Heads up: This is super depressing and deals with themes that might not be suitable or agreeable with certain age groups. It took me forever to get semi-happy with this, and I'm still not liking it. Please review and let me know what to improve on or if I got my point across. Sorry for the sadness.
Disclaimer: I don't own HM.
I didn't sleep that night, after talking to Kai. I couldn't. I laid in bed, staring into the darkness and letting out the occasional sigh. She wasn't a distraction. At least not from work. Maybe in the beginning I had used her like a distraction, something- someone to keep my mind off from Mary and Jack, and it had worked. I hadn't thought about them, not near as much. I hadn't sat in the library wallowing in my own self pity in nearly a season.
Feeling sorry for myself, trying to place blame, it didn't solve anything. It had been more productive to show Claire around, to have her sit in the chair next to me and read out loud so she could enjoy the story too. It had been a blessing to me, that someone needed me.
But now that summer was here, now that Kai was here…it was like all of a sudden she didn't need me at all…
I walked out of the forge, squinting at the brightness of the sun. I turned to the right; marching in the direction of Jack's farm and feeling myself scowl as I entered the property. What was I even doing here? Why did it matter that Claire was spending all of her free time with Kai?
Jack opened the door, his face somewhat surprised at seeing me. He crossed his arms over his chest and arched an eyebrow at me expectantly. I let out a large sigh and shoved my hands in my pockets.
"Is Claire around?" I muttered, though I knew already she wasn't. I knew where she was at; I knew who she was with. So why was I even asking the question?
"She's at the beach. Kai came and picked her up early this morning," Jack mumbled, looking downward and scratching his head around the edge of his backwards hat. "Her hand is doing a lot better," he offered with what I guess was an attempt at civil conversation.
"Good, good," I said, nodding my head and pulling one of my hands from my pockets to pull the brim of my hat down. "He…He's being respectful to her, bringing her back on time?" I asked, oh so non-suspiciously.
"He….he cuts it close. But she seems to be having a good time," Jack replied, the awkward silence between us growing. "So Claire says you've been really busy," he began, leaning against the frame of the door and finally looking at me. "I'm glad to see that you're able to spend more time with her. Kai is a great guy, but frankly he is starting to get on my nerves," he said with a small chuckle.
"I haven't been busy…" I muttered, once again avoiding eye contact.
"But Claire said"
"The other day she came to the forge and walked in on an argument with me and Gramps," I blurted out, ears reddening. "I yelled at her, but I didn't know it was her…and she cut her hand, and then…well I took her to the clinic and apologized, and she hasn't…talked to me since." Jack stepped out of the house the door shutting behind him.
"So you lost your temper and took it out on my baby sister?" he asked for clarification. I nodded dumbly and he narrowed his eyes at me. "How did she cut her hand?"
"She was trying to leave, and she knocked over some tools. I tried to tell her to stop when she went to pick them up, but she had already cut her hand on a sickle," I explained.
"You didn't approach her…or like, touch her when you were mad did you?" I gaped at him and narrowed my eyes, my fist clinching.
"How the hell could you even suggest," I growled out, but Jack interrupted me.
"I'm trying to figure out why she's avoiding you. And the only reasons I can think of have just been disproved," he said, waving his hands in front of me in a no offense manner.
"Why the hell would you think that?" I exclaimed, stepping closer to him and glaring at him. Jack had looked away, somewhat ashamed as he let out a soft sigh and whispered.
"Gray…it wouldn't be the first time Claire's been in abusive situation."
Abusive… When Jack said those words my hair had stood on end. Here in this little town, well you would think that there might be a lot of situations that would leave some woman abused. Outsiders would look at people like Duke and Manna, and think that he abused her. But as far as I knew there was never such a thing so close to home.
The way that Claire acted…it didn't just scream 'I've been abused!' But it didn't dispel it either. Things like the first time I met her came flooding back to me. Apprehensive to strangers, or had it been? She hadn't tried to shut the door until I spoke to her. When I met her in the field she didn't crawl away from me until she heard the sound of my voice.
"I would never hurt her," I muttered out lowly, my hands clinching into fists. Jack seemed to study me for what seemed like forever. He finally nodded, removing his own cap and running a hand through his unmanageable brown tresses.
"I know that Gray. I wouldn't have allowed her to go off with you if I thought that for certain," he seemed to become suddenly distant, and shook his head. "I owe you an apology. I…thought you were a lot like someone we used to know, and that couldn't be further from the truth," I put my hand up to stop him.
"You're entitled to your opinions, and you don't have to apologize for them. Not when you really didn't voice them to me anyway." I turned on my heels and began to leave, stopping when Jack called after me.
"Where are you going?" I took a deep breath and turned to face him, my face more than likely showing the frustration I felt on it.
"I'm going to find out why the hell she lied to you, and why she's avoiding me," I stated in near a shout, not realizing the level of my voice rising with each word that passed through my lips. I narrowed my eyes when Jack shut the door, walking up to me.
"I'm curious myself. So I hope you don't mind if I go and watch," he said quietly and kept walking past me, heading to the beach.
The walk to the beach was silent, the only sounds besides the chickens and live stock along the way my muttered curses and thoughts. By the time we reached the square, I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I was…hurt. I was hurt that she had abandoned me, left me to go spend her time with Kai. That's what it felt like anyway. I didn't even want to go to the beach anymore. I didn't want to CARE if she wanted to be around me or not. But damn it I did.
Maybe to much. Or maybe not enough. It was hard to say then. It was still hard to stay.
If only….well then she wouldn't have been Claire. If she hadn't had given me the choice. Claire was like that, a scale, a balance. She made me normal. I couldn't say at the time if she made me happy or not. But she made me feel normal. Not positive or negative, just balanced.
"Clarissa Nichole Nelson," Jack's voice rang out as he entered the beach, me following now begrudgingly behind him. I saw Kai and her sitting on a beach towel, and Kai leaned in to whisper something to her. She seemed to pale slightly and stood, clasping her hands in front of herself nervously.
"Jack…" she started, then seemed to think better of it and decided to remain silent. Jack looked at Kai and shook his head.
"I presume you know why I'm here…" he said sternly, and Claire nodded. "Care to explain why you lied to me, about this?" he finally asked, all sternness leaving his voice. He seemed to be somewhat…disappointed.
"I didn't want to interfere." She stated, biting her lip and turning to the direction of the sound of the ocean waves lapping at the shore. "I didn't want to cause more trouble than I already had, and I didn't want…" she trailed off and brought her hand up to her lips, taking a deep shaking breath.
"Oh Goddess Claire don't cry," Jack mumbled, grabbing her shoulder. "No one is mad at you. Everyone would understand your motives if you would just explain them. Don't cry," Jack seemed to be about to panic. He was obviously more afraid of tears than I was, and the fact that tears were welling up in Claire's eyes seemed to be nearly driving Jack to frustrated tears of his own.
Watching them, and seeing her seem so upset, it made me let out a frustrated sigh, and I stepped forward, placing my large hand on her face and guiding her face to look at me. I stared into her wide empty eyes, glistening with tears that she blinked out, the warm drops falling and wetting my fingers. "You didn't want what," I demanded softly, my eyes narrowing on her own. For a moment I forgot that she couldn't see me, that I couldn't convey how I was feeling to her through site, but for some reason it didn't stop me from trying.
"I didn't want you to yell at me again…" she said quietly, eyelids shutting and covering that pale grayish blue color from me.
"You're stupid…" I muttered out, my hand releasing her face and coming to rest on top of her head. She seemed wounded by my words and I shook my head, ruffling her bangs "I never yelled at you to begin with. Not on purpose," I explained softly, forgetting about our audience of her over protective brother and the local seasonal traveler.
"But you," she began and I snapped at her, somewhat angrily.
"I told you I was sorry you silly girl! You don't accept someone's apology if you don't mean it. I don't care if you want to stay mad at me for awhile, don't you ever just accept my apology without meaning it, ever again," I stressed the ever again part by bonking her forehead. Claire seemed to be stunned and brought her hands up in front of her, laying them on my chest and pushing me back lightly.
"Don't do that," she muttered out, bringing her hands to her face to scrub away tears.
"You deserved it. You are supposed to be my friend. Let me tell you something missy. I get frustrated. A lot," I added, my hand coming to pull my hat more over my face as my cheeks glowed. I was embarrassed having to explain myself to her. "I get snappy, I get loud, and I shout. It doesn't mean that I'm mad at you, or that I don't want you around. It means….that I had a bad day…" I trailed off there and rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest in agitation.
"Gray…" she said after a long moment of silence. I looked at her curious form, reaching out and stepping forward, searching for me. She must have thought I left.
"I'm right here. Look…" I said reaching a hand out to grasp hers. "I don't think you're a burden. I don't think that you are a distraction, and I would appreciate it if you would quit avoiding me. I might get mad, and I might yell, but I wouldn't ever hurt you Claire. If you don't believe that…then I'm sorry." I finished, the questions Jack had asked me earlier circling in my head. I stared out towards the ocean, thinking about what he said.
Claire had been abused. Some guy, some poor excuse for a man…a being, had physically harmed her. What had he done, how bad had he hurt her? What exactly did he say, what did he do? I lost myself in thought, a frown tight on my lips.
I became aware, after some time, that a body was pressing against mine. A fragile hand was slowly going upward, feather lightly to grasp my cheek. And for the first time, I leaned into that hand, a genuine smile tugging at the corners of my lips.
"That's my way of saying you're welcome," I had responded to her. When she told me that was her way of saying thank you.
I had so much to thank her for. For having courage, for being my strength, my hope. Things I never got the chance to tell her. Things that I regretted so much not telling her when I had the chance.
We stayed on the beach, way past sunset. Jack and Kai had left, be it Jack had somewhat pulled Kai from the scene. Kai seemed to think we needed a chaperone. We just sat on a towel, bare feet digging into the sand in utter silence. We sat side by side, not touching, not speaking. We just were. The stars had come out some time ago, and I closed my eyes, face tilted up. I felt a softness on my bare arm, now clad in only my t-shirt, my jacket discarded some time ago. I looked down to see her resting her head on my shoulder, the softness tickling my skin her hair moving in the breeze.
"Claire…" I finally said, breaking the sanctity that we had been on for the greater part of the afternoon and most of the evening.
"hmm?" she responded, somewhat tried sounding.
"How long have you been blind?" I finally asked, and saw her eyes become alert as she took her head off my arm, suddenly not as tired as she felt just a second ago. She reached forward, fingers digging into the crunchy white sand, allowing it to sift through them as she finally took a deep breath.
"About six years now…" she said quietly, not volunteering anymore information. I nodded and counted back in my head.
"You were seventeen," I stated, and she nodded her head in conformation. I took a deep breath and turned to stare at her. "What happened?" I asked, and she turned her head away from me.
Something she did when she lied. She couldn't face you and lie to you.
She turned her head back to me, but remained looking down.
Something I later realized happened when she was telling a half truth. Withholding part of the truth.
"I have…a small growth in my optic lobe, accompanied by some damage to that area. It's put enough pressure there that it finally impaired my vision. The doctor's say…they could try to remove it, but there isn't a guarantee that I'll make it out of the surgery. So I decided against it." She said and let out a long drawn out sigh. I nodded, then shook my head.
"I see. It's…it's not cancer is it?" I asked, somewhat worriedly. She turned to me immediately, shaking her head.
"Oh no! It's not cancerous. It's just something that sometimes happens when you experience a lot of head trauma…" she trailed off, eyes widening as she looked away from me. I felt my lips tighten into another frown.
"Head trauma meaning some asshole who claimed to loved her put her head through a few walls, blackened her eyes a few times over four years. Broke a few bones and caused her to end up in the emergency room about five times that I know of." Jack had told me sometime later. He had been ticked off that Claire had down played it like that.
"Gray…Claire was with this guy who controlled everything she did, and beat her all the time. She was good about hiding the bruises, but sometimes things got way out of hand. Some damage… that's a real nice way of saying that my boyfriend at the time decided he wanted to bash the back of my head against some concrete because I got into college and he didn't."
I later found out that…Josh was the reason Claire was blind. Evidently he was some star foot-ball player, a line backer or something. He broke his leg his senior year, and lost his scholarship. Claire had to suffer for receiving an academic one. Claire had to suffer for everything that Josh thought was her fault, which was everything.
I had listened to the story in horror, and when it was over asked Jack how he could let that go on for four years. Jack had shook his head and looked utterly defeated.
"I wasn't' around. I was at college. I…I didn't know. I had suspected when I met the guy. Gave me that feeling. But…but she had said I was just being way to overprotective."
It's something that I hate to think about even now, with her being gone. I don't want to think about her in the situation, with a guy who wasn't worthy to be in her presence.
I could easily sit here and say she should have left, that it was her fault. But it wasn't. Fear does things to you, so does love. Mix the two together, and you have no idea what's happening, what you truly feel. All you know is you don't want to hurt. And what is some emotional pain, withdrawal compared to physical torment?
She was young to, and she didn't really know what to do. Me being me…I felt that physical pain was much easier to go through than emotional pain. Claire…was just stronger than me.
And I could say now…that was why I ended up letting her go.
