Disclaimer: I own nothing Degrassi...
Emma had volunteered to be the designate sober driver that evening, and was now regretting her decision, as she tried to quiet the car load of drunks, singing along with the radio. Sean was sitting shotgun, calling it earlier on in the evening, and because it was Emma's car they were driving in. In the backseat, Spinner, Paige, Alex, and Jay were all squished together, laughing and joking about how incestuous their little foursome really was.
"Em?" came Sean's voice, breaking Emma from her thoughts. Sean's head had been against the window the entire ride, and she was beginning to think he had passed out. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
Emma cringed. "Want me to pull over?" she asked, trying to sound sympathetic instead of snarly.
He shook his head and looked around. "Take me home," he ordered.
Emma looked into the backseat. She leaned toward Sean and reminded, "I still have to drive everyone else home."
"Take me home, Em," Sean begged. "Please."
Emma knew that they were a lot closer to their apartment than to Jay's or any of the others'. She took a turn and began the short drive to their apartment building. When she pulled into the parking lot, she asked Sean, "Want me to come up with you?"
He shook his head and gave her a pained look. "I just really wanna be alone. I'll be better by the time you get home. Drive safe and call if you need me."
Emma watched Sean stumble into their building, fidgeting with his keys as he tried to open the secured front door. When he was safely inside and on the elevator, Emma pulled away from the curb.
"So, who first?" she asked.
"I say me, Paige, and Alex do a little reminiscing of our own. Huh, ladies?" Spinner asked.
Alex gave him a dirty look. Sure, Paige and Spinner still messed around every now and then, but Emma suspected Alex wanted something more solid with Paige than just a one night drunken regret. She threw herself over the seat and tapped Emma on the shoulder. "Can you drop me off at my place?"
Emma played the obliging chauffeur and dropped everyone off at their intended destinations. Spinner and Paige both got off at the same stop, Paige's, and Emma giggled to herself, realizing that sometimes history can't help but repeat itself. She used the rear view mirror to peer into the backseat where Jay was lying down.
"Jay?" she called when she pulled into his parking lot. "We're here."
She struggled getting Jay into his apartment, and cursed everyone who had fed him alcohol, wishing they were the ones tripping all over the place trying to get him home.
When they were inside, Emma tried to guide Jay to his bedroom, but he was suddenly wide awake, wanting to party some more. He flipped on his stereo and turned to Emma, smirking.
"I love this song," he commented, walking toward Emma.
Emma tried not to laugh, but she couldn't help herself. Jay's hat was as crooked as his smile and he was smiling stupidly as he began to sing along with Bon Jovi. He stood in front of her and extended a hand. "Let's dance."
"Oh, no!" Emma protested, remembering their awkward dance at the bar. "I'm just your ride, not your dance partner."
"Come on, Nelson," he smirked widely. He grabbed her hand and wrapped it around his neck, swaying to the music.
"Jay! I have to get home. Come on. I'll help you get to bed and then..."
Emma had no idea how he did it, but Jay could use that famous smirk of his for so many different ways. Most times it was annoying, but tonight, standing in his living room, Jay's smirk was a sexy come on that scared the hell out of Emma.
"Bed? Sounds great! Let's go!" and off he headed to his bedroom. Emma stood in the living room until she heard Jay yell, "Come on, Nelson. Bedtime!"
Emma rolled her eyes, but followed Jay into the back bedroom. She suddenly realized that the last time she'd been here was the last day Manny had ever been in this apartment. She took a deep breath and entered the room.
The bed, with the floral bedspread Manny had loved, was perfectly made, telling Emma that Jay had not slept here since Manny had gone to the hospital. Jay was sitting now on a chair in the corner, pulling off his shoes and struggling with the buckle on the belt of his pants.
"Okay, well, I'm gonna go," Emma announced.
Jay looked up at Emma's face and remembered where he was. "I...I...I can't b...be...here."
Emma gave him a questioning look. "I don't understand."
Jay swallowed, his throat drier than a desert. "I can't sl...sleep in th...that bed."
Emma fought back tears, feeling Jay's pain through his words. She went over to where he was and kneeled in front of him. "You have to eventually. So why not make tonight the first night?"
Jay shook his head and then stopped, looking at Emma sadly. "Stay here with me," he whispered. "Just until I fall asleep."
Emma was so wrought with emotion hearing the desperation in Jay's voice as he asked her to stay with him. Manny had warned Emma that Jay would never ask for her help, but here he was, not asking, but begging for her to help him over yet another hurdle. How could she tell him no?
She nodded her head and helped him into the bed. He crawled under the covers and then lay there motionless. Emma stood by the nightstand, mentally wrestling with the idea of laying in this bed next to Jay.
"I won't bite," Jay told her.
Emma chose to remain on top of the covers, laying her head on Manny's pillow and sighing heavily. She felt the warm sting of tears as they seeped out of the corners of her eyes, falling silently onto the pillow that had once held the head of her best friend. She hadn't allowed herself to think of Manny's passing and realize just how very much she missed her.
"You're crying," Jay pointed out, touching her tear-stained cheek with a finger.
He was lying on his side, hand tucked under his cheek like a child, staring at Emma. His hair was tousled, but the look worked for him. Jay Hogart, even as a broken man who looked more like a child, emulated that husky sexiness women fawn over.
"I'm thinking of Manny," Emma said in a hushed tone. "I miss her so much."
It was Jay's turn to console Emma, as he gathered her into his arms and held her shaking body as it wept. She didn't care that she was lying in a bed with Jay. Emma held onto him for dear life as she cried until no more tears would come. It was a very sobering experience for Jay.
He smoothed back her long, blond hair and whispered endearing words into her ear. And then it struck him. How long had it been since he'd been this close with anyone? Since someone needed him more than he needed them? He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of Emma that filled the room. Her scent was so very different from Manny's. Emma was soft and natural, whereas Manny was spicy and exotic.
But there was no comparison, and Jay knew that. Manny, his wife, was gone. Emma, his friend and support, was here.
Jay leaned toward Emma and kissed her lips, gently at first, and then with more passion than even he had expected.
Emma felt herself give over to Jay, surrendering her inhibitions in place of wild abandon. For them, the kiss was both innocent and sexual in nature, and hardly enough.
But Jay worried that if he took his lips from Emma's, to give in to his need for more, she would have time to come to her senses and deny him what he wanted most. So he continued to weave his spell over her lips, tasting her right down to her very soul, and enjoying every minute of it. Emma let out a small moan and Jay wondered what it would be like to really make her moan.
Against his better judgement, Jay decided to go for it, rolling Emma over, onto her back, supporting his weight on top of her with his arms. His hand moved to her side, rubbing it gently, until her shirt crept up, revealing a patch of warm, smooth skin. He placed his hand there, not moving for the longest time, but when Emma failed to protest its location, he swept his hand under her shirt, inching it up.
Emma's head was swimming, as if she'd spent the night drinking all the alcohol her body could handle. All sense had flown out the window and she was giving over to the passion floating in the room like electricity. When Jay's hand touched her bare skin, Emma felt a jolt go through her, like she'd just touched a live wire. How long had it been since she'd felt like this? Too long.
They lay on that bed, embarking on a new journey of exploration, as their hands wandered aimlessly over each other's bodies, their tongues melding together endlessly, and, most importantly, their hearts, beating in time, creating their own wonderful piece of music.
But the best things are sometimes fleeting, as was this. Emma opened her eyes and took in her surroundings and what she was doing. She pressed her hands against Jay's chest and sat up, sending him onto his back beside her. She got up from the bed and said, "Sean."
Jay smirked. "No. Jay."
"This isn't some kind of joke, Jay!" Emma warned, her face contorted by her conflicting emotions. "What the hell am I doing?"
Jay sat up and loosely hugged his knees. "Something you want to do."
Emma pushed him until he fell over. "Stop it! This is serious!"
Jay got to his feet and stood in front of Emma. He tried to hug her, but she pushed him away and walked out of the room. Jay caught her arm just as she was opening the door. He shut it, leaning against the door, still holding Emma's arm. "Don't leave."
"I can't stay here! I can't be here, not after what just happened!"
"We kissed, Emma. Nothing happened that can't be undone. It's okay."
Emma bit her lower lip, hoping the pain would stop the tears that were threatening to come. "It's so not okay, Jay. I kissed you! I'm with Sean! And you're..."
Jay waited for her to finish her sentence. When she didn't, he offered, "A bastard? A loser?"
Emma stared at her feet as she whispered, "If you were this would be so much easier."
Jay knew at that moment that his relationship with Emma Nelson had taken a different road. And the truth was that Jay didn't feel the need to put up a front with her. She was the only person he could cry with and laugh with and remember with. Being with Emma didn't hurt, in a world when almost everything else did. So how could he let her just walk right out of his life?
"I feel like if you leave, you're hitting the road and I'll never see you again," Jay admitted.
"How can things ever be the same again?" Emma asked, searching his eyes for the answer. What she found there scared her far more than any words ever could.
"So what now?" Jay asked, pressing the issue. "You go back to Cameron and pretend like everything's okay?"
"I love Sean!" she shouted. "I love him!"
"Who you trying to convince, honey?" he asked, smirking once again.
"I don't have to take this. Not from you! I'm leaving!"
Jay refused to step aside. "You're not going anywhere."
Emma shot him a deadly stare. "So what? You're holding me hostage now?"
Jay reached out and pulled her to him. He hugged her tightly, but not to hurt her. He buried his face in her vanilla-scented hair and sighed heavily. "I know how short life can be. If I'd known I'd lose Manny so quickly, I'd have done so many things differently. It's why I rock Emily to sleep every night. It's why I'm holding you right now."
Emma closed her eyes. She tried to remember the last true hug she'd had before this one and couldn't. She felt like she and Sean were just two passing ships most of the time. Emma was pulled in a million different directions and Sean was less than understanding. But still, he didn't deserve this.
"I can't, Jay. I have to think about Sean."
Jay nodded his head, refusing to loosen his grasp on her. "I know. But right now, think about me. I need you, Emma. I need you."
"You need someone. You don't need me."
Jay pulled away from her, holding her at arms length, staring into her eyes. "You were the last person I wanted to need, Nelson."
Emma smiled. "This is so messy. Do you have any idea how very messy this will all be if we go where you're asking me to go?"
Jay nodded his head. "Sometimes life gets messy. But the messiest things are usually the best."
"What am I doing? You almost had me convinced this is something I want!" she exclaimed. She turned away from Jay, then back again. "You are so on the rebound and I am taken."
"Me, rebound? Probably. You, taken? Definitely. Us, together? World War Three! So who the hell cares?"
Emma tried to steady her breath as Jay gave her that 'come hither' look. She had been spending the last six months, since Manny's death, and the two months preceding that, with Jay. Never, in all of that time, had she felt this magnetic pull toward him. And then it struck her like lightning.
That day in the living room, when Jay had been drunk. Hugging him, with her cheek pressed against his back, listening to him sob, giving in to her own raging emotions. She had felt something that day, but had brushed it off. The night when Jay had phoned her about Emily's fever. When he helped her up and she was pulled into his muscular chest. She had felt it that day too. As she searched her memory of the last few months, Emma knew that there were plenty of times when she had felt it, that indescribable tingle, just being around Jay. When was the last time she had felt that tingle with Sean?
"You okay?" Jay asked, after several moments of watching Emma deep in thought. "You look a million miles away."
"I should be a million miles away from here. I have to go," she whispered, barely able to catch her breath.
Jay noticed the breathless way Emma spoke those words, and gave her a curious look. "You wanna sit down?"
She shook her head and swallowed, but the air just wouldn't come. She flashed back to that day, long ago, when she had had her first panic attack. She had felt like there was a weight crushing down on top of her chest. She felt that way now. Her breathing became forced and heavy, as she dropped to her knees.
Jay dropped to his too, looking fearfully at Emma. "What do I do? What do I do?" he asked her, his voice frantic.
"I...c...an't...br...ea...the. G...et...me...a...b...ag," she managed to get out, trying to steady her breath.
Jay ran to the kitchen and was back in a flash, holding a paper bag up to Emma's face, rubbing her back gently. His heart felt like it was on pause, refusing to beat until Emma's breathing returned to normal and she was okay.
When Emma's breathing finally steadied, Jay sat back against the opposite wall, and yelled, "What the hell was that?"
Emma leaned back until her back was against the wall of Jay's entrance. "I have panic attacks."
Jay shook his head. "You nearly gave me a heart attack! Don't you ever do that to me again!"
Emma dropped her head and said, "I haven't had one of those in a really long time. Don't you see? I can't do this. I need order in my messed up life."
Jay knew that Emma had had some major problems in her life, Manny having shared the details with him early on in their relationship. He knew that she struggled with anorexia and that in her counselling, she had been told stress could lead to a relapse. That was the last thing he wanted for her.
Emma got to her feet, albeit unsteadily, and opened Jay's door. He made no effort to stop her this time. She turned back to him and said, "I want you to know that I'll still always be here...for Emily. And I'm going to tell Sean. I'm so sorry."
Jay had no idea what to say, so he remained silent, as Emma walked out of the door, shutting it quietly behind her. And, as he walked back into his bedroom, collapsing onto the bed where he had lain with Emma moments before, he sighed heavily. He had thought that losing Manny was the worst thing he would ever have to go through. Now he knew how wrong that really was.
Hope you like these last few chapters. I'll try to update soon! How will Sean react to Emma's confession? Will Jay be able to stay away from Emma? Please review!
