Chapter 7

Janet takes me into her office and closes the door. Now that's not a good sign. If all she's going to say is that everything's fine, she'd probably have just said so already.

"Sam, is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"No, Janet. What is it?"

"Have you seen Colonel O'Neill?"

"Yeah, in the commissary."

"And?"

"He doesn't look well."

"No, he doesn't. And if nothing changes soon, I'm going to have to order him to have a psychiatric assessment."

"Janet! It can't be that bad."

"You've been off world for three weeks; you haven't seen him."

"No, I haven't."

"And you don't know what's wrong with him?"

"If I knew, I'd tell you, Janet. You know I would."

She holds my gaze, looking, I assume, for any sign of duplicity.

"So, did you want to see me because of the Colonel?"

"Not really. I just thought …"

"What, Janet?"

"Sam, your tests … You're pregnant."

I hear the words, but it's like they're in another language and I've got to translate them before I respond.

I'm shaking my head before I get the words out. "I can't be!"

"You are, Sam. I double-checked the test."

"Look, Janet, I'm no doctor but I do know how the process works. I haven't had sex in so long I'm having the most amazing erotic dreams of my life! Between that and the fact that you told me that you thought that the naquadah in my blood would probably stop me from ever conceiving, you've got to be wrong!"

"There was always a small chance of your conceiving even with the naquadah. I told you that. I can't believe you've been having unprotected sex on the strength of what I said."

"Weren't you listening, Janet? I haven't been having sex, protected or otherwise!"

She's still regarding me closely, waiting to see if I can add something. And then the penny drops.

"You think … Colonel O'Neill and I …"

"I know you care about him, Sam. And the state he's been in - if something happened between you, it'd make sense."

"Oh, thanks, Janet. One illicit night with me and Jack's ready for a psychiatric evaluation!"

"So you have …"

"No, Janet. We haven't broken any rules. Yes, I care about him, and I know he cares about me. But nothing happened between us."

"Be honest with me here, Sam. I'm your friend. I'll do what I can to protect you."

"Janet, nothing happened between us. I'm serious."

"Then is there someone else?"

"No, Janet. Your test must be wrong."

"It's not, Sam." She sighs deeply, and then quite obviously, decides to believe me. "Ok, if you can't tell me how it happened, then we're going to have to dig. It's possible you've been raped. There are drugs …"

"I know about date rape, Janet. Not a possibility since I haven't been on a date."

"How about just going somewhere alone - a bar?"

"Janet, how long have you known me?"

"Long enough to hope you wouldn't lie to me."

"I'm not lying. I haven't been to a bar. I haven't socialised with anyone but you and the members of SG-1 in the past, oh, for months."

"What about off world?"

"Apart from the visits to Haven, it's all been uninhabited planets for weeks."

"Ok, Sam. I want to do a physical exam to try to get a better idea of the time of conception. Once I've done that, we can tie down a shorter timeframe, and then we're going to have to go through your memories with a fine tooth comb. Is that ok?"

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

She does the exam, and double checks her result with the date of my last period before speaking.

"Well, they're in agreement. I'd estimate that conception took place around four weeks ago - we'll take a look at a week either side for now."

I've got a feeling of total unreality about this. It's like a bad dream. I can't think clearly, can't remember what I was doing then. Janet takes pity on me.

"Ok, Sam. You have a calendar, don't you? In your lab?"

"Yes. On the desk."

"I'll get an orderly to go get it, ok?"

I nod.

"Can I get you anything? A drink?"

"Some water," I agree. I need to do something normal, something to anchor me to reality. I'm sipping the water when the orderly returns. Janet opens the book and makes some notes.

"The only off world mission in the timeframe was to PX2-788. The trip to Haven might just about qualify, but it's a little late."

"And we were there with my Dad! That's really going to have us throwing the regs. out the window, isn't it?" I'm confused but I'm still furious that she suspected us.

"Ok, Sam. What about while you were on earth?"

She holds the book out in front of me. I look at it, forcing my memory to go back to that time.

"That's when we had a problem with the gate. I was working eighteen hours a day reworking the programme for the dialling computer and crashing on base at night, remember? The PX2-788 mission was the first after we got it fixed."

She nods.

"What about PX2-788?"

"Uninhabited, and of no interest whatsoever. Probably the most boring mission I can remember."

"Sam, how would you feel about being hypnotised? Dr. McKenzie has used hypnosis in the past to uncover subconscious memories. If there's any clue there, he should be able to recover it."

"Yeah. I'll do it. Janet, I feel like I'm going crazy."

"Ok, before I bring him in, is there anything else you can think of. Think back to that time - around that mission. Anything. Black out, memory loss, discrepancy …"

I look at the dates, and count back the days.

"Oh, God!"

"Sam, what is it? What have you remembered?"

"That's when I had the first dream. The night we got back from PX2-788."

"Dreams? Sam, that's important. They may be subconscious memories. What can you tell me about them?"

"No, Janet, they're not memories. Just flights of fancy that're never going to come true."

"Sam, tell me. What sort of dreams?"

"Erotic … vivid and detailed."

"Why didn't you mention this before?"

"Because they're not memories. They couldn't be!"

"Who's in the dream, Sam? A stranger? Movie star? Who?"

"No, Janet."

"It's someone you know, isn't it?"

"Yes Janet, it's someone I know, and that's how I know it's not real. Because he would never hurt me."

She sits back in her chair and I realise that she'd been leaning closer and closer to me during the conversation. She's shaking her head and I know she knows who it is.

"It's Colonel O'Neill, isn't it?"

"It's not real, Janet. I know it isn't."

"And it's just a coincidence that he's gone to hell lately too? Guilt'll do that - especially to someone like the Colonel."

"No, Janet."

"It's possible it was someone else and you've just put a more acceptable face on it ..." she hedges, "or even some alien influence," but I can tell that she thinks it's unlikely. "Sam, I've got to report this. I've got a duty to you as my patient, but if you've been violated by your CO, then I've got to report it."

"No. You can't. It'll destroy him." My voice is breaking as I beg her to listen to me, but she's not going to change her mind.

"Sam, you need to calm down. If you don't, I'll have to sedate you."

"What about the baby? You can't sedate me!"

"You're not thinking straight, Sam. You're going to want to terminate the pregnancy, so what does it matter?"

"Janet, I'll calm down. Don't … please don't sedate me."

I start breathing deeply, desperate to bring myself down from the almost-hysteria I'd gotten to. At last, she seems content that I'm ok, but she orders me to bed in the infirmary to rest until she can set up the regression with McKenzie. I do as I'm told, but the moment I'm alone, I feel tears start. I imagine Janet telling Hammond what she knows, and the two of them will come to the same conclusion that Janet already did. Then Hammond will have no alternative but to face the Colonel with the suspicion. I know how seriously he takes the safety of his team. If any of us are injured, he takes it personally. Suggesting that he might be responsible … And if he's already withdrawn from everyone … I need to see him. I need to let him know that I know it's not true. But I know that there's no way Janet or the General will let me see him. Why wouldn't she believe me? It's … just not possible. I know it isn't.