A/N: Real life is seriously trying to take me down, so, although I intended to wait a few days to post this, this is my fight back. Always been a fighter, always will be. Thank you to all who continuously support me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle nor do I intend any copyright.
My Rock
"So often, we push away the voices closest to us,
But once they're gone, we reach for them."
-Mitch Albom
Castle wakes with a pain in his neck that mirrors the dull thudding in his head. He's vaguely aware that the smooth leather against his cheek doesn't match the soft Egyptian cotton he's used to waking up to. He rubs his eyes a few times, squinting as his eyes struggle to adjust to the light.
Oh, right.
He slept at The Old Haunt.
He groans as he pulls himself off the couch and shuffles through the top drawer of his desk until he finally finds a bottle of aspirin. He takes the bottle with him and grabs a bottle of water from the bar area before locking up and hurrying to his car. Thankfully no one seems to be around to see him. All he needs is a headline that reads, "Richard Castle, hung-over and alone, stumbles from pub in the early morning hours." Yeah, that's definitely the last thing he needs.
He's never been more thankful for the quietness of the loft when he walks in the door. He's gripping another letter from Kate tightly in his hand, but he can't deal with it just yet. He's still reeling from the one he read last night. Emotions and hang-over headaches don't mix and if he had a choice right now he'd pick neither of them.
He leaves the newest letter along with the one he read last night on his bed. Maybe a shower will help clear his mind. He's thrilled that she's decided to share so much of herself with him, parts of her that he knows no one else will ever see. He wants that to be enough to fix them, but it's not.
After a long, scalding hot shower that he never wants to end, he starts to feel better physically. He fixes some soup and a grilled cheese and then calls his mother and Alexis to catch up with them. If they pick up on his somber mood, they don't mention it, and he's grateful for that. He's also thankful that they understand when he tells them he needs a little more time to process things.
Afterwards, he watches a few movies and lets the real world fade away for a few hours. There's nothing like a good Star Trek marathon to take your mind off things. By the time he re-enters his bedroom it's well into the early hours of the next morning. He's in a much better mood and he's ready to read Kate's letter. But nothing could have prepared him for the depths of this sixth and final description of what lies within her heart.
Castle,
Last night my phone rang and I expected it to be anyone but you. By the time I got to it the ringing had stopped. The call was from you, Castle. It only rang three times, but it was your face on my screen. I hoped you would call back, but it never rang again. Does this mean you've read my letters? Are you waiting for me to call you back?
I've been dreading this letter since I started writing to you. None of these six letters have been easy to write, but sharing the missing pieces of my heart with you was something we both needed. I never realized how much it would hurt to put all of that into writing, but I also never knew how much it would help.
This will be my last letter because if I haven't made clear what I want by the end of this, then I don't deserve for you to come to me. So far I've told you about people of the past that I've had to let go of. Each of those losses shaped me into who I am and while they were extremely painful at the time, I wouldn't change it. If I know you, you'll want to know why—because if I changed anything about my life, I may never have met you.
I need to be completely honest with you, so if you've read my other letters please don't stop reading this one until the end. I got the job in D.C. and I accepted it. I wanted to tell you in my first letter, but I was afraid that if I did you wouldn't hear me out.
I never expected to get the job, but I kept telling myself that if the opportunity presented itself to me that I wasn't going to turn it down. This is a great opportunity for me to do more and if I turn it down, I'm afraid that I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Regretting tends to lead to resenting and I don't ever want to resent you or anyone else in my life, Castle.
If you don't believe anything else that I say please believe that I'm not choosing this job over you. That was never my intention when I went for the interview. This brings me to the most important part of my heart that I need to share with you.
This past year with you has been so much more than I ever could have asked for. I fought my feelings for you for so long and once I finally gave into them I couldn't justify my reasons for doing that for so long. You're such an amazing man and you've been so good to me.
The past couple months made me question things about us and I know that I should have just discussed them with you, but I was scared, Castle. I didn't want to ruin what we had going because I was feeling insecure. You can read me like a book, but I can't say the same about you. Sometimes I have no idea what you're thinking or feeling. You hide behind your humor and crazy theories sometimes and it's your way of keeping people at arm's length. I'm not blaming you for it because my choices brought is to where we are right now, but I think if we ever have a chance of moving forward, we have to learn to let each other see even the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.
When Meredith stayed with us while my apartment was being fumigated, I listened to some of the things she was saying and I let it get to me. She told me that the reason you split up was because you knew everything about her, but she knew nothing about you—well none of the deeper stuff anyway. I know that I should have never let her of all people get to me because she probably did it on purpose, but Castle, I can't help but think that while I know a great deal about you, there are still parts of you that you keep hidden away.
By the time we encountered Eric Vaughn I was really struggling with a way to talk to you about where we were heading with our relationship. I didn't want to rush things by any means, but I've told you before that I'm a one and done kind of girl and I want you to be my one. While I was protecting Vaughn he questioned me about how serious you and I were and I couldn't answer him, Castle. I wanted so badly to tell him that you were it, but I had no idea what your thoughts on that were.
I realize that you waited for me for four years and I know you care about me and love me, but I can't help wondering if that's enough. I know what I did—not telling you about D.C. was wrong, Castle. I'm so incredibly sorry for shutting you out and not just opening up to you about everything I was feeling. If we make it through this, I promise to talk to you about things, I promise to be open with you.
I've never known what it's like to let go of you as a lover, but I have experienced letting go of you in other ways. The summer you asked me to go to the Hamptons with you was the first. I initially turned you down, but by the time I decided to take you up on the offer it was too late. I spent the entire summer kicking myself for not speaking up sooner. I also spent that time trying to distance myself from the feelings I was clearly starting to feel for you.
The second time was after I was shot. I made that decision myself, but it was only because I was so terrified that if I let you in, I would destroy you. I was a ticking time bomb that summer, Castle. If I'm being completely honest, I was worse off than right after my mother was murdered. I completely lost myself and I was determined not to take anyone down with me.
What I'm really trying to say is that I've tried letting go of you, Castle. I've tried, but I just can't. You are so much a part of me, I don't think I ever could. I don't want to have to try ever again. Letting go of you—the finality of it would destroy me completely.
If you'll give me a chance, I'll put forth the effort to make this work. I'll own up to my mistakes, and I'll tell you anything else that you want to know. You know every vulnerable part of me now, every part of my heart.
Tomorrow is my last day in the city. My flight for D.C. leaves early the next morning. I'm not going to beg you to stay with me. I know what taking this job means and I won't ask you to give up your life here for me. People do long distance all of the time. If you still want me after this, I'll be home all day. If you don't show up before my flight leaves, I'll take the hint and this will be the last you hear from me.
I love you, Castle. I love you with every piece of who I am. You came into my life and filled in all of the pieces that life stole from me. If this is really over between us, the void you leave will be irreplaceable. I'm willing to fight for us, so I guess the question is, are you?
Please don't give up on me.
I love you, always.
-Kate.
He's numb. Physically and emotionally numb. Her words ripped through him like the force of a hurricane on a small, deserted island. The devastation is almost too much to handle. She took the job and she's leaving. He put off reading the letter and now her last day in the city is over. If he wants to talk to her he's going to have to go now.
He looks down at the watch that he's yet to take off his wrist. It's nearly five a.m. and, although her letter didn't specify an exact time, he's sure that if he doesn't go right now, he'll miss her. But what does she really want? Is he willing to forgive her and try to move past this?
He makes a split-second decision, grabbing his phone and keys and rushing through the loft. They still have a lot to discuss. Hell, he's not even sure this is really going to work, but he can't let her go without at least trying. He waited for four years, he forgave her for her other mistakes. She's opened up to him, admitted her mistakes and let him inside; he owes her at least a real life discussion.
It might not work; they might not be able to fix this. Or it might be the thing that does fix them and they might get a future together after all. He'll never be able to live with himself if he doesn't go to her, if he doesn't try.
He's too impatient to wait for a cab and take a chance on missing her so he rushes to his car and quickly navigates it out of the parking garage. He manages to dodge most morning traffic and make it to her apartment rather quickly.
His heart hammers in his chest, breaths coming quickly as he rushes up the stairs to her floor. He couldn't stand waiting for the elevator. He pauses only for a second outside her door before the loud thud of his fist connecting with her door echoes through the hallway.
He waits but she doesn't come. He quickly locates her key on his ring, reasoning that maybe she's in the shower and doesn't hear him knocking. When the lock turns and he swings her door open he knows instantly that he's too late.
The once tastefully decorated apartment is now empty. It's a vacant space that mirrors the current state of his heart. There is no hint of the warmth that used to flood his system as soon as he'd walk in her door. It's empty, cold and dark.
She's gone.
He doesn't even have to walk through the entire apartment to know. He waited too long to come for her.
He takes one last look around before slowly closing and locking the door. This time his walk down the stairs is slow, his demeanor completely changed. He takes his time, letting each step burn through his body.
If only he'd taken the elevator up, or walked more quickly back down the stairs, he may have found the missing piece of his heart.
The next chapter will pick up right where this one leaves off. :)
Thank you to Bri, for everything. xoxo
As always, would love to hear your thoughts. Xo
