Disclaimer: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Things to know: Two-parter. AU where there is no Chimera Ant arc (and Gon and Killua don't part)
Denial
The refusal to acknowledge the source of distress.
At thirteen, Killua will tell anyone and everyone who asks that they're best friends. That's it, and nothing else. He's confident in that answer, believes it in his very soul because he knows Gon and (more importantly) he knows himself. He would know if he had a crush on his best friend, thank you very much, and no amount of eye rolls from his friends isn't going to change the truth.
Leorio doesn't believe him. Kurapika doesn't either, but he has the good sense to stay silent and not poke the bear. Leorio, on the other hand, doesn't just poke the bear. Oh no. He beats it with a dull stick over and over every time Gon and Killua visit.
"We're friends!" Killua will practically hiss at the med student, resisting the urge to break something.
And Leorio? He'll simply raise an eyebrow, grin a little with disbelief clear on his face, and say cryptically, "For now."
Then Killua will just roll his eyes and stomp off to a different part of Leorio's apartment. Usually he goes to Gon and silently sulks next to him, wearing a frown until his friend finally manages to distract him, but other times he goes to be alone. And when he's alone, sometimes a little inkling of doubt works its way in, and it's all he can do to not tear his hair out as he painstakingly runs through his feelings, all the time he's spent with Gon, Gon reactions, Gon's expressions, turning everything over as he searches for meanings and truths and possibilities that may not even exist.
Not once though, not once does Killua ever come to the conclusion that he and Gon are more than friends.
But then puberty kicks in and everything goes to hell.
Everything.
First off, all training they had before seems basically useless. Forget pulling off the swift grace of assassination. Killua shoots up like a weed, and his hands become full just trying to keep his feet from tripping over themselves. Then there's the fact all his favorite clothes are too small, he's hungry all the time, and his Nen is going insane. He tries to use his lightening and ends up shorting out an entire city by mistake. Don't get him started on his cracking voice. Even his stellar emotional control is starting to completely fail him. It's all the teen can do to keep from snapping at almost anyone who comes within three feet of him, but he manages to keep his mouth shut most days.
Gon isn't fairing too well either. With his Nen going haywire, every single attack is destructive and uncontrollable. He does manage to escape the curse of lanky limbs, growing at a bit more proportional rate than his friend's weed-like growth, and he still maintains enough coordination to have a decent fight. No, his setback's a bit more…problematic than a long period of uncoordinated clumsiness.
If people thought Gon was unpredictable before, he's practically chaos incarnate now. Unlike Killua, who's still very good at controlling his emotions (for a hormonal teenager anyway), Gon blows through his like a storm. Everything is felt to an extreme. Happiness is a face-busting smile that leaves people eating out of his hand just to bask in the glow. Anger is one fight away from mass property damage. Joy is gut-splitting laughter that manages to get even the most humorless people to join is…unpleasant for everyone involved.
Namely Killua.
The number of people asking if they're dating sky rockets over the next few years, but Killua refuses to amend his answer. So neither he or Gon have never had any girlfriends even though they're fifteen now. So they've spent years together attached to the hip. So they're basically dependent on each other. There are a million points people bring up, but Killua always responds the same way.
"That doesn't mean we're, you know… in love and stuff." Killua will say defensively. "It doesn't mean anything." Most people hear the tired tone in his voice and assume he's just tired of repeating himself. And they aren't wrong. Killua has to repeat it to himself daily. When they hold hands or linger just a bit too long when patting each other's shoulders or even when Gon starts pressing him against a wall, he reminds himself it means nothing. A kiss means nothing, the hand gently running over his stomach means nothing, and the other hand fiddling with his shorts means nothing either.
(Lying to himself isn't has hard as he thought it would be. He'd always been a good liar.)
At twelve, the line between friendship and acquaintance had been sketchy to Killua at best. It took Leorio practically screaming at him and Gon traveling miles to get him that finally made Killua realize hey, Gon is his friend!At sixteen, the line between friendship and love (or lust or whatever the hell was going on) is basically invisible, and Killua isn't sure which side of the line he's on or if he's just tripping over the line or what. Suddenly analyzing his own feelings is impossible, and when his mind tries to sort through the possibilities of things that could happen, when he starts thinking about Gon in any context that isn't friendship…let's just say Killua always ends up unable to look Gon in the eye for days.
But Gon? He's… well, Gon as far as Killua can tell. Nothing's really changed since about him since they were young except he touches Killua more, which just scrambles the pale boy up even more. It could mean so many things, and Killua can't make any definite conclusions.
Maybe if Gon would say something! An "I love you" or a "you're my friend." Just something the Zoldyck can use to pin exactly where they are on the sliding scale of friends and lovers. Too bad Gon's become strangely quiet on specifics. Any introduction is a simple name. No more "this is my best friend" tact on when they meet someone new. It's apparently up to the onlooker to decide now, which definitely doesn't help since opinions vary.
As much as he wants to blame his friend, Killua knows he does shoulder some blame. He's had opportunities to stop the whole thing. Hell, he can still stop it. Even with his motor skills lacking, it doesn't mean his senses have slowed down. He knows the days Gon's most likely to do something. There've been countless when Gon was leaning in he could've stopped it, put up his hands and pushed him away, but he didn't.
It's not like Killua minds that much… and it isn't like he can't say no to Gon. He'd stopped him on more than one occasion and Gon had backed off willingly, but those moments were far and in between. They don't talk about it at all, but it's not like they put a ban on the subject. All Killua would have to do was tell Gon to lay off, and Gon would. But Killua won't.
Killua'd do basically anything for Gon, regardless of the circumstances, but, when it comes down to it, he doesn't know what he wants to do himself. What could he do? Date Gon? Tell Gon he maybe sorta liked him more than friends (tell him he loves—)? Saying it out loud in an empty room is mortifying enough, thank you.
Then he has consider that maybe Gon doesn't want to. Maybe Killua's an outlet until Gon starts dating. Maybe it really means nothing.
And that, more than anything, scares the crap out of him.
Gon is Killua's most important person. After years together, calling him the center of Killua's world isn't that much of an exaggeration. He doesn't expect to be the center of Gon's, but he's lying if he says the thought of Gon getting someone else someday isn't frightening.
...
...
But that's how it is with best friends, right? The fluttery feeling in his gut is natural. The reason he doesn't mind— or possibly likes— Gon kissing him is simply his own indifferent hormones reacting to the given stimulus. The pit in his gut when he thinks of Gon with anyone (anyone else besides Killua) is the same, simple fear anyone would feel in the face of abandonment.
When someone outright asks Killua about their relationship, his answer is always best friends. That's it, and no one questions him, not even himself most days.
Killua's always been a good liar after all. He just never realized how gullible he can be.
