Warning: I'm basing the story on the fact that Itachi and Kisame never tried to kidnap Sasuke before he left, which is why Sasuke wasn't so obsessed with revenge at the Valley of the End and was able to see reason and re-prioritize.
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Why it's Usually Better to Sleep In
"Rise and Shine Sleepyhead!"
Gai?
No. Naruto.
Kakashi groaned and burrowed deeper into his cocoon of blankets. He really wasn't awake yet and maybe, just maybe, if he pretended to be sufficiently dead to the world his student would leave him alone.
He heard footsteps approaching and a moment later the blankets were ripped ruthlessly from his grasping fingers.
"Yeah right! You can't fool a future Hokage that easily!"
No such luck. It looked like his fortune was determined to fail him. Flying in the face of all reason (and certainly, all mercy) Naruto was a morning person. Kakashi was decidedly not.
"Hmpth."
He rolled over a curled into a ball, trying to block out the light coming from the suspiciously bright floor lamp in the corner.
"Come on. I've seen you take down enemy ninja without even blinking. Now here you are, curled up in a ball, flinching away from light like some sort of traumatized vampire!"
"I don' like 't."
"Don't like what?"
"Mornin'," Kakashi answered succinctly, curling tighter.
"It's not morning; won't be for another hour" his tone suddenly turned dead serious. "There's something important you should be made aware of."
That got his attention. He jumped up in a ready defensive position. If Naruto woke him up in the middle of the night to tell him 'something important' there had to be something very wrong. He crouched in a defensive position; muscles strung tense and ready for action.
Naruto, clad only in a single pair of sky-blue boxers, smirked.
"Knew that would work." Kakashi just looked at him in non-comprehension. Naruto sought to clarify.
"Responding to the serious thing. I'm never serious, therefore if I am there must be something horribly, horribly wrong."
Blank stare.
"I thought it might make you would get up, and it worked," Naruto tried to point out defensively. "You needed to; breakfast is in ten minutes."
Kakashi was not entirely sure how to react. Homicidal rage seemed inappropriate. This is Naruto. Naruto is one of his precious people. He will not kill Naruto because Naruto is one of his precious people. And this is Naruto. He will not kill him.
What about maim?
No. Naruto might not be so generous with his couch if he found himself suddenly missing an arm. Which left just the one option: grit his teeth and bare it. As soon as he got paid for the next mission he was out of here but until then he couldn't afford to be picky. Literally.
He looked up to Naruto to find him backing slowly towards the nearest available exit.
Smart kid.
He straightened up and lightened his expression, making the conscious shift between 'stealth ninja assassin' to 'lazy ninja instructor' in the blink of an eye. Naruto seemed to take that as a good sign and gave him a small smile.
"Honestly sensei I would have let you sleep in but Mimi cooks for me during the weekdays. You really don't want to miss this."
Kakashi sighed but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. As Naruto ran back into his room to get dressed the jounin bent down and started to fold the blankets that he scattered in his panic.
"Nice ass."
Ah yes, Mimi.
Kakashi ignored the comment and, save for the slight widening of his original eye, failed to react. Naruto had apparently left the front door open and Mimi, being the crass, irreverent hooker she was, decided to have some fun. He had been thrown off balance last night, but not today. Today he was prepared; he wasn't known as one of the biggest perverts in Konoha for nothing.
"Why thank you ma'am," he said as he finished the last comforter, turning to grin at the unlikely intruder.
"Stop being gross Mimi, he's on to you," said Naruto as he re-entered the room in the same blue boxers and a black shirt. He apparently had a loose definition of the word 'dressed'. "Is it ready yet?"
"Yep; breakfast at 4:20 sharp! Bacon needs another minute but you may as well go in."
"Right. Come on Kakashi-sensei, it's just right next door," said Naruto, grabbing Kakashi's hand and dragging him into the apartment on the other side of the hall.
It was twice as big as the blonde's and well decorated. In the center of the living room sat a low table, simple with highly polished wood. It stood flanked by two couches and an eclectic collection of chairs and extra cushions, arranged in a sort of circle. That and the dirty set of tea cups sitting on the table suggested recent guests. Naruto glanced at the layout but seemed to ignore it in favor of the smells emanating from the kitchen. The copy-nin felt another tug on his sleeve and dutifully followed his charge into the kitchen.
He ducked past the swinging door and entered the room. Upon which, he encountered a surprise.
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Iruka was awakened by a loud pounding on his front door. It was to the tune of a popular rock song so he knew immediately who it must be. Only one person would be insane enough to pull this kind of stunt at four-fifteen in the morning. So he dragged himself out of bed and, levering his body out through his bedroom doorway, endeavored to rub the sleep out of his eyes as he groped blindly for the door knob.
"Hello Anko."
"Hi!" grinned the snake-bitch, holding out a cup that smelled suspiciously like coffee about an inch away from his face. Assuming it was a peace offering he grabbed the cup and waved her in.
As his far too perky friend mad herself at home he took a sip of the brew. Then he wrinkled his nose in confusion
Is coffee supposed to be crunchy?
"Its coffee grounds, you dork. I don't have a coffeemaker."
He stumbled towards the kitchen, trying to wipe the grit off his tongue.
"Why not?"
"Hmm?" she looked up from fiddling with one of the antique kunai he displayed on his bookcase.
"Coffeemaker," he re-iterated from the other room, pouring the grounds into a filter. "Why don't you have one?"
"Because I use yours," she explained slowly, as if to a five-year old. "Except for that one time in the Administration Office break room."
Iruka very carefully did not smile. Anko on LSD had been a sight to see.
"Yeah yeah," she groused. "I know the little terror was behind that one but I bet you knew about it. Still banned from singing in public by the way."
"Not really a tragedy," shrugged Iruka, coming back to the main room with two steaming mugs of coffee.
"Asshole."
If anyone else had called Umino Iruka, beloved teacher of children and filer of reports, an asshole the village would probably be talking about it for weeks. It was like saying that Ibiki had a soft spot for kittens. It just wasn't right. But no one aside from the crazies were awake at such an ungodly hour. And Anko knew Iruka well enough to understand that while he was kind and gentle and a beloved teacher of little brats everywhere, he was devious bastard when he wanted to be.
"So," said Iruka, taking careful sips of the hot drink. "What do you want?"
"Uchiha's back in town."
Iruka raised his eyebrows. "He never left."
"No not chicken-butt, the other one."
"Ah."
"Ah? That's all you have to say? Uchiha Itachi is back in Fire Country and you sit back and say 'Ah'. No wonder they rejected your application to the intelligence division."
Iruka frowned. "You got it backwards. They asked me and I turned them down."
"You were almost recruited into intelligence?"
"Yes. Apparently I'm the only person in Konoha who has any."
"Ha ha. But seriously; Itachi. Talk about heavy stuff; what are you going to tell Naruto?"
"I'm going to tell him Itachi is back in Fire Country. That is, if he doesn't know already."
"What?" Anko frowned in confusion.
"Well," said Iruka as he got up and pulled on his coat over his pajamas, "If Itachi is in Fire Country, there's actually a pretty good chance I know where he is. And since Kakashi-san lost his apartment, went bankrupt, and slept on Naruto's couch last night, there's an even better chance that everybody's favorite pervert-sensei will have a surprise encounter with two missing-nin at the breakfast table this morning."
Iruka casually looked at his wristwatch as he headed out the door.
"Which is why I'm heading out to do damage control before all hell breaks loose. In about five minutes, to be precise."
His watch was five minutes slow.
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For the second time that morning, Kakashi's ninja reflexes went on full alert.
"Oh dear, was I supposed to keep you guys a secret?"
Mimi was a bit slow to catch on.
The copy-nin was preparing to charge the chidori when he noticed Naruto who, far from fleeing in terror, was actually smiling.
At Itachi.
Who was smiling back.
". . . the hell?"
"Don't worry Kakashi-sensei; he's on our side."
"Course I am. Like I'd try to kill the kid who introduced me to ramen.
"What -"
"I know. Can you believe it? Never ate anything unhealthy until I met the little demon."
"But -"
"Here sweetie, have some bacon," suggested Mimi, observing the jounin's distress.
Shocked beyond belief and confused beyond mortal comprehension, the jounin was extraordinarily open to suggestion. Running on automatic, he plucked a piece of bacon from the proffered plate and jerkily walked over to a chair that Itachi (Itachi!) had pulled out for him. He still held the bacon aloft, as if it were a sacred talisman capable of warding off the particular brand of chaos that seemed to revolve around Naruto.
It was ineffective.
"So," said the blonde genin from across the kitchen table. "I should probably explain."
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"Iruka, start making sense," Anko commanded as she ran after her ex-teammate.
Iruka made a quick seal with his hands – one of the stealth jutsus; used for passing along sensitive information. Her morning just got a hell of a lot more interesting.
"Uchiha Itachi is one of our deep cover agents in an organization of s-class missing-nin called the Atasuki. They started recruiting him about a year after he joined ANBU so when Orochimaru tried to frame him for the murder of his clan, the Hokage saw an opportunity and took it."
"Orochimaru? But -"
"He wanted the bloodline but it has to be willing otherwise the transfer or it doesn't last much longer than a couple of days. No sharingan user would ever betray their clan for him; they were respected, even revered, by their family and the village. But if there was no family, just a lonely kid consumed with thoughts of revenge and desire for power. . ."
"Sasuke."
"It almost worked too. But then there was Naruto."
"Like anyone could anticipate Naruto."
"Got that right. I was so proud of him when he managed to break through Sasuke's shell; then actually become his best friend. Who'd have thought! I thought I would cry when they came back through that gate, limping and using each other as crutches."
"Girl. Get back to Itachi."
Iruka stopped, shot her a look, and then sped up.
"Anyway, Itachi comes home that evening and sees the bloodbath. He runs straight to the Hokage tower to report and that's when the Sandaime comes up with the master plan. Jiraya had reported rumors about the Atasuki starting to get organized earlier so he decided to send Itachi deep under cover so that his family's death wouldn't be a complete waste. Two hours later and Itachi is running his brother through Tsukuyomi to cement the cover story."
"Jesus. His own brother."
"Itachi is ninja in the way that all Uchiha were made to be. There is no emotion, only the mission. Except . . ."
"Except?"
"Naruto."
"Figures. When is that brat not in the thick of a village-wide conspiracy?"
Iruka just shook his head and ducked into an apartment building. Naruto's apartment building. It looked like they had arrived.
Anko was shocked, to say the least. Missing-nins at Naruto's? Itachi a good guy? Iruka leaving home before finishing his coffee? The world should be ending any moment now.
Then there's the creepy jounin-instructors following Iruka around like lost puppies she thought to herself, scaling the stairs two by two. It couldn't be a coincidence that Hatake was staying at the brat's place, could it? Did they suspect something?
Iruka, several steps ahead of her, ignored the gaping doorway of apartment 35c and turned to his right instead.
Oh great, just what we need. Mimi.
With a particular feeling whispering across the back of her neck (the one she most commonly associated with impending disaster) she continued to follow Iruka, right through to the kitchen. The sight that greeted her was one that would be forever burnt into her mind, right up there with the time she accidentally walked in on the Legendary Toad Sannin taking a bubble bath.
Uchiha Itachi was there, sitting at the table with a full plate of eggs, bacon, and hash browns, asking Mimi-the-friendly-neighborhood-prostitute if she had any ketchup. A seven foot tall . . . shark man (for lack of a better description) was sitting on the other side of the kitchen table, digging into a huge stack of pancakes drenched in syrup. He wasn't even stopping to breathe. I suppose gills must be useful for more than swimming.
Naruto was sitting next to him, dwarfed by the massive figure. The boy appeared to be explaining that the infamous Uchiha sitting just to the right of his sensei was not so much a 'clan-massacring-killing-machine' as a 'loyal-servant-of-Konoha' with a really unfortunate reputation. Or more accurately, attempting to explain.
Kakashi seemed to have slipped into a sort of disbelieving catatonia. He was sitting in his chair and rocking (ever so slightly) back and forth. He hadn't put anything on his plate but was holding a small piece of bacon aloft, as if it were the only thing keeping the world from falling down around his ears.
Too late buddy.
The thing about being Naruto's friend is that sooner or later your world got turned on its head.
When Anko first met Iruka she had marveled at his innate ability to make everything around him, not matter how strange, something like normal. It was a stability that she craved in amidst the chaos of her childhood. And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Naruto was the universe balancing itself out in the most bizarre way she had ever seen.
Since becoming friends with them she had spun between the two extremes; her world changing constantly with each new day. It should have been exhausting and annoying and horribly inconvenient but to Anko, none of that mattered. It was like being caught in the swirling winds of a storm; once you lost control you never really wanted it back. In the years that she had known Iruka and Naruto she had come to love them as her closest friends and greatest confidants. They were her family when everyone else refused to even talk to her.
Over time that family had grown. A young ANBU captain bound by his family's expectations, burdened by the lives he had taken. A beautiful woman hiding behind a mask of paint, selling everything but her soul. A Hokage, who had survived at all costs only to find he had outlived all but a few.
And now a jounin floating through life, hiding the persistent, all consuming fear that the people he loved would leave him.
Welcome to my world Hatake, and hold on tight. We ride the whirlwind.
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Kakashi held tightly to his piece of bacon and watched the two newcomers as they sat down at the table. Mimi also decided to take a seat, wedging herself between Itachi and his blue-skinned partner. Both had worn heavy black cloaks with a stylized red cloud design but the Uchiha had shed his in deference to the heat from the nearby stove. It hung over the back of his chair.
Naruto had explained the matching outfit – something to do with standard uniforms for an organization called Atasuki. Apparently, like every good secret society of megalomaniacs, their goal was world domination. These particular bad guys were something to worry about since the group was composed of s-class and kage-level missing-nins. They also wanted to harness the power of the nine great biju to achieve their goals, which made Naruto an unfortunate target.
In a fortunate turn of chance, Itachi had been chosen to pursue 'the mysterious nine-tails vessel' with his partner, Kisame. They had become reasonably good friends after spending several years together and each considered the other a sort of kindred spirit, which made it incredibly easy for the Uchiha to convince the sword user to turn traitor and become Konoha's second spy within the organization. That the current Hokage had no idea that either of them were actually working for her was a small technical detail they had set out to correct.
Apparently, after being given their mission by the 'leader', they immediately set out on a year long bar-hopping, hot springs lazing, adventure. 'Research on the identity of the mysterious nine-tails vessel' Itachi had informed Kakashi with his trademark deadpan face. The two outlaws were working their way through a bottle of tequila in a village in Wind Country when they got news that the Sandaime had died. Since the only people that were in on the ultra-secret plan (therefore knew of his innocence) were the Sandaime, the clerk on duty that night (a young chunnin named Umino Iruka), and Orochimaru (who had been hypnotized and made to forget his involvement early on), they decided to drop in and introduce themselves to the new leadership to make sure everyone was good and briefed. They didn't feel like getting taken out by friendly shinobi for doing their job too well.
Being the elite ninja that they were they had no trouble infiltrating the village, utilizing a heavy transformation technique Itachi had learned from Naruto. Kakashi remembered that Naruto was really only proficient in one transformation technique and kept his mouth shut. He couldn't imagine the big one as a female but the Uchiha all dolled up was way too easy to picture. He might not even need 'sexy no jutsu', just a dress and some eyeliner.
In need of a place to let down the disguises and rest but at the same time universally recognizable and utterly despised, Itachi made for the one sanctuary he remembered from his past. Back in the day, when he still had guard duty for Naruto, Mimi was a regular fixture in his life. Often times they hung out at her place, relaxing into a nice a game of Go as they took turns trying to explain the rules to a young Naruto. It was a way to pass the time; after the second week it had gotten around that he was the one doing the guarding and the villagers had pretty much stopped attacking after that. Mimi was like the big sister he never had; teaching him about music, cooking (and burning) snacks for him, trying to give him the talk (never actually finishing; he usually jumped out the nearest window three sentences in – much in the same manner as Kakashi). He was even the reason the early morning breakfasts started, ready for him as he got on shift each day at 4:20 sharp.
Kisame and Itachi had arrived yesterday to find a tired looking Mimi starting to clean up after a group of guests. Upon seeing the odd duo in the doorway she dropped what she was doing and ran to hug them. They let her, despite the personal bubble that all ninja maintain obsessively.
She was a very pretty woman.
Mimi had then proceeded to push them into the guest room and shove towels and blankets and soap at them until their arms were full. She then stuck a toothbrush in each mouth for good measure and informed them that Naruto was coming over for breakfast tomorrow morning so they better be on their best behavior. Her absolute refusal to be the littlest bit afraid of two s-class missing-nins such as themselves was . . . refreshing. They had dealt with the currency of fear for too long.
So here they were, as large (and larger) than life. Sitting around a crowded table, fighting over who gets the last sausage.
Kakashi sighed. What happed to the world I used to live in?
"Hey Kisame, pass the syrup."
"Get your own squirt. This one's mine."
"The whole bottle? Come on!"
"What can I say, I've got a sweet tooth," Kisame ginned, exposing row after row of razor sharp teeth in a move calculated to scare him off. Naruto just snorted.
"Oohh. Scary."
Kisame frowned. "I'll eat you if you don't shut up."
"No you won't; I'm sugar-free."
The shark man laughed loud and long. "Ha! I knew I liked you kid!"
Further down the table:
"So let me get this straight, you turned down a job at the intelligence division?"
Anko had a knack for focusing in on the most important bit of news.
Iruka rolled his eyes. "Of course I did. I like teaching children."
"I like carving my eyes out with a fork."
"I'm serious! It's a very rewarding career!"
"If you ransom the suckers off."
"Just because your mind is twisted beyond doesn't mean everyone's else is."
"It's called thinking outside the box."
"Odd how the 'thought' part doesn't actually come into the equation."
Then off to his right:
"Here Itachi, have a biscuit."
"I'm fine Mimi."
"Nonsense. You should eat more; you're skin and bones! What do they feed you at that place?"
". . . the secret underground lair?"
"What, you have a public underground lair?"
"No. And nothing. We each cook for ourselves."
"Oh no! No wonder."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, it's just that you're a horrible cook."
"Am not."
"It's alright Itachi, cooking just isn't your thing. I'm sure there's something you're good at."
There is only so much insanity you can take, reflected Kakashi, before it takes you.
He looked on as the gathered shinobi (and hooker) of Konoha sat and indulged in good natured bickering over the breakfast table. The collection was a strange one, to say the least, but they seemed to fit together in some odd sort of way. Then it hit him. This was a family of people who had no family.
And I think I belong here. What's worse, I don't think I mind belonging here.
I think I like belonging here.
Kakashi began to come out of his trance, dropping the bacon onto his plate.
I can't let anyone get close because I'll loose them again - but it's too late. Naruto slipped right through every defense I set up. And Mimi; last night I knew I liked her the moment I met her; she's not just another pretty face. And then there's Iruka, who seems normal enough on the surface but I wouldn't be surprised if he knew every deep, dark secret Konoha has to offer – especially after this.
He knew it was only going to get weirder. At 4:20 a.m. life as he knew if flew out the window. He stopped trying to get it back.
Oh well; I was getting bored anyway.
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Next up: Kakashi, Naruto, and Kisame get the talk. Itachi narrowly escapes.
