December
Although Alice had been the one to find me, she did not come to offer her presence as the others did. She did not want to comfort me, she wanted to argue with me. Force me to end this long misery and go back home. The others refused to allow her to add to my suffering and told her not to bother me. I didn't think it would make a difference. I had no intentions of going back. Heaven was closed to me. Even if I went back, my false words had driven her away. As I had intended.
I relived our summer together. Warm days spent in the sun, quiet nights in her room, lying with her in my arms. I could feel again the healing power of her presence. How she had made me whole before I even knew I was incomplete. I had been like a man, blind from birth, not realizing what I had been missing. Suddenly I could see – the world had color, light. Now I had gouged my seeing eyes out, but the darkness was no longer comforting. It was terrifying.
A sudden image of myself in Bella's room, begging her forgiveness entered my head and I moaned. The very thought of being in her presence again was pure joy. If I could just make her understand why I had left, why I had lied, that I had lied, that I needed her, loved her, would always love her… would she take me back?
I cried out and clenched my fists. The thought held so much allure for me. She had always been so quick to forgive me before. When I told her of my past, confessed my worst sins to her – my initial and constant desire to kill her, my murderous years when I defied Carlisle – she would offer her gentle understanding and forgiveness. Would she be capable of forgiving even this? The lie that I didn't want her?
I shook my head violently. Forced upon myself the image of Bella lying amidst broken glass, bleeding. I was dangerous. I was not safe for her. She should be free to live a life without the constant threat of a vampire – a family of vampires – who might kill her at any moment. A vampire who claimed to love her, yet always had to fight the desire to kill her. She was better without me, safer.
"Edward." Alice came to sit beside me. "Carlisle and Esme are hunting. They made me promise not to bother you, but you need to hear what I have to say!"
"Go away, Alice." My voice was unemotional, an automatic response.
"No, Edward, you listen to me. This can't go on! You can't survive without her. I see what it's doing to you to try. But you aren't just hurting yourself, you are hurting everyone involved, all of us and Bella, too."
My head snapped up and I glared at her, snarling, "You leave Bella alone, Alice!"
Her voice was calm as she spoke again, "I have been."
"Good." I stared back out at the sea.
"But just because I'm not watching, doesn't mean I don't see. She needs you just as much as you need her. You two belong together and… I'm afraid for her." Ignoring my pained cry, she ran through her visions of the ever changing future in her mind. I could see Bella, her face unhappy, going through the motions of living, then nothing. Over and over, her unhappy face flashed in my mind, then disappeared.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I leapt to my feet and advanced on her, furious. "I know that I hurt her, do you really think I need to see it? Of all the things I have to see right now, do you think that watching Bella suffer is going to help? She has to move on! She has to have a chance at happiness, at a future, at a life!" I was raging at her, beyond reason, not aware that Emmett and Jasper had appeared to grab my arms, preventing me from attacking her.
"Whoa, Edward, calm down!" Jasper was furious.
"Stop! Edward, stop this!" Emmett was grunting, straining against me.
"That's my point, Edward!" I fought against my brothers, trying to get to Alice. To force her to stop saying the words I didn't want to hear. "She's not moving on! She is not happy! You two need each other! I don't think she has a future without you. Her future keeps disappearing, and it scares me! She's there and then she's not and I don't know why!"
At last her words sank in and I stopped fighting. "Bella's future disappears?"
"Yes," she sighed softly, relieved to have gotten through to me at last. My brother's arms were still wrapped around me, all of us panting.
"No. No, Bella promised she'd take care of herself," I whispered.
"Then why can't I see her future, Edward?"
"She wouldn't… she wouldn't hurt herself. No." I was appalled.
"No, I don't think so, either…" Alice agreed softly, "but something is wrong."
I stood for a moment, indecisive. I shouldn't watch her, but… No, Bella could not be allowed to disappear. Then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Show me."
She ran over her visions again. Bella at school. Bella at home. An odd blankness. Charlie, watching ESPN with Bella at his side. Then they disappear. Bella at work, not a part of the conversation Mike was trying to have with her. Bella sitting alone in the cafeteria. Then nothing, again. A flash of red, a twisting fear. Bella in bandages, but smiling a strange smile. Another image of her face smiling, a wild, exhilarated expression.
I had fallen to my knees, unable to support myself under the onslaught of images. I hung on to the last ones with all my strength: Bella, smiling. I was gasping for breath, clutching at the ground. It was what I wanted for her, a future where Bella smiled.
This image filled my mind for a long moment. Then I tried to process what Alice had shown me. She was there, then she was not, then she was there again. I ran over each image slowly, lovingly, seeing her face in my mind, ignoring the pain it caused me to see her unhappy. She would smile again. Alice had seen it.
"Wait." I paused, trying to focus on something only partly seen. "What was that?"
"What?" Alice asked.
"I don't know, it was too quick… Something… I don't know, something wrong." I sighed in frustration. "Show me again."
She went back over the images for me. Bella, nothing, Bella, nothing, Bella. Then I saw it again, the red and the accompanying feeling of fear.
"There! That! What was that?"
"I – I don't know. I see that constantly, too, but I can't name it. I – I didn't mean to show that part to you… I didn't think it had anything to do with Bella…" she stammered, confused and frustrated.
I tried to focus. Why did it seem so familiar? The red and the fear? Like it was a part of my peripheral vision, something I had experienced in the past, but a part of Alice's vision of the future. When had I felt fear like that before? I concentrated, and felt the fear consume me as I saw Bella in the eyes of a human monster. I had dealt with him, he would not be hunting again. He could not be the source of the future fear. I saw Bella lying broken and bleeding in the ballet studio. The human monster might not be dead, but James was. James…
There it was. The fear I had felt in the baseball field, when James had decided to hunt my Bella. And beside him…
"Victoria." I spoke her name, barely a whisper. My body went cold, the fire turned to ice.
"Victoria!" Emmett and Jasper chorused in shock.
"Victoria…" Alice breathed. Her eyes went blank and I watched the shifting visions as the elusive red morphed into a fierce face surrounded by flaming red hair. Victoria, running, hunting. Then, as before, she disappeared. Alice blew an annoyed breath out and tried again. Victoria, there then gone, over and over, just like with Bella. There one moment, then gone the next, only to return.
"What does it mean?" I asked her.
I don't know. She was frustrated. It's like something keeps blocking what I'm seeing. Interrupting my train of thought.
"How is that possible?" I'd never heard of Alice being blocked before.
"What?" Emmett asked, looking back and forth between us. "Ugh, you guys know I hate when you do that."
"Emmett," Alice explained impatiently, "I keep seeing Victoria, only I didn't know it was her. There's something in the way. The same thing that keeps happening with Bella. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before. Like… like she goes somewhere that doesn't exist."
I was thinking hard. Victoria and Bella's future, connected by something Alice couldn't see. I didn't have to understand what it meant to know that it was bad. For the first time in months, I had a purpose. Bella needed me. If I could find out why Victoria kept disappearing, maybe I could figure out why Bella did, too. I couldn't go to her, but I was her protector, still.
I stood abruptly and sprinted toward the tree line. I was leaving. Whatever this future was, I had to prevent it. I would have to find Victoria.
But first I had to hunt.
I returned a few days later, my thirst finally satisfied. Carlisle found me in the room they had intended to be mine. The one I had only set foot in one other time. He was unable to hide his pleasure in seeing me. I was clean again, my eyes no longer black, no longer sitting motionless and unresponsive. I was packing with purpose, an angry scowl on my face.
Alice told us what she saw. And what you figured out.
I grunted, not in the mood for conversation.
You're going to go looking for Victoria.
The words were a statement, not a question. I saw no need to respond.
"Let us come with you."
"No."
"She is certain to blame you for James's death; she's likely to be very dangerous when you find her. You may need our help."
I shook my head.
"Edward, you shouldn't do this by yourself. We can help you. Help you search for Victoria. And… help you deal with her when you find her." I knew how much that offer hurt him to make. He abhorred the thought of taking any sentient creature's life. Even when we had found James torturing my Bella – the memory brought a fresh wave of agony – he had refused to participate in James's destruction, leaving it up to Emmett and Jasper to kill the sadistic monster.
And my search for Victoria was no rescue attempt.
I didn't pause my packing. I didn't want their help. I didn't want company whom I would have to listen to worrying constantly. They didn't need to worry and I didn't need to make them as miserable as I was. I certainly wasn't capable of being pleasant, pretending happiness, or interest in conversations.
I once again thrust from me the people who loved me. I had driven Bella away with my hurtful lies, now I needed to push my family into continuing their lives without me. I was no good, a soulless monster who could only bring pain to those around me. I forced myself to speak.
"Carlisle, you should take Esme someplace with nice architecture, you know how she loves to study blueprints. Go someplace nice, someplace with lots of old buildings. Alice and Jasper should go on vacation. I know I've upset him, he should go be around… happy people… for a change. And while I know Emmett would love to help, I don't think Rosalie wants to be around me any more than I want to be around her. So, no. You can't help me."
"Esme would be happy enjoying the architecture of wherever your search takes you, Edward. She would just be grateful that we were with you. And it would make Jasper feel better to be able to help you. His experience with his previous… family… could make a difference. You know that Alice's abilities would be useful to you, too." She found you, after all. He said the words gently, but they still brought me fresh misery at the memory of my agonized wandering.
I zipped up the bag, the few changes of clothes fit easily into the small suitcase. I leaned on the closed bag and considered his offer. My family really was the best. They had uprooted their lives for me, supported me more than I deserved, and now they were willing to go with me on what was likely to be a long, difficult quest. But their love only served to emphasize what I had lost – thrust away from myself – and seeing the loving couples together was painful in a new way.
"I need to find her, Carlisle. I need to do this by myself. Thank you for your offer, but I don't want – I want to be alone." The words hurt to say. I heard in them the echo of the worst lie of my life. Bella, I don't want you to come with me.
If that's what you truly want.
"It is."
He nodded, seeming to accept this at last. "Where will you go?"
I'd been thinking about that. How do you search for a vampire in a place that doesn't exist? I decided to start by searching for her where she had been before. I remembered what Laurent had told us the day the trio of nomads came across us. He said they'd eaten just outside of Seattle. I'd considered going to see Laurent. Irina said he'd come to Denali when he'd left James and Victoria, but I didn't know just how strong their ties might have been. I had been concentrating on James at the time. They had spent several decades together and, though they had been quick to go their separate ways, I worried that seeing me would give him a reason to contact Victoria again.
I didn't want her to know I was hunting her. So Seattle it was. I grabbed my bag, walked around Carlisle without answering him, and headed for the front door.
"Where is my car?" I wondered for the first time.
Esme brought me a set of keys. "Emmett went to get it for you after…" The look on my face stopped her from finishing her thought. She held out a small phone. "Take it, please. So that you can call us if… if you need us." So that we can call you. So that we don't lose you completely.
I pressed my lips together and grabbed the keys and the phone from her hand, then walked out without another glance. I headed south, toward Washington. Toward Seattle. Not far from a place where a piece of Heaven exists on Earth. Every mile I drove closer was soothing. I knew I wasn't going home, but it felt good all the same. And any lessening of the pain was like having her with me, my own personal angel.
The speed didn't bring me the pleasure it used to, though I pushed the car to its limits. I was just glad to be speeding toward home.
Toward Bella.
End Note
And so at last Edward has begun his hunt for Victoria. I do wonder if he hadn't had his hunt for Victoria to distract him, would he have caved and gone home long before Bella's leap? The world will never know...
Look for an update weekly. We've got several months to go before the fateful phone call!
Thanks for reading =)
~Leona
