This is my only movieverse fanfic, and, as it were, Ironhide is one of my favourite characters in the new movie. And yet he has, like, zero dialogue here. I knew I had to fix it somehow. I also never touched on Glen's crush on Maggie (which is totally canon, by the way – read the novelisation if you can find it!). Plus I needed to give some love to little Asimo! Thus, this chapter was born!

Speaking of Asimo, has anyone seen the new Honda commercial with Asimo in it? It came on the other day when I was watching telly with the fam, and I was all, "OMG GASP WHEEZE" and my sister was all "OMG ARE YOU OKAY" and my brother was all "Breathe, stupid!" Yup. Anyway, it's probably on youtube, though I haven't checked. Asimo sure is cute.

I have multiple uncles that are Hell's Angels, thus the HA reference. (Daly City Angels, yo!) Also, the little kids that make a brief appearance are named after my brother and cousin. Cos I promised I would.

Is it weird that I'm working on chapter seven and haven't started chapter eight, but I've finished the first half of chapter nine? Well, that's also cos chapter nine was originally gonna be chapter seven, but I pushed it back. Most of the chapters stand alone as oneshots anyway.

I don't own "Transformers", the Honda Asimo, or a majority of Wreck-Gar's dialogue.

Can't we all just agree that the disclaimers from previous chapters still apply?

oOo

It figured. Nothing ever went Glen's way. Ever. His dream girl was stolen by a giant, possibly-homicidal, possibly-bipolar alien. His new white Vans had mud caked all over them. His cousin's hamster had chewed through one of the cords for his Nintendo Wii. His best friend within the Autobots, Blurr, was helping a group of Autobots fix a highway they had recently damaged. And it was a week until the most beautiful girl in the galaxy turned a year older, and he didn't have a gift. Nor did he know what to get her, because with aforementioned homicidal bipolar alien around, he couldn't possibly ask what she wanted!

There were only a few people who could help him in this dire emergency. Mikaela and Sam were out on a date, with Bumblebee acting as their chauffeur, natch. Jazz was attending a government meeting with Optimus Prime and Prowl. Blurr was, as before, busy, and Hot Rod and Arcee were working the same highway. And asking Maggie was, of course, out of the question! Leaving him no humans and one robot to turn to for help.

"Man," he scratched his head, "where is that damn Asimo when you need it!?"

oOo

Ironhide played the role of the tough guy within the Autobots, sort of like your gruff-but-loveable uncle who happens to be in the Hell's Angels. Which is why it comes as no surprise that he was currently in one of the many practice rooms, practising his already-impeccable shooting skills. But those who knew him knew that underneath all that, he was really a big softie.

Glen did not know Ironhide very well, which is why it came as a bit of a shock that with the Topkick in Target Practice was the little Asimo. When Honda had made the robot, they probably hadn't realised that it would one day be learning to shoot an alien weapon, with a giant robot as it's tutor.

If only because it'd be amusing later, Glen whipped out his cell and began filming.

"No, not like that," Ironhide tweaked the cannon in the tiny-by-comparison robot's arm, so that the angle was adjusted. "You're holding it all wrong."

The Asimo stumbled from the adjusted weight, accidentally pulling the trigger and causing the nearest target to explode.

"…Slag…" Ironhide helped the little thing up. "Wrong setting… guess we used too much power."

"Hey!" Glen pocketed his phone. His sudden shout caused the weapons specialist to jump and yank the weapon away from the little white robot. The image would have made Glen laugh, if Ironhide's glare didn't make him feel like pissing himself. "Uh… I need to borrow Asimo."

"I'm using it," the black mech growled. "Get your own."

"Aw, c'mon, man – I need to get Mags a birthday present and it's the only one who can help me!"

" 'Mags'?" Ironhide turned to the Asimo, who shrugged.

"Y'know…" Glen shifted nervously. "Maggie? Blonde Australian hacker lady? Smokin' bod and itty bitty miniskirts? Currently banging a space-motorcycle?"

Asimo chirped happily in understanding, tapping Ironhide's shin excitedly. The taller robot insisted, "I knew that…"

"Great! So, I can take it shopping, right?"

"Wrong. I'm watching it today." Ironhide paused. He also had neglected to get Maggie a birthday present, whatever that was. Quickly downloading an episode of some TV show from Google Video in which a human femme's bondmate forgot her birthday, he decided it would be in his best interests not to forget Maggie's. "I'm coming with you."

"What!?"

oOo

And so within a matter of minutes Glen and the Asimo were sitting in the cab of a shiny black Topkick on their way to the mall. Glen was contentedly playing PSP while Ironhide complained about the noises coming from the game system:

"Shut that stupid thing off before I do it for you!"

To spite the cranky mech, Glen turned the volume up even more.

"That's it!" Ironhide rumbled, then suddenly swerved, causing the PSP to go flying out the window and through a nearby fence on the sidewalk.

"What the hell?" the disgruntled human started tugging at the door handle. "What a dick move, man! Stop!"

Making a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sigh, Ironhide pulled over. Glen leapt out and ran to the fence, stretching his right arm through the bars in a futile effort to retrieve his precious gaming system.

"I can't reach… just a little more… Asimo, help me out!"

The little robot obligingly hopped out of Ironhide's cab and began pushing its owner's friend. The idea was the extra push would help the human retrieve the little black machine it valued so much. The result was less-than-desired…

"I'm stuck!" Glen realised. "Ironhide, you're a strong guy! Help a brotha out, will ya?"

"No," Ironhide answered. "I'm not your brother. Besides, somewhat might see me transform. I'm in disguise – I'm supposed to be a secret, remember?"

"Secret, shmecret – half the people from the Mission City battle posted crappy cell phone videos on youtube."

"In disguise," Ironhide repeated. He was enjoying this.

Asimo looked back and forth between the human and the bigger robot-turned-truck, as if evaluating the situation, then calmly walked around the fence and picked up the PSP, handing it to Glen.

He glared. "You mean to tell me I could have walked around the fence and picked it up the whole time?"

"It was another option. If getting your head stuck didn't work, anyway," Ironhide replied smugly. Asimo made hand gestures akin to, "hang on, I'll think of something!"

"Ironhide, shut up. Asimo, try pulling me out from the other side," Glen offered.

The white robot nodded, then walked around the fence to pull on Glen's ankles. The human winced at the strain on his head… then winced even harder when he heard a loud rrrriiippp.

Ironhide's laughter did little to help the situation.

"Asimo," Glen gritted his teeth, trying his best not to get angry, "that ripping sound wouldn't happen to be my pants, would it?"

Managing to look sheepish even without a face, the little white robot slunk back around to the side of the fence where Glen's head was. With the body language of an ashamed child, it held up what had once been pants.

He sighed. "Just… go down to the nearest store and get some tools to get me out, okay? Can you two manage that?"

Asimo nodded fervently and ran back to Ironhide, who was still snickering evilly. As if the day wasn't bad enough, as soon as the two robots drove off, Glen heard two tiny giggles behind him. Great. He hated kids.

"Look, Chad, some pervert got his head stuck!"

"What's a pervert, Brendan?"

The two little boys ran around to look at the humiliated expression on the "pervert"'s face, laughing.

"Get outta here!" Glen tried to grab at them, but they were out of reach. "Go on! Get!"

After a few minutes, the two ran off gleefully, and Glen sighed. "Maggie had better appreciate what I go through for her… and where the hell are Ironhide and Asimo!?"

oOo

Night had fallen by the time the Topkick and the human-made robot returned to the fence and, by proxy, the human who was stuck, pantsless, barefoot, wet, and very agitated.

Asimo, clutching a plastic bag, poked at Glen's bare feet curiously, as if wondering where the shoes went.

Ironhide huffed, "Why do you smell like wet rodent?"

"Hobo took my shoes," Glen explained, "and two little snot-nosed brats squirted me with their damn Super Soakers. Did you bring tools?"

Asimo nodded, reaching into the plastic bag and proudly extracting a screwdriver.

Glen stared incredulously, twitching for a few seconds, before shouting, "A screwdriver!?"

The Honda robot seemed to shrink into itself, and Ironhide jumped to its defense:

"It's not Asimo's fault if you failed to give him proper direction! He had to improvise!"

"Oh, so now it's a he?"

"Well he's certainly not a she."

"What the hell am I gonna do with a screwdriver!?"

"Drive screws."

Asimo looked so dejected that if he hadn't been pissed, Glen would have felt bad for it. Except for the fact that the little robot didn't really have true emotions, and for every "tool" it pulled out of the bag, Glen got madder and madder. A nail clipper. A box of crayons. A plastic butterknife. A cheap lighter. A USB flash drive. A pair of earrings. A wrench and some pliers. This was starting to get ridiculous.

"Asimo," Glen stopped the robot as it was pulling out a dreamcatcher, "is there anything in there that can logically help me? Like a pry bar, or something slippery…?"

"Wheeljack requested we pick up some motor oil," Ironhide offered. The Asimo dropped the dreamcatcher and eagerly brought out a container of motor oil.

"Wh-what!?" Glen protested loudly as he felt the slimy liquid being poured onto his neck. "This is gonna stain, and my Grandma don't like stains! Stop that, Asimo – do I look like a motor that needs oiling? Aw, man…"

oOo

It was fairly late, and many Autobots were enjoying some off time in the common room when Ironhide returned from wherever he'd been, flanked by a gleeful looking Asimo and a humiliated, pantsless, barefoot, wet, cold, and oil-streaked human.

Hot Rod was the first to start laughing. Arcee hit him, and he laughed even harder, which caused Bumblebee, Wheeljack, and Sideswipe to laugh, which caused Jazz to laugh, which caused Blurr to laugh uncontrollably, which even managed to make Arcee, Prowl, and Ratchet smile…

Glen decided to walk home that night. It was going to be a long week.

-TBC-

I love the Asimo. I just want to hug it and take it home and love it forever.

This was a fun chapter to write!