DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GUNDAM
Warning: Some of the lowbrow humor in this fanfic may offend you, since it pokes fun of incest and lolicons. There are also a few Gundam jokes that some of you won't get.
CHAPTER 6
SANC KINGDOM
PEACECRAFT HOUSEHOLD
9: 45 P.M.
"I see." Relena Peacecraft said after listening to Saji's story. The two of them are inside her office while the others are waiting on the first floor lobby. "And you need this magical orb to resurrect this Kotonoha Katsura girl's friends and ex-boy toy?" She asked and Saji nods. "Is negotiation is out of the question?" He nods again. "Oh dear…that is indeed troubling. I surely do pity you, Crossroad-san."
"So will you help me then?"
"I'm so sorry but I sold the magical orb for some photographs that I was interested in a few weeks ago."
"What?"
"I'm so sorry, Crossroad-san." She smiled apologetically.
"Damn it, what should I do? How can I save Nee-san and Louise now?"
"Well…I mean I didn't know that thing was valuable. I don't know what to do with it and it was only gathering dust in the attic, so I might as well get rid of it."
"It's weird…why would you would sell something like a really valuable looking piece of artifact for a couple of photographs? Are these rare photos of a really important person? Like a signed framed picture of Zeon Zum Daikum…or that extremely hard to find picture of Master Asia kicking the ever holy crap out of a mobile suit using only his underwear."
"Uh…err…well it's nothing like that." She chuckled nervously. "It's more like an obsession of mine. It's a private matter and of course I can't tell you or else I have to kill you and your friends and dispose your bodies." She laughed.
"Of course that's a joke. You're not really gonna kill us if something like that happened since you're Miss Relena Peacecraft, the biggest supporter of "Total Pacifism". The same Total Pacifism that was advocated by the original Heero Yuy and carried over to your bloodline" Saji said as he laughs with her.
"Of course, I mean what kind of sick monster I am?" She said and repeatedly pats Saji's shoulder. Due to her rapid movement, several photographs of Gundam pilot Heero Yuy in compromising and embarrassing positions fell from her jacket."
"Man, those are some steamy photographs you got there. Whoa…there's even one where he trims his-
"Oh my…how clumsy of me." Relena quickly rushes to the floor and starts picking up the pictures. "Wow…you totally saw them."
"I sure did." Saji smiled.
"I mean even after I said I'll kill you if you ever found out about this."
"And I did…but of course you're joking right? I mean it's obvious to the world that you're stalking Heero. I mean I'm sure a lot of people know how messed up the Wing fandom is but…"
"…"
"You were totally serious about the killing me and my friends part, were you?" He said as he slowly stands up from his chair.
"Saaaaaaaji-kun…." She hissed as her face grows darker.
LOBBY
Meanwhile, the others are relaxing on the lobby area. Lucrezia Noin and Relena's faithful servant, Pagan are busy entertaining the guest. Tea was served and several delectable pastries are laid out on a small coffee table. Amuro is looking at himself on the mirror and repeatedly murmurs to himself how awesome he is. Setsuna is quietly nibbling on a croissant while Shinn and Lockon are having a game of chess. The pieces were modeled after AC era mobile suits, including the Gundam Wing Seraphim from the obscure manga, Tiel's Impulse. If you push the small button on the middle of the Wing Seraphim chess piece, it will play a record of Tiel Noembreux singing a choir song. It made Shinn blush but somehow disturbed Lockon. "Okay I was talking to the manager of the Hooters branch in the Sweetwater colony. I was recommending him if he hire girls from the nearby Junior High, I'm sure business would start booming. Instead of thanking me, did you know what that mook did? He called the cops on me! I mean I was only sharing business advice and he called the cops on me." Char said. He and George de Sand are drinking tea on the corner of the lobby, away from everybody.
"Hmmm…I truly sympathize." George said as he slowly sips his tea while nodding in agreement. "For that guy anyway."
"Oh this is just…you're siding with him?"
"Oh course I will side to the person who is less likely to be jailed for pedophilia."
"It's Ephebophilia! There's a difference!"
"Oh la la…" George sighed while rubbing his temples.
KEEERIIIING!
Char suddenly stands up, everybody stop what they're doing and look at him with worried and surprised eyes. "My Newtype Flash is tingling! I think Saji-kun is in danger!"
"Help me!" Saji screamed while running down on the stairs. A crazed and murderous Relena is chasing him with a large hunting knife.
"Stop running so I can cut your intestines to ribbons!" She hissed. Noin and Pagan both grab her from behind, struggling to restrain her.
"Lockon!" Saji cried out and embraces him for comfort. "She's going to kill me! She said after I'm dead she's doing to do things to my corpse. Things that involve a pair of pliers and a DVD copy of G-Saviour!" He sniffed.
"You heartless and evil bitch!" Shinn said as he points to Relena.
"Let me go! I'm gonna kill him! I'm going to rip out his ribcage and wear it as hat while I play football with his still-beating heart outside!" She struggles but Noin's firm grasp still holds.
"Relena-ojousama! Please restrain yourself. This is not how a lady acts." Pagan pleaded.
"Is this because you saw her pictures of Heero?" Noin asked Saji. He nods while wiping his tears.
Surprised, Relena drops her knife and looks at Noin with surprised eyes. "You know?" She gasped. "You know that I…with Heero?" She asked and Noin smiles while nodding.
"Well…everybody knows." Pagan added.
"They do? They know that I stalk Heero Yuy because I'm obsessed with him?"
"You what?" Shinn asked.
"Well…maybe he doesn't know…uh…well he now knows." Pagan chuckled nervously. Relena picks up the knife and throws it at Shinn. He quickly ducks to avoid it, barely missing an inch. The knife sticks on the wall, ripping the wallpaper and the painting besides it drops on the floor because of the impact.
"What the hell, bitch?! Are you trying to kill me?"
She pulls out a switch knife and waves it around at Shinn's face. "Do you want me to cut you? Do you? I'm gonna cut you and make you bleed all over, ya sorry piece of crap." She said while acting like a gangster.
"Isn't Pacifism awesome?" Lockon whispered to Amuro and he nods in agreement.
"Oh how about I rip open your belly and pull out your intestine. Then I'll play them like fiddle until I'm covered with all of your blood while laughing maniacally!"
Lockon scratches his head and clears his throat "I know you're a little bit loose in the head but this-
Relena suddenly kicks him on the balls. He goes down on his knees, holding his crouch and screaming in pain. Again, Noin and Pagan try to restrain Relena as she repeatedly kicks Lockon on the ground while laughing like crazy. "Oh fudge you guys and fudge this." Shinn said and he jumps outside through the window, breaking the glass. He runs across the lawn but doesn't notice the parked Taurus in front of him. Everybody flinches when he painfully bumps into the mobile suit, rendering him unconscious.
"Okay I had enough. Sit down!" Noin said in a stern voice and drags Relena to a nearby chair. She forces her to sit down while Pagan helps Lockon to back to his feet. "Everyone knows that you're obsessed with Heero. Heck even the most obscure Gundam characters know." She then points outside; Jack Bayard passes by while humming a Lacus Clyne song. He stops and waves to everyone, they all wave back and he continues on his merry way. "See…I told you."
"That doesn't prove anything…and wasn't that guy trespassing inside the manor grounds?"
"Okay everybody shut up! SHUT UP!" Char yelled. "I'm sure Saji told you the reason why we're here. We only need the magical orb and nothing more. We don't care about your obsession, we just want that magical orb so we can resurrect Kotonoha's friends and somehow convince her to let go of Saji's girl friend and sister."
"Come to think of it." Relena wondered. "You guys have like really powerful mobile suits…I mean you're Char Aznable the leader of the Neo Zeon army. You also got the legendary ace pilot Amuro Ray and that moron who ran outside is a ZAFT ace and a member of FAITH to boot. You could all just gang up on her and rescue Saji's love ones."
"…"
"You know she is right." George said.
"I do know how to contact Miss Kotonoha." Lockon added while scratching his chin. "I mean I could have asked Wang Liu Mei to track her down." Saji then slaps his forehead in frustration while everybody laughed nervously.
"Well…uh…since we've already gone this far, we shouldn't deviate from the plan now, should we?" Char smiled. "Anyway, we just want that magical orb and we're out of your hair."
"Ummm…Char-san, you see…we have one little problem."
"And what is that?"
"She doesn't have the magical orb anymore."
"What!?"
"I sold it." Relena said and she stands up. Her murderous intent now gone and she's back to her normal self. "I've sold it to a man named Matias Adukarf. You see he employs a photojournalist and the pictures I got were done by him."
"Where could we find this Adukarf dude?" Amuro asked.
"I'll write down his address." Relena then picks up a small notebook on the small table near the front entrance. She pulls out an expensive looking pen and writes it down. She rips out the page and hands it to Saji.
"Say…does anyone notice that it's getting a bit foggy outside." George said while looking outside. Shinn was still knocked out cold and is lying on the lawn.
"Oh…shit."
"What? What's going on?" Noin asked, growing a bit cautious.
"If there's suddenly a fog then…"
"Ero-zombies!" Char screamed while pointing outside. Several of the Sanc Kingdom's residents, now turned to perverted zombies, pound the manor's front gates, trying to enter.
The phone rings and Relena picks it up. "Hello? Oh Mr. Mayor. Fog covering the whole kingdom? People suddenly acting like perverts? What? Yes, I'm safe and I'm with guests. What did you say? Phone sex with you? No, I don't want to." She then hangs up, slamming the phone down. "Looks like the several places within Sanc Kingdom are affected and it also got the mayor."
"You gotta be kidding me?" George exclaimed.
"Relena-sama, what should we do?" Noin asked as she watches the zombies struggling to break inside.
"Saji-kun, may I have a word with you for a second." Pagan whispered to Saji. He nods and both of them go to a corner. Pagan also signals Noin and she joins them. "There's a hidden passage leading outside under the basement. If you use that, you can escape safely. I ask you to take Relena-sama with you while we fend off these fiends."
"What about you guys?"
"We have no choice." Noin said. "Relena-sama's safety is our number one priority. Don't worry we'll pull through somehow."
"I…I understand." He replied. Saji then approaches her and grabs her hand. "I'm sorry." He apologized. He then turns to everybody and smiles. "There's an escape route down below. So we're moving out!" He shouted and ran, dragging along Relena.
"Wait…what the hell are you doing?"
"Let's get the fudge outta here!" A conscious Shinn yelled as he enters the mansion again by jumping through another window. Saji kicks open the door leading to the basement and runs down the stairs. Everybody follow, leaving Noin and Pagan to provide cover for their escape. Amuro is the last one to enter the basement, before he steps inside; he turns around and does a thumbs-up to Noin and Pagan.
Noin smiles at Pagan when the zombies finally crash the gate open. "Well…let's do this."
"Let's indeed, milady." Both of them go outside to fend off the zombies.
20 MINUTES LATER…
OUTSIDE, AT THE REAR OF THE MANSION
The gang ends up near a forest behind the mansion. Thankfully, the fog didn't affect that area. Saji sadly looks back at the mansion and sighs. Relena suddenly grabs his collar and angrily screams at him. "Why did we leave Noin and Pagan?" She demanded.
"Because they were upholding they're duty as your guardians." Char told her.
"But those two are like my family…I couldn't abandon them like that."
"I'm sorry, Princess." Lockon said. "But it will be an insult to them if we go back. Those two are doing they're best so you can escape safely. I think it's best to stick with us and find the source of this problem."
"I'm sure they will be fine. Mademoiselle Noin is a fine lady. I truly respect her." George said.
"Damn it." She cursed softly. "Fine. I'm sticking with you assholes but if something happened to them I swear to God I'm going to slowly skin you guys alive."
"It's a deal then, princess." Lockon smiled and pats her head.
KA-BOOM!
An explosion rocks the place, suddenly a red Enact descends from the sky. The mobile suit slowly lands in front of them and the cockpit hatch opens. Ali Al Sarshes comes out and is now sporting a Neo Roanoke mask. "Why is that guy still alive?" Shinn asked.
"Last time I check you can't survive being blown to bits by a bazooka."
"AND WHY IS HE WEARING A GODDAMNED MASK!?" Char screamed while shaking his fist. "Your mobile suit is also red! Are you trying to piss me off or something?"
"Impudent fools." Ali laughed. "You thought you have gotten rid of me! Well you're wrong! I'm back and better than ever. Mitsuo Fukuda and his wife retconned my death." He then pulls out a small monitor-like device. "If you look closely, the scene where Lockon Stratos was picking up my head, Mitsuo and company now erased that scene, like how they removed Mu's floating battered helmet on the Gundam SEED third special edition movie! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Oh my God, he's in league with Fukuda!" Saji gasped. "You bastard!"
"Now…it's time to finish the job. Kidnap Saji and kill all of you losers."
"Is this the guy responsible for those ero-zombies?" Relena asked Char.
"I don't think so." He replied.
"DIE!" Ali screamed. Everybody goes into a defensive position when a bright light suddenly appears. The mysterious magical girl…err…woman who saved the gang a few days ago appear out of nowhere. She goes between them and points her wand at Ali.
"By the power of bishoujo games, I shall punish you!" She proclaimed. A window bar appears below Ali and inside is selection of four choices.
A. Ask if he's doing anything on Sunday.
B. Encourage him to do his best on the upcoming school festival.
C. Stick it in! Stick that bitch in!
D. Transport that motherfudger away!
She quickly chooses D and her wand blast Ali with a mysterious blue light. "What is this? What's going on!?" He asked while panicking and the blue light transport Ali somewhere, leaving the Enact and his Neo Roanoke mask.
"Whoa…what the fudge just happened?" Shinn asked.
"It's you." Saji said as he approaches the mysterious woman. "You saved us again."
"Saji-kun, have you collected all of the magical orbs?" She asked softly and not even facing him.
"No…not yet. We're about to find the last one."
"It seems this place has also been affected by the ero-gas."
"Uh…Miss magical girl, are you absolutely sure this poison gas has nothing to do with Kotonoha Katsura?" Lockon asked.
"Positive."
"So who's doing all this? It can't be Doctor S. I mean she's already dead and we're like trying to resurrect her right?"
"I'm still looking into that." She replied. "I must go now."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mon Cheri." George said. "I mean you can't just appear and leave like that. Surely, you know a lot about this whole situation. I think it's time you tell us everything, starting with who the hell are you and how are you connected with all of this?"
She bonks him on the head with her wand. "I will tell you everything when the time is right. Right now, you people should focus on the last magical orb."
"Oh another question please." Shinn said as he raises his hand.
"What?"
"What did you do to Ali?"
"Oh…I transported him somewhere."
"Where?"
"Someplace better."
HINAMIZAWA VILLAGE
Ali Al Sarshes is on the middle of the village, surrounded by all the seven principle cast of Higurashi no Koro ni. He backs away as Keiichi Maebara swings his bloody bat. "Oh crap this won't end well." He said when Rena attacks from behind with her machete. They all gang up on him and we could hear fleshy wet ripping sounds as they slowly tore Ali apart.
"Hau! I want to take it home!" Rena squealed as she runs around with Ali's dismembered head.
BACK TO OUR IDIOTIC HEROES…
The magical girl suddenly looks up on the sky when a squad of Jet Windams hover above them. "It looks like he wasn't alone."
"I knew something was up when he was wearing that mask."
"He did mention Fukuda." Amuro added.
"Looks like they got Ali again." A Windam pilot said. "Fukuda-sama won't be please with this. He spent a lot of money ret-conning that jackass' death."
"Don't worry…I'll handle them." The pilot of a mysterious orange Windam said. "I won't let Fukuda-san down." He laughs and removes his helmet. It was none other than T.M. Revolution!
"Aw crap…this looks bad." Relena said.
"Prepare yourselves." Char muttered when the mobile suits start charging towards them.
BERLIN
FOREST, NEAR A LAKE
Two ZAFT Green Coats step out from a military jeep while carrying fishing gear. The lock the car and continues towards the lake. The city ruins can be seen along with the wreckage of the Destroy Gundam that nearly annihilated the Western Eurasian region. It was unclear why the ZAFT forces stationed there didn't remove the Destroy Gundam. Maybe it serves as a painful reminder that they're asses got kicked by the love child of the Psycho Gundam and the Big Zam but who knows? "Such a peaceful day." One of the ZAFT soldier said as he casts out his fishing line.
"Yup. Even though it's a bit cold and snowy, this is a good day to fish." The other soldier said while nodding in agreement.
"Whoa!" The ZAFT soldier said when his fishing rod starts moving. "It looks like I got something and it's big." The other helps him out as they pull their catch. A large ice block comes out of the water and the soldiers stumble on the snowy bank.
"What the hell is this?"
"It looks like ice…wait a minute…something…no someone is inside!" Suddenly the ice block starts shaking and slowly crumbles. A shivering hand pops out and the soldiers hug each other in fear. A wet and shivering Stellar Loussier breaks free from the ice and the two soldiers flee in terror.
"Oh Stellar is so cold." She said while looking around. "Stellar wonders where she is. Wait…Stellar remembers…Stellar was piloting big mobile suit to destroy monsters and Freedom attacks Stellar. Then Stellar got wounded and fainted, Stupid Shinn thought Stellar is dead so he must have somehow buried Stellar here. Doesn't Shinn know Stellar was just seriously wounded since Freedom only hits chest cannon not cockpit. Maybe Shinn still thinks of his dead sister and somehow…No!" She shakes her head. "There is a good reason why Shinn did that to Stellar. Anyway, Stellar needs to find Shinn." She looks around still shivering from the cold. "I wonder how Stellar should escape…" She looks at the lake and thinks. "But Stellar wonders how she survived under there…must be all those yummy body enhancing chemicals they pump inside Stellar's body. Oh well…must find Shinn." And she merrily hops away.
NOTES:
Higurashi no Koro ni - a violent anime based from a video game.
Bishoujo games - Japanese dating sim games. Most of them have erotic content.
