She thought the mud was fitting, like the rain it matched her mood. After coming to the realization that she needed to talk to Derek she had felt better, well...at least a little bit. Like the sun peeking out after a summer shower she felt a tiny bit of hope flicker into her heart.
Once she pulled up and was sitting in front of his trailer however, the clouds returned, casting doubt over her new found brightness. "What am I doing here?" She asked the empty jeep trying to figure out what possessed her to make the hour drive to his land.
He was probably sleeping...or busy...or doing whatever it was Derek Shepherd did without Meredith in his life. She had to talk to him, there was no other way. She couldn't not sleep anymore, it was killing her. She knew it was only a matter of time before the physical consequences took a toll on her body. The last thing she needed was a hospital stay...then Derek and everyone else would know she was in no way ok.
A bundle of nerves grew in the pit of her stomach creating the urge to throw up. What would he say? Would he even give her the time of day? He had a new girlfriend...a new her...maybe she was just being selfish...could she really go and tell him she didn't want to loose him for good?
Both parts of her brain taunted her and told her what to do. They invaded her thoughts and it wasn't until she looked at the clock and realized she had sat there for over 20 minutes that she finally took a deep breath and stepped out onto the muddy earth.
Her shoes were ruined, that was a sure thing. There was barely any traction as she slid across his make shift driveway and stepped up onto the porch. Meredith had tracked mud everywhere, but she didn't really care. "Derek can deal with it." She thought bitterly, and then shook the thoughts away remembering that she was there to talk...not fight.
To the left was the small table that she had placed his bag of clothes and odds and ends on two weeks earlier. She remembered the tears that fell from her cheeks that day. Dropping off his clothes felt like the last tear in their fragile relationship. The end. They were no more. The hopelessness she had endured since that day was the reason she standing in the same spot now. She had to make it end.
He had to know he was the love of her life. He had to know she wanted it all, the house, the kids, the dog. If it meant being with him, she would face her fear of commitment.
Realizing once again she had stood outside for way too long she finally lifted her head high and knocked on the small tin door. She had never actually knocked...without just walking straight in afterwards and it felt odd to stand and wait for him to respond. Her stomach rolled and rolled around making the seconds seem like hours.
Finally just as she was about to give up and run for the hills the door hesitantly opened and hopeful green eyes were met with a pair of awkward brown ones. Rose. Rose. Rose. The name fluttered through her mind like poison.
Without a sound she looked at her replacement up and down taking notice of Derek's long sleeve shirt she had on that barely reached her thighs. Suddenly it all clicked. Rose was naked...half naked...in Derek's clothes...Derek had sex with Rose. She hadn't even allowed herself to think of him having sex with her...and now that images were there popping into her brain before she could stop them.
"Oh, Meredith...what can I do for you?" Rose's awkward question shook her out of her menacing thoughts. Was Rose living with Derek? She grew suddenly angry over the fact that Rose was standing with her hands on her hips like she owned the place.
They had been broken up a month...barely a month..and already he had moved on so completely that Rose felt 100 percent comfortable at his trailer. She didn't want to reply, she wanted to run, and never look back...but that would show weakness, and she would be damned before she let Rose see her upset.
"Oh...um..nothing. I needed to...ask him something but I'll just catch up with him later..." She lied, a big giant lie that didn't even sound like her own voice.
"He's in the shower." Stated the other woman, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Do you want me to tell him you stopped by?" Rose smiled, acting nice, but that's all it was..a big giant act. Both girls could have won Emmy's for the parts they were playing.
"Oh...no. That's fine." Meredith turned away without giving Rose a chance to reply and practically ran to the car. She couldn't believe she had been so stupid. Of course Rose was there. He was happy...he had truly moved on. All the rumors she had heard about him just using Rose to get over her weren't true after all.
It wasn't until she drove away out of sight that what had happened really sank in. He HAD moved on. There was no hope left. It was like her heart had broken into a million pieces and she wasn't sure how to fix it.
The tears that so badly wanted to fall never came, she wasn't able to cry, there were literally no tears left. Off in the distance, to her right she could see dump drunks carrying dirt away. Taking a closer look she could see construction workers...and her breath hitched.
He had started his dream house. The house he had planned perfectly for the two of them. The house of their dreams...she had been right. It wasn't her she wanted...but the image. She was no longer a part of his dream.
Without looking back she headed off the land as fast as her muddy tires would let her. She wasn't ok, she couldn't even pretend to be. Instead of heading to work like she should have, she headed straight to Joe's...to drown her sorrows away. She had sworn to herself she wouldn't do it, she would be strong and brave and not find a way to numb the pain. But all that shattered with her heart.
While Meredith was on her way to Joe's Derek was just stepping out of the shower and trying to figure out why the scent of lavender was blowing through the trailer.
