Part VI; Hope in your blood

-o-

Penetrating, pulsating – a glorious sensation of delight. Her heart settled into being happy; easily.

Sharon felt high – felt punch drunk. There was no force holding her firmly on solid ground; she flittered in the air, weightless and without a thought to crashing or falling. The feeling was so all-consuming and so whole and full; it felt like a beacon of light inside her.

It was not unlike the sudden burst of elation you sometimes feel at seeing the sun set in an ocean of fiery colors, looking like a sea of flames and arrays of light catching on the colors of something mysterious as they paint dark clouds. This feeling painted her mind; with light and flames of vivid colors – with a hue of hope and happiness in her blood. Why any moment now and she would embarrass herself; someone would see the wide smile on her face and conclude she had finally cracked. She laughed to herself.

It was out in the open now; completely exposed and no longer half-hidden. Her personal life and her work-life now fully integrated – assimilated. Their relationship had been disclosed; it seemed almost surreal but she found it to be a marvelous form of absurdism. It some ways it felt as if the whole world had stopped turning and had gone off in a new titillating spin; yet in other ways it felt as if the world merely had righted itself and was back to normal. She had never imagined Andy and her would someday come to this; it had always seemed so fanciful and farfetched to believe that someday everything would fall into line and everything would be content in their relationship. So steadfast and unwavering that they could tell it to the whole world.

She remembered back when they had first met – before anything had happened between them – she had sometimes indulged in these fancies, wondering about how a relationship would work between them. However, he had been her friend and her partner; it had merely been daydreaming. And when they finally had gotten together it had been under the guise of secrecy and adultery. She remembered how fascinating and captivating it had been; not content though and not happy. It had been blissful but in a painful way. It had been dark and painful but it had still drawn them closer to each other. Now, however, there were no hindrances and no immediate darkness to pull them under. Now, there was just balance and harmony.

Everyone knew now. They had disclosed the nature of their relationship to their immediate superiors but it was something that would not stay behind closed doors or just on the record; it was something that would fly through central, from lips to ears – and in the end everyone would know.

The police liked to gossip; there was no circumventing that. Hell; Andy and her had done practically nothing else but gossip the three years they had gone to Joe's for coffee. Usually she would join her two boys; detectives Elliot and Jones, when they sat in their conference room with coffee and candy after a long day of work; they had plenty of gossip to tell and she knew they enjoyed telling their captain all about it. They knew others rarely gossiped with her.

Now she met other detectives in the hallways and she couldn't decide whether they knew or not. Sometimes she caught their eyes lingering longer on her but she couldn't be sure whether it was because of her new relationship status or if it was because of her silly smile. Or maybe they just liked to stare at the wicked witch. But she felt the change when she approached others; it hung in the air invisible but somehow tangible. She could almost feel the questioning in their eyes when they looked at her, feel their curiosity mingling with their apprehension when she talked to them or looked their way.

She imagined some felt Flynn the Brute as he was sometimes viewed fitted just perfectly with the Wicked Witch; she grinned – what a pair they made. She imagined no one had really considered she had a life outside upholding the rules and making everyone's lives difficult. They were probably imagining what she looked like naked; her inner voice snickered. It did not bother her, she was content. It thrummed and singed in her blood calm and light.

Her team told her the gossip was spreading through central like a horrible contagious disease. Sharon mused that there really wasn't anything else to talk about at the moment. So naturally, sudden details about the wicked witch's personal life would feel like water to all the drowning gossip-hoarding detectives. It still didn't bother her.

She wouldn't change; and she looked forward to seeing the look in people's eyes when they figured this out. Why, Captain Raydor could be in love and still be the bitch everyone detested. The wicked witch could still get laid and be a total bitch, her snide inner voice sassed. She still remembered how seven years back a sergeant had told her if she got laid regularly she wouldn't have a stick up her ass. He had been angry she had forced him to take two weeks 'vacation' – she still remembered the sudden silence in the gang unit; how everyone had cringed at the comment even though she knew they were all thinking it. She had smiled; her dark bitchy smile that let everyone know she was above them. Then told the sergeant that maybe she liked a stick up her ass – told him that maybe he should make that a three week mandatory leave. A few had laughed and the sergeant had shut his mouth, glowering and giving her a sullen look. She was used to it, to the negativity and the resentment; a comment couldn't throw her off.

Sometimes, she mused, people forgot that a person could contain more than one side in life – they forgot the complexities of human beings. They forgot she was a human being and not a police robot with a rule book. She looked forward to ruining their expectations of her.

She smiled to herself.

She felt full of energy; ready to envelope some unfortunate poor idiot into her world of happy sarcasm. Andy would call her gleeful and vindictive if he knew her thoughts; he was probably right. But it didn't matter, she was soaring.

In reality it was more like striding; striding down hallways in the search for coffee. They had run out of coffee in FID – again! – so she ventured out. She stalked in her high heels, her mind on coffee and her body thrumming along, its happiness evident in her smile. She couldn't stop it; it kept turning her lips upwards, tugging till it was a wide smile. Shit; she was going to scare someone; they would think she was plotting something. They would think she was up to something sinister, she thought. It only made her smile more.

She ended up in the break room on the floor of major crimes.

Narcotics break room, only a floor down from internal affairs, had run out of coffee as well. But she had taken an almost inner delight in the confused eyes of gruff men following her progression through the squad room of narcotics. She could almost sense their relived outtake of breath as she left without an enquiry into someone's conduct. She had given them a little wave and a smile; one of them had waved back before he caught himself.

Now she sauntered into another break room, tinkering with the thought of what if Andy was here. Oh – that would be nice. She could tell him about – but before she could finish her little daydream she was abruptly shaken out of it; she saw the lone form of Chief Johnson drinking coffee.

"Chief Johnson"

"Captain Raydor"

They acknowledged each other almost too politely; Sharon pointed to the coffee machine, "Just here for the coffee"

"Oh - ," the chief said, "Well, help yourself"

Sharon did; there was still warm coffee on. She poured a generous amount into a big mug; the flavor strong and welcome when she took a small sip. She turned her attention back to the other woman who was studying her with an inscrutable look in her brown eyes.

"Mmm, good coffee," she smiled at the chief.

The chief nodded, "Yes"

They studied each other in silence for another moment; it was on the brink of something. Either turning awkward or meaningful; Sharon couldn't decide.

"So, Lieutenant Flynn – I mean Andy, told me about him and you," the sentence seemed almost awkward when it left the other woman's lips; she looked slightly uncomfortable as well.

Sharon smiled at the chief, not sure what to reply to that statement, so she just gave a miniature nod, tilted her head to the side and regarded the blond woman.

"I didn't know you used to work in homicide," the Chief said with a bemused, curious smile.

It surprised Sharon; she had expected something entirely different from that woman.

"Yeah; Andy was my partner. We started on the force at the same time"

"Funny; he never mentioned it before."

Sharon shrugged, they had never advocated it either of them. It had been too dark and too intimate to mention casually to other people. Of course all the old detectives knew about them (except Provenza, which she always wondered about. Where had he been at that time?); but the newer ones hadn't a clue. "It was a long time ago"

The blonde woman nodded. "Well, he seems happy," she commented.

Sharon smiled; that was like a seal of approval, right. Not that she needed it; she had been on the LAPD longer than the chief. She knew more about the inner workings and the people. But Andy would be happy to know his chief approved. For him she was happy.

"Yes," she replied.

The chief smiled back at her; and there was nothing antagonistic or suspicious in her smile. Sharon smiled back as well; not an ounce of sarcasm or barely toleration in hers.

"I just have a hard time imagining you in homicide," the chief half-laughed, tilting her head still staring Sharon down.

"Yeah; I get that quite often. I remind people of a lawyer"

The chief nodded in agreement; maybe a little too vehemently for Sharon arched an eyebrow.

"So much for one's presumptions of people," the chief continued.

"Mm-hmm," Sharon hummed sipping her coffee, "I never imagined you had been a CIA interrogator when I first saw you – then you opened your mouth," she let the rest of the sentence go in silence.

They both laughed.

-o-

"She hates me," Andy sighed. "Your daughter hates me" He was standing in his boxers, hands on his hips and a defeated look on his face.

"No, she doesn't" Sharon replied even though she wasn't sure herself, "She's just – "

"She's what? Trying to make me go away?" He slinked towards the bed and then sunk down on it in a heap of long limps and a long sigh. She found him almost adorable in this pouty mood.

"She's testing you Andy; it's a family thing," she tried to reassure him as she climbed into bed with him, settling into his welcoming embrace.

He half grinned before he became serious again.

"Still Ray; she was glaring at me throughout dinner - constantly"

"She will like you, eventually. Don't worry about it"

Andy nodded but he didn't look convinced.

He was right. Lena had been eying Andy through the whole course of their dinner. Sharon wasn't sure what her daughter had been thinking. She had Steven's eyes and they had looked inscrutable. She wished Sammy had been there; it would have been easier. Sam would have been able to pull his sister into laughter, he would have engaged Andy in his stories about university and he would have sent his mother a secretive smile, letting her know how much he really understood the fragile dynamics of everything. But no, Sammy was hoarding the library at his university and studying for his exam. Just the three of them.

Andy had asked Lena questions, tried to engage her in a conversation but every question had been met with a half-nod, half-smile – Sharon had recognized it as being a polite but really half-annoyed smile.

The week before she had dragged her reluctant daughter with her on a shopping spree together with Gavin; that had exceeded all her expectations. There had been no surly teenager and Lena had actually had a good time – they had laughed, joked and bought too much. They had talked about universities and the future; Lena was looking into applying. It had been a good day; Sharon had felt closer to her daughter than she had had in a long time. They had even had a conversation about their relationship; about why it sometimes felt strained and how they could improve it.

Sharon had thought it would be time to introduce Andy officially to her daughter; instead of being that shadow in her mother's life she heard about occasionally from her brother.

But dinner had been awkward. It had consisted of Lena firing questions, Andy looking uncomfortable and Sharon trying hard not to slink away.

"I thought you couldn't fraternize with the people you work with, mom?" Lena had said to them over a spoon of soup, while still eying Andy, her tone almost reproachful.

"We are not in the same chain of command, so it's not really a problem" Andy had replied with a lenient smile. Sharon had only looked at her daughter, contemplating what was upsetting her.

Her daughter had hummed; that little affirmative hum that put Sharon on edge; a passive-hum that bordered on indifference. It was the one she used frequently herself but she disliked been an audience to it herself.

"Does dad know?" her clueless daughter had asked Sharon, "that you are dating and all"

"Yes," Sharon had answered her, tight-lipped and voice too clipped. Thank god, Lena was not aware of the history between her and Andy like Sam. Thank god; Steven didn't talk about Andy to Lena. But this whole degree of cross examining, it frayed her nerves.

"Just; dad said you weren't, you know dating. You seem serious about this"

Of course her father would say that; he was a prick. Sharon had tried to collect herself, to calm down – Lena was just being difficult like usual when something happened she hadn't been prepared for.

She had given Andy a small apologetic smile and he had answered back in kind.

"It's serious, Lena," she had told her daughter, giving her a smile to alleviate some of the tension.

"Isn't a Captain higher rank than a Lieutenant?"

Mercy; her daughter had been intent on ruining Sharon's self-control throughout the whole course of dinner. Thank god; it was over. Sharon missed Sam; he would have made it all easier.

She intertwined her fingers with Andy's, cuddling further into his embrace, enjoying the comforts of the silent bedroom, "Don't worry, honey," she told him, "At least Sam likes you"

Andy huffed.

"Hey; at least I like you," she joked and he laughed.

Lena would come around eventually; she just needed some time. She had never been one to take to things or people quickly. It would be alright, Sharon thought.

She kissed him, letting her hands wander down. She smiled, he would soon forget the horrible dinner.

-o-

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, =)