VII: Laugh, I Nearly Died

"I hate to be denied; How you hurt my pride; I feel pushed aside; But laugh, I nearly died," Laugh, I Nearly Died, The Rolling Stones


THREE YEARS LATER

I put what felt like the hundredth pin in my hair, reminding myself who I was doing this for. Lissa was in the room next door to me, and was expecting my best behaviour. Not that I needed to be told twice; today was as important to me as it was to her. I turned to face the mirror as soon as my hair was in a tidy knot on the top of my head, every single thread of hair pulled taunt, before checking that the make-up I'd picked out didn't show up. I didn't need anyone jumping down my neck about guardian protocol. Other than the make-up, I looked fine, if not a little tired and worn.

"Rose?" came Lissa's voice, although I didn't need to hear her to know that she was stood in my doorway. "Are you ready to go down yet? I can wait a little if you need more time." She looked picture perfect, her Royal blood shining through in upbringing and pride. She wore a smart black dress, the only splash of colour a red bow that pulled her hair back from her face. She made me feel underdressed in my guardian issue suit.

"I'm done," I answered, turning away from the mirror. A quick look into Lissa's thoughts told me her heart was as heavy as mine. It was always the same on this day, even if this was the third time an official commemoration had happened. The brief thought of Tatiana leading the ceremony made my temper rise, and without speaking, Lissa pulled me into a hug. I felt the warmth of Spirit briefly pass between us, and my mood lifted considerably. "Sorry," I murmured.

"It's alright. I don't mind. You're the one taking the darkness from me. It's the least I can do." She stepped away from me, examining me closely. "And I haven't had time to check up on you lately. You were due for another dosage of the good stuff." She smiled, trying to reassure me, but not all of my bad mood was down to Spirit's darkness, and couldn't be taken away so easily. I smiled back though, to make Lissa feel better.

It was three years ago today that the attack on St. Vladimir's Academy happened, and because of the seriousness of what had happened, a commemorative day had been held on this date every year since. All the survivors of the attack had come back to the school to pay respect to the dead and lost loved ones, along with significant Royal Moroi. It was just a showcase of goodwill, and didn't have sincerity or depth. At least, that was what I thought, but I hadn't shared my opinion. Not after everything that my friends had been through during that time. I kept it zipped, knowing the Queen would be here to speak of the dead.

Even though the school's guardians fought to the best of their abilities - with mine and Christian's unorthodox help - they had suffered severe losses. At least half of the school's guardians had been killed or taken captive by Strigoi, along with students and staff. This had let to a heated argument, between me and Alberta. I'd wanted to retrieve those who'd been lost, and she'd wanted to regroup and defend the school. Of course, being in charge gave her the edge over me, even though I'd managed to get a significant number of people behind me. She hadn't believed that I could lead them there safely, and the matter had been closed quickly, something I'd never gotten over.

"What are you thinking of Rose?" asked Lissa, interrupting my reminiscing. "You've got that pained expression on your face again. The one that says 'I'm going to hurt the next person who looks at me funny'. It's a dangerous look." By this point in her speech, I had arched an eyebrow and gathered my emotions into a box. It was amazing how naturally those traits came with tragedy. They spoke of nonchalance and control, and I needed to look like I was in control. However, both those traits bugged Lissa. She hated the guardian mask I'd perfected.

"Lets go, is what I'm thinking, so move it sister. It's okay to be fashionably late to a party, but not to a memorial service." I ushered her from my room, patting myself down to check I had a stake handy. We were on campus, inside of the wards, but it's amazing what one attack can do to your faith in their protection.

"I wish you wouldn't hide your feelings from me Rose," Lissa sighed as we moved out of the room and into the hallway. The sun was just setting, and orange shafts of light kept lighting our way in odd intervals. "You don't have to pretend to be holding up when you're not. It's alright to admit that you actually have a heart."

"Me. Heart. Have a?" I asked, managing to look surprised when she turned on me. "I don't have a heart. I eat them. That's what gives guardians an edge in battle. Lots of protein in a still - "

"Okay, okay, that's enough. I don't want to hear the end of that sentence." Lissa had wrinkled her nose in disgust, and I smirked at her. I tried to be myself around her, I really did, but I'd lost a lot of myself in the last three years, and it was hard to get back what was gone. She was changed too, I knew that, and it pained me to see weary lines and dark smudges around her eyes. But, I thought bitterly, at least she has Christian to share her pain with. Someone to complete her. "Do you think Tatiana will keep the ceremony in taste this year?"

I snorted. "I doubt she knows what the word taste even means. It'll be the same tacky stuff all Royals like to spout out with when they talk of guardians and sacrifices. They also like to keep Moroi out of the fray too, you know, because of the movement Tasha has behind her." Pain flared in my chest as I uttered that one word, something Lissa missed as we emerged into the courtyard, the sun dipping below the mountains.

Lissa had smiled when I mentioned Tasha. She'd spent a lot of time with her the past few months, spending every spare minute away from her course at Lehigh and the Royal parties she'd attended recently, with the Ozeras. It goes without saying that I hadn't managed to be her guardian, another blow that had hit me hard after everything we'd been through, but an expected one. I'd managed to scrape a good reputation together though, towards the last of my school days, and I'd gotten a Royal to protect; Adrian.

I had to give credit where it was due, and he'd managed to pull some heavy strings to get me. First off, he'd had to convince his parents that he was actually going to do something with his life, and needed a guardian for it. Next, he'd played up my contribution in the Strigoi attack on Vlad's, and played down my rebellious attempt to get back the stolen students. And finally, he'd sucked up to his great-aunty (who'd turned out to be the Queen herself) and convinced her I'd be good with him. Normally female guardians were assigned to girls, but since we were near each other in age, Adrian thought I'd make lethal arm candy.

"Adrian's here," Lissa said with a nudge, and I looked up in time to spot him coming over from the largest courtyard where the ceremony would be. Since so many people were coming, it had be held outside. "He looks happy to see you." I resisted the urge to snort again. Adrian was always happy to see me.

"Little Dhampir. Princess." He nodded his head at each of us, before coming to a halt near me. His proximity made me wonder which one of us was guardian. "I have news concerning the lineup for today's event. Headmistress, Priscilla Voda, Queen, Father. And as for the guest list, well, it seems that Tasha Ozera has decided to come this time." His eyes landed on me with a knowing glint, and my heart contracted tightly. If she was here, then he would be here too. Maybe.

"Does that mean Dimitri's here?" Lissa asked, voicing my fearful question. My heart was hammering faster, and tightening too so that it was suddenly hard to breath. Everything I'd ever felt towards him had built up into my chest, including the blame I'd laid on him for not being there when I needed him, when the school needed him. What ifs had haunted me after that fight, like what if Dimitri had been here? Would they have listened to him? He'd have listened to me. Maybe we'd have saved those who'd been taken ...

"Yes, the Russian's here too. I saw him talking with Eddie." Adrian's eyes hadn't left me, and I knew he was watching my every reaction, my every movement. I caught myself, straightening up so that my posture didn't give away the turmoil inside of me. I was Rose Hathaway, guardian, and I did not unravel at the sound of a man's name. "He wants to see you Lissa. He said it's been a while since your last visit with Christian."

Always Lissa he asked after, always her. I'd learnt to keep that jealousy buried deep within me. I'd learnt to keep a lot of things concerning Dimitri buried deep within me. I'd tried to let my love fade, let it die, but it never seemed to go away, forever torturing me. It had been three years, and I still hadn't grown out of it. And maybe I never would. But it seemed that the more it held onto my emotions, the less likely it was that I could form new relationships. And believe me, I'd tried. But instead of fighting against the inevitable, I worked with it.

"You should go see him," I told Lissa pleasantly, and I saw her react to my change in tone. "I'll hang out with my charge until the ceremony." Lissa turned to look at me, and I felt her frustration flood into me when she couldn't get a read on my facial expression. "I wanted to take a walk around the school too. See a few things."

Before she had time to argue or say something, I'd grabbed Adrian's arm and had pulled him towards the main building. He didn't object, letting me tow him along for a few feet, before I dropped it and sped up. He hurried to keep with me, but I wasn't going to give him a reaction. Not on Dimitri. Not on the attack. Not on anything. The past was the past because you couldn't change it. That was my new mantra, and I chanted it over and over in my head.

"Rose, wait up!" Adrian called, and I finally slowed. He'd done nothing wrong, and he was my closest confident after Lissa. Heck, maybe he was my closest confident period. I couldn't remember who I'd told what to, or if I'd even told anyone anything. Silence was another trait I'd learned recently. It was my greatest method of torture towards those closer to me. "Are you alright with Belikov being here?"

"Yes," I smiled widely, and shock flitted across his face as the sincerity hit him. "Why wouldn't I be? He has as every right to being here as I do." I saw from the corner of my eye that we'd managed to end up outside the gym. A memory crossed my mind. I shut it out.

"Well, you haven't spoken about or to him for years. And if you were really okay with it, really finished with him, wouldn't you have at least attempted to reconcile with him." Adrian was trying to be clever, but I was the master at fast talking. I stood perfectly still as I surveyed him, wondering why he was trying so hard with me.

"He was my teacher, Adrian, nothing more and nothing less. Anything that passed between us has finished. Do you keep in contact with all your old teachers?" He opened his mouth, but I was already talking again, knowing what his witty response would be. "I've had no need to contact him, so that can hardly be a good indication of my feelings towards him." Liar. It was a clear indication. "And I don't gossip."

"Right," Adrian replied, cynicism written all over his face. "Okay, whatever. But love just doesn't disappear. It leaves a mark, any mark, whether it's deep or brief. He made you into the person you are today, and you can't make me believe that you're alright with him being here, that his presence doesn't make you feel anything. Love can be a slow burner, getting hotter the longer it's left. Okay?"

Damn, he had me. I couldn't act like Dimitri hadn't affected me, because he would have had to have had some affect. But I could bloody well pretend I didn't care anymore. I smiled politely at Adrian. "I didn't know you were such a poet, Adrian."

He smiled too, a wide predatory smile, one that I'd seen him use to make women fall into bed with him. "I have a great many talents, Miss Hathaway, that I could show you, if only you let me. They start at poetry, and they end at - "

"I don't want you to spoil the surprise, Mr Ivashkov." I felt a genuine laugh coming, and smiled happily. Adrian was surprisingly good at cheering me up, and at giving advice. "Come on. I'll walk you to the ceremony so that none of the scary Strigoi eat you."

"I'm more worried about you eating me."

"Ha ha." A warmth had spread across Adrian's face, making the concern disappear. Once upon a time I would have felt guilty at making my friends worry about me, but now I was more concerned about keeping my secrets and my scars hidden from them. It was better that I kept them out, then have me hurt them any other way. Or at least that's how I felt. My rebellious nature had gotten them all into trouble too many times, and I'd learnt enough to make sure it never happened again.

We walked in companionable silence, not the awkward silence of strangers, or the professional silence of a watchful guardian. We were both deep in our thoughts, and I guessed that Adrian was probably remembering about the attack too. So many people had died or been turned, and I'd held responsibility for some of the damage for a long time. It wasn't healthy, but I used it as a driving force forward. It was something to defend, something to avenge.

As we turned the last corner, I spotted Lissa and Christian talking to Dimitri and Tasha. I hesitated only briefly, before moving toward them with Adrian by my side. My heart was hammering and I felt anxious at the thought of seeing him after three long years. But I wouldn't show it. Not when I knew how he felt. It was easy, too easy, to push those thoughts aside. Maybe it was in the way Dimitri looked up as I approached, maybe it was the hopeful gaze he wore, maybe it was the way he watched only me, but something made it easy to turn the longing into loathing.

"Lady Ozera. Guardian Belikov." My greetings were the opposite of Adrian's jovial ones, and brought attention down on myself. And even though I was stood as still as I could manage, I felt like the world was shifting under my feet. I could face down armies of Strigoi, but when it came to one Dhampir, my barriers broke down into tiny pieces. "I hope you've been well," I added.

"Rose!" Tasha exclaimed, pulling me out of a hug. I put my arms around her awkwardly, wondering why she seemed so overjoyed at my presence. "I've heard so much about you. It had me worried, especially when you didn't come visit with Lissa and Christian, but I guess that's because you have your own charge to look after now." Her eyes fell on Adrian, disproval clear. He still hadn't shaken his reputation completely, and it was probably due to the fact he hadn't changed completely, still drinking, still womanising. "I was so proud when I heard you graduated!"

"Thank you." Lissa was still staring at me, and I wondered if she was watching my aura. It was probably jet black. "I've heard that your campaign is going well too. You're really having a positive effect among the none-Royal Moroi. Maybe you'll convince Tatiana to come around too."

"How sweet of you," Tasha said, though her eyes said otherwise. Everyone was staring at me, and I couldn't figure out why. "But I still have a long way to go. Of course, Dimka's been a great help, training me to fight physically. Only defensive moves. He says offensive moves are for - "

But I never heard what offensive moves were for. All I heard was that stupid pet name for Dimitri, and my mind closed down on her words. Instead, I looked at Dimitri properly, the first time since I'd come over. My heart panged when I saw he looked unchanged, except for dark circles that shadowed his eyes. His hair was tied back in a ponytail, and he wore a dark mourning suit. But it was his eyes that held me, those deep brown eyes. I found myself falling into them, anguish choking me.

" - but the offensive magic is coming along better than either of the defensive or offensive moves he's been laying down." Tasha had been talking to no one. A strange silence had fallen on us all, as I watched Dimitri, he watched me, and everyone else watched both of us. "Of course," Tasha suddenly said, noticing what we were all doing. "You haven't seen Dimitri in years. You probably want to catch up and trade moves."

"Certainly," I said breezily. "I'd loved to trade moves with Dimitri." In a sparring match, I added silently, preferably with Dimitri on the floor, taking all the hits. "But it can probably wait to the ceremony is finished. I think Kirova is about to start her speech, and it would be rude of us to interrupt her by arriving late."

I spun on my heel, leading the way towards the seats, while trying to catch my breath. And it wasn't from seeing Dimitri again; it was from losing him all over again. Seeing him now would make it so hard to leave him without repairing some of the damage I'd created in my head. The longer I stayed and looked at him, the higher the chance of something explosive happening between us, good or bad. And my money was on bad.

"Good morning." Kirova had taken her place as we'd all sat down into our own seats. "And welcome back to St. Vladimir's. We are all here to commemorate a tragic day of loss and grieving, and it is good to see so many people taking an interest in the events that happened three years ago. Many were - "

It was all the same, always the same. Kirova introduced, Priscilla talked about waste, Tatiana spoke of loss, and then a Moroi priest listed all the names of the deceased. I couldn't help but flinch every time someone's name came up that I knew; Stan Alto, Jesse Zeklos, Abby Badica ... The list went on. Finally it was time for a pyre to be set alight, and all the guests rose from their seats at the same time. I rose too, hoping to disappear into the rush and deal with Dimitri another day.

I weaved in and out of different guests, my anger ebbing a little. The conflict was making me want to hit something, anything, just to let out the agitation in some form. It was hard to describe what I was feeling, because it was a little of everything. Hurt, love, anger, sadness, longing, hope. They all clashed and mixed. I walked a little faster, somehow desperate to run from my skin. When I broke free of the crowd, a hand reached out and grabbed my wrist, pulling me to the side.

I didn't need to look to know who had grabbed me; a bolt of electricity seemed to race through me, warming me and burning me at the same time. I snatched my arm back, and Dimitri faltered. His brown eyes looked down at me, a swirl of sadness mixing with a glimmer of need. We stood still for a long time, the noise of Moroi and Dhampirs chatting fading to a background dim. We were waiting for the other to concede and say something. I wasn't going to be that person.

"Roza," he finally breathed, and something inside of me snapped. "It's been too long. I've been waiting to see you again, ever since you graduated. And here we are."

"Yes. Here we are." I surveyed him coldly. How dare he call me Roza? Like it was something he could turn on and off at will. Adrian was right on one respect; love was a slow burner, but it could go out at any time. It couldn't, however, come and go as it pleased. "At a remembrance ceremony no less. Commemorating fallen friends."

"Rose?" Dimitri looked at me in confusion. "Is there something wrong?" he asked. I took his confusion to mean that he couldn't read me like he used to. "You seem so angry, so cold, so - " He paused, searching for a word to describe the way I glared at him. "So hurt," he settled on, and the soft tone to his voice made me want to collapse and cry. But I held on.

"I wonder why?" I said dryly. "It's not like my life has collapsed around my ears the past few years. Oh, wait, it did. Shame you weren't there to watch it. You could have had popcorn. A brilliant first date for you and Tasha. If you'd asked, I could have pulled a few strings to get you front row seats." The first blaze of emotion I'd shown him shone in his eyes. A reaction. I'd given him a reaction, and I'd sworn I wouldn't.

"You're different," he murmured, taking me by surprise. I had thought he would have taken the Tasha bait, but he'd ignored it. "You're not the same. Where's the Rose I left behind? The girl with so much optimism and hope. The girl who believed that she could make a difference, no matter what odds are against her. Where's that Roza?"

"If you have to ask, then we're done talking. I'm not a child, Belikov, and I don't need you tiptoeing around me like I might break." I turned to walk away, and he grabbed my wrist for a second time, pinning me to the nearest wall. I snarled, raising my knee to his groin. When one of his hands let go of my wrist to stop the motion, I made my move, grabbing his hair and yanking his head back. The force made his grip on me loosen, and I broke free. I let go of his head, and the minute he made after me, I sent my hand hurtling towards his face. The blow knocked him to the ground. "I'm not a child," I repeated.

As I walked away, I thought I heard Dimitri murmur my name, but I ignored it. I ignored everything that was around me, even the hammering of my heart in my chest. I was confused. So confused, and I didn't know what to do. A need filled me, and instead of returning to the ceremony or my room, I ran towards the gym. I needed to punch something, anything, but most of all, I needed to get away from the one man who could bring me to my knees.