Jakku. His shuttle descends on Niima Outpost. He lands a fair bit away, not trusting anyone here after drifting through Rey's memories. She'd spent 15 years here. Alone. Waiting. Hungry. His scavenger girl had been utterly abandoned and it makes him angry. Who could do such a thing to her, to this amazing, perfect creature? He shakes his head, frustrated with all the ways she's been failed. He's determined not to be one of them. He doesn't know how, but somehow he will find a way to be worthy.
She's meditating, quiet and peaceful. He lets the Bond lay quiet in the back of his mind; aware of her, but focused elsewhere. He walks down the ramp, the Jakku sun hitting him through his black clothes and dark mask. Maker, it's hot. He turns and cloaks the shuttle in the Force. Between that and the security controls, he's certain no one will scavenge his shuttle. He plans to stay in Niima, hoping to hear and observe more of what his Rey has lived. If his masked, First Order persona fails him he can always change into local garb and try again. He wants to try intimidation. It's where he's always started before. Well, since he's been Kylo Ren. He wonders when he started to think of himself as two people. Perhaps he is three … Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, and Rey's. He knows he will always be Rey's. The other two are negotiable.
He imagines what it must have been like for her to drag herself through baking behemoths, carcasses of wars long passed. He remembers her thinking about pulling herself through a section no one else had managed. Her size and desperation had brought her further than anyone else had ever achieved. She'd broken through the lower deck to find a control room with long dead corpses. Bones bleached with time, floors stained with blood. She'd been horrified by the sight. It was easy to forget that each of those massive ships had once had crews. It was in pristine condition; the components fresh for the taking. She'd eaten for a month from that scavenge. Even managed a bath. He will wrap her in luxury – she will never want for anything ever again. She doesn't care about that, floats through his mind, and he brushes it aside. If he can't give her material security … He knows he hasn't discovered the key to her heart. Not yet … but he will.
His time on this backwards, backwater planet will help him understand her. Give him the tools he needs. He strides through the sands, coming across the settlement that passes for civilization. Niima. He walks along the main promenade, junkers and their wares set out for perusal. Everything has a fine sheen of dust and all of the items are on their third or thirtieth owner. There is a gathering of old women around the well, watering some form of livestock. They could be 50 or 80, life is so hard here. One of them looks straight at him and he's left with the unsettling impression that she can see right through his helmet. He stalks over to her and barks, "I'm seeking the scavenger Rey." He knows, of course, that she's nowhere near here, but he has a story he must follow.
The old woman who shows no fear and looks up into his intimidating mask and says. "Nine portions." He has coin, but no portions.
"Five credits." he purrs.
She looks taken aback by this. "What would I do with credits here? Look around you, boy." He's not accustomed to this fearless dismissal. It makes his temper flare.
"I am no boy and you're lucky I don't just take what I want, old woman." He's determined to do this as Rey would wish it, as these are her people, but even he has his limits.
"Ach, you're a boy to me, a boy seeking a girl it would seem." She lets out a filthy cackle. It hits too close to home and he's out of patience.
"Is there anywhere on this forsaken junkyard of a planet that does take credits?" He growls.
"Unkar Plutt; he'll deal with the likes of you." She gestures towards a large tent. "Come back when you have portions." She turns her back to him and returns to the clutch of women. She leaves him standing there, looking the fool. He feels the weight of the hilt of his saber, but turns on his heel and stomps towards the indicated tent.
Plutt … he had wanted to visit with this man. This man with unsavory designs on his Rey. He regards the large, unkempt tent, taking it in. It's dirty, with many patches. There is a rough storefront where scavengers trade the fruits of their endless labor. Ren sees a large, shapeless, fleshy man-like individual behind the counter. This must be Unkar Plutt. It doesn't take Ren long to make his way across the pavilion. There are a few scavengers waiting in line to trade their wares. He stands to the side, observing.
A middle-aged man drags a rough burlap bag up to the counter and heaves it up, tipping the contents across the surface. A dozen large cylinders tumble out and Plutt looks down at them with disdain.
"One eighth portion per piece." He sneers down at the man. Plutt clearly enjoys the power he holds over the hapless scavenger. "One and a half portions total."
"But these were a quarter portion last week! My family needs to eat! You can't just do this to us!" He's furious and his cheeks are hollow. He looks like it's been a long time since he's had a good meal. Kylo Ren is disturbed by the fact this bothers him as much as it does. He is accustomed to wielding fear and power like a weapon but this blatant act of dominance sickens him. Unfortunately, he needs Plutt to be amenable to him. Plutt has information he wants and he's determined to take it without force. The Force is another matter. As far as he's found, Plutt knows more about Rey than anyone else on this dusty rock.
Ren strides up and swipes the scrap from the counter and growls "I have actual business to do with you, so I suggest you stop wasting your time on such rabble."
Plutt pulls his head back, looking Ren up and down. He seems unimpressed. "And who are you?" Ren wants very much to take his head. Or perhaps just his hands. Hands that want to touch his precious girl.
"You have something I want; I have the credits to pay." Plutt smells wealth and it is obvious to Kylo when his attitude changes.
"Credits, hmm? It'll cost you. Your ship broke down and now you need a new hyperdrive? Need a place to stay for the night? Looking for … companionship?" He leers at the dark man.
"I shudder to imagine what companionship on this hell hole would entail. No, I seek information and in order to gain that information I will need a room and the local currency – portions, I believe? I am prepared to be generous." He sifts through the unpleasant man's thoughts.
-I'll take him for everything he's got.- -wonder what's under that mask, stupid thing to wear in the desert.- -I'll charge him double, he'll never know-
Ren pulls away from his mind, unsurprised by what he finds there. He isn't ready to reveal his quest to this quivering blob of flesh just yet.
"Illun Kark, he'll look after ye, he manages the inn and cantina. You'll find it across the pavilion; the big building with the dark roof." He seems oddly smug. Ren dips again … -get him coming and going, charge him for getting him the room and Kark'll kick back- …Kylo wants very much to handle this the way he used to. If he had a battalion of Stormtroopers he would just round up the settlement and interrogate them one at a time until he has everything he needs. It's so tempting. But he feels her through the Bond and knows he can't, knows if he's ever to have her … She won't easily forgive what he's already done, he's almost certain of it. But if she hears he's eradicated her erstwhile home … No, he must handle this with finesse.
"Money is no object, simply provide me with a room and 300 portions." Plutt's eyes bulge out of his head despite himself. He's very satisfied with how this day is progressing. Kylo Ren counts out the required sum and follows Plutt's directions to the inn.
He pulls the beaded curtain to the side and ducks his head to enter the fetid inn – if it can even be called that. The first floor holds the cantina and there are small rooms above. It is the afternoon so it is quiet, everyone still out seeking their daily bread. He wonders if Rey had ever been in here. He finds he hopes not. It is a vile, dark place. His girl has no business in a place like this. He realizes that Kark is talking.
"The bath is available for an hour after sunset, first come first serve. Two portions. Clean linens, one portion, room itself is eight." Ren reaches into his pack and counts out the payment. He doesn't mention that he's already paid Plutt. "Dinner's two hours after sunset; don't be late if you want to eat." With that, Kark closes the door on Ren and the dingy room. Ren looks around and is again swept by the desolate feeling of how Rey had lived. Everything about this place is struggle and pain. He is beginning to understand why she is so angry with him. He has never considered how much he had as a child. His privileged upbringing had been a stone around his neck, but now he wonders. Though he felt abandoned by his frequently absent parents there was always someone to care for him who loved him. His sense of abandonment pales into insignificance when he holds it up to the emptiness of Rey's life. It suddenly seems impossibly petty, his feelings of being ignored. Ignored? He was lavished with attention and love when he uses this new measurement blooming in his head. He finds he is ashamed. He sits on what passes for a bed and focuses on Rey.
She is walking through the base again.
Her droids follow her like a little flock of ducklings, chattering and beeping along behind her. She doesn't notice the bemused expressions of her fellow resistance fighters; not seeing the shaking heads and hidden smiles. Oh how he lo– treasures his beautiful, singular girl. There is no one like her in all of the galaxy. She is unique, and she is infinitely precious to him. He is entirely hers and he will never stop being so.
A small, square droid waddles up to Rey, bending its head to her. She affixes its antenna back into place and it ambles away, happy. She smiles and continues to the dining hall, oblivious of the attention her little droid family brings. He's not sure how much longer he can stay away from her. What can he do to win her heart? He knows that she no longer despises him, but that's still a long distance to go. He can't imagine that they won't be happy, if she'll only let him try. She's everything he's ever wanted; the Force wouldn't be so cruel, would it? To give him his perfect match and have her shun him? He knows he could live forever on her light, but he wants so much more.
He stretches out on the bed, trying not to think too much about who has lain here before, and what sorts of activities might have transpired. He closes his eyes and drifts in her. She's still amazed by the sheer amount of food that's available to her, three times a day, every single day. Kylo is filled with shame at all the things he's never considered before; that he simply took as his due. He'd never thought of himself as pampered or spoiled but he sees now that he has been. His suffering was a choice. How much of his anguish has he picked up and strapped onto himself? He considers the room he's rented, realizes that this would have been unimaginable for her. That he so thoughtlessly slept in a bed, ate his meals, and took his baths without ever thinking about a life without such necessities. His bare minimum was so far beyond what Rey could have even fathomed. At least she's stopped sleeping on the floor. His heart breaks for her for the thousandth time. He thought he knew hate, but he finds he hates whomever abandoned her with a ferocity he's rarely known. Couldn't they see the glory of her as they left her crying out for them?
He looks around the room, thinking hard about this planet and his little girl lost. How could her family just leave her here? Perhaps … what if he found them? Would she give him a chance then? He's already here; it couldn't hurt to find out what he could. Decision made, he heads out to begin to understand Rey.
~KR~
He starts with the old woman by the well. She knows something, he's sure of it.
She's no longer by the well so he walks amongst the stalls, pretending he has interest in their shoddy wares. He stops at a clothing stall and thinks perhaps he should prepare for blending in with the local populace. He's not terribly thrilled at the prospect of going forth in these rags with his face naked but he's already half defected from the First Order, so lost is he in Rey. This is just one more step down his new path. The path that ends with her.
He finds the least stained and ragged pieces he can and pays the strange being with blue fur and wicked black claws. He doesn't bother to haggle, just pays the price. The proprietor seems shocked by the ease of the transaction with this large, ferocious figure. Kylo barely takes note, scanning for the old woman.
At last he sees her, sitting behind a table with bottles and jars of oils and other unguents. Local medicines, he presumes. He walks quickly to her and silently hands out nine portions.
"The scavenger Rey," he barks.
"She's gone." The old woman says serenely.
"I am aware of that. Tell me when she came, why she left. Anything you know of her."
"She was on odd thing. Kept to herself once she was old enough. Grew up with some of the local children. Plutt made sure she didn't starve; not sure why. Not in his character. She lived in an old AT-AT across Qivlan Ridge. Made herself a nice little speeder, she did. Smart as a whip, but always sad."
Kylo takes it all in, eager for each new crumb of Rey.
"And?" He prods.
"And what?"
"She lived here for 15 years, you must know more." He must find out all he can.
"What else is there to say? She was left here, she struggled, she survived. She didn't like other people, she was hard to know."
"Who left her here?" He's hoping for more, leads he can follow.
"Ach, well that I can tell you about. I was here when she was left. Beautiful ship she came on, nicer than we usually see around here. A man left her – human. Likely her father."
"Did he have a name, or anything descriptive about him?" He's feeling closer now. Rey has no memory of who left her here. She just believes it was her family.
"He was around 35 standard years, I'd say; not tall, blond hair if I remember correctly. It's been a long time, you understand."
"Hmm," is all he says. "Anything else you can remember?"
"She always loved the stories. Normally she wouldn't join us, but when the storytellers came through she'd push her way to inner circle of the fire ring and listen until the last of us had gone off to bed. She loved stories about the Jedi the most. Hopeful thing, you could say. Now, I'm busy, you've had your information. Off with ye." She turns away and he knows he's dismissed.
~KR~
The cantina is now pulsing with life, a trio of local musicians playing discordant melodies on makeshift instruments. There is a frantic energy, born of the need to escape the pain of daily existence. Portions spent on alcohol to forget, portions needed to stave of hunger, but sometimes oblivion is dearer than food. Changed into his local garb, his mask upstairs, Kylo finds a place at the bar and prepares to listen.
Kylo gestures to the man behind the bar. He has no intention of imbibing, but he'll order a drink, and keep ordering drinks just to listen. "I'll have whatever the locals drink."
The man puts a cloudy brown drink in front of him "One half portion." Kylo leaves three on the bar. The barkeep looks up in confusion and Kylo inclines his head to confirm his intention.
Ren sits for a long time, all manner of life streaming around him. He listens and skims their minds, seeking anything. He buys another drink, the first untouched. Time passes.
He's been there for hours, his search fruitless, when he senses someone's attention on him.
"Hello, stranger," a barely clothed woman brushes up against him. He recoils before he remembers himself. "You seem lonely," she says.
"I'm simply passing through." He hopes Rey never had cause to know this … person.
"Well, then, you should make sure to sample all that Niima has to offer." She strokes his thigh. He growls. She smiles, misunderstanding. "You are quite a man, aren't you? I don't believe you're alone many nights." He doesn't like to think about that anymore. He'd never known … never imagined how he would come to regret those times of utterly meaningless release. He wishes he could bring himself to Rey unsullied.
"I find I am quite at peace alone; I've no wish to waste your time." She frowns a little, calculating the time to seduce this well-to-do stranger.
"Oh, come now, a big man like you must have … needs." She drapes herself along him grotesquely. Kylo is repulsed. He considers, though, that professional women often know far more than anyone about the goings on in a small town. Pleasure loosens the tongue.
"Perhaps you can help me." He turns toward her, giving her his attention. "I'm seeking a young woman-"
"Well you've found one," she interrupts him, looking coy.
"A specific young woman, a scavenger named Rey. She would be 20 standard years now." The woman deflates.
"Oh, her. She disappeared almost a year ago. As far as I know she was only available occasionally." His chest tightens. Available? Had she been so desperate? Oh Force no, not his glorious girl, please no. The thought of her so in need … he can't bare it. "But I'm availablenow …" she says suggestively.
"When you say available, do you mean to say she was … in your line of work?"
"Oh, no, she was too good for it most of the time; wouldn't lower herself. But when times were lean …" He's on the verge of losing control, demanding to know who has touched her; taken her. He will kill them all. Those who would dare touch what is his. But he stops himself and lifts his hand, entering her mind.
-that upstart little trollop, thought she was better than all of us, letting herself starve instead of selling what's between her legs. Why if Mama Gitah hadn't taken pity on the little sand rat she'd be on her back like the rest of us- Kylo's relief is palpable. The thought of her having to give that part of herself unwillingly … it makes him feel physically ill. He considers the woman and realizes she wouldn't be here, trying to entice him if she wasn't also desperate. How easily this could have been his scavenger girl.
"Here," he says roughly, handing her 100 portions. Her eyebrows shoot up in confusion.
"That would buy you the week, two weeks. For that I'll even kiss you." She grabs him through his trousers.
He takes her hand away gently and says softly, "No, I want nothing from you. Thank you for the information. Take them, please." He thinks of Rey, of how she might have become this woman and he's filled with that now-familiar shame. He thinks of the women Snoke bought, encouraging the Knights to fulfill their base desires, and wonders if any of them wanted to be there. Grateful he stopped all of that years ago. He's never touched Rey and now he wonders if he'll ever be clean enough. He starts towards the stairs, his mind in tumult.
The woman before him changes entirely. She suddenly seems younger; vulnerable. "Wait, please."
He stops, then sits back down.
"What I said, about Rey, it wasn't true. She never … she was never in my line of work." She seems smaller now, all her fake confidence gone. "I don't know why I said that. I suppose I was angry – angry that she never had to … had to do what so many of us do. She always seemed to have a special sort of luck. When things got really hard she'd always find just one more bit of scrap to keep her alive. I … we grew up together. Mama Gitah always had a soft spot for her, took her in when that bastard Poln-" He's instantly on alert at that name.
"Poln?" He nearly barks at her. Oh he wants to know more about Poln.
"Yeah, Adric Poln, nasty piece of work. He beat her, stole her scavenge. He wanted her, thought if she couldn't work that she'd … well, you know."
"Where's Poln now?" Kylo asks with suppressed fury.
"He's probably at the comfort tent by now – why?" She suddenly seems wary, realizing she's shared too much with this compelling stranger.
"He and I have a score to settle." He keeps his voice flat.
"You … you care for Rey, don't you?" She seems hopeful, wanting at least someone to have found a better life.
Kylo hesitates. He doesn't know who will follow him, if he's bringing her danger by speaking with her. But his need to know Rey supersedes everything and this woman knows things; knows people who know Rey's history.
"Yes. Very much."
"Is she alright? No one knew what happened to her. Plutt threatened to put a bounty on her if she ever came back. You can't let her come back here. It's not safe."
"She's safe. She'll always be safe, now," he says with low intensity.
She nods and looks away. "Why are you here? Why aren't you with her? You could ask her any of this."
"I'm looking for her family." He suddenly knows that this is the real reason he's come here. Not to evade Snoke, not to learn more of Rey, but because this is what she needs. If he has any hope of filling her loneliness he must do this for her. Not to win her, not to woo her, but because Rey needs this.
"She was always desperate for her family. It's all she ever talked about."
"I know." And somehow he does. "You mentioned a woman named Gitah, might she have been here when Rey was left?"
"She's been here forever, she might know something." She pauses. "I could take you to her?"
"Tomorrow. Rest tonight." He doesn't want to draw attention to her profession but he wants her to have this time free of the grasping needs of others. Oh Rey, how you're changing me.
"What's your name?" Kylo says gently.
"Sarain, but most people just call me Sai." She looks surprised to have answered him. She says quickly, "Tomorrow, then. I'll meet you at the well at the high sun."
~KR~
Kylo's mind is full of the revelations of the day. He knows where Poln can be found. He will meet Gitah tomorrow, to untangle more of Rey's mysterious history. Sai … the shadow of Rey. What would he have done if he'd found that his beautiful girl had been forced to sell herself to survive? He cannot even fathom the pain. He thinks of how he's never understood himself; never seen everything he's been given. Never known that he was given everything – everything – and his darling girl had nothing and yet she still flew higher and more spectacularly than he could even dare. But instead of turning to his familiar misery, his well-trod halls of hatred and self-pity, he seeks her – her light.
She's walking in the forest. Her droids following along behind her. She's touching every plant, smelling every flower. She stops and looks up, up, up into the canopy. She puts her arms out and spins. She feels the sun, dappled through the dense forest, her fingers curling around the spots of sunlight. She comes across a clearing and takes off her boots, flexing her toes in the soft, sweet grass. "Rey …" he whispers.
She stops and turns. "Ben?" What? No, he can't have let that through. He knows he's been careful. She sighs. He feels the danger pass.
He wants to be there with her. To feel the sunlight on his skin. To catch her small hands in his, rub circles on her back. He wants – oh, how he wants.
~KR~
Thank you to my marvelous beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She's the best and this would be much more of a mess without her.
Please review, it makes me jump up and down and behave in a very un-ladylike manner.
