Alice's big decision... part one. It's a bit short as I am so short of time lately. This hasn't been betaed.. I'm sorry for the overlooking, but it was post now or post in a week's time. Next one will be more thorough, promise.

The love square with Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Edward is only a part of this story, so the resolution comes pretty early on in the story. Now, in fact :) Let me know what you think.

________________________________________________________________________________

Don't fool yourself,

she was heartache from the day that you met her.

My heart is frozen still

as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.

She's out there somewhere now.

--'Forget Her', Jeff Buckley

________________________________________________________________________________

I awoke the next morning to the melancholic strains of Jeff Buckley, rising from the kitchen below. In my groggy state, I failed properly acknowledge the significance of what I was hearing. I laid back, smiling, enjoying the soothing lilt of his voice.

I hadn't heard this album since the last time... oh, no.

Each bittersweet note urged me back to sleep as realisation dawned, willing me not to even think of the person that was playing it. It had to be her; Dad hated anything with a downbeat tempo.

Mother's home.

She was hardly ever home. Why today? What could have possibly willed her to return just as I was preparing myself for the second biggest challenge I had ever faced. My absolution to be a good girl was second only to the problems I faced with Edward. A visit from mother was the last thing I needed, and yet here she was, downstairs, playing Jeff bleeding Buckley as if it were a calling card. That was mother all over.

I wearily picked myself up out of bed and headed to the shower.

***

Why is it you can never find anything when you're in a rush? I couldn't find any clothes enough for my quick and stealthy exit. Well, any clothes clean enough to be witnessed by the judgemental eyes of the gossipers of Forks. Looking for something suitable to wear was one of my daily struggles; I really did have to learn to wash clothes rather than leave it to Dad. The state my clothes came back in was enough to prefer wearing days old jeans to freshly washed but two-sizes-too-small ones. Muffin top? Not good.

I settled upon a worn pair of jeans from the bottom of my closet. Whilst rooting around, I found a sliver of white partially concealed under my bed. It was a wifebeater that Emmett had one left behind. It'll do.

Huh, I thought disparagingly as I pulled it over my head. Smells like soap and drugstore deodorant... Jasper smells like spearmint and vetiver. My heart constricted. Oh, Jasper. What am I going to do about him?

I shook my head violently. One minute all I can think about is Edward, the next I'm pining for Jasper. I really didn't know what – who – I wanted. Maybe both. Maybe even... neither? I did know that it wasn't fair to either of them for me to keep giving half of myself to each the way I have been doing. Hell, it wasn't fair to me. The stress of having to make such a prolific choice was weighing me down, making me feel like a shadow of my former self, the self before Edward burrowed his way into my heart.

I felt like an empty shell; broken and hungry for reciprocal love to fill the void I had created in myself. And yet I had one boy who I loved and did not love me; and a boy who loved me and I did not love in return. Someone up there was having a great time with this.

I couldn't face my mother today, not when I was feeling like this. We'd only argue and then I'd feel even worse when she inevitably barred me from leaving the house. I hastily made up my face and shook my knotted, wild hair out. Grabbing my purse and slipping my feet into my beat up Cons, I hoped it was somewhat warm out; in true Alice style, I didn't have a coverup clean enough to wear.

I climbed out of my window and dropped onto the top of the wooden awning. Climbing down the adjoining trellis onto the equilibrium of solid ground, I realised I had no idea where I was going.

So I just walked.

I walked and walked and walked until my Cons rubbed the tender skin of my ankles and I was drenched in sweat from the midday sun. I was going in no specific direction, I was following my intuition. I was willing it to tell me what to do rather than to make my own reasoned choices.

I stopped to sit on a sidewalk when the sun became too much to bear. It was quite a busy street but I couldn't remember where I was. It didn't matter. Each car that passed whipped up the dust from the side of the road, swirling it around me and matting it in clumps on my damp skin. I felt every inch as grubby as I looked. It was unexpectedly cathartic.

I'm not sure how long I stayed there. Long enough, no doubt, to earn some very strange glances. A solitary, forlorn looking girl sat there, covered in grime, waiting for something to come but not being entirely sure what. I rested my head on my knees in response to this thought. What was I doing? I wasn't sure I cared. Subjecting myself to such a public display of defeat was making me feel better and I wasn't entirely sure why.

I knew one of the three would find me eventually, if not instinctually then statistically. There weren't many busy streets in Forks. I was going to put my destiny into the hands of fate. Whoever came, I would give myself to them wholeheartedly. I would end this insipid recurrence of events. There was only so much heartache I could stand. I would forget the others and focus upon becoming whole again. I smiled at the thought. Yes, that sounds lovely.

Surprisingly, I had no real preference as to who it would be. I wasn't sure Emmett would be a good choice, but if fate willed it then... so be it, I guess.

It was an hour after I'd first rested my head upon my knees that I sensed a presence.

I raised my head, mentally preparing myself to look into the face of the boy I had resolved myself to be utterly devoted to.

Instead, I was met with a pair of bronze eyes. Bronze, long-lashed, disdainful eyes.

"Oh, it's you." I muttered, declining my head once more.

"Feeling sorry for yourself, Alice?" Bella's icy tone made my head snap up. Well, this was out of character.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean." I replied just as icily. "What do you want?"

She frowned, her plain features looking downright ugly now. "You know what I want. You know how much of an axe you hold over my head." Now it was my turn to frown. What the hell was this girl talking about? I asked her as much.

"You and Edward obviously have this unspoken... thing going on. You need to end it. Either you both get it out of your system," she winced at the thought. "Or, you tell him goodbye. I will not let another second of his heartache pass by."

I sat there in complete and utter shellshock. My jaw hung open like it had been detached from the rest of my skull. Edward... heartache... me?

"Again," I almost stammered. Almost. "I'm not sure I know what you mean." I gathered myself up off of the sidewalk and squared my shoulders. "You cannot mean to tell me that Edward feels that way toward me. That is not possible."

Bella's face softened just enough for me to realise that she had expected an entirely different response. "Look, Alice. Edward loves you, you know this. You do, even if you've kidded yourself otherwise. And I – I know that you love him." The last words came out in a rush, as though she forced them out of her body in spite of great personal injury.

My first instinct was to be defensive. I had held this secret for too long.

"I do not." I growled. "I can not." I couldn't hear this. I had been so close to being willing to give up on my love for him forever, only to be dragged right back by false hopes to square one.

"You do. You shouldn't, I wish you wouldn't. But, you do." She shrugged wearily. "Look, I'm not giving you a free pass to him but... just sort it out, yeah? Now that you know. "

She turned to walk back to a red truck that I had never even heard pulling up to the sidewalk. Climbing in, she called out one last time before speedily pulling away.

"Just make it easier on all of us."

Easier, indeed.

The release of tension that I felt as Bella pulled away was resounding, yet it left me cold. No least because she had just confirmed what the tiniest, most niggling of voices had been whispering to me since the summer. What I felt wasn't completely unrequited. On some level, I did know it. And yet, I hadn't stopped torturing myself, instead choosing to pursue other boys. Did I love him as much as I thought I did?

For that reason, and that reason alone, I decided not to change my plans. I would not give up on fate. Fate brought me to this spot, fate had brought Bella to this spot and fate would bring my boy to this spot. I knew it would only be a matter of time, I just had to wait.

And I did. I waited and waited until the dusk set in and threw long, out of focus shadows across the sun-tinted gold pavement. The balmy air kept me both cool and warm, but I knew that it would start getting too cold soon. I hoped I would not have to leave before my fate was sealed, but my instincts knew I would not have to be there for too much longer.

Twenty minutes later I still sat, my arms wrapped around myself, rubbing to create warm friction. My slight tremors gave way to full blown trembling as the cold well and truly set in.

Then, I heard footsteps. Relief swept through me. My waiting was over. I kept my head down, not wanting my face to betray my emotion when I finally clapped eyes upon the person who had finally come to rescue me from myself.

A heavy, warm jacket was placed around my shoulders silently. Then an arm as whoever it was sat down beside me. The suspense was painful and yet I could not bring myself to look.

"Alice," he breathed.

Oh... oh!

Thank God.

Comment :)

*