*Chapter Start*

Waking up is very different from person to person, some are natural early birds and raise happy and ready for a new, others are slow with the waking and need time and coffee to reach a working mode. Then is the point of from what one wakes, a short nap, a regular night or sleeping after total exhaustion. But all who experienced it agree, waking up from unconsciousness after taking physical damage is the worst, most painful type of awakening, as the pain returns without warning and comes with his companions, disorientation and confusion.

The Counter Guardian known as EMIYA had been through it so often he didn't even flinch when pain signaled him his return to the waking world. Once more he found himself lying on a flat surface, but this time it was soft, his limbs were complete in attendance and he wasn't restrained, but his armor, jacket, pants and boots are gone, he is naked save for his boxer-shorts. Instead he feels bandages on his skin, somebody dressed his wounds and rather was skilled at it. Alright time to exploit his advantage and do some surveillance.

"I know you are awake, Archer." Shiro Emiya is in the room and apparently a lot more observant than before. EMIYA opens his eyes. They are in a two-bed-room, the space between the beds can be separated with a hanging curtain, a classic hospital room. Shiro is in the other bed, looking slightly better than EMIYA feels. They are alone in the room.

"What gave me away?" Not only the physical pain is affecting him, the red knight is mentally and emotionally exhausted.

"I heard your breathing changing, it was half guessing though." Shiro answers.

"I noted no restrains on me, why?"

"To avoid any lewd ideas, doubt it would work on you anyway."

"The Rin I know is very resourceful, she might find or create something for bind me for good."

"And use it on me first chance she gets, no thank you."

"…So you married her?"

"Yes."

"…With children."

"One daughter so far, thanks the root for contraception."

"And you married Saber."

"Yes."

"And Sakura."

"Yes."

"And Rider."

"Um."

"And the goddamn Blue."

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

"I try to wrap my brain around the facts! How the hell did this happen?"

"Well, my first partner married me in a ritual I wasn't familiar with, I thought it was a stabilizing-rite of the species, and then I made the same rite with several others, learned what is meant, but it really escalated once Rin caught on what happened. Thinking back she really made the whole situation grow beyond my control."

"Is it worth it?"

Shiro grows silent for a moment. Then he smiles. "Even with all the chaos they generate, with all the weirdness we attract, the normal child-problems, cranked to eleven by my kids and all the exhausting demands of my wives. I love them all and I would go through our whole story again and again for them as they would for me."

"I see, any chance you can convince that Haru-brat to cancel our contract? I'm kind of stuck in this era as long it's valid."

"I think I can, Haru is in for a talk about responsibilities anyway. But that's also why I wanted to talk with first."

EMIYA lets out a short, dry laugh. "Ha, now that's new. What is it? Want me to end your existence?"

"I want you to stay here, with my family."

Now its EMIYA's turn for a silent moment "…what?"

Shiro sits up. "You heard right."

EMIYA tries to sit up, but his body is unable to follow his command. "Are you insane… I mean more than usual. Remember who betrayed his master and tried to kill you? Several times!"

"That was a long time ago, I'm still alive as is Rin, thanks to you betrayal she got Saber as a Familiar, which would been a secured victory in that war and was able to keep her even after the war. Even putting the whole changed my fate, you meeting me caused, looking at the results I say we all own you some favors."

"Are you serious?"

"I got Gilgamesh as a Nanny for my children, he's been at this job for over a decade and I can't complain, I even trust him with my life."

"So? Last time I checked that wasn't of much value to you."

"And the lives of my children."

This gets EMIYA. "…You're serious. You are really planning to let me stay in your house, villa, mansion whatever you call it and do what exactly?"

Shiro explains. "Bodyguard, teacher, warrior, paramedic, cleaning the messes the children make, helping the wives when necessary. The main-point is you are someone who is strong enough to protect my family and integer enough to be trusted."

"In other words I can't be bribed, you learned to use that brain of yours, but the job description sounds like a butler from some shonen-manga… you are not trying to get back at me?"

"For the Heaven Feel? I'm long over it."

"No, for your recent feminization, I think Shiroko was really cute, maybe I try to see her soon again."

Instead of getting irritated or afraid, Shiro is giving EMIYA a very satisfied smile. "This attempt to provoke me into blasting you into oblivion is futile, I've been Shiroko before. Yes some of my wives know how to do that, I kept it secret from the others and after today's event they will be far to scared to use that particular punishment again." Shiro's smile grows wider. "So, thanks to you, a great horror has been removed from my life, maybe for good."

EMIYA face-faults, that was unexpected. A "How?" is all he gets out.

"It involves the Mafia, a secret mercenary-group, two of my daughters, the Kalaido-stick and a moderate trauma, please don't ask for more details."

"What will your wives say? I am a Counter Guardian, what in the end is nothing but a fancy title for a killer. At least some of them know that, so it will get out sooner than later."

"By now they all know your whole life-story. I eat Fuji-nee's cooking if there is even one of them that hate you for being what you are."

"And what about the children? They…" EMIYA tries a slightly different angle.

But Shiro cuts him off. "…are not this ignorant, they might understand you better than you consider possible. But I see that arguing here won't change your mind nor will it mine."

"On that I agree. Suggestions?"

"It's almost twelve, take twenty-four hours from then on. In that time I want you too meet the family, talk to them, and make your self a clear image of what you are dealing with. If you still want to go after that, I will seriously reconsider, but I still expect arguments with some sense from you. You in?"

"…You make sure they won't try to sodomize me again?"

"I make very sure of that."

"Then fine, but don't get your expectations high."

*Scene Break*

The two versions of Shiro Emiya became silent, neither could say anything that would sway the other, so an agreement was made. This left them without meaningful subject and small-talk was out of question. The stalemate was ended by Gilgamesh, who entered the room without warning.

"Mongrel how is the situation with the Faker?"

EMIYA's sarcasm reacted automatically "Is he talking about you, me or some other poor sap in this mad comedy?"

Shiro ignored him with long mastered routine "He won't kill anybody, so clam down. And I asked him to stay with us."

Ignoring his sarcasm was just asking for more. "You mean trying to hire me as a butler, or was it babysitter? I heard they already got you Goldie."

Once more EMIYA was caught in a surprise, this time by Gilgamesh. Instead of anger or his usual demonstration of pride, the King of Heroes was sporting a calculating look. "What do you think of nukes?"

Taken unprepared EMIYA answered by reflex. "Dangerous and without any practical use."

"Dragons as pets?"

"Sure, if you are crazy, just let me get out of here first."

"Kinky toys?"

"Never used them, never needed them."

"How much experience do you have fighting chutulic creatures?"

"I was send to contain the winter-solstice-celebration of the True Ancestor Duke Wallawalla Ching-Ching in 362."

"That was you? I approve your choice mongrel. We have a lack of sane, capable, male adults here, he would be perfect."

"What the?" Gilgamesh, the golden king of heroes just approved of his natural enemy, to stay in the same place as him on top of that. What madness is this family to make that possible?

"Anyway," Turning his attention to Shiro, Gil returned to his original message. "I strongly suggest you talk with your mates, mongrel. They are still feeling guilt over the last incident, strike the iron while it's hot and you may get rid of some very sick ideas. Also make sure they won't consider gender-change as something funny or worse."

Shiro agreed, while still exhausted he had to take advantage of this situation. Slowly dressing himself he asked about details. Gilgamesh supplied an overview. "Rin is talking with Sakura, the latter is torn between ecstatic and depressed, go there first. Saber and Uzume are trying to calm down Caster, I fear they will use Saber's body for that. Rider, Luvia, Lorelei, Bazette, Kazehana, Chiho and Kusano are fine, I think. As is Akitsu, her I asked to guard the door to this room, just to be sure. Homura is having some kind of shock, be sure to check on her. Aoko wants to study the Faker, Touko didn't made the same demand only because her sister was first to do so, but she might just grab him, don't give her a chance for that. Karasuba wants a rematch with him, Musubi wants to watch or challenge him herself, I'm not sure about the exact meaning of her words. Matsu and Alaya-ko were putting their heads together, not a priority, but get there and stop them. Altrouge hasn't stopped laughing, I would ignore her. Also the new twins… Rin named that Archerko Kuro, she and Illya are now with your mother, I'd say they will be adopted as daughters by sunset."

"At least they don't plan on marring me, that's good."

"…"

"Gil?"

"They are also talking with Yukari about how exciting piling up several fetishes is. Like incest, not-blood-related-little-sister, foursome with a pair of twins on top of an extramarital affair."

"Oh crap!"

"And they know about Matsu." Shiro's eyes burn with murderous intend at Gilgamesh. "I didn't tell them! They already know!"

"Have to stop them, be nice, see you later." Hurrying with his clothes Shiro almost runs through the door, leaving the two former Archer-class Servants alone.

EMIYA tries to process what just happened. "…that Matsu I meet. Just for a couple of minutes, first impression was unfavorable, but is she that bad?"

Gil answers. "She is worse that bad, a great ally in every kind of conflict, but her desires and methods to fulfill these are less than modest."

Carefully considering the available information and current situation, EMIYA concludes that he has a few options.

1. Trying to hide here, pretending to be exhausted and hoping Shiro will hold his word.

Problems: Shiro never promised he would unsummon him, just that he will consider it, also it will only be a matter of time until the wives disregard any orders their husband gave and come at him.

2. Resuming his escape, using the lowered guard and gained knowledge to his advantage.

Problem: There are guarantied to be more nasty surprises and even if Rin forgot it, the other magi certainly added traps just for him by now. Not to mention how they would hunt him…

3. Frontal attack, facing the family and take on the madness.

Problem: Is there any chance to endure this? The last day showed him a brief glimpse of a whole new hell.

4. … is there anything else? Suicide would be a temporal break at best and his return could be easily directed into a very nasty surprise.

EMIYA makes a decision. "Gilgamesh? Can we start small?"

The King of Nannies raises an eyebrow. "Define small."

So the heroic spirit of the bow seals his fate. "Meeting the Wives, one on one."

"Not possible, they always flock together and when I try to isolate one of them it will cause a chain-reaction."

"Then in small groups. Very small groups."

"That might work, if we act fast and discreet and are lucky."

EMIYA gives Gil a flat look. "My Luck-stat is E and the root is after me. How is yours?"

"Mine is A and I have divinity as well my Golden Rule-skill. Should balance things out to regular madness."

"Famous last words." But EMIYA knows, there is no backing down here. "Let do it."

*Scene Break*

"So this counts as regular around here? I was for two weeks in Roanapur and I never thought I would ever think fondly of that place. Until now." EMIYA feels his composure slipping.

"It's not so bad, not yet." Gilgamesh tries to downplay it, but his shocked voice costs much of the effect.

As he predicted Saber became the victim of a forced cosplay-session, headed by Medea and strongly supported by a brunette, "Uzume" Gil whispered to EMIYA, and the girl that stomped EMIYA earlier, "Yukari, Shiro's little sis". So much was expected by the King of Nannies. What came unexpected were a white-haired Woman, "Takami, his mother", watching and the two versions of Illya joining the game. Poor Saber was bound and gagged by black ribbons, and clad in nekomimi and milk-cream. Archerko, no by now she called herself Kuro, is licking the helpless blonde in sensitive places. Illya has taken a seat in Takami's lap, wearing nekomimi with her dress. Takami is mesmerized by the sight of the bound knight and the soft touch of the snow-fairy, absent-mindly pets Illya's head.

Uzume is egging the smaller girls on, suggesting more and more depraved ideas, much to Yukari's delight, she also was waving between shock and desire to join the molestation of Saber. Caster is standing in a pool of her own blood, nose-blood still gushing out. Only a constant adrenaline-rush is keeping her standing.

It was the smallest group the two Archers could find. The other groups might be playing even more dangerous games. Now they stand before a wild spectacle and don't know if they dare to enter the room. For Gil it's the experience with these situations that holds him back, for EMIYA it's the fear of being forced into taking saber's place. After all, his stunt with Shiro might have awoken some crazy fantasies, fantasies involving him and god-knows-what. He could still try option 2, maybe he could get Gilgamesh as an ally, and he even knows the terrain and makes in the worst case a good shield. Shiro himself had intercepted Matsu and Alaya-ko, they decided he could handle them alone.

"Oh, Saber…" And he is totally enthralled by the sight, so much for balancing the Luck-levels. His own degree of suck is even turning the blessing of this demigod against him and the demigod as well. On the bright side, if this will go like he expects even Shiro will have to agree to let him go… To hell with it, its time to act. EMIYA steps boldly into the room.

"Good morning everyone." The reactions come in an instant.

"A-archer?"

"Oni-chan!"

"Nyaa!"

"Whoa, up close he is even bigger!"

"Eh?"

"Uhm… hello."

…why is Takami blushing like a schoolgirl? No, thinking this bad, focus on plan, ignore the girl! All girlish things! And girlish reactions too!

Too bad Yukari saw the blush too. "Oh mom, get over it already. You couldn't know who this guy is. So you grabbed his butt, a couple of times." Takami's blush intensifies. "Gently petted his stone-hard abs." The older woman passes blushing and enters radiating. "And stared at his crotch for the entire time, but let's forget that."

"Yes, please! Forgetting is good, let's do it fast." EMIYA is a state similar to, root help him, his genetic mother's.

The last outburst shocks the entire room. Until Saber cries out.

"Get me out of here, pleeeeaaaaase."

Her breakdown gives Medea the final push, she too falls down, right into the pool of her own blood.

*Scene Break*

Freeing Saber, cleaning up her, the room and Caster took some effort, but Gilgamesh showed his skill and completed these tasks in record-time. Now the shock had ebbed of, everyone was seated and ready for a dialog with the red knight. But the situation makes everyone feel awkward.

Uzume tries to break the ice. "So… Archer-san is a future-version of Shiro?"

Archer answers. "More precisely, I am the spirit of an alternate future-version of Shiro Emiya."

"How alternate, save for the color-swap?"

Grateful for non-erotic topic Archer starts with a broader explanation. "My life was identical to your Shiro's until the Heaven's Feel, the Archer summoned to this war was not a future me. That made the war, and my later life, very different from what your Shiro experienced."

Encouraged by the success, Uzume keeps talking. "That means what exactly? You got just one wife and a few kids, while heroing around?"

"I was single for my whole, no children I know of."

Deadbeat silence fills the room. Until Illya feels the need to set of a verbal bomb. "You forget to mention: you died practically as a virgin."

"I'm not a virgin! Neither did I die as one!" Archer reacts to fast, one second later he understands her intent, but too late he is already in the trap and its closing fast.

Saber takes the word. "Illyasviel, what do you mean with practically a virgin? As far I know that is a binary state, yes or no. What kind of margin is that?"

And the trap is shut tight. Archer reminds himself, Illya always was older than him, knows everything what the red knight ever did and she is far shrewder than her appearance suggested. Worst part is, he still doesn't know what exactly she plans to use now.

Illya enjoys the attention she gained and the tension in the air. "Archer is practically a virgin, at least by the standards around here. I mean he had so little sex! You can count the occasions on two hands and half of them were mana-transfer-rituals."

Now Archer knows, and it's even beyond his worst-case-scenario. As the females process the new revelation with a mix of glee and excitement, the red knight wonders if he still can reach the Tiger Dojo by dying, or suicide, he feels that becoming a more and more tempting option.

*Chapter End*

Next time: EMIYA's pre-CG love life revealed