Warning: Some language and Spirk (Spock/Kirk) (not explicit)
McCoy lurches forward to help Kirk but is stopped by Spock's firm grip on his upper arm. He whips around, demanding, "Lemme go! What are ya doin'? We gotta help Jim!"
"Doctor, look carefully," Spock tells him, "I believe they are in the process of transferring back."
McCoy looks back to the other two. Kirk's hands are wrapped around Lester's throat, but they are not moving. They are completely stalled, frozen, pain etched on their faces. McCoy moves to go to them again, wanting to make sure they were okay. Spock tightens his grip in a warning.
"Do not interrupt the process. We do not know how they will be affected if you do so."
Spock's eyes show concern. He's as worried for Kirk as McCoy is. The doctor backs up a bit, and Spock loosens his grip slightly; he does not let go. They watch Lester and Kirk in tense expectation for any change in their physical condition. McCoy does not like waiting, not when patient health is concerned, and especially not when that patient is Kirk. He feels Spock trying to offer calming thoughts through the point of contact in his arm, but McCoy pushes them away. While he appreciates what Spock is trying to do, he does not want to be calm just now. He cannot be calm. He watches. He waits.
Minutes pass before they see the first signs of movement. The body of Janice Lester starts to tremble. Little sounds begin to pass the lips until her voice is shrieking, "NO! NO, IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!"
Kirk's body starts into life, and his hands are immediately withdrawn from Lester's throat. McCoy can see right away that they have indeed switched back. Lester rounds on Kirk, beating on his chest with her fists in a rage, screaming incoherently. Kirk grabs her wrists to stop her, and that final defeat sends her slumping to the floor, sobbing brokenly. McCoy manages to pull away from Spock and rushes over to them. Lester is in the midst of a full psychotic and emotional break, unable to do anything but sob and convulse on the floor. McCoy, in a fit of compassion, sedates her before she hurts herself.
Kirk seems fine, save for some heavy breathing, and he looks no worse for wear. He returns his attention to the slowly calming Lester, the sedative working hard to pump through her adrenaline and anger and grief. Dr. Coleman emerges to survey the scene. His expression is one of sadness and pity when he asks McCoy, "Will she be alright, doctor?"
"I think so. I've just sedated her for now, but she'll need some more expert help, the kind of help she didn't get before," McCoy explains.
"Please, Dr. McCoy, I'll look after her until we reach a starbase. I promise. Please, I've told you how much she means to me. She's like a daughter to me…"
"I don't see why not, Dr. Coleman, you're a decent enough fella. Jim told me you wanted no part of her crazy scheme, and I think you've proven you wanna help. I'll assign a nurse to her case, as well."
Coleman reaches out and wrings McCoy's hand, thanking him profusely before following the assigned nurse into Lester's private room where she is hooked up to an IV of sedative so there are no further hostage situations. McCoy watches the door slide shut, feeling very sorry for both Coleman and Lester. He turns back to Spock and Kirk. They are standing just a hair too close for normal, their arms just touching, emotions thrumming around them in a tight bubble. McCoy, despite not being jealous, can't help but feel excluded.
"Jim," he says softly, "c'mere, I wanna give ya a quick once over, just to be sure you're alright."
Kirk acquiesces without complaint, following McCoy to a biobed; Spock is not far behind. McCoy gives his friend a fairly extensive check-up before declaring him 'fit-as-a-fiddle' except for requiring some rest.
"Good night's sleep should set ya right, so I'm gonna order you to rest for… two days," he tells Kirk, continuing with, "because otherwise you won't rest," when Kirk opens his mouth to protest, "The ship won't float away if you rest a couple days, Jim."
Kirk offers up a chastised smirk, the one that tells McCoy he knows he's right even if he won't say it aloud. McCoy feels warmth bubble up in his chest. The past week had felt so wrong with Kirk not in that body, the one he belongs in, felt like the world had been flipped upside down. Seeing that smirk on that face was like feeling the world right itself, and it made McCoy downright giddy. He growls, "Aw, c'mere, kid," and pulls Kirk into an embrace he eagerly returns. He pulls away after a moment or two, saying, "Well, go on, Jim, git. Go to bed like I done told ya to. I got work to do, and I don't need you hangin' around buggin' me."
Kirk grins at him, and Spock says to McCoy, "I will ensure the captain returns to his quarters and rests as instructed."
"I'm sure you will, Spock," McCoy grumbles as the other two turn to leave.
His voice is much lower and softer after they are gone.
"Yeah, I'm sure you will."
xXxXx
Spock leads his captain back to his quarters, and Kirk follows willingly, still grinning. Joy rolls off him in waves, bubbling over their thread and flooding through Spock's senses. He fights down the very human urge to grin widely, to grab Kirk and spin him around delightedly. He allows his happiness to bleed into their fledgling bond, though he hides his thoughts of deepening their connection. This is his captain and superior officer. Such thoughts are not appropriate.
Once they reach Kirk's quarters, Spock finds himself invited in and is told to 'make himself at home' while Kirk makes an announcement for the crew, so they would know he was set aright. Spock sees how happy he is to know his crew is safe again. The sight makes Spock happy, as well.
"So, Spock, can I get you something? Coffee, tea, something stronger?"
"No, thank you."
"Suit yourself. Think I'll go for something stronger."
Kirk reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a squarish bottle with a black label, filled most of the way with amber liquid, along with a small glass. Spock observes as Kirk pours the liquid into the glass only part of the way, then downs it in a quick swallow before filling the glass with ice and pouring some more.
"I'm gonna need this if we're gonna talk, Spock."
"You have not sufficiently rested as McCoy ordered, and so I will not press you for discussion. Your well-being is paramount to myself and this ship. I will ask you to rest first."
"I can't," Kirk says quietly, "I can't rest. I mean, my body is tired, but my mind is racing. I just wanna go up to the bridge and-"
"No," Spock tells him firmly, "I must insist you rest. I am quite certain that if you were to lay down and make an attempt, you would easily find sleep."
"Yeah… yeah, you're probably right," he replies, taking a long sip of his whiskey, "as usual. I just… this whole thing was so weird and creepy. Seriously, why does the weirdest shit always happen to me?"
He finishes his glass, reaching for the bottle again. Spock takes it out of his reach and is given a pout in exchange. The expression does not faze him in any way.
"Captain, alcohol is a depressant. I do not believe you should consume copious-"
"Copious? Spock, it was, like, three shots at most-"
"Please, Jim," Spock says quietly, "If you were to rest, it would bring me peace."
Kirk looks up at him, eyes the brightest blue. Happiness and comfort and a hint of shame and so much love flood Spock's mind in a rush that's almost too much to bear, and Kirk simply asks, "Will you stay?"
Spock averts his eyes, unable to gaze into dilithium blue any longer, as he answers, "I will stay for as long as you wish."
The thread glows warmly between them. Kirk allows Spock to put away the whiskey bottle and glass while he readies himself for bed by removing his boots, gold overshirt, and trousers, slipping under the sheets in his undershirt and boxers. Spock resumes his place in his usual seat.
"You won't leave?" Kirk queries.
"Not unless I am sorely needed elsewhere, which I do not anticipate."
His captain offers him a sly smile, and he feels the love and contentment floating over their thread (though the smile was really enough for him to notice it). Spock keeps watch as Kirk drifts off into sleep, his breaths evening out, his chest rising and falling with their deep, calm pace. Spock finds himself matching them without trying, listening for the quiet, snuffling snores from Kirk's bed.
He wonders what it would be like if this were his daily routine, if he could be here watching over Kirk while he sleeps, to see his sleepy smile when he first wakes, the golden hair mussed. He wants to be lulled to rest himself by those quiet, even breaths, the gentle thrum of his heartbeat. They have only known each other for five years, and even in that short amount of time, they have been through much together. Such life-altering events included Spock's near death (multiple times), Kirk's near death (a few more times than Spock), the near annihilation of the Enterprise (on several occasions), the deaths of a number of crewmembers, and myriad odd incidents that Spock would have to ponder rather extensively to count. Of course, such incidents were to be expected when exploring deep space for the first time. Spock counts himself extremely fortunate to be part of such an historic mission, and even more so to be counted among Kirk's 'family'.
Spock could recall hating the brash, young Terran upon their first meeting in his disciplinary hearing and later on the Enterprise. He disliked him for breaking all the rules and for thinking he was so very special and that the rules he'd broken were for other people. He'd hated him for provoking him into a fight to give up his command of the Enterprise… until he realized he did not want to command it. He did want to save it. So he fell in with Kirk's ridiculous plan, and damn it all if that illogical human and his emotional behavior didn't manage to save not only the ship but the entire planet Earth from Nero, risking his own life to save Pike. Spock found he had some respect for him.
He thinks loyalty bled into the respect during the Harrison/Khan Incident, when he found he would kill for the man he called captain and friend, found he would do almost anything to avenge his death. When the loyalty evolved into devotion and love, he can't say. It seems to him it was a slow process, something he hadn't realized was happening and was startled to find it had. Looking back, he can pick out possible turning points, things that happened during their time serving together that illuminate the process slightly. Jim Kirk has the innate ability to burrow under a person's skin, whether for good or ill, to make you feel comfortable and content in his presence if the former, and that was how he garnered that famous unwavering loyalty from his crew.
Spock watched his friend and captain slumber peacefully and braids a small strand into their tendril of a bond, filling it with joy and peace. Kirk smiles softly in his sleep. Spock almost wants to look into his dreams, but he refrains, shaking the thought from his mind as soon as it enters. That is something far too intimate for him to ask of his friend, especially at the level of their current relationship and without asking at all. He lets out a human sigh and settles in, waiting for Kirk to wake. He promised he would stay.
xXxXx
The lights are dim when Kirk wakes, and he panics momentarily at the fog in his mind, so similar to the murkiness from his near constant sedation earlier in the week he feels reclaiming his body was a dream. Soft tendrils of calming thoughts creep into his mind, soothing him, telling him he's safe, and he relaxes. He blinks in the soft light, not truly wanting to leave his cocoon of warmth. He doesn't really want to wake up. He was having such lovely dreams of all his wonderful times with-… oh. He cracks open his eyes fully and looks at Spock, who appears intensely interested in a datapad.
He stayed, just as he promised. Kirk wonders exactly how he managed to gain the hybrid's respect and loyalty (and love) when Spock is so logical and he so emotional. They should behave as oil and water, should be constantly raising each other's hackles and rubbing each other the wrong way. They have instead managed to prove the adage that opposites attract. Of course, they'd had a pretty rough start, what with Spock trying to choke the life out of him that one time, but he thinks they've made up for it. It occurs to Kirk that he isn't quite sure when he became so close to Spock that he would give up his life for him.
Spock flicks a finger over the datapad's screen and startles Kirk by saying, "It is good to see you are awake and well rested."
"How'd you know?"
The hybrid offers him a not-quite-smile and tells him simply, "Your breathing pattern changed."
"Is that all, Spock?"
"You also became more… active."
"Active?" Kirk inquires, cocking his head.
Spock very nearly smirks. He informs his captain, "You think too loud."
Kirk gives a chuckle and sits up in bed, scrubbing at the back of neck and stretching. He feels Spock's eyes on him, feels them burning a hole through him. His face is warm. There is no way out of this. He could try to avoid it, yes, but Spock is too stubborn. It would come to a head at a critical point, and he couldn't risk that. He looks over to Spock.
"I, uh… I reckon you wanna have that, uh, talk now, huh, Spock?"
"I have wished to speak with you for several days, however in light of recent events and out of respect for you, I have waited. I shall continue to do so until you deem yourself ready for such a weighted conversation. You know I will not press you unless it becomes absolutely necessary."
Kirk casts his eyes down to his blanket, picking at it with a sad smile. Spock is the best friend, officer, and (partly) human being he could have ever asked to know.
"What did I do to deserve you, Spock?" he asks quietly.
Kirk senses his confusion and peers over at him again. Spock's head is cocked, and there is a look of hurt in his eyes. Kirk tells him, "It's a good thing. I meant to say that I don't deserve you."
"I do not understand you, captain."
"Look, I only mean that-"
"I am aware of the meaning behind your words. I do not understand you. I do not understand why you should believe yourself unworthy of my friendship, Jim."
A warmth bubbles up in Kirk's chest that is quickly drowned in cold worthlessness. Tears prick at his eyes and he ducks his head, saying, "I never get to keep good things for long. My mother loved me and was a good mom, but I only saw her in spurts. My brother ran away every chance he got. I was only Tarsus IV for a few months before the famine set in and sent me into the woods to survive away from my family. Everyone I care about always goes away, so I never get my hopes up anymore. Everybody leaves. One day, you'll leave, too. You, Bones, Uhura, Scotty… everyone… so I try not to get attached."
Saying the words aloud makes Kirk realize how lonely he's made himself, and he finds he can't find the strength to look up at Spock. He stares down at his hands and blanket, blinking back his tears furiously.
"Is this your reasoning for continually placing yourself in life-threatening situations?" Spock asks, his voice low.
"Maybe," Kirk mumbles.
He can sense Spock's hurt but finds he can't summon a good thought to chase it away. He waits for the hybrid to disappear through the door, to leave like Kirk knows should. Spock is a good officer, one of the best. He could find another ship in the blink of an eye, a place where he won't be weighed down by Kirk, by a man weighed down by his own insecurities and self-hate. After all, Kirk can't even love himself. How can he even begin to love another being? Yes, Spock should definitely get out now. He waits for the sound of the door and is startled when Spock's footsteps come closer and stop in front of him. He still can't look up.
"Please, Jim. I wish to understand your reasoning for believing yourself unworthy of friendship and loyalty," Spock says softly, "I implore you to speak with me so that I may help remedy this illogical line of thought."
"It's pretty hard to remedy this, Spock," he explains, "I don't exactly enjoy feeling like this and believe me, if it were easy, I would have changed it long ago. There's just too much shit piled up, too many people that have told me I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve anything good in my life and I'm worthless and my father would be ashamed-…"
A tidal wave of negative emotions rises up in his chest, threatening to overwhelm him completely. A few tears spill over and drip onto his blanket. He wishes he could stop his feelings of worthlessness from creeping into the thread that just barely links their minds, sensing it oozing along like a noxious black sludge. He doesn't want Spock to have to feel that, to know what it's like to be constantly put down and made to feel like you never be good enough, but he can't seem to find a way to stop it. The thought makes him panic. He knows what it's like to deal with his sludge on a daily basis, how to keep it in check, but he doesn't know if Spock can. The thread grows black and brittle, ready to snap at a moment's notice, and Kirk panics even more. His chest hurts. His vision begins to cloud at the edges. His eyes burn with tears.
Two very warm hands settle themselves on either side of his face. Heat and emotion filter under Kirk's skin, sending some of his panic ebbing away. He hears Spock's voice whisper to him, though he can't tell if he was speaking or if it was in his mind: Let me help, Jim. Please, let me help.
Kirk lifts his gaze from his shaking hands and locks it on Spock's eyes. They are so close and expressive and human and Kirk wonders how he never noticed. It hits him with a jolt that, yes, of course he's noticed. He knows Spock better than he knows anyone else in the universe, knows him almost as well as he knows himself. He can always tell when Spock is upset or happy or pissed off. Kirk can read him as easily as he can read anyone else… but not right now. The emotions swirling in the deep brown eyes are too fleeting and changing for him to decipher.
Spock carefully adjusts his fingers along the psi points on Kirk's face, murmuring, "Let me help."
Kirk can't find the voice to agree, but he knows that Spock can sense it. Spock adds the merest pressure to the meld points. Kirk's world goes blinding white.
xXxXx
Spock waits patiently for Kirk's mind to orient itself to the meld. He sees his captain in his mind's eye. The golden glow he usually possesses is faded, and he looks dull and sickly, curled in on himself as if for protection. He gives a full body twitch, and Spock knows he feels him there. The hybrid looks to their thread, visible in their minds, and sees it soaked in a thick, black, noxious sludge that oozes from Kirk's chest. It dribbles off the thread and stains Kirk's shirt and makes the thread feel brittle and heavy. Spock hates it.
Kirk shivers in place, refusing to move or acknowledge Spock, so Spock steps closer.
No! Don't come near me! Kirk exclaims, flinching back, Don't come near me, or you'll get it all over you!
I am not afraid. Please, I want to help you. Let me help you, Spock placates.
Emotional turmoil roils around them in an angry sea, the force almost powerful enough to knock Spock out of Kirk's mind, but he holds strong and approaches Kirk through the storm. Tears fall freely down the human's cheeks, and it occurs to Spock that he looks small and fragile. Spock reaches past the sludge and wraps Kirk in a tight embrace, ignoring the liquid soaking to his own skin. Kirk fidgets in his arms. Spock begins to feel the weight of the melancholy and worthlessness Kirk carries with him. He works to throw off the feelings, to soothe Kirk's seething emotions, to make him realize he is deserving of the loyalty and love he has earned.
Spock, please… please, it'll hurt you…
I have told you I am not afraid. I only wish to help you. Please, I will show you…
Spock does not wait for an answer, does not waste time. He begins with a barrage of his favorite memories of Kirk, however mundane. In a rare display, he allows another to feel the full weight of his emotions, letting them burst forth in a furor, the emotions he feels so deeply, that he is constantly trying to control. He allows Kirk to view his human half. Spock's emotions and memories are a vicious storm, a dreadful whirlwind that buffets them forcefully and makes Spock grip Kirk tighter for fear he may be ripped away.
Still, he allows the hurricane to continue, for Kirk must be made aware of his value, not only to the Enterprise or the Federation, but to Spock, especially to Spock. He drags out every memory he has, good and bad and sad and terrifying. He showers Kirk in every emotion he can dredge up, every emotion he's ever made him feel like primal rage and grief and joy and courage and awe and worry and fury and oh through all of these is woven the thread of love, so much love. It's the thread that connects them, that always has. Spock can see that now. He allows the raging storm to blow itself out, no longer able to sustain it. It seems to have purged the noxious ooze from their tendril.
He realizes with a start that Kirk is now supporting him, is holding their meld together after his energy has been utterly spent. Kirk's voice is a soothing whisper all around him: Spock I'm here Spock thank you Spock you worry me too you make me mad you make me brave and proud and angry and so happy so joyous oh Spock never forget that I love you too that you are precious to me Spock my t'hy'la my other half that which makes me whole Spock my t'hy'la…
Spock barely has the energy to reply: Yes Jim you are my t'hy'la and I am yours Jim parted from me and never parted always and never touching and touched my t'hy'la my love t'hy'la…
He feels the thread thickening and strengthening, weaving tighter and forcing out the last of the foul muck that had contaminated it and made it weak. Kirk's mind is once more as beautiful and bright as he is in reality, so full of joy and exuberance and life. It makes Spock shine brighter, too, silver against Kirk's gold, like Earth's moon and sun. Spock loves him even more for it.
You're tired, Spock, he hears Kirk's gentle voice, This wore you out.
I had not time to meditate prior to this meld, Spock replies, As the initiator, it is taking a certain toll on my energy reserves… though I wish to remain here with you for as long as possible.
Kirk's laugh is a warm breeze through Spock's mind, and Kirk tells him, I think it's time now. You're gonna hurt yourself if you don't rest, and I can't allow that. Besides, you can come back any time you want now… it's alright, Spock…
They wrap each other in soft, warm light, and Spock carefully retreats to his own mental fortress, allowing Kirk to do the same before they rejoin the world.
xXxXx
Spock looks exhausted, and that's how Kirk can tell he is far beyond it. The hybrid's eyes are slightly unfocused, his lids drooping; he sways almost imperceptibly. Kirk realizes with a soft jolt that they are cupping each other's faces in their hands, and there's another minor shock when he notices their noses are touching, their breaths mingling between them. He revels in the thought of being so close, of what just passed between them, of having the one thing he'd wanted for so long. He butts his forehead up against Spock's, and Spock's eyes slip shut.
"Come on, Spock, just go to sleep," Kirk mutters.
"I do not require sleep," he murmurs in reply.
Kirk laughs softly, saying, "Liar, liar. I won't tell anyone if you fall asleep on me… or with me…"
"Jim, I get the impression you are attempting to be vulgar."
"I'm always attempting to be vulgar, you know that, but for now, I really do just wanna sleep. And I want to you to sleep, too… right here with me. I'll stay until you wake up. Whaddaya say, Spock?"
"I would be most amenable to such a situation, Jim… especially if you were to be present for the duration."
"Perfect. Come on then, off with the boots. No shoes in bed. No uniforms, either… and trousers are a definite no-no, even just for sleeping."
Once Spock has joined him in wearing only an undershirt and boxers, they curl up together in Kirk's bed. Kirk smiles at the familiarity borne from their bond. It makes him blush slightly, and he snuggles up closer to Spock's side, pressing his forehead to Spock's temple. He can hear and feel the steady hum of Spock's mind. He finds it calming, soothing. The words spill out of Kirk's mouth before he can stop them.
"I love you, Spock. I really do. A lot."
The hybrid turns to face him. He can see joy in the tired brown eyes. Spock moves his arm, bringing up his hand and extending the first two fingers toward Kirk, who instinctively mimics the gesture, pressing his own fingertips to Spock's. Warmth spreads from his fingers and settles in his core, bleeding into his veins until contentment fills him completely. Spock merely murmurs, "T'hy'la…"
Kirk asks softly, "What's this, Spock? That we're doing here?"
"Vulcan hands, as you know, are very sensitive," Spock replies, "This is how Vulcans kiss."
Kirk smiles, and Spock does, too, in his own way. Kirk can't stop himself. He closes the space between them and presses his lips to Spock's. He does not use force or tongue. He simply covers Spock's lips with his own, all while their fingers still touch. Kirk decides he's never been so happy in his whole life. The way Spock's mind nudges against his own says that he feels the same way.
One more to go! Reviews are love!
