KATNISS
I purposely left work that day without waiting for Peeta like usual. I hurried to the train and sat leaned forward with my elbows on my knees, staring down at the dirty floor.
I had just spent the day in the same building as my daughter.
Pearl was, with no shadow of a doubt, the baby that I had given up five years ago. I'd recognize that strawberry kiss birthmark on her collarbone anywhere. It all added up; the gray eyes, the blonde hair, the shy demeanor.
And she wasn't just my child. She was, biologically, both mine and Peeta's.
I had never expected to see her again, not in a million years. I spent the whole day wondering if I was going to throw up, bolt out of the building, or both.
I couldn't believe that Peeta was fathering a little girl that he thought was in no way blood-related to him. He had no idea that he was raising a daughter who was just as much his as she was mine.
When I first saw her, it almost knocked me physically to the floor. With the blonde hair, she looked just like Prim did when she was that age, but wearing an expression of mine instead. Total distrust; that was how she was looking at me. I could hardly stomach it.
Luckily, as the day went on, we warmed up to each other. But even still, it wasn't without wariness from me. I had no idea what I was about to get myself into.
I didn't even want to think about what Johanna would say. I didn't want to tell her, at least not yet. I hadn't seen Madge in a while; ever since the weather got colder we hadn't been playing much tennis, and it would be a lot of work to catch her up on everything.
The only person who would understand this whole mess was my sister. I got off the train at Belmont instead of Fullerton and walked to her apartment without texting her a warning that I was coming. She buzzed me up and waited with the door open, bouncing up and down with excitement.
"Hi," I said, sounding confused. "What are you so pumped about?"
"I'm glad you're here," she said, ushering me inside. From just a glance around I could tell she was alone. "I was just about to call you. Oh, my god, you're really not going to believe this."
I kicked my shoes off and sat down on her couch, letting my hand hang off the armrest. I would let her say her piece, then I'd break the news to her. I wasn't sure how she would react.
"That's crazy," I said. "Because I have something to tell you, too. That's why I'm here."
"You can go first," she said, practically buzzing.
"No, that's fine," I said, still feeling shell-shocked. "Go ahead. I… need time to process mine still."
"Okay, okay," she said. "I'll just say it. Rory and I are getting married."
My lips pulled up in a smile; a true, genuine one. "That's great," I said. "When did he ask? What happened?"
"Well, that's the second part," she said, and clasped her hands together tightly. "We initially wanted to wait a little longer. But now we don't really have any reason to wait, well, because I'm pregnant."
The smile on my lips from just moments before suddenly faded away to nothing. "Wait, what?" I had heard her perfectly fine, but I couldn't believe what she said. "What did you say?"
"I'm pregnant," she said again, and I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.
"Shit," I murmured.
Prim's blonde eyebrows knitted together as she scrutinized me. "Aren't you happy for me?" she asked. "I thought you'd be happy."
I stood up from the couch, feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to her; it might've been the first time in my entire life that I didn't know what to say to my sister.
"Say something, Katniss," she said, angry. I obviously hadn't responded in the way that she'd hoped.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to say," I said. I walked away from her into the kitchen, where I poured myself a glass of water from the Brita pitcher on the fridge. I walked back to the living room after taking a few deep breaths, but still didn't sit down. "What do you want me to say?"
Her lips were pursed into a frustrated scowl. "Congratulations? That's cool? Something?" She shook her head. "I thought you'd be excited."
"Don't you think that's a little hard for me?" I spat.
"It's been five years!" she shouted, throwing her hands up. "I thought this would be something that I could at least talk about now."
"Well, I guess you're going to do whatever you want," I said, turning my back on her and shoving my feet into my shoes.
"No," she said. "You can't just leave. You're going to stay and talk to me about this. What the hell is going on with you?"
"Nice of you to ask," I said. "Nice of you to realize that you're not the only one here on this earth."
"That's not true," she said. "Take it back. Stop saying things you don't mean."
"Just because I gave my kid up five years ago doesn't make it any less painful."
"You have to let her go, Katniss," Prim said, sounding exasperated. "I thought you had. You haven't talked about her… I can't even remember the last time you brought her up. So excuse the fuck out of me for having a milestone and expecting my sister to be happy for me. I didn't even know you still thought about her."
"I don't," I said. "Well, I didn't."
She narrowed her blue eyes at me. "What do you mean?"
A sigh rattled from my chest. "I met her today."
The air in the room seemed to physically shift. "What did you just say?" Prim asked, but didn't wait for my answer. "How? What do you mean? How did you know it was her?"
My hands flew to my head. "I'm her mom. I just knew. She had…has the birthmark. The one, you know…"
"Right there on her chest, the pink one," she finished for me, absentmindedly touching the spot on her own body.
"She had that. Her eyes were gray. Hair was blonde. She looked just like you. Her name is Pearl."
My sister's mouth dropped open, and then she covered it with her hand. "Oh, my god."
"Yeah. And to make matters worse…"
"What do you mean?" she asked. "How could matters be worse?"
"She was at my work today because Peeta brought her in. He was the one who adopted her."
Prim's eyes widened even further. "And she has blonde hair."
I nodded. "She's his."
Prim collapsed back against the couch, letting her back hit the arm on her way down. "Holy shit."
"So, yeah," I said, slapping my hands down on my knees. "That's how my day went. So, I'm sorry. I'd usually be over the moon for you. But I just had to spend the entire day with my daughter who I've done my best to forget about."
Prim shook her head. "I would've never… if I'd known… God, I'm so sorry. Horrible timing."
"Not your fault," I said. "I just don't know what I'm going to do now."
Prim stared up at the ceiling. "Her name is Pearl."
On Monday at work, it was hard to look at Peeta the same way. Of course, he had no idea why, and I wanted to keep it that way. At least for the time being.
I didn't have a clue how I was going to resolve this long term. At that point, I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other and take it from there. It was the best I could do.
We had lunch at Whole Foods, and I picked at my macaroni and cheese while he ate a cupcake from the bakery section. "I could make better, but eh," he said, shrugging a shoulder. He was trying to make me laugh, but nothing was working.
All I kept thinking about was our daughter; the little girl who was in school right now, not knowing that she had met her birth mother just days ago and had been growing up with her birth father her whole life.
"What's on your mind?" he finally asked, extending his fork towards me with a huge scoop of frosting on it. He liked the cake part of the cupcake, and knew that I liked the frosting best.
I closed my lips around his fork and he pulled it away. I raised my eyebrows and nodded. "Good," I said, then licked my lips. "But oh," I sighed. "There's a lot more on my mind than you want to hear."
He shook his head and chuckled. "Don't underestimate. Try me."
I tipped my head to one side, knowing how ready he really wasn't. I didn't plan on laying it all on him, though, just a portion of it. "My sister is getting married," I said. "She just told me on Friday. It's late-notice, I'm the maid of honor, all that stuff. It's not going to be huge, but still… it's a wedding and I'm expected to be a part of it. And now I have to get a dress, plan for it, look nice, and it's in a month. All that plus find a date." I rested my forehead down on my palm and shook my head, totally exasperated. It was just one more thing on my list of things to worry about.
Peeta's tone of voice was light when he said, "Well, jeez, at least buy me dinner first."
I picked my head up and squinted at him. "What?"
He shrugged his shoulders, his palms face-up. "What do you mean, what?"
I braced my elbows on the table, leaning in closer to him subconsciously. "You'd go with me to her wedding?"
He nodded, but his confidence seemed a little shaken. "If you want-"
"Yes, of course I want you to," I said, reaching across and touching his wrist.
"Okay," he said with a bright, dazzling smile. "It's a date."
"It is?" I asked. "A date?"
"Like I said, if you want it to be…"
"I want it to be," I said, laughing. "But can it be? I mean, since you know, you're..."
He nodded, finally understanding. "Oh," he said. "The boss. Well, I'll have to check with the boss, but my guess is that he'll probably be okay with it."
We both broke out in huge smiles then, and he held my hand in his and squeezed. My face was unbearably hot and the jitters in my stomach felt like they were going to make my whole body start shaking.
"Okay," I solidified. "I'm a little more excited now."
The following weekend, Prim and I went to the bridal shop where she tried on big white dress after big white dress, and I vetoed almost all of them. My job was to sit on the satin couch in front of the three-tiered mirror and wait for her, then be the voting panel until she found one that made her feel like a princess. I tried not to show my distaste, but it was hard to be happy-go-lucky all the while remembering that my turn to pick a dress was up next.
The one she finally picked was sleeveless and it hugged her slight body just perfectly. It had pretty detailing along the bust, and the train wasn't anything crazy long. It was perfect for her and sensible too, also within her price range, which was the saving grace.
"Okay, Katniss," she said, clapping her hands. "Now it's your turn. There's a bunch of purple ones picked out for you back there, just try on everything and come out and model for me. I can't wait to see!"
I trudged back to the fitting room, where a middle-aged woman helped me into too many dresses to count. I switched to autopilot as I stepped into both thick and thin skirts and got clothes-pinned in the back where there was too much fabric to fit me.
Nothing was good enough in Prim's eyes. This one was too light, this one too dark. This one too short, this one too long. This one too detailed, this one not detailed enough.
I pulled on one of the last dresses; a dark lilac one with straps that sat near the caps of my shoulders so my collarbone was on display. The waist was in the shape of an upside-down triangle, but not so dramatically that the eye would pick it out immediately. The material barely touched the floor when I put my heels on, and the bust was in a subtle heart shape. I spun in the mirror, actually liking the way it made my body look womanly instead of stick-straight, and walked proudly out to show my sister.
"Just so you know, this is like, one of the last ones," I said, but once I came out I knew I didn't need to say anything else.
"Oh god, I love it," Prim said. She looked to the consultant. "She looks gorgeous. Katniss, you look gorgeous. Look at you."
"I actually think so, too," I said, and stared at myself for a while. I had never spent much time thinking about my looks, but I actually thought that I looked pretty. I couldn't wait for Peeta to see me like this; it was the first excitement I had felt about the actual wedding so far. "Thank you for making me do this," I said to Prim.
She stood up next to me and kissed my cheek. "I should be thanking you."
On the day of the actual wedding, Peeta and I rode together. He pulled up to my house and helped me get my stuff into the back of his car, and I held my dress in a black garment bag on my lap during the ride there.
He kissed my cheek when I sat down, which made electricity run up and down my body. "You look pretty," he said.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "I'm in less makeup than you normally see me in. Just wait until you see me later, all dolled up and stuff."
He kept his eyes on the road, but he was smiling. "I'm just saying, I like you like this, right now, a lot already."
I blushed. I couldn't seem to stop blushing when I was around him; he always knew just what to say. "You flatter me," I said. As we got closer to the small venue, I said, "It's a bummer that you don't know anyone and have to sit alone during the ceremony. But at the reception, she doesn't have a head table or anything. So I'm going to be able to sit with you. They didn't invite too many people, so it shouldn't be that bad."
"Katniss," he said, reaching over and capping a hand over my knee. "Don't worry about me. I'm here for you."
I tried to release my tension, but it was hard. My little sister was getting married. And not only that, I was bringing my boss who I wasn't sure if I was dating or not to the ceremony. This was all a lot for me to handle.
"Easier said than done," I said. "Are you going to be okay doing whatever while I'm in there getting ready and helping her?"
He held my hand. "Of course," he said. "I'll be just fine. You worry about you and Primrose. That's who matters today."
Inside my chest, my heart may have been spilling out and melting all over everything. No one had ever treated me as well as Peeta, especially not Gale. With him, he was always worried about himself and how he looked to everyone else. With Peeta, all he cared about was being there for me. I hardly knew how to accept it.
"Thank you," I said, sounding relieved. We pulled up to the little venue and he helped me get my things inside to the dressing room, but then made his way out after giving me another kiss on the cheek.
"I'll see you out there," he said, and waved me goodbye.
When I went into the room, Prim was already in her dress, turning this way and that in the mirror. Johanna, Madge, and Prim's friend Delly were already all standing there, looking at her with awe.
"You look perfect, Prim," I said, setting my garment bag down on a nearby chair. Her hair had been done by Delly in an intricate up-do at the base of her neck, and her makeup, done by Madge, was demure and subtle. She was the perfect image of a blushing bride. "Just wait until everyone figures out you were knocked up once the baby's born."
We all busted up laughing, and I got a couple good smacks for my comment. But after that, Madge sat by down in a spinning chair and worked on my makeup while Delly got busy with my hair. We all made light conversation, and I directed it away from myself as best I could. I didn't want any of them asking who I came with, because I didn't want to get into it. They'd all see at the reception, anyway, but wouldn't be able to give me shit for it when he was sitting right next to me.
When all of us were finished getting ready, I slipped into my dress and had Prim zip me up in the back. I turned back around and her eyes were glassy as she looked at me and tipped her head to one side.
"Aren't I supposed to be the one crying?" I asked, giggling.
"Yes, but I'm the hormonal, pregnant one," she said. "So cut me a break. You just look so gorgeous. I never get to see you like this."
She cupped my cheek in one hand and I rolled my eyes. "Thanks a lot. 'You're so ugly most of the time, I forgot how pretty you are!'"
She nudged my shoulder. "You're so fucking annoying," she said, and gave me a hug. "I wouldn't want anyone else but you walking me down the aisle. Thank you for doing this."
"You're my baby sister," I said, my chin still latched around her thin shoulder. "Of course."
I had no idea that my stomach would be jumping as much as it was when I heard the first notes of the procession start to play. Prim's whole life was flashing before my eyes; the first moment I met her when I was barely five years old, when she learned to walk, her very first day of school, her first breakup, first day of college, and how close we'd never stopped being.
Now I was the one who was crying. I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue, and two doors opened so we could walk through. The audience turned around to look at us, and I caught one specific pair of blue eyes in particular.
My heart leapt, seeing him look at me in the way that he was. It was selfish of me to be so happy that his eyes were trained on me, not Prim, but I couldn't find it within myself to care. His smile, which lit up the room, said more than words ever could. I grinned in his direction, but kept my gaze forward as best I could. I didn't want to trip and make a fool out of myself during Prim's big moment.
The ceremony was a blur, but I did keep catching Peeta's eye during it. We'd lock in on each other, smirk, and then look away. I felt so beautiful standing up there in my fitted purple dress, holding both my bouquet and Prim's; I couldn't remember the last time that it felt so good that a man's eyes were on me.
Once it was over, we all headed to the reception hall and found our respective tables. Peeta enveloped me in a huge hug, and said into my curled hair, "You look gorgeous."
"Thanks," I breathed, and held onto him for a beat longer than necessary. "There was this one weird guy staring at me the entire ceremony."
Suspicion flashed across his eyes for a second until he realized I was joking. "I'll fuck him up," he said, bracing his hand on the small of my back as we walked to our table.
"My sister is the one he should've been staring at," I said, "but nope, he only had his eyes on me."
"Maybe he thought you were pretty much the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen," Peeta said, stealing a glance up and down my body. It didn't go unnoticed.
"He must be crazy, then," I said, and took his hand under the table. Madge, her boyfriend, Johanna and her girlfriend were at the table across from Peeta and me, and I felt their eyes on us. I wasn't ready to look over, yet, though. Right then, what we had was all ours.
Later in the night after dinner had been served, I spotted someone who I'd been dreading seeing all night. Prim was marrying no one else but Gale's little brother, so it was inevitable that Gale himself would be here.
We made eye contact from across the room and his recognition flashed across his face. With Clove on his arm, he made his way over to our table and politely squeezed his way past the other attendees to get to where I was sitting.
"Hey, Katniss," he said, and gave me a weird, chaste hug as I stayed sitting and he stood.
"Hi," I said tersely. "Gale, this is Peeta. Peeta, Gale."
They shook hands, and then Gale found it necessary to introduce the girl. "Uh, yeah, this is my girlfriend, Clove," he said, a pursed smile on his lips.
She extended her hand for me to shake, which I begrudgingly did, then she curled back into Gale's chest. "Fiancée, honey." She chuckled at me, like we had this ongoing inside joke. "He's still getting used to saying it. It's so new! You can introduce me like that, sweetie."
Gale laughed halfheartedly. "Right, my fiancée, Clove."
"Doesn't that sound so nice?" she asked him, and he nodded. She turned back to us. "Doesn't that sound nice?"
Peeta nodded. "Oh, yeah," he said, and I could clearly hear the sarcasm in his voice whereas both of them were oblivious. "Sounds amazing."
"To die for," I said, and forced a smile. "Nice to see the both of you again."
Clove opened her mouth to say something else, but the memory must have come rushing back to her. Color flooded her face, all the way to the tips of her ears. "Yeah," she muttered.
"You look good, Catnip," Gale said, touching my shoulder. "Really good. Happy for you. Glad to see you've moved on and you know, all that."
I was fuming. "Of course I've-" I started to argue with him, but then stopped myself. "You know what, thanks." I said. I crossed my arms and felt Peeta's arm snake around my lower back, keeping a steady hold on me. "Have a great night," I said.
"Kinda weird our little sibs are getting married, right?" Gale asked.
"Like I said," I said, my voice much too cordial. "Have a great night."
They got the hint at the same time, nodding and bidding us goodbye as they walked away. Once they were out of earshot, Peeta faced me with wide eyes.
"What the hell was that?" he asked incredulously. "And why did he call you catnip?"
"That," I said. "Would be my ex. The only really serious relationship I've ever had. And his fiancée,or whatever the fuck, would be the bitch that he cheated on me with. Ignore the stupid-ass nickname."
He stewed over my words in his head, not saying much for a moment. "I could change part of that," he said. "I mean… maybe he doesn't have to be your only serious relationship. We…" he wrung his hands. "If you want, we could date. If you'd have me. God, I'm fucking this up." He let out a long sigh. "Katniss, will you be my girlfriend? That's what I'm trying to ask here. I've been trying to think of a way all night, and you just look so goddamn gorgeous, and-"
I shut him up by taking his chin in one hand and pressing my lips against his. A bold move, one that I normally wouldn't have done without alcohol, but my feelings towards him were so strong that nothing else seemed fitting.
Right then, it didn't matter how complicated things really were between us and how little he knew. What mattered was that in that moment, I felt like a beautiful woman. And in front of me was a beautiful man asking me to be his.
"Yes," I breathed after we broke apart, and his eyes were gleaming when I looked into them.
I didn't know what I expected him to say, but it definitely wasn't what came out of his mouth next. "We've done that before," he said, sounding bewildered.
I was at a loss for words. My mouth opened and closed like a fish, until I finally gave in to my stupidity and just made an affirmative sound. "Uh-huh."
"Room Seven. You're Lime Girl."
I snorted. "You really thought a lot of me, didn't you?"
"Oh, my god," he said. "I'm so sorry."
I wasn't really sure what he was apologizing for, but I knew I should be, too. "Don't be," I said. "I kicked you out."
"Yeah," he said. "But I should've been more upfront with you. I should've been clearer, more honest, it was over but I wasn't over her-"
I kissed him again, if only to get him to stop talking. That time, I held his face in both of my hands and he overlapped my wrists with his fingers, anchoring me there. When we pulled apart, he had the biggest, dopiest grin on his face that I had ever seen.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, curling a tendril of my hair behind my ear.
"I mean, I didn't think you'd forget me," I said, widening my eyes. "My ego was hurt. And then…I don't know. How would I? It was a lot."
"I didn't…"
"It's fine," I said. "Really." Suddenly, the realization hit me. "And thanks for letting me work for you. It was fun while it lasted."
He looked confused. "Are you quitting?" he asked.
"No…" I trailed off. "Aren't I fired?"
He chuckled. "No, no, no," he said. "Not only would that be pretty illegal, but it'd also be pretty damn stupid. You're fantastic at your job. And I happen to really, really like you."
I felt my face get hot again as I took his hands. "Well, then, let's go dance."
They played mostly slow songs, so I got to spend as much time as I wanted with my head on Peeta's chest and his arms wrapped low around my waist. I was practically exploding with happiness, and though there were plenty of eyes on us, I still felt like what we were beginning to have was just ours.
When the night was coming to a close, Peeta went to the bathroom and I was waiting by the door to leave when I felt a pair of hands spin me around by my shoulders.
"I can't believe you!" It was Johanna, with a devilish grin on her face. "You've been avoiding us all night."
"Have not," I said, my voice lilting.
"Liar!" Madge said. "You didn't tell us that you were bringing Peeta…are you two a thing? Are you crazy, Katniss?"
"Probably," I laughed. "And I avoided you for this exact reason. I knew you were gonna Guantanamo Bay me if you got me alone, and would you look at that…" Just then, Peeta walked out of the bathroom, straightening his cufflinks, and I smiled at my two best friends. "I have to go now. I'll see you soon."
"Katniss, wait, you-"
"Gotta go!" I linked my arm with Peeta's and he smiled down at me, shaking his head like he knew I had been up to something. "What?" I asked, scrunching my nose.
"Nothing," he said.
"Ready to go?" I asked, and then stood on my tiptoes to kiss him. He nodded. "Let me go hug my married sister. Want to come with me?" He agreed, and we found Prim and Rory, who were still at the head table, pretty much lost in each other's eyes. "We're gonna head out, Prim," I said, and leaned across the table to kiss her forehead. "You are beautiful. The wedding was beautiful." I pointed a stern finger at Rory. "If you hurt her, Rory, I will fuck you up. Believe me on that one."
Prim giggled, and I didn't miss her eyes flitting over to Peeta. "Have you been drinking?" she asked me.
"Barely," I said, although it was probably true that I wouldn't have had such a loose tongue if I didn't have a little alcohol in me. It was just enough to free me up, not enough to get me drunk. "Not even buzzed. Just a little confident right now, that's all."
"Okay, okay," Prim said, and stood up to give me a hug. After she kissed my cheek, she whispered into my ear, "I can't believe you brought Peeta..."
"Love you, too," I said, pulling away. "I'll see you soon."
