Stelm: This is the second and final part of The Life of a Slacker. Enjoi!


The Life of a Slacker 2

"Morning time thirdies!" I heard, waking me up from my semi-peaceful sleep as I heard the bang of pots from outside. Any normal person would have got up slowly and try to find out what was happening. Not me I hopped into action. Rolling out my bed ready for any kind of third eyed purple termite infested monster that should happen to cross me. Instead I opened my eyes to find a bucketful of water thrown in my face. Not only was it cold but was so freezing that it still had shards in it.

The shards did nothing serious. The freezing cold brought my blood temperature down to a new low. I fell to the ground and convulsed randomly. I could hear the concerned words from my roommates and the running of the people who had invaded our dorm. I figured they were fourth years since nobody else would call us a derogatory name except them who had a year on us.

I tried my best to get up but it sent me into another convulsion and I fell to the stone dorm floor. I heard a shriek outside and my vision blurred until I could not see at all. Then I started to fall into myself. Just like I felt every time I…

2 hours later…

"It was just some annoying fourth years trying to get their last little fun in before they have to deal with actual mages in the real world" I explained to Tilli who looked genuinely concerned as we waited for our enchanting ability to be tested. We had just been told to enchant a spear with frost damage. It was strange seeing as spears were a weapon rarely used in Skyrim. Must be because most of its nord inhabitants were too fond of swinging huge battle axes around to try anything different.

Well anyways I knew I would be lucky if the stick and spearhead could freeze ice cold water. I sucked at enchanting without soul gems. The whole raw magic ordeal was so confusing to me. To me all magic was only a means to an end. You need something burned, use incinerate. You need something moved, use telekinesis. You can't get that certain reliable feeling in your pants, use oakflesh. You need a place to sleep, conjure up a bed from the better parts of oblivion. Simple.

Raw magic was nothing but a thing of the past. Wise men had made books to teach us modern magic. Why go back to the old ways lest we end up like the long defunct Forsworn? Well anyway I had to pass this class to get my scroll of completion. That's all that mattered. Then it was off to being a hermit on some island close to somewhere like Morrowind or Argonia.

Back to the present, it was almost my turn to be examined. Our teacher used the leg of a bear rug to test to see if our spears were enchanted right. If our spears were enchanted right then the fur would be covered in a thin layer of ice when the spearhead was rubbed against it.

Even though this was a room I'd probably have to see next year it was really nice room to be in. It was a room made out of element resistant Hammerfell wood. On its walls were all sorts of notably enchanted items. There were even a few ebony armor pieces to show the college's great past of enchanters.

As our high elf professor came by our two seat enchanting metal worktable table. We had a good bit of room to work with, so did the 24 other students in the class. I tried hard to concentrate on my spear. All of them looked the same, brown wood with an iron spearhead. As I tried to concentrate I couldn't stop but taste the horrible aftertaste bone cigars had on you. I tried my first one yesterday with this wood elf guy. They smoke bone cigars with insects in the middle because of this thing called the Green Pact. Well anyways it was a new experience and it was better than I thought, it kind of gave me this upper class type feel.

I didn't have time to meditate on good times because Tilli passed the examination easily and it was my turn to be thrown into the furnace. I handed the spear to my altmer teacher respectively. The man nodded at me spinning the spear in his hands a few times to intensify the heat that was already bearing down me. I was infamous for screw ups and the whole class was looking at me or at least those who weren't conversing. Those who were paying attention however were definitely going to alert the rest of the class if I did one stupid thing. School sucked like that, you fail you get jeered, you succeed and nobody gives a mammoth shit.

"Zuvejjet I hope you realize that you are dangerously close to failing this class. No guerrilla war faring people will want you in their army if you can't manage to enchant a simple spear." The high elf said bluntly as if his statement had been nothing close to racist. It was a myth that all Argonia had in its defense were guerrilla soldiers. We had a well standing army that could crush any other in all of Tamreil. They could sure as hell take on the Aldmeri Dominion. I just wanted to take that spear and impale the Altmer right there. I was tired of people not respecting me. Too damn tired.

"That guerrilla army could triple team your high and mighty justicars in an outhouse if we wanted to!" I said slamming my fist on the table making sure the whole class heard me. It didn't take much. College students were the most rumor spreading people in the entire universe and they always needed new material.

"Zuvejjet I will not allow such balant obstruction of my class!" The Altmer said throwing my spear down dramatically, this was too much for me. I had to get out of here.

"Fuck it then!" I said flipping the table towards the Thalmor who almost got hit by the hunk of metal and all that was on it. The whole class was dead silent as I was about to leave. I got my bag and was on my way. Before I left I decided to say, "And I swear if you say anything to the higher ups I'll tell them how you disrespected my culture and way of life through racial prejudice opinion." I said intelligently adding some sarcasm to the last word. Damn I hated my culture and definitely his opinion, but I wasn't going to let a high elf say anything about anything. Whatever type of sense that made.

I went out the door and let the wind flow through my head feathers. It did little to relax me though. I was still pissed the fuck off. I just wanted somebody to say something me so I could punch them in their face so hard their facial bones would shatter. Then I would kick their ribs in. That's what I needed, some good old violence.

I was about to go and fight somebody in Riverwood who owed the boss money just to do it but I decided to just head down to the Sleeping Giant. Sven tried to talk me out of drinking too much and I listened to him. After a few drinks I decided to take a little nap. I needed the rest.

One hour later…

"Zuvejjet you're on time for a change." My professor announced as I walked in her class a few minutes before the late bell would be struck.

"Yah." I said dully as I walked in her room a little light headed.

The only people in the room this early were a few of the over achievers and that weird kid Turiaf. He was sitting at his own desk scribbling in a scroll. I heard he could write his own scrolls but I had never seen him use any of them. I would probably take that class next year. I heard it was as hard as hellfire in the middle of an Elsweyr summer.

The over achievers glared at me and I was too faded to go on any type of offensive so I just sat down at my desk. I couldn't remember a time where I had came to this class this early. With exception of maybe the first week of school, I had kept a pretty good not too late pace to my class arrival. Call it the life of a slacker if you want to but I don't give a skeever's tail.

"Jet. You asshole!" A high pitched feminine voice said coming from behind me. I turned around to see a glaring Canila.

"Good morning darling." I said getting up and sitting up on my desk as I watched Canila put her best angry face on.

"I hope you got your kicks out of it Jet. I hope you had the best of times." Canila said holding her fist tight. I figured I had sobered up enough to make a few jokes.

"I'd have a better time if we took this whole situation to another room. A room preferably with a bed." I said purposely spinning off these corny jokes to get the high elf a little bit more pissed off then before.

"Ew. Anyway I know you know Timmerman." Canila said disregarding my last statement with a wave of her hand.

"Of course! Good ole Penis Food." I said heartily laughing to myself.

"Well Penis Food is my cousin and he has friends in powerful places." Canila said looking victorious.

"I have a powerful place I'd like to put you in." I said continuing my onslaught of corny comebacks, more than a few laughs coming from the people who were sitting beside me.

"Just…Whatever. He's very protective." The Altmer said proudly as if she had just sung the Aldmeri Dominion pledge of allegiance.

"So you're cheating on me with him now?" I asked laughing and waiting on the long legged high elf to sit down. She wasn't making any good points

"Watch it Z. Watch it." Canila said and sat down just as the bell struck that started class.

Our teacher announced she was going to continue her lesson on making temporary humanlike decoys. I had it pretty locked down so I breezed by the session. Turiaf accidently summoned a dog like monster and was sent to the administrator's office. I summoned my decoy perfectly and our teacher told us that we'd have a test on the subject Fridas. That was two days away. I probably wasn't gonna study but I told myself I was.

Half an Hour later…

"Pretty damn good if you asked me." Jarod said as he destroyed his scrib jelly sandwich.

"It's disgusting. Why would somebody every try to put this on bread beside a salad of all things? Who would ever eat a pile of leaves with sauce?" Kobin asked, questioning the entire plate set up. We had decided to eat here today for no particular reason. The whole campus and then some was ours during lunch so why not utilize the grand wood indoor option?

"A good bowl of salad is something you meat eaters need to stay healthy." Ennis said as strongly as he could only to be answered by a cacophony of laughter from everyone in earshot.

"Whatever my pint sized companion." Kobin replied playfully punching Ennis in the shoulder, "Anybody hear about that Vigilaint of Stendarr assembly meeting in the Arena tommorow?"

"No but I do know that one of the new Vigilante is going to be coming here next year. Now when I say best piece of ass on this side of Tamriel…" Jarod started in a hush tone before I sent a kind slap to the back of his head.

"You don't know anything. She's some golden girl, changed a whole town from being Sanguine worshiping devils to a large temple devoted to the devines. She's a manmeri so I think we should leave this one to Ennis." I said nodding to the stubby alchemist who turned snowberry red.

"Whatever." Ennis replied simply before going back to eating his salad.

"Well you know how the song goes; I'm in Love with my Priestess!" Durabo said trying his best to sing the song only to be drowned out by the others who started catching on. The real song was I'm in Love with a Harlot and it was sung by a traveling bard named Tepanio. The bard was from the Bards College (of course) and had made a lot of money with the song being sung all throughout Skyrim. It was even rumored that he would go on tour in Cyrodiil.

The mention of priestesses reminded me of Shade who had been gone for over two weeks for a healing mission with the priestesses of Dibella. If I remember correctly she was in Hammerfell right about now. I had heard rumors that the Priestess of Dibella were experts in erotic instruction. I was almost completely sure that I would score when I met up with her, almost.

It wasn't just that with Shade though. I really cared for her. She was something special and I think I loved her. Despite the recent endeavors I found myself in. I think she cared for me a lot too. I figured since she wouldn't be back for two weeks that I could visit her. I might do it this weekend, could be fun, chilling with the Redgaurds for a couple days.

It was as I daydreamed did I hear Ennis scream. I snapped into reality to see the scream was from fright as the alchemist was thrown across the rectangular table to land on a clumsy and unsuspecting Jarod who clumsily fell on the floor with Ennis still lying down momentarily stunned. Food was all over the place.

I looked back to where Ennis sat to reveal the bully as an altmer who had just sucker punched Kobin in the face. Even in his weakened state I knew shit was about to go down. So I got on my feet and casted oakflesh on myself, readying myself to fire low level fire bolts.

I found out that all the augments weren't needed because Kobin rose up from his seat as if he was as healthy as a golden horse and hit the high elf with a wind up rock knuckle punch, with an added follow through that deformed the high elf's face to something that could no longer be easily recognized. The nord let out a bestial roar while beating his chest well... beastialy.

I let out a celebratory roar myself as people all around us backed away. That was when crisp arms put me in a lock that I knew were intent on snapping my neck. I panicked for a second before the arms got wet and soon they dissolved into…water. I couldn't believe my eyes. Who in the nirn knew how to do something like that?

I looked behind me to see a smirking Jarod, food all over his dark blue sleeveless cotton shirt and brown trousers. He looked like a mess.

"How in the hell did you pull something like that off." I asked still not believing what just happened.

"Skill and practice. That and I'm an absolute beast! Waterflesh is what I like to call it." Jarod said his smirk turning into a cheek to cheek boastful beam.

"Is he dead?" I asked bluntly looking at expanding puddle of water. If I didn't know better it looked like some uncoordinated person just spilled a glass of water.

"There a 50/50 percent chance." Jarod said guiltily.

"Don't worry he was trying to kill me. That stupid f…" I began but my insult was cut quick when I was hit with an overwhelming amount of invisible force that lifted me off my feet and into another rectangular table a good ways away from the action.

As I got to my senses I found all types of raw meat all on my body. This definitely had to be the vampy's table. They were still in the immediate area looking at me confused. I stared at them back for an awkward moment.

"Who are you, the dawngaurd?" One of the female vampys asked wiping some blood off her lips. She was quite pretty if you asked me. At least for a vampy.

I didn't have time to answer the vampy because as soon as I was about to speak the hiss of the unsheathing of a blade drew my attention to my right. The swordsman looked like any old Altmer from this school. He tried to surprise an already fighting Jarod but the Redgaurd simply disengaged from his current fist fight to conjure up two twin Hamerfell exclusive scimitars which tore the attacking Altmer up. The other assailants drew their weapons of death and shit was really about to get real.

By this time the whole crowd was stunned. A few seconds later the crowd was in hysteria knocking over tables as they stormed out the dining area. Only a few mages managed to stay but those few were met with even more Altmer assholes who began to join the dining room sword orgy (my wildest dreams coming true(hooray…)). I thought as I killed off two Altmer by engulfing them in a massive fire ball.

I looked around at the mess that was the mess hall. Mages were falling left and right. The vampy girl I saw earlier shouted, "Bo!" and went flying into a group of assailants closing in on Kobin who was savagely knocking the heads off of any fool dumb enough to go head too close to his massive battle axe that he took from over the fireplace. Who said style and function can't work in the same office place? The guy in question probably got his head lobbed off a few seconds.

That was when something weird happened. Kobins short roars became more frequent and more feral and soon I saw him grow teeth way too big to fit in his mouth. He started snapping at any assailant that got too close. That was when one of the quick bastards rush towards him only to get his legs hacked and his neck ripped savagely off by Kobin's monster like teeth. He roared loudly and before I knew it he had hair growing all over him and his face disfigured exceptionally. He roared loudly as he finished his lycanthropic transformation. The "new" Kobin was now killing foes without mercy ripping necks off like they were long taffy treats. The upstart in violence led to more and more Altmer storming in. I could only do my best to fend for myself and stay as far away from Kobin as possible.

These people were trained I knew and as I burnt the face off of one persistent assailant I knew that there would be more than three other Altmer to replace her. I looked over at the vampy chick who seemed to be in a trance she looked at the violence Kobin was starting up and on cue with the whole play of death a silent assassin came speeding up on the pale blonde headed girl and I made a move to stop the killer but found it pointless because the vampy girl just separated into several bats that flew in a pack together. The next thing you know the bats were surrounding the confused assassin who had stopped dead in his tracks as soon as the vampy girl transformed. The bats surrounded the man and he screamed his heart out, his cries muffled as the battles went in his mouth.

That was when the bats came together and out came a grotesque creature that made me piss my pants, literally. It was almost as scary as Kobin in werewolf form. I had never seen any vampire like this at all. The thing I saw in front of me was skinny and bony but taller than anybody I had ever seen before, with the exception of a giant. The thing's jaws were tight and its face contained sharp as razor teeth and pointy ears. The thing looked to have to be asexual and the only way I could tell that it was the vampy girl I saw earlier was the blonde hairs coming from its head.

The creature seemed to look at me like I looked at it and somehow the name Sarah got into my head. I nodded my head stupidly and the vampy named Sarah swiftly flew away to fight more assailants. I turned around to see the would-be-killer dead on the floor a pool of blood surrounding him, gaping holes on the side of his neck. As I focused on the dead Altmer I missed an incoming Altmer coming my way. I conjured up two daggers and sloppily parried the other killer's stab only for it to scrape my leg. I ended the man with two daggers on the base of his neck. I reeled away from the man in agony. I was soiled with urine and blood, fuck! The pain sent shockes of cold through my body and I attempted to walk it off. As I tried to walk the pain off I knew the man had to have been using an enchanted dagger because my whole body was cold. I definitely wish I paid attention in enchanting class now.

I tried to find a way out but there were even more enchantments on the doors. We were going to have to kill our way out. As soon as I turned away from the wooden door I saw an assailant flying towards me, dagger in hand ready to kill. Fuck lady luck she was screwing me like a Markath house dog.

I didn't have time to think anymore more so I just shouted. I didn't mean for it to happen I just did it. I shouted the first word of slow time, "TIID!" I had read the full words of all the shouts thousands and thousands of times. We were told to practice it ourselves. We would be seen by a professor ever so often to check on our personal progress. We were given books and a whole library of information. I had practiced this before. "KLO!"

I felt the world slow down around me; my head seemed to weigh a tone. None the less I jumped towards my assailant and grabbed his wrist maneuvering his dagger so that it would be piercing his heart when the world got normal again. The slowness of the world hurt my vision and the world seemed to be spinning. A strong chest in my pain. What? A strong pain in my head. My chest. Heart. Dagger. Not me, a Dunmer. What am I, Dunmer? Is the world like it was? Why am I floating still? Dagger on my side. Dual daggers. Poison. Death. Sarah. Life


STELM: Sorry for the wait once again, stupid internet problems. KO count for Jet around 3 about now. I'm definitely trying my best for him not be invincible but more of an underdog kind of person if you could ever imagine. I'm growing to love the lizard myself, like my grandma loved me when I was a yungin (ok not that much(matter of fact me and my grandma never got along really well( So more like you'd love your younger brother when he grew up old enough to be less annoying))). Anywho I like to pride myself on using spells nobody would really think of (like using oak flesh on your own…, like conjuring up a bed (stolen from a random guard comment), and waterflesh. I'd like to thank Cerbhail for the whole BO SU flying shout. Dawngaurd Add- On which still hasn't come out for my system (PS3), I did get a lot from elderscrollswiki so…. Yah thank them too. I plan on doing something with a bard club. Might do a little bit more with the Sarah, maybe making her a part of the guys. Tepanio is based off T-Pain and the song I'm in Love with a Harlot (politically incorrect but I doubt Tepanio give a two amulets) is based off the song I'm in Love with a Stripper.