Waiting for Change

Part 7

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.

For the past two days, the questions Stephanie left me with have been going through my head on repeat. Can I really relax? Relax enough to hang with the guys? Enough to just do something fun or better yet, just do nothing. I know I don't always need to be on high alert. It is something that has become harder and harder for me to turn off.

I used to just be able to leave the missions, job where they were, but the longer I was at it, the more it became harder to stop being the job. It became easier to be the job, than it was to be myself. But in doing that I am losing myself along the way. Where is the guy who can laugh and smile? Is he too far gone? Am I?

I need to, No, I want to start letting people into my life. I want to let Stephanie into my life. I know exactly why I want to keep her near but far. I couldn't bear not seeing her, but I am afraid, I am afraid that when she sees all that I am or all that I am not she wouldn't want me. She has my heart, but I am not sure I have hers. I am not sure I deserve hers.

I have told her so many half truths she would never believe me now if I laid my heart out. I have to show her and if after she sees who I am and what I can give, she still runs. Then she runs. If all she wants to be is friends, than I would rather have her friendship than nothing. Right now, I think I could lose her friendship if I keep playing these dumb games and not letting her in.

I have to start showing her. I always fuck everything up with words. I came up with an idea of sending her some MP3s of songs that make me think of her.

I also can let her into my life, I know so much about her. How can I really expect her to feel anything for someone she barely knows? She doesn't really know me, hell sometimes I don't really know me. I am working on that, maybe we can learn together. If anyone can help me get back to who I am, she can.

Steph isn't the only relationship I need to fix. I stay away from my family and I love them more than anything. And Tank, he is the best friend I have ever had; we have been through so much together. I let that relationship go like it meant nothing. He knew that something was wrong and knew not to push, thinking I would come around in time, like I used to. But it is like anything, the less you use it, emotions are like muscles, they start to atrophy.

Tank is something I can fix now, our relationship isn't complicated; he gets it because he has been there. I call him up. "Yo"

"Ranger, you okay?"

That is a loaded question. I don't have an answer yet, so I just get right to it.

"I have been an ass."

"I know, but which way this time?" he is laughing at me.

"The way that keeps you guys from watching games at my place, drinking up my expensive beer, like it was when we started Rangeman."

"Oh, yeah, you've been an ass."

"That is done; I am going to try not to be an ass, if you call me on it when I am."

"Yup"

"Good and we need to go surging, the waves here are bodacious." We laugh because that is what Lester always said every time we were near a good beach.

"Ranger, it is good to see you are coming back."

"I am working on it."

We talk about some Rangeman business and then hang up. That felt good, I wasn't barking orders or evading questions.

I pick up the acoustic and just run my hand against the well work wood. This is where I feel like me. The person, not the machine. I have been thinking more and more about doing the showcase. Who am I kidding - I have wanted to do this my entire life. I sent an email to a couple of guys I knew, a drummer and a bass player. I will do some songs solo with just my guitar and some on electric with the "band". To do this, I have to actually plan what I am going to play and have a set list and practice time. My music was the one place in my life I didn't have to plan, I just feel. I can learn a song after hearing it a few times and can usually adapt any song that isn't usually a guitar song.

I email Casey and tell him I will do it and ask for the length of time I will be on stage, so I can plan.

I look at the time; I have just enough time to record the song for Steph. I want it to be in her email when we hang up.

I start to record "You Make Me Smile – By Blue October" and have it all ready to hit send when we are done.

A/N: This chapter is a little shorter; I think I want to do this conversation from Stephanie's POV. I have a lot of songs I think Ranger should sing in his mini-concert. I don't think they all should be meaningful, but if anyone has any songs that he should send to Steph, that would be great.

Also any suggestions on how the conversations between Steph and Ranger should go that would be great. I was toying with the idea of a Q&A session, but that feels forced.

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