Thank you to my wonderful beta jolinarjackson. This story wouldn't be what it is without you! On that note, I've been a bad girl and added a few things after my beta saw this chapter so all mistakes are mine.

Since this is the Florida Supercon weekend and I just adored seeing Alex Kingston in her first U.S. con, I am posting another chapter today! By the way, Alex Kingston (who plays River Song) is completely amazing, funny, and a great female role model. I wholly adore her!

Also, thank you all for your support! We are half way through this fic at this point. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the rest as much as I enjoyed writing it!


Chapter 7 – Friday Afternoon

Ianto sat outside at his favorite café, his legs twitched nervously under the round metal table but his face remained stoic (he hoped). Last night and this morning with Jack had been a whirlwind of confusion leaving him to question the entire wedding, bugger, even his entire life.

When Lisa had come home she'd talked and he'd listened, relieved to avoid further scrutiny before he decided what to do. Was Lisa who he wanted? Was Jack? Did he even know himself enough to know what he wanted? Was he even good enough to be with someone as wonderful as Lisa or Jack? And how did he manage to go from straight to seriously considering dating a man in just a few days? Better yet, to go from straight to considering leaving his beautiful fiancé for am man (for Jack)?

How did his life get so broken?

.

He came back to Cardiff four years ago for his family, actually, to take care of his sick mam after the accident. She now permanently lived in Providence Park; he hated going there but loved his mam enough to visit at least once a week. Living here also meant he was closer to his tad, the one person that he'd rather be far, far away from.

He gave up the life he wanted for a life he felt he was obligated to have. His tad was responsible for his mam's care but he just threw money at her and hoped for the best. Tad had remarried and never visited anymore. This left Ianto's confused mam in a state more often than not, especially since she had to find out every day anew that her husband had left her. Ianto hated seeing her suffer so he took the responsibility for her emotional care.

The only light in those first miserable days back then had been Lisa. When she glided into the room behind Gwen he couldn't take his eyes off her. She was beautiful. Over the next few months, he found out her inside matched the outside. She was intelligent, kind, and gentle; his life, his light, his everything.

.

Ianto sighed audibly, when did everything get so messed up? How had he been so blind to Jack's feelings for all that time? Had he been blind to his own feelings as well?

He still loved Lisa. She was his savior in those dark days and maybe that was the problem… Maybe he didn't need or want someone else to save anymore? After stripping that away, where did it leave their relationship?

Feeling unsure and confused the day before his wedding, he couldn't even find any time alone to think. A million last minute preparations plagued his mind when all he wanted was to hole up in a cave and disappear.

As thoughts of escape pestered his mind, Gwen and Rhiannon made their way through the crowd to join him for lunch.

"Ianto!" Gwen's large hazel eyes and wide gap-toothed sweet smile painfully grated at the essence of his very being. He stifled a groan as her arms enveloped him; he was not in the mood to pretend being cheerful. Not being naturally a touchy-feely kind of person, he hated being touched (except by Lisa and Jack, his subconscious whispered).

Rhi rolled her eyes. "Forgive her, Ianto, she's a little overexcited about the wedding." He'd grown up with his older sister knowing him better than anyone and he feared that she would know something was wrong by just looking at him.

As a distraction, Ianto quirked his eyebrow at Gwen and deadpanned, "Why don't you have one of your own then? I bet Rhys would happily oblige."

She smacked his arm. "Oi! I'll forgive that just for today. He'll ask… soon, I hope."

Rhys was completely in love with her, he was just having a few doubts about her ability to stay faithful after that affair she had with another copper (not Andy, to Andy's grievance). Rhys told Ianto drunkenly one night over rugby that he wanted to make her sweat for a little while longer. Ianto had suppressed a smile as he swore to keep his secret.

Rhi questioned, "Hung over from the stag night?"

"Of course, that's why it was yesterday and not tonight. Lisa would kill me if I showed up at the altar with blood shot eyes and a pounding headache; worse still, if I ruined the bloody pictures."

They talked for a little under an hour, his sisters asking questions about the wedding and honeymoon plans. He hated all the probing but at least their attention was on the wedding on not on the dark circles under his eyes or the look of complete dread in his eyes. He briefly considered coming clean and asking for advice but their giddiness, high pitched squeals, and glazed-over eyes acted as a deterrent (not that he needed much persuading).

When Gwen excused herself to the loo, Rhi's expression changed drastically. She looked at him quizzically and demanded, "What's wrong? Spill."

Ianto, who was at the same time taking a sip, spluttered, dripping coffee down his chin. "What?"

"I've known you since you were still a thought in our parents' minds, you can't hide from me. Something's wrong, I can tell. So spill and be honest, I can always tell when you lie."

Ianto stared, mouth gaping open and immobile from shock. Well, if Rhi was fishing, now she'd be sure he was hiding something.

He took a napkin and swiped at the dribble on his face, taking his time as he quickly assessed the pros and cons of honesty. Deciding on a carefully crafted half truth, he crafted his words carefully, "I think I'm having second thoughts… about the wedding."

Uncomfortable silence surrounded them as Rhi's penetrating gaze drove Ianto to avert eye contact.

"And?"

"And…" His voice did not just rise an octave higher. Nope, did not happen.

"The whole story, Ianto."

"And… I don't know if she is right for me. And…" He sounded like a child explaining away a broken window to his mother. "I kissed someone else last night." He added softly, "Ortechnicallythismorning."

"What?"

Clearing his throat Ianto repeated as he blushed, "Or technically this morning."

His confession shocked Rhi, her mouth hung wide open; she closed her mouth, opened it as if to speak, and then closed it again. This was the last thing she'd expected her little brother to declare.

Gwen, with perfect timing, plopped back down on her seat. "That loo was disgusting. Do they never clean?" She glanced between the two silent siblings as she felt the uncomfortable tension. "Uh, what did I miss?"

Ianto mumbled into his coffee, "Nothing."

Rhi forced a smile at her step-sister and spoke through clenched teeth, "Gwen, honey, can you pay for us? I have to get back to my kids and need a word with Ianto alone before we leave."

Looking uncomfortable, she grabbed her purse and got up quickly, almost knocking over her chair. "Sure."

Once they were alone again, Rhi looked sternly back at Ianto and sighed. "I can't tell you what to do but you are getting married tomorrow, Ianto. Make sure it is what you want. Getting married, if you're not ready, will just end up hurting you both in the end. Figure it out. Oh, and tell her about the kiss before you're both standing at the altar, otherwise it will come back to bite you in the arse later."

"What if she... leaves me?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Then you only have yourself to blame. You do not want to start a marriage on a lie, yeah?"

He looked resigned. "Yeah..."

"Ianto?" He looked up at her as she spoke, "Ianto, I will love you no matter what, understand? No matter how badly you ever mess up, you can always come to me."

He nodded, thankful for her unconditional love and support. And after tomorrow, she maybe the only one he'd have left.


He walked down the white, sterile halls past the nurses in light blue scrubs, doctors in white coats holding clipboards, and patients in grey robes and slippers. Smelling the pungent disinfectant, he crinkled his nose. The florescent lighting made everything look washed out, almost as if he'd entered another dimension or, more precisely, one of Dante's circles of Hell. He hated this place.

A commotion behind him sent the nurses running. Grunts, yells, and objects crashing from a fight echoed through the hall as Ianto calmly walked ahead without turning. He was too used to this. He really hated this place.

Room 456… he knew the number well. He'd been visiting her here for years since his move back to Cardiff. He hated that number, he hated that room. But he loved her, always would.

His hand trembled as he reached to knock; hesitating for a moment, he took a deep breath and rapped three times on the cold metal door.

"Come in." Her voice sounded weak, unsure.

He walked in to find her sitting on a chair facing the window in sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt holding a thick notebook in her hands, pages crinkled and falling out of their binding.

He hesitated a moment before speaking, "Mam?"

She turned slowly. "Ianto! You look…" Tears streamed down her face. He ran to her and enveloped her in a huge hug, tears glistening in his eyes. He held on tightly as if his, and her, life depended on it. She was shaking. "I know it says… says in here but… but…"

"I know mam. I'm sorry, so sorry."

"Don't be, mab. I'm sorry, I bet I put you through this every time. I'm so sorry."

They always had the same conversation, every week. But he loved her and would continue doing this for the rest of his life.

"I love you, mam."

She stroked his hair gently. "Love you, cariad."

He let her go reluctantly and moved a chair to sit closer to her. "How are you?"

He always asked the same questions and always received similar answers.

"It's weird to wake up in a foreign room every day and panic because I don't know where I am. I feel like myself for the first minute after I wake up. Then… everything is so foreign, so different. I have to have a nurse come in and explain to me about the notebook and then… I read about you and Rhi in my journal and so much has happened all these years and I missed it. I missed you growing into a man and Rhi having a family. Those kids are so grown." Her eyes glazed over for a moment before she continued, "I read about your tad... Does the divorce hurt me the same every day? It's like I can never have to time to get over it, grieve properly… there is nothing for me to move on to. Sometimes it feels so hopeless… I'm sorry for putting you through my hell, mab."

"It's ok, mam. I just love being here with you. I... I'm glad you are here, alive. I wish…" His voice broke and he fought against tears, "… that I could take your pain away. I love you and I am useless to help."

She brushed the tears from his cheeks hating seeing the sorrow in her son's beautiful eyes. "Are you sure it isn't better if I just left this world? I wouldn't be a bother anymore and this is no way to live..."

He was horrified, she didn't always sound so depressed. "No, mam! I…"

He kneeled by her chair and tightly grabbed her hands, sobbing openly because he couldn't fathom a world without his mam. He plead with her desperately, "Please, mam, I need you!"

She caressed his hair and mumbled soothing words in Welsh until his sobbing subsided, then she tried to change the topic to something happier. "Then tell me how you are doing. I read in my notebook you are getting married to…" She flipped through the pages, searching frantically.

"Her name is Lisa. The wedding is tomorrow."

"Tell me about her, tell me more than I have written here."

He smiled at her. "She is wonderful. She's kind, understanding, smart, funny, and absolutely beautiful."

"I'm so happy for you…" She paused and frowned. "Cariad, what's wrong?"

Of course, his mam would be the only other person aside from Rhi to see right through his mask. Although he was surprised his expression gave him away. "What? Nothing…"

"You just have that look, the same one you had as a child right before you secluded yourself into your thinking place. Remember that? You went there every time the bullies picked on you or after tad drank..."

He smiled. "Yeah, I remember that spot in the attic, surrounded by all those boxes where no one else could crawl into. It was nice… peaceful."

"You never wanted to talk but would just think it out up there. Do you have a place like that now?"

"No, mam. I grew up. But I guess I'm still not much of a talker."

"If you tell me I promise I won't write it down in my journal and will forget by tomorrow. The perfect sounding board…" She forced a grin for a moment before her face fell again. "So, tell me what's wrong?"

"Mam, I don't…"

"I won't remember tomorrow anyway. Please, let me help, mab. Let me be useful for something…"

It made his heart ache thinking about how she lived, finding out every day about the accident and then about the lives of everyone around her moving on while hers was stationary, stuck in that one moment in time before everything went to hell. He didn't want to push his troubles on her but hearing her plead to be useful... it was hard hearing the hurt in her voice.

Still, he knew that expression well, the one that had appeared so often on the face of the woman she used to be before the accident. It was the expression that dared him to bullshit her.

He hoped a half truth would satisfy her. "I'm just nervous about the wedding. I guess the standard cold feet of the day before."

She stared into his eyes with an intensity he hadn't seen since before the accident (like Rhi, it must be genetic). He'd been visiting her at least once a week since then and this was the most alive he'd seen her.

He broke the eye contact first, she won. "I think that maybe… I just don't know anymore."

Her voice was kind, gentle, "Don't know what?"

"Anything… everything!"

"The wedding?"

"The wedding… my life. I don't know who I am anymore or if I ever knew to begin with, much less what I actually want."

"Cariad, I'm sorry life hasn't always been good to you but all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy."

"I just don't know what will make me happy. I love her and I think I want a family with her someday, but then there is also someone else that I have feelings for that I think I may love. But I am not even sure which one is right for me. Or even if either… I just don't know."

She reached out and hugged him. "Do what you feel is right in here." She placed her hand on his heart. "And not up here…" She moved her hand to his head. "…because you always think too much, mab."

"If only it was that easy…"

"It is, fy mhlentyn. Just may take some practice listening to hear."

"I don't have the time to… practice."

"Then ask yourself if you can say the marriage vows to this woman tomorrow and mean every single word?"

He sighed, embarrassed that his mam had to see him this messed up. He couldn't even look her in the eye. "I honestly don't know."

She caressed his arm. "Then may I suggest you don't make promises you may not be able to keep?"

Was it really that simple?

They continued to talk for another hour about everything and nothing at the same time, avoiding difficult topics and issues.

He did want a family; he saw himself with a wife… maybe a wife… and kids… well, maybe kids. He couldn't have kids with a husband, could he? Why was he even thinking about that? He wanted a family with Lisa and he wanted kids with Lisa.

Lisa.

Only Lisa.

Well, maybe.