The tightness in her own chest makes it hard to breathe, but she forces a deep inhale between her teeth before sitting up and pushing the blankets off.

He wraps an arm around her waist when she does and pulls her back against his chest, to kiss down her neck. She closes her eyes. She wants to lean back, into his touch. She wants to enjoy his warm breath against her pulse. She wants to let that hand around her middle wander higher.

She doesn't.

Instead she grabs his wrist in her own hand, halting his progress. She's smaller than him (by a lot) but she swings his arm away easily. She shoves to her feet. It's harder than it should be, That blanket of guilt she's been wearing for so long suddenly feels so much heavier.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to call your doctor."

She can almost hear his eye roll behind her.

In the living room she cradles her cell phone to her ear and fights to keep her voice steady. His doctor answers on the fourth ring, groggy and slightly irritated. Hinata doesn't feel much sympathy. She had told her that she was afraid this would happen with the switch. "Dr. Senju? Hi, yes this is Hinata Hyuuga. I'm Naruto Uzumaki's girlfriend."

When she speaks again, his doctor sounds more awake but not particularly less irritated. "Oh. I see. Is everything all right? Is something wrong?"

"Yes, no he's not okay. He hasn't been taking his medication and I think he's having an episode." Hinata starts explaining his behavior, trying to remain as clinical and unemotional as she can. It's hard, because she wants to demand, to cry, to yell. She wants Naruto to be better and that won't happen if she's a wreck. So she does her best to focus only on the facts. She lists them off: Erratic behavior. Anger. Irritability. Hyperactivity. Impulsivity. Recklessness.

"Yes, that definitely sounds like the Mania kicking in. How long?"

"Like this?" Hinata's brows pinch guiltily. "A while. I don't...I don't think he ever started his new medication."

"Let's just get him somewhere safe for tonight and I'll take a look at him in the morning, okay."

"Yeah." Hinata nods, even if the doctor can't see her. "Yes, okay." She hangs up. She grabs a duffle from the closet and starts packing. There's some items already in it (just in case) so it doesn't take long to get an overnight bag ready.

She grabs some yoga pants and one of Naruto's sweatshirts from the laundry basket still beside the couch and slips on her tennis shoes. She's a mismatched mess, but fashion is not foremost on her mind.

Naruto's on the floor, on his back, staring at the ceiling when she comes back in.

"I don't want to go."

His voice tears at her heart.

"It's okay." She keeps her tone soothing. Sincere.

"But I don't want to go," he insists.

"Naruto, this is the most dangerous time for you. You need to go. Please get up." She shifts her weight, holding out one hand. "Baby, I need you to go." She tells him. If he won't go for himself maybe he'll go for her. "Maybe the coffee shop will be open, in the lobby. We can get you one of those coffee cakes." She'll bribe him. Beg him.

"I'm sorry, I just don't wanna go. Hina, please. I'm sorry I woke you up. I'm sorry about the wall. I promise to listen-"

"I'm not punishing you." It's hard for her to talk. Her throat is tight and her chest aches. "I'm doing this for you. You need to go." She adds, quietly, "for me."

He does.

Not without some effort, but he's not fighting her-at least not physically. He could easily. The fact that he doesn't tells her that maybe he sees that he needs this too.

She hopes he sees it.

She keeps her hand on his arm the entire way to the car. She opens his door for him and waits, watching him buckle. She shuts the door softly. Her nerves are fried but she absolutely does not want him to think she is mad.

She's not mad.

She's terrified.

She hates the idea of him in the hospital more than he does.

Images of pale skin, and monitors, and a life nearly gone flash in her memory and she has to force it back and focus on now. Because now mattered.

Now wasn't too late.

She would never be "too late" for him again.

He watches from the passenger side as she loads his bags in the back. She gets in the driver's seat and insists on holding his hand. It's partly for her own comfort and partly because he can be really unpredictable when he's like this.

They're nearly at the hospital when he squeezes her fingers. "Hinata please don't make me go. Please don't leave me there. Please. Please I promise. I'll take my meds. I'll go to the gym. I - I - I don't need to do kickboxing. I'm sorry about yelling at you - and, and, and I'm so sorry for punching the wall. That was fucked up. I'm so sorry, don't make me go."

Oh, God. She returns his squeeze, fighting the tears that turn the streetlights into starbursts. "I'm not mad at you." Her voice cracks. This is so hard. "You need to go."

He's quiet when they pull into the parking lot but his grip on her tightens to the point of near pain.

She checks him in at emergency and they promise to transfer him from there.

She watches him from the corner of her eye as she fills out his information. He's playing with the hospital band around his wrist like she does with her bracelet. He looks at her and he looks betrayed and hurt and lost, but mostly he looks scared.

He doesn't want to be there. Clearly.

She doesn't want to leave him. Ever.

But she's starting to learn the difference between want and need.

"Hinata, please." He's still begging. Still trying to find a way out. Still looking at her to rescue him.

She's trying to.

"You'll be fine."

He shakes his head. "No, I won't."

"I'll be back after work, to come see you."

He looks like he wants to argue still, but a nurse comes to grab his paperwork. "We're ready to take you back." She tells him with a gentle smile. She glances at Hinata "We'll take good care of him."

Hinata nods.

She hopes they take better care of them than she has been.

She feels like she's failed him.

Naruto struggles a bit, turning away from the other nurse (male, larger) to say over his shoulder-near frantic: "Hey, hey, hey, make sure my girlfriend is on my chart. Make sure, cause we're not married, sometimes they don't let her back to visit. Please, make sure she's on the chart."

It only happened once, but it was enough to make it a not so secret fear of his that they'd be separated and she'd not be allowed to get to him.

The nurse nods, trying to lead him away.

"Hinata. Hinata! Make sure you're on the chart, okay? Hina, make sure you come back."

She nods because her voice won't work-can't work past the clog in her throat-the choking grief she's feeling. She gives him a little wave as the security doors close.

She makes it all the way back to the car before she starts sobbing. She presses her face into her hands and cries and cries.