A/N: Holy Wow…this one got crazy long, crazy fast. I didn't even realize. My fingers kept going and I decided not to separate this into two chapters. It needs to stay together to keep its intensity. It's a gradual descent…from bad to worse. These are the beginning stages of their college experience. It's the beginning of the freak out…but it's not the end. She's still confused, but she won't be for long. Not after this chapter. It's the last chance before it all is gone… before she's too far gone…
Personally, I love writing them both. Damon is just Damon and Elena...while she's doing it to herself...there's something so tragic behind her mindset.
There is a lot of stuff here. Some of it's heavy, some of it is light. Unfortunately, the heavy stuff has to outweigh the light for the time being. They were in a bad place back then, but watch for the baby steps in the present scenes. They make all the pain worthwhile.
I've seperated some of the past scenes by lines, too. The first and last scenes are present, but the meat and potatoes of this one is the past.
Thank you so much.
Somebody I Used To Know
Chapter 6
"Did you bring the mail in today?" Damon asked, chomping on a carrot stick. He'd just finished putting away a new shipment of books they'd received yesterday. Several old books were swapped out for new ones with brighter colors and thicker, more durable bindings. He had plans for their bookstore. Big plans.
"Expecting something?" She raised her eyebrows and handed him the pile.
"Absolutely. I know it'll come…it's just a matter of when." He smiled.
A month ago his confidence would've come off as cocky, but now… she smiled softly at the little arch his eyebrows made. He looked like a kid in a candy store. There were definitely gears turning in his handsome head…
His confidence often fell to the wayside when he looked at her. Some days her eyes were pretty and strong and understanding. And other days he still saw the hollow Elena. Which would it be that day…when he'd share his dreams with her? He had to take a chance.
"I've been thinking. We need a niche. We need something that will really set us apart from the big chains. It'll give us staying power…" he sorted through the stack, tossing aside the junk mail.
"We're doing pretty well as it is. Making changes might not be the best idea," she changed out the display of books in the big picture display window. "This place has always been amazing this way. Do you remember how our Dad's brought it up from the ground? Those first few months were rough…but then suddenly, it just picked up. I'm afraid of what will happen if we do anything to change what they worked so hard to create. The locals love it here."
"It worked for them. But what are we the best at? You and I…we're different than they were, Elena. When you think back to our biggest successes since we've taken over…what have they all centered around?" He let her think for a moment but was too excited about his idea and just blurted it out.
"Okay, time's up," he licked his lips. "Kids, Elena. We are so good with kids. I love reading to them and I've seen how you are with helping them choose books. You are so…" he stopped. He couldn't find the words to describe it without making her uncomfortable. "What if we turn this place into just a kid's book store? What if we only had to focus our energy and time on what we love and got rid of the whole lot of inventory that's dead weight…We could get rid of all these boring, old books that no one touches and make room for really, really good kid's books. We could bring in new authors and get them exposure…"
He was smiling so brightly…how could she say no to this? She couldn't. He was right. It was a brilliant idea.
When she nodded, he felt a little more relaxed, but he carried on, telling her his ideas. He needed to share his dreams with her. He'd waited so long…and she was there…listening.
He was so excited, so certain… it was almost hypnotizing, she thought. He hadn't looked that happy in years…not since they were kids.
He took a deep breath and continued. "You're right. Our Dad's made something of this place. Let's make something more of it. You know we can…I know we can. If we try, if we actually work together and don't let all that other stupid stuff ruin this…this could be amazing." It was a great opportunity and it was a great service to the community.
"We could have authors come in to do story reads…and we could set up real reading circles…scheduled ones. Someone could work with kids that struggle with reading…maybe even you. I've seen you with them, Lena…you have no idea how amazing you are with them…" His eyes were practically melting and her stomach was doing somersaults at how absolutely adorbable it was. For a moment, she felt like she really was home.
That thought didn't really scare her. Maybe it should've. She hadn't felt that fuzzy around him since they were teens. But it felt nice and warm and safe. She'd tell herself not to overthink it. Overanalyzing had always gotten her in trouble. So she'd let it be and listen.
He inhaled wildly. "Elena, say something," he was nervous. He thought she was going to say it was a bad idea. He was banking on that disinterested eye roll…that smarmy 'ppft' sound she always made before she implied something was stupid. But it never came.
"You've thought a lot about this…" she smiled proudly. "It's sweet, Damon."
He hadn't realized she'd complimented him. He was too busy worrying…so he kept pushing his points, willing her to understand…
"We need to solidify this business… so our kids can have this place, too, one day" he continued with the fire he'd started with… but then he froze as soon as the words snuck out of his lips. He worried how she would take what he'd said. He hadn't necessarily meant their kids together…but he hadn't not meant it, either. In some of his most wild, far-fetched dreams there were little blue eyed Elena's running around that book store.
"I didn't mean our," he motioned between them, "kids…" he sighed. "It was just a general statement that came out wrong and…"
"I get it," she nodded, holding in a smile at his awkwardness. She knew what he meant and she didn't need to turn it into a fight or another misunderstanding. She didn't want to fight with him anymore. The past month had really been settling.
"You can stop trying so hard to convince me. I love your ideas, Damon. You're a planner…it's…" she sighed. "It's good." she smiled sweetly. "This is very assertive of you. You really care about this place…they would be proud. I'm proud."
She was? Had she really just been proactively nice to him? He blinked a few times to make sure she was real.
"I love this place. I always have. But now I think I love it even more. Now that it's ours," he admitted. The words echoed in her ears…cementing something inside. Something she couldn't quite understand. It was something like comfort.
He'd been absentmindedly flipping through the mail as he was laying his hopes and dreams out on the counter to her. But when his eyes caught on a thick, pink envelope, he smiled.
"Here it is!" He waved it in front of her. She grabbed it out of his hands to read the script lettering on the front.
"Hey, that's mine," he swiped at it but she held it away from him.
"It says "Elena Gilbert and Damon Salvatore" my name's first. It's mine too." She teased. It had been a really long time since she'd teased him. But it had been a long time since he'd encouraged her to.
"It's only polite to put the ladies' name first, duh," he winked. "But go ahead. I'll let you open it. I already know what it is anyway."
"Elena Gilbert and Damon Salvatore are cordially invited to the Mystic Falls Small Business Dinner, Saturday, January 24th at 7 p.m.'" her eyes widened as she continued reading. "Owners will have the opportunity to promote new services and interact with other local owners to ensure the best for the community….' Damon what is this?"
"I went to a council meeting last week when I got the idea. I wanted them to know we aren't just in it for the money." he explained. "I proposed my plan and members of the community loved it…" He swallowed. "Since we're the owners no one has to vote on anything…I just wanted to give us some exposure, you know? I want to help the community. One of the locals, Mrs. Flowers, is in charge of organizing all those fancy schmanchy parties they have in town. She practically begged me to go. I told her to send an invitation and that we'd see…" he waggled his eyebrows. "This is going to be so good..."
"Wow…" she licked her lips, letting her eyes roam over the scripty text again. She found it disturbingly sexy that he'd gone to this trouble… "I'm…" Her voice didn't even fluctuate once. He was left to wonder if she was impressed or upset that he'd gone ahead and done this without telling her.
"I probably should've discussed it with you before I went crazy. But I got the idea and I couldn't stop thinking about it…" he admitted. "Are you mad? This business is half yours…"
"No," she half smiled. "You have a great idea and you should be proud and take the credit for it. "You've always known what you did and didn't want." She said simply. The words somewhat sliced into him. He knew there was a bigger meaning behind them, but she didn't seem to be being mean on purpose.
"So…this dinner thing…" he started…
"I think we should go. Absolutely," she tucked it back into its thick envelope.
"Maybe you could bring Elijah…." He said, swallowing. Elena's eyebrows folded. He sounded almost sad about it. He hadn't asked her about Elijah even once since he'd heard her on the phone. But he hadn't forgotten, obviously. "And I could scrounge up a date somewhere…some old local lady or something…" his lips fell lopsided. "I'll just turn up the old Salvatore charm and…"
"Elijah will be gone by then. He's only visiting for a week. And he's got things to do while he's out here, anyway," she was staying vague. She wanted to see if he would ask. She didn't want to play games, but lately she was getting weird vibes from Damon. She wasn't sure what his intentions were, exactly. At first he said he just wanted them to get along. But then he'd go and sound the tiniest bit jealous about something, every once in a while.
Elena had a lot of soul searching to do. Years ago, she'd told him that she'd never love him more or any less than she did in that moment. She'd said a lot of things the night she'd lost him.
Her heart had been completely torn in two. She was eighteen years old and it was the first time she'd really felt pain. She had lived a relatively peaceful, easy life. She hadn't lost anyone back then. She'd never been to a funeral, never felt that sick and empty void in the pit of her stomach.
And suddenly, she went from never feeling it to always feeling it. It consumed her so entirely that soon she couldn't remember feeling any other way. She remembered loving him…but it didn't feel good anymore. Before, when they'd been happy, it was the greatest thing in the world. But then, in the blink of an eye, it had changed. The idea of feeling that deeply again for someone completely terrified her. She never wanted to be in love again. Love was for fools and for the dreamers. Maybe it worked for some people, but it would never work for her again. But it didn't change the fact that she was just so lonely….
Secretly, she'd wished it had all just been called off. If there had been no wedding…maybe they could've just seen this as a roadblock. It all could've just been a terrible mistake that they'd fixed before the damage was finalized. Her heart was hanging on by a thread…but she would've still taken him back the second he said the word.
But there was a wedding. It was quick and informal and she wasn't there for it. They'd gone to a Justice of the Peace. Damon had been there, and although Miranda wished Elena would've been her witness, she had to call her own sister to do the job. Her daughter had no interest in celebrating.
Her Mom had a new last name…and that meant she'd never become Elena Salvatore. She'd never get that honor.
It would be an honor…even her pieced together heart knew that.
It was easy to pretend that she hated Damon. But she never actually did. She hated what he made her feel, and despised the fact that she couldn't help but feel it. She didn't know how to deal with the constant hurt. Every time she saw him she was reminded of how he just didn't want her. She dropped her shifts at the bookstore and they were forced to hire another worker to replace her hours. Damon, however, worked at that bookstore until the day they left for college.
Going to New York University was going to be Elena's escape. She needed to get out of Mystic Falls. She couldn't stay there forever…that life that place was not her future. Damon might be going to NYU, too, but New York City was big. They didn't need to have anything to do with one another.
"Got everything, baby doll?" John asked, sighing. He and Elena had been living by themselves for a while. Miranda moved out as soon as Elena and Damon found out about the affair.
It had put a great strain on the business. The animosity between men who were once as close as brothers was thick and torturous. John had always known Miranda was unfaithful…but the fact that it had been with Giuseppe had almost been enough to make him sell his share of the business. Years later, when he'd try…he'd never get the chance.
He'd held onto it out of pure principle. Giuseppe had already stolen his wife. He wasn't about to get the whole business, too. They were smart men. They could operate that place on separate days…it didn't have to be about who'd gotten the girl…
But now Elena was about to leave. Things were easier when she was around. They'd made a little life together, even with as hollow she'd become. She didn't laugh much, didn't smile anywhere even close to as often as she used to…but she was there, with him. She still loved him. She still supported him. And she couldn't see the parallels of it all back then…but her family did mean something. He picked his Dad…but she hadn't just walked away from hers. It was different, yes. Her dad wasn't the adulterer in this situation. But as far as she was concerned, they would never really be a family again. It might be one of her biggest regrets…dismissing how strong their bond could've been if she'd just have let it…
"Yeah, I'm set to go," she wrapped her arms around him loosely. She couldn't get out of there fast enough…
"I'm going to say this because I need to…but I already know what you're going to say. I don't think you should drive up alone. Why don't you ride up with Damon? I can bring your car up sometime and fly home."
"Are you kidding me?" she laughed. "I can't be in the car with him for that amount of time. Dad, no. I'm driving myself. I'll be fine. I don't need him to help me."
"Damon didn't cheat, Elena. He's not the one to be angry with,"
"Mom left us…Damon left me, Dad. I know I'm young and we weren't married and it doesn't even remotely come close…but it's as close as I'll ever get to loving someone like that. He has killed love for me. I don't even know how you can defend him. Months ago didn't want me anywhere near him."
"I love him like a son, Elena." It was probably the worst time to drop information like that on her. Now she'd leave thinking her feelings didn't matter most to him.
"Ugh, don't say things like that. It hits too close to home," she swallowed back the sick feeling.
"He isn't his Dad. At first, I had trouble separating the two…but Damon has his head on straight. Someday you'll understand, sweetie. You grew up with him…how can I not care about him? I'm sorry that he hurt you, but honey, pain is a part of life. He was trying to do the right thing…you'll get over him. You'll find someone new, when the time is right. And he'll move on, too."
"I don't want to love anyone else. I hate love. You, if anyone, should know how I feel. He's not your son. I'm your daughter and I'm the one hurting. He made his choice and he's apparently fine with having Mom living with them. I don't need him, and I don't need you defending him. I'll call you when I get there. Okay?"
"Okay," he nodded, afraid to push it any further. The emptiness in her eyes frightened him. He could only hope good would come from her going away for a while. She could reinvent herself at school. She could forget about this pain, if she had to.
College had changed his life. If he'd never gone, he'd never have met Giuseppe… he'd never have his bookstore…but he might have his wife.
Elena was trying to be independent. She was absolutely done needing people. Her heart would never break again, if she could have it her way. She'd do anything and everything in her power to make sure she never cared again.
She really thought it would work.
But the first time she'd run into him on campus, in his dorm building of all places, the dark cloud shifted over her again. He was in a group of people, talking to a girl and laughing. A sandy blond, muscular guy stood next to him with green eyes. They were nice, that guy's eyes…but they weren't Damon's. If she'd been a stranger, seeing Damon for the first time, she'd have loved his eyes.
But she couldn't love his eyes anymore. When they looked at her all they saw was his sister, she thought.
She wanted so badly to ignore him…to just keep walking and avert her eyes from his. But he stopped, right in front of her.
"Excuse me," she said, trying to push past him. She was clutching her books close to her chest. She was going to pretend she'd never met him…that he seeing him there didn't bother her. "I'm trying to go to my lab partner's room to study if you'll just…"
"Hey," he said softly, trying to stop her. She looked pale, sick. "You don't look so good," no one in the group would know what they were…what they used to be…
"I need to go," she shook her head. But Damon wouldn't move his arm. He couldn't let it go. She was about to walk away again and they'd have accomplished nothing.
"Dude, let her go…she doesn't want to talk to you. What's the big deal?" The green-eyed man said. "We have to get back anyway. I told Jere we'd be around for wings and beers later. That was like four hours ago…"
"Fine, yeah," he sighed, moving his arms as if he didn't mean anything by what he'd said. "Take care of yourself," he said to her but she barely heard as she ran down the hallway to meet Luca for their project.
"Do you know her? She's hot…wow," the man said, looking back over his shoulder. Damon's stomach ached. He knew how hot she was. He thought about it every single day….still…
"I used to," he shook his head. He didn't have the heart to explain it. It wasn't a conversation to have in the hallway when he was holding a six pack of beer. "Come on, Mason... let's get those wings."
"She's not that hot," the tall, light brown haired said snottily, slinging her little arm through his.
"Andie…" Mason laughed. "You are far too high maintenance for me. Try hard enough and maybe Damon will give you a chance…" Mason knew a lot about his roommate. He knew he was nursing a broken heart…but he didn't know why and he didn't know just how bad it was.
"I'm not available," he reminded her. "Not right now." He wasn't. Not in his heart, not in his brain. The only woman he wanted anything to do with at all was Elena. And that wasn't going to work. "Now are you gonna be one of the guys tonight or not? I hope you brought your wet naps because if you're that high maintenance you're not going to like the amount of sauce on these wings…" he changed the subject.
Elena hadn't ever made it to Luca's room. As soon as they'd turned into their dorm room, she'd slid down the wall and gritted her teeth. She was mad at herself for feeling something. It was easier when she didn't see him every day. The time she'd been at school had actually been okay. She didn't really have friends and she spent a lot of time in her room…but she could see he wasn't moping. He seemed completely fine. It wasn't fair.
She ran into him at one of the restaurants on campus one afternoon. She'd been eating her salad and he'd plopped down right across from her. It was empty around them, no one could hear.
"Eating healthily, I see," he cleared his throat. Small talk was better than no talk, he thought. They'd been away at school for three months and she'd successfully avoided having a conversation with him that lasted more than two minutes. They usually ended badly, but he'd kept on trying…
"Go away," she whispered, bitterly, staring at the lettuce. "Why are you bothering me?"
"I'm checking on you, Elena. I've tried calling you five times this week. Your Dad tried calling you. You can't just ignore everyone."
"What do you care? What part of this don't you get, Damon? We aren't friends anymore. We aren't anything. You and my dad can be friends. Leave me out of it."
"You don't have to like me. Just answer me when I call you. You're so closed off…you're scaring me." He reached out to touch her hand. "Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I don't still worry."
"I don't need a babysitter. I don't want to talk to you so stop calling. I don't want to see you…so stop following me around like a lost puppy" she bit out. Her heart was heavy. Something massive was sitting on her chest and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't understand it then, but later she'd know. It was guilt. "Just leave me alone…" She picked up her tray and walked across the room to sit at another empty table. He'd stayed seated for twenty minutes, just staring. How could she go from loving him, crying over him…to this? She was angry, he understood, but the least she could do was acknowledge him. They'd loved each other…
He'd texted later her that day. "SORRY," but she wouldn't respond.
A week later, "ARE YOU OKAY?" Nothing.
A month later, she she'd pulled out her phone after a night class, and she'd seen a text from him. "I MISS YOU," it read. It didn't help her feel better. It made it worse. How dare he. He wasn't allowed to miss her. He was the only reason they weren't together…
"DON'T," She texted back and gripped her phone so tightly it threated to crack. He couldn't do this to her now. He made his choice.
After countless days and nights of pushing him away, she'd finally lost it. She wasn't supposed to keep seeing him everywhere she went. She was supposed to be able to forget. She hated herself for it. She could say the meanest, cruelest, most untrue things to him to try to get him to leave her alone…but he just wouldn't. Why would he be trying so hard if he didn't want her?
So maybe he'd changed his mind….
Once the thought seeped into her mind, it poisoned her. And after a few days of obsessive thoughts of him….she'd snapped. Instead of studying she'd go back to her dorm and cry. She was absolutely pitiful and it was absolutely tiring. She didn't want to hurt anymore. Hadn't eight months apart been enough? She'd worked so hard to convince him he meant nothing to her. Shouldn't she be able to convince herself she didn't love him anymore?
Soon she found herself cracking open a bottle of vodka in her dorm room. It went from one time to two times to every night that week. She'd do a few shots and then she'd cry. She'd do a few more…and laugh. She didn't know what she felt. She was torn in two…angry and sad…but really, just lonely.
She'd pull out pictures of him and tear them up…then she'd tape them back together and tuck them under her pillow. She was a hot, hot mess. Though she seemed hard and angry on the outside, and always on the defensive, on the inside she was a puddle of sick emotions. She was begging God to make it stop.
Her roommate, Bonnie, would come home to find her sleeping in a pool of vomit more than once. Her studies were failing. She was going for business, but at the rate she was drinking, she'd fail half the classes in her first semester from simply being absent.
"Whoever broke your heart deserves a firm kick in the nuts, honey," Bonnie said as she sat on the ground next to her drunk friend. "But you can't be like this. I'm worried about you. You can't drink this much You're not even socially drinking. You're drinking because you're hurting, honey. This is the fourth time this week you've been blasted out of your damn mind when I've come home. And that's not counting the time I saw you dumping rum in your coffee before you left for physics class."
"Oh, Bonnie, you're a party pooper. I like it," she coughed. "I feel good. It's easier," Bonnie was getting fuzzy in front of her.
"And you feel like shit in the mornings," she reminded her. She'd liked Elena from the beginning. They'd been randomly picked to be roommates, even though Bonnie was a year older. At first Elena was just quiet. But now she anything but. She'd become careless with her studies and she was wild.
"No I don't…I don't even get hung over anymore. It works for me." She tried to stand up. "I'm almost nineteen. I'm supposed to have fun, Bon. You said you wanted me to be happy. So let me be happy. No one wants me to be happy…"
"So it's fun to drink by yourself and cry? Yeah, that sounds like you're really happy, Elena." She said sadly. "And it's fun to throw up everywhere? Because it's not fun for me to have to wake up and change your bed sheet every night and make sure you're still breathing. I know you. You're stronger than this. You can be happy in other ways…"
"You could drink with me," she smiled. "Or we could go out to a party. You're right, drinking alone can be boring. I think I'll stop after tonight. It could be way more fun…"
"No, I'm not contributing to this. In fact, that's it. I'm throwing all the alcohol away and I am not bringing more in. And if you don't knock this off, you're going to need help. More help than me sitting here pleading with you to get your shit together. I don't want this to become more of a problem, Elena."
"My problem is that I'm in love with my brother," she yelled, sticking her head out her dorm room, sending her voice down the hallway. She'd gone from being the giddy drunk to the angry drunk in less than two minutes. "And he doesn't want to have sex with me," she yelled louder. A few heads popped out of their rooms in confusion and Bonnie pulled her back inside.
All the ignoring…all the nasty words she'd said to him were failed attempts to stop loving him. But it hadn't worked. That text, it had ruined her.
"Oh God. Elena, you're lucky I know what you're talking about… but you can't go around saying stuff like that to everyone else because they won't get it. Someone's probably calling the police by now…"
"It's okay, he doesn't want me anyway. Actually, did I say I loved him? It's more like I can't stand that I love him…but he text me and there's a slight chance he does want to have sex with me…" her head was spinning. "So I think I have to find out," she hiccupped. "I have to do something, get out of my way," she tried to shove past her.
"Oh no you don't," she held her back from walking out the door. "Get your butt in your bed. You are not marching over there and doing something stupid. You're drunk off your ass and you're going to regret anything you do."
"What are you, my mother?" She laughed. "I'm fine," she wobbled. "He wants to text me and tell me he misses me then he deserves this," she smiled. "Make sure I make it out the door without falling, I think my heel is on backwards," Bonnie slapped herself in the forehead.
"God, Elena… I'm about to call you in. Don't go wandering around on the street. You're going to get hit by a car or worse…someone's gonna pick you up thinking you're a you know," she stopped.
"Oh ye of little faith," she laughed and then stopped, momentarily losing her train of thought. "I'll be home later. Much later. Don't wait up," she waggled her eyebrows. Bonnie would end up following her the entire way to Damon's room. She'd stand down the hallway and watch Elena bang on his door and yell and make a scene. She knew Elena had a mind of her own, but she wasn't about to let her wander around drunk, alone.
"Open the fucking door, Damon," she yelled. She pounded until her fists turned crimson. But she was numb. All of her. "I know you're in there. I saw you on the messenger…"
"Excuse me. Is there some kind of problem?" The hall's RA asked, rubbing his eyes. "You can't be disturbing everyone at three in the morning. Who are you looking for?"
"Damon Salvatore," she yelled, banging on the door. "Open this door! You want me to pay attention to you…well here I AM!"
The RA was just about to tell her to leave when Damon's door cracked open. He had been asleep. Dead asleep. "Elena…what are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?" He nodded his head to tell the RA that everything was fine.
"Yeah, I do," she said boldly and as his vision cleared and he woke up, he could see that she was completely drunk. "It's time for you to let me in there. I've only been pounding on the door for five minutes. I thought you'd sent that text and then changed your mind again. You're good at that." She pushed at his chest with her index and middle finger and he flinched.
"Jesus, Elena…" he led her in his room and Bonnie watched him close the door. Whatever happened, happened, she guessed. She'd done her part to make sure her friend didn't die on the way over. But she couldn't protect her from things she did to herself.
"How much have you had to drink tonight?" He wouldn't be mean. He wouldn't bring up the fact that he was hurt that she'd been so absent and cruel. She didn't need anything else to give her reason to drink more that night.
"A lot," she smiled wickedly and sat at the edge of the bed across from his. "Trust me, if I was sober, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. But somehow, if I'm not sober, you don't seem so bad…you should like it that I'm drunk. You know what?" she licked her lips. "You're still sexy as hell…"
He'd ignored her comment. She was drunk. She didn't know what she was saying or doing. The Elena he used to know would never show up like this in the middle of the night. And the Elena that had stormed out of his life and shut out their family eight months ago certainly wouldn't be calling him sexy…
"Were you at a party? Are you okay? Do you need help or something?" he frowned. Her breath and her clothes just stunk of alcohol. He was incredibly sad for her. She'd been so disconnected from him for months that he had to walk on eggshells around her. But now she just smiled at him and she looked like she was happy to see him. He couldn't understand.
"Elena, what? I don't know what that means…it's really early in the morning and I don't get why you're here. It might make sense in your head, but to sober people, you look crazy. Give me a clue here. I'm not psychic."
"I wasn't at a party. I was at home. I was doing some thinking. I saw your text from a month ago and I read it a few times. The thinking turned into drinking and after a while, I think I got what you were saying. You miss me." Wasn't it obvious? She really was wasted.
"Of course I do," he said gently. He was afraid to say the wrong thing. "You completely ignore every attempt I make to talk to you. When you do acknowledge me, you only say hurtful things. I'm alone here, Elena. I'm trying to reach out to you because I need to," he swallowed. It was all wrong. He shouldn't lay out his feelings when she was drunk. Her reaction wouldn't be real. But he couldn't help it. "I need my friend…I need you…"
"You're being stupid," she shook her head. "You're trying to hurt me."
"I'm not. No one even really knows what's going on with us…do you get how hard that is for me? I can't talk to anyone but our family. I get that you need time to yourself…but if this is what you're doing in that time, I can't agree with it. You might not care about me but I can't stop caring about you. I miss you, the old you. My friend, Elena."
"Oh please, you don't know how I spend my time. No one does." She shrugged. "But you still miss me. Guess what? Sober me wouldn't say this, so make sure you listen closely. I miss you, too." She stared at him for a minute before she got up and wobbled over to him. She nearly fell over and he reached out his arms to catch her.
This would be it…her very, honest to God last try. "So if we both miss each other maybe we should do something about that…" Her lips were on his and it was hot like fire. She hadn't kissed him or barely touched him in eight months. He was poison. Through the bitterness of the alcohol he could still taste her sweetness. She was warm and she physically felt like Elena… But he couldn't let himself do it because it wasn't really her.
"See, you still like it," she whispered sensually, putting her hand against the front of his pants. She smiled against his lips.
The desperation pouring out of her…the drunk, crazy desperation… It would terrify him. She'd kissed him and kissed him and tugged at his t-shirt…he'd all but lost control and let her, just once. But he stood firm. He'd made it…and he didn't know it never be faced with it again….
He snapped out of it in an instant. Thirty seconds of that was both too short and too long for him to handle…
She couldn't throw herself at him like this. But she wouldn't...not after this...
"Lena, stop…Lena…ELENA," he slid her off him, firmly but gently. He didn't want to hurt her. "What are you doing? One minute you hate me and the next you're all over me…"
"I thought when you said you missed me you meant you wanted to sleep with me now. Maybe we should…just so we could see. I'm still a virgin, you know. You could still have that…" he was sitting on the edge of his bed and she climbed onto his lap, straddling him. "Better act fast."
"Oh my God," he put his head in his hands. He knew he should've pushed her off just then…but the man in him left her there. It was sick and wrong and absolutely contradicted everything he was saying to her about what they couldn't be together….but he still left her there.
He'd sent that text. But he'd never meant for it to be like this.
"Elena…don't…we are not sleeping together. Okay? It's like that's all you can think about. Sex. It's not a big deal, Elena. You need to listen to me. I'm tired of saying this. I shouldn't have to anymore…we aren't together. I don't. want. to. have. sex. with. you." He separated the words. He wished he could've been nice but she was too drunk to accept kindness. He had to be blunt. He had to be harsh. He couldn't do this. He couldn't have her in his room begging him like this. He was too weak for her. He'd vowed not to go there and he was working really hard to resist her. But he'd soften, toward the end…afraid of the repercussions his harshness would have. "I'm Sorry, sweetie." He touched her cheek. "I don't want to hurt you more…but you just don't seem to understand what I mean when I say I miss you." He was so lucky Mason was gone for the weekend. He did not need to be witness to this drama.
"Don't call me sweetie," She got off his lap. "I'm not sweet. You'll see. Sweet has gotten me nowhere. Up until this point, I still loved you. But now I can stop," she hiccupped. "Guess this drunken trip here served a purpose after all. I didn't get what I wanted but now I know. You're really done. You've lost your last chance. I told you before that it was your last chance but I guess I'm just generous and wanted to try again. So don't text me and imply that I still mean something to you when I obviously don't."
He was right. She thought she wasn't important to him because he wouldn't sleep with her. She was so very wrong. How had she sunken so low? Friendship meant nothing to her, anymore. With Damon, she couldn't separate love and sex. She loved him so she wanted him. But when she'd finally realized it would never happen…the separation came quickly. She'd never love again. It would just be sex.
"Ugh…wait. Elena…you can't just walk home like this. Come here," he steadied her.
"Don't touch me," she frowned. "After tonight, I don't want you to talk to me. I don't want you to follow me. Go away and stay away."
"I care about you. You're my…you know what you are." He softened going to pull her in for a hug. But she jumped away from him and shook her drunken, woozy head.
"Yeah, I do," she laughed maniacally. "I'm your sister. Now are we done?"
He cringed at her words. If he ever saw Elena like this again he'd be making a call home. Her father needed to know what was becoming of his little girl.
"We're done." He said sadly. "But I still want you to know…if you ever need anything other than what you came looking for tonight…I'm here. If you ever need a friend…"
"Whatever," she shook her head and closed the door behind her. Damon would watch out his window and make sure she got into her friend's car before he'd climb back into bed. He'd lay and stare up at the ceiling for hours, never falling back asleep. He knew Elena was angry with him and sad…but he didn't think she'd ever become self-destructive about it. That woman that had just walked out of his room was not Elena. She was her pretty little body without a soul. It was the first time he realized that he'd never see her again. But it wouldn't be the last. There would be so many more instances that would push him to the edge. He could only try to help her so many times before it just hurt too much…
Elena reached up on her tiptoes to put a book on the top shelf. Damon caught a glimpse of her back and that little little red dragon tattoo. He smiled...his thoughts swirling. But she broke them when she said,
"Elijah's my old roommate, Damon," Elena said after a few minutes of them loading more new books onto the shelves. He stopped and turned to her a moment, ready to hear what she was about to say. "A year after you left…after I moved out of the dorms before junior year, I met him."
"Oh, I…" he pressed his lips together awkwardly. He wasn't sure how much he should ask. He didn't know if he really wanted to know.
"He's a good friend," she emphasized, not really elaborating anymore.
"Sure, okay," he shrugged. But he felt his insides breathe a sigh of relief. A part of him had slightly panicked at the thought of another man actually meaning something to her. While he was happy she'd found someone she could rely on, it also made him sad. It was selfish of him to expect her to just be on her own after he left.
Years ago he'd have done anything for someone to come pick up her pieces as she broke…because there was no way she'd let him do it. In all of the moments that he'd tried and tried to be there for her…be a friend…be a brother…he'd only propelled her further and further away.
He knew she'd been through countless men…but none of them had lasted more than a night or two. Most of them he'd never learn the names of because she could barely remember who they were. Most of them. She'd lost her innocence in a blur and no one could give it back…
"About the dinner," she cleared her throat. "Don't pick up one of those local old ladies, okay?" she smiled softly, teasingly. "I think it would be nice if we could just go. It's our business. Our dream. We should do this together."
His face went from calm to worried in a millisecond.
"Elena…" He exhaled quietly. He was nervous. He stared right at her and could swear he saw something change in her eyes. She looked kind. She looked okay. He could almost see her.
"Damon," emphasizing the D. She widened her eyes, teasingly. "What, don't you want to go with me?" She put her hands on her hips. So now she was just okay? It couldn't be that simple. He wasn't sure what had happened in the ten years they'd been basically estranged. He'd seen her once and she was indifferent then. It hadn't seemed like anything had changed…they hadn't gotten worse but they hadn't gotten better….
But spending every day with her felt good. She'd asked him to let her be her, not some ghost. The first step was to stop assuming she was always going to stab him in the back…and start believing in her. He could tell…it was what she so desperately wanted. Trust…faith.
"Yes, of course I do," he nodded quickly. "But I'm afraid you're going to freak out and change your mind and this is going to blow up into a big drawn out ordeal. We're doing so well…" She frowned a little. She looked disappointed. Her pretty brown eyes had dropped. "But if you're sure," he'd take a shot. He'd risk things blowing up, even if it meant they might regress, because the look she'd given him had been so Lena.
"I'm sure," she said seriously. He'd been kind to her. He was trying. She was slowly realizing, with each passing day, each little moment, that he really hadn't stopped caring. Even after she'd pushed him away, even after she'd done and said things that any other man would've never forgiven her for. But he wasn't any other man. He was Damon.
"As business partners," he reached out to shake her hand. He felt nerdy, but he wasn't sure what else to do in that moment.
"As friends," and instead of shaking his hand, she folded her fingers in between his for a second and squeezed his hand before letting go.
Friends. Damon was sure he'd never heard a better word come out of her mouth.
A/N: *Sigh* I'm so curious to see how this one went for you guys. Both characters were in such disarray back then. He loved her but thought he couldn't. She loved him but didn't want to. Thoughts on Damon here? And Elena? I can't wait to get the next chapter going.
Elijah's coming…
