Blaine expected some 'break his heart I'll break your face' talks when he started dating Kurt. He did not expect eighteen of them.
Protective
Finn
Finn loomed over him, looking all sorts of tall and awkward.
"I know you're cool and all, dude, but seriously, Kurt's my little brother now, so I'm going to have to kick the crap out of you if you make him cry." Finn rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Or at least slash your tires of something."
Rachel
She tapped him on the shoulder twice and waited patiently for him to turn around.
"If you're just dating him so you can break up with him and destroy our chances at nationals, I'm going to have my two gay dads tell all of their gay friends you're a gay basher. But I think you two are adorable if you don't. Totally Berry approved."
Sue
No direct contact with the victim. She didn't speak any words. The note she left under his pillow would do all the talking.
Will
They were in the empty chorus room, Will had caught him on his way to see Kurt in the auditorium.
"You seem like a nice guy, Blaine, and an excellent performer," The Spanish teacher smiled at him, "But we're all very protective of Kurt here. He is the youngest member of glee, after all. And if he cries and Finn decides that he wants to go get revenge on you instead of going to my class, I'm not going to stop him."
Mercedes
They were sitting at a coffee table in Starbucks, waiting for Rachel and Kurt to come back with their drinks when Mercedes spoke up.
"I know you're good for my boy, but if you screw this up, I'mma cut a bitch. And by 'bitch' I mean you."
Sam
"I haven't been here as long as everybody else. But I know Kurt. I like Kurt. He's a good guy. Don't mess this up." Here, he crosses his arms and suddenly seem ten feet taller, "And I punched Karofsky in the face for the guy. Don't think I wouldn't hit you."
Santana
"Remember, prep boy, I live in Lima Heights Adjacent," Her angry finger poked him in the chest, her red, scary sharp nail scratching his chest through his T-Shirt, "Bad shit goes down in Lima Heights Adjacent. And I carry a razor in my weave. Watch yourself."
Brittany
The only thing the blonde does is lean forward and whisper, "You better make my dolphin happy. I hope you like his kissing as much as I did." That one makes him a little uncomfortable.
Artie
He waves Blaine over and points at the wheels of his wheelchair, "This chair has steel in it. I broke three toes on someone by running over their foot on accident. I'll leave you to think about what I could do on purpose," Then he wheels backwards, never blinking or taking his eyes off Blaine until he's completely out of sight.
Mike
Mike is probably the nicest one, just patting Blaine's shoulder and informing him that, "Everyone really likes Kurt, even the ones who say they don't. That includes me. So, you know, tread carefully."
Wes
"I know I've known you for years and only talked to Kurt like twelve times. But he has cool hair and I like him more. So if you break up I'm totally taking his side.
David
"You know, he's a countertenor. That's hella sexy. If I was gay, I would totally go for it. Actually, if you break up I'm totally gonna hit on him. So, you know...don't break up with him. Don't make me do that to my girlfriend, Blaine. Because I would leave her for Kurt. Just sayin'."
Tina
"Most people think vampires don't exist. But they do. And I am one," This, Blaine decides, is the weirdest warning of them all, "Ask Principal Figgins. He knows the truth."
Quinn
She's leaning against the wall outside the chorus room when he leaves, wearing one of her sundresses and smiling prettily, "Remember, Anderson, I had a baby. I know how much pain someone can go through without dying. For Kurt, I am willing to inflict that pain on you. Or at least get someone else to do it for me." She flounces away, all Jesus and smiles again.
Lauren
"I don't really know Kurt, but he seems cool. And everyone else gets to threaten you, so I figured, what the hell, why not let this dude know I'm the only girl in Ohio on the boys wrestling team?"
Puck
Puck doesn't actual verbally threaten him, just says, "Kurt's a good guy, even if he is a little effeminate for a dude. And yes, I threw him into dumpsters for a year and a half, but I still know you're a lucky guy for getting him. I think you know it too. I mean, you seem like a smart guy," of course, the fact that Puck is holding Blaine by the color and may or may not be reaching for a pocket knife in his pocket completely cancels out his kindly words.
Matt
His phone rings and the caller ID flashes with a number he doesn't recognize, and when he picks it up he hears heavy breathing and a quiet but strong voice, "Break his heart, I'll break your face man." and then whoever it is hangs up and Blaine wonders what just happened, because he has no idea who that was.
Burt
Blaine sat in the kitchen while Kurt got ready for their date upstairs. Across the table, Burt smiled falsely, cleaning his hunting rifle while he spoke, "So, Blaine, what are your intentions towards my son?"
And then he opens his mouth, happy that he's gone through this so many times he has an actual answer for the most important threat of them all.
