A/N: Okay just a reminder. This is a CRACK fic! Don't take ANYTHING so seriously!!

Oh, I have this poll on what your thoughts are on The Bracelet. Check it out! In my profile!

(1) Yeah, don't hurt me! (Still gets hurt by thousands of flying shuriken and kunai)


"WHAAAAT?!"

"Shut the fuck up gaki!" Tsunade scolded, hitting Naruto upside the head. "This is a hospital! People are trying to sleep!

"Oh, go easy on him, shishou." Sakura chuckled nervously, trying to calm her teacher. "It's not everyday you learn you are pregnant with Sasuke-kun's child."

"It's SASUKE'S?!!" Naruto bellowed, earning himself another whack from Tsunade.

"Well, of course it's Sasuke-kun's." Sakura replied, looking at Naruto suspiciously. "Unless...You've been fooling around with someone I don't know about?"

"NO! I mean I--!" Naruto's face turned an interesting shade of red. Shifting his gaze unto Tsunade, he asked, "How can this be possible?"

"What? You don't know?" Tsunade inquired, shock written all over her face.

"If I knew, why the hell would I ask?"

Tsunade gave him a funny look. "I guess I can explain...But really you ought to know this shit. Ahem, so when a boy and a girl or specifically in your case, a boy and another boy love each other very much-!"

"NO! Oh god, not that! I've had enough of that from Ero-sennin!"

"Jiraiya writes Yaoi porn novels?" Sakura asked, incredously.

"NO! I mean about the se-se-!" Naruto's face had turned so red it would've matched Gaara's hair. The blush had crept up to his ears and even lower nearing his collar bone. His expression was priceless, his mouth agape like a fish as he searched for the right words.

"Say it with me." Tsunade coached. "Se-ex! Sex!"

"Shut up obaa-chan!" Naruto pouted, crossing his arms. "And 'sides! It's not possible! It's just not possible!"

"Oh? And why not?"

"C-Cause I-I...I-!"

Tsunade and Sakura stole a glance at one another, both wearing identical smirks. Unable to contain herself, the blonde medic stiffled a chuckle.

Sakura, forcing herself to frown, leaned in closer to Naruto, cupping a hand over her ear. "What? Sorry, Naruto. I didn't quite catch that!"

"I-I'm a-a-!"

Tsunade, not being a very patient woman, shook her fist at the jinchuuriki."Out with it you brat!"

"I'M STILL A VIRGIN! THERE HAPPY?! Senile, old hag!"

Tsunade and Sakura both stared at Naruto as if he had grown two heads. Sharing a look, the two medics collapsed into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

"Ahahaha! Oh god, I couldn't take it anymore!" Tsunade gasped out, clutching her stomach. "His face! His face! Did you see his face?! Priceless!!"

"Man, I wish I had a camera!" Sakura choked out, slumping down to the floor.

"Ano...Did I miss something?" Naruto inquired, staring at the two cackling women.

"No! J-Just the funniest prank ever!"

"Eh?"

Regaining her breath, Tsunade wiped away a few stray tears and straightened up. She stared at Naruto's face for few seconds, letting out a few giggles before breaking into a new bout of laughter. "Ahahaha! Sakura, you explain! I can't-Ahahaha-can't look at him right now!"

Sakura nodded, managing to gather her bearings. She slowly stood up, wiping away the imaginary dust on her skirt, before turning to Naruto. "See this is what we figured." she began. "You, my dear friend, has gotten away with plenty, I mean plenty, of annoying little pranks. Ranging from painting the Hokage Monument to dying everything and everyone in the Council Chamber orange."

"And since I am the most revered hokage, I decided it was time for payback." Tsunade broke in. "So, Sakura and I planned this little hoax to scare the shit outta ya! Did it work?"

Naruto could feel his jaw dropping. He huffed angrily, turning away from the two. "That was a stupid prank!"

"We'll take that as a yes!"

It took nearly every ounce of will power Naruto had in his possesion to restrain himself from killing the two. Really, don't they have anything better to do than mess around like this? He voiced out his thoughts only to have Sakura point out that he must also have a lot of time to still be pranking people at his age.

Combing back a few stray hairs, that much to her dismay, had taken on a gray color, Tsunade cleared her throat. Commanding attention with the imposing air that only a weathered leader could have. "Alright, that's enough you two."

Naruto and Sakura froze. They knew that tone. Tsunade only used it when giving her ANBUs high ranking missions or during a critical sugery. It was basically her way of saying "SHUT UP OR I WILL KILL YOU!"

"Now, we weren't lying about the fact that we have examined your entire body Naruto. We checked everything and to be quite frank, you're healthy. In fact the healthiest I've ever really seen you."

"That's good then isn't it?" Naruto meekly ventured.

"Hell no gaki! We have no idea how this curse works and any wrong move could bring your death closer. It would've been nice to see what a wrong move would be in this situation but since we don't, I'll be prohibiting your participation on missions."

"WHAT?! B-But you can't do that! The Jounin Exams are coming up and I'm still short one B-class mission!"

"Too bad gaki, live with it."

Naruto gritted his teeth. He jumped down from the bed, stormed over to a door and slammed it shut.

"That's the closet gaki."

"I knew that!"

Getting out of the closet, Naruto stomped over to the entrance door and slammed it shut. Sakura sighed, pitying her blonde friend. Especially now since he had just left with back of hospital gown still showing off his cute bum. She dearly hoped he didn't go out like that. He might get raped.

Lowering her gaze, Sakura massaged the bridge of her nose. Tsunade, taking note of her student's actions, walked over.

"We can fix this. I hope you're not giving up yet."

Sakura looked up at her teacher, shaking her head sadly. "It's not that. I'm just wondering how foolish he was to not dress before leaving! With that bracelet on, he could get really hurt out there!"


Naruto was furious. No he was beyond furious, way beyond. How could that hag do this to him?! Didn't she know the Jounin Exams were important to him? He could never become Hokage this way! And she said he would help him! Bah!

The rain had stopped and the sun was once again shining. Everyone had resumed their daily business until...A certain blonde walked out of the hospital. With his cute little cheeks, not the one on his face mind you, reddening as a chilly breeze swept throughout the streets.

Naruto wrapped his arms around himself, shivering as the breeze slowly died down. He was clearly unaware of the hungry stares following him or the horde of horny, hormonal boys stalking him. No, he was still thinking of the lost oppurtunity he had at the Jounin Exams. These exams happened every once a year. If he missed this chance he'll have to wait another twelve months. And if he doesn't take the exams, he will be left behind by Sasuke. There was no doubt in Naruto's heart that Sasuke was going to pass and then, the frikkin bastard would become more stronger than him. And-and if Sasuke becomes a jounin, he won't be able to go on as much missions with him as usual...

Naruto's stalkers had come very close to him and as the little kitsune turned the corner, they pounced. They surrounded the confused jinchuuriki, wolfish smiles adorning their faces.

"Are you feet tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long!"

"Can-can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?"

"If I told you that you had a great body would you hold it against me?"

"Honey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

"Hey baby, you got something on your butt: my eyes!"

Shouts of corny pickup lines filled the air until finally, one man, either stupid or brave, stepped forward. He was kind of nice looking, short, curly brown hair and dark green eyes. He smiled disarmingly.

"Hi. I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?"

Naruto could gape at him. "Wha?"

Angry mutters and whispers was heard throughout the crowd. One man was irritated enough to step forward, and hug poor, astounded Naru-chan from behind.

"Hey dude, back off! He's mine!" the man shouted, a wandering hand squeezing one of Naruto's cheeks.

Naruto yelped, as he struggled to break free. "I am no ones! Now let go!"

For a moment there was silence, then a new voice piped up. "Oi, oi! Obviously the little blondie doesn't like you! Why don't you just hand him over to me?"

"Like hell he belongs to you! He belongs to me!"

"No, he's mine!"

"Are you guys stupid? He's mine!"

Before Naruto knew it, a fight had broken out between all of his "admirers" and he was caught in the middle of it! What shocked him more was that some had the audacity to grope him and touch him in inappropriate places between punches! Had these people no shame?

After being shoved for the last time, Naruto had had enough. "Argh!! Ack! Stop it! Let me through!"

As if to answer his prayers, pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and delivered him from the chaos of the crowd.

"Scram all you unyouthful children! Naruto is mine!" his saviour shouted, his arms frighteningly familiar.

"Or you'll do what?" one of his admirers asked idiotically.

His saviour gave him a death glare. His black eyes burning with hatred. "Do you really want to know?"

"N-No..."

"Then scram!"

In less than a second, the street was clear again. Except for the few bodies lying on the ground, Naruto and his saviour were alone.

"Are you alright Naruto?" His saviour asked, placing him gently on the ground.

"Yeah, sure am! Thank you, I--! What are you doing?" the blonde questioned, dread washing over him.

The green clad jounin, Maito Gai was offering him a wilting daisy, on bended knee no less. His eyes were swimming in tears. "You are in you springtime of youth, Uzumaki Naruto! I like that about you. Please be mine!"

Naruto could only stare in helpless amazement as Gai shouted his undying love...For him?! Without further ado, his eyes rolled back and the poor kitsune jinchuuriki fainted.


A/N: Don't hate me! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm really really sorry!! Finals are here, but so is winterbreak. This is my Christmas present to you guys. It's crap and lousy dog shit I know but...yeah. It's crap...I'm having finals right now, I promise I'll do better!! Tell me how bad it is!

Wanted: Beta reader! Someone who knows their shit! Cause I do not! Really beta reader! Preferably experienced.

Domo arigatou SilverMoonRyu! I really appreciate the help, thanks!