Faded Silhouettes
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7. The Tell-All
"So," she said, folding her arms across her chest. She licked her lips and looked at me with guarded eyes. As we sat in her car and I looked into those chocolate eyes, I realized she looked upset. I wasn't sure if she was hurt that I'd evaded all offers to hang out since school had started back up or if she was upset with me for not opening up to her.
I shivered, as I dropped my eyes from hers. I glanced behind us at the library, where she'd found me doing homework fifteen minutes ago. I wasn't sure if I was shivering from the cold that was slowly seeping into the car or nerves were overriding my muscle control.
"Alex?"
I looked up; I felt guilt oozing out of my pores. I had managed to avoid Sonny for two weeks after New Year's Day. After the movie ended, I'd convinced her we would talk later, when we were both more awake. She complied only because I promised that when we did talk, I'd tell her everything. At the time it had been a lie, but as I opened my mouth, I felt the whole truth pouring out.
"The first day I met Mitchie…" I held nothing back. Every detail that I could think of got included. I told her about knowing I was gay, Mitchie, Shane, the suicide, Harper, everything.
"...And I'm sorry for avoiding you for two weeks. I understand if you're pissed about that." I took a deep breath, trying to catch my breath as I slowed down and realized I'd been talking a mile a minute and hoped she'd understood me.
Sonny stared for a long time. I watched her eyes roam over me for several minutes, before she finally blinked multiple times. I couldn't read the look on her face and I was growing more anxious by the second, but I didn't want to speak again.
She leaned over the console between us and wiped my cheeks off; I hadn't even realized I'd been crying. She ran her tongue over her teeth and I watched her eyes as they looked into mine.
I swallowed and sat there, shaking, waiting for her to say anything.
She let her hand glide from my face down my arm and into my hand. "Wow."
Her breath came out in a puff, 'wow' hung on it, between us.
I nodded, trying to stop my body from vibrating.
Her eyes rolled from me to the early dark of January. She stared at something behind me for a while before finally focusing on me again. "I'm…" She stared at me, her eyes held so much pain and surprise and her mouth hung open as she looked at me. She was making me more nervous than she had before she'd started trying to form sentences. I was waiting for her to be mad, to be angry or upset, or tell me to get out of the car.
She leaned over the console again and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her in return, while my heart thudded louder in my ears. "I need…to talk to Jamie…"
I jerked away, confused and almost hurt. "Why?" Was she really thinking about Jamie right now? I wasn't sure why, but that bothered me more than any of the things I'd been preparing myself to hear.
"To tell her how much of a douche Shane clearly is."
My first urge was to defend him, but I stopped myself, some other emotion overrode it. Maybe jealousy? I wasn't sure what the jealousy would have been directed towards, though. Blinking, I tried to formulate a sentence, but nothing I wanted to say sounded appropriate and I just stared at her instead.
"Are you okay?"
I blinked, shaking my head, trying to get my head on straight. I blew out a stream of air, watching as it appeared between us in small bursts of white fog. "I just…don't understand why that's your first response."
She already had her phone out, her fingers tapping against the keyboard. "Alex, she's my best friend. I'm obligated to tell her when I know guys are douchebags. If I knew some girl you were trying to date was a complete bitch, I'd tell you, too."
I tasted the cold air as my mouth dangled open. "W-what?"
"I mean, when you're ready to date that is." She didn't even look up from her message.
I slowly closed my mouth, swallowing. "What about…?"
Sonny finished her message before responding. Once she'd put her phone away, she looked up at me. "What about what?"
What was I trying to say? What about us? What about New Year's Eve? What about what? I shrugged, staring at my lap, zipping and unzipping my jacket, as I tried to figure out what I was doing.
"Aex?" Her voice was softer suddenly.
"I guess I thought…you and I…" I shook my head. "I don't honestly know."
Sonny's hand stopped mine from unzipping my jacket again. She held on to it and I looked up. "Maybe we should just be friends for now." She squeezed my hand and bit her lip, her brow was scrunched up and I could tell it was equally hard for her to say these things as it was for me to hear them. "You're really cute and seem really nice, but you've got a lot that I think you're still dealing with and I don't want to get in the way of that."
I shook my head, gripping her hand tighter. Some sort of desperation was driving my actions and I felt stupid as I spoke, but I didn't have control of my mouth. "Sonny, please. I promise, I want to try this. I didn't know it was what I wanted until I started talking to you, but it just feels so right and I'm sure of it. I told you that I don't think I want you because of her or anything like that. You're an entirely different person and the more I look at you, the less you look similar at all. Please, Sonny…please?"
She hugged me tightly to her and I felt her lips pressed to the top of my head. She didn't speak for a long time, but I just stayed buried in her arms, our breathing synced up as we stayed like that, the console between us uncomfortably.
I started crying as I realized I wanted to be pressed up against her and couldn't be, or maybe I was crying because I finally realized that I'd told her everything and here she was, rejecting me in a sense.
"Alex, shhh." She stroked my hair and murmured that it would be okay and I ignored anything she said beyond that, sobbing into her shoulder, trying to pull her closer to me.
She held me until I finally broke the embrace, the need to wipe my nose and eyes overcoming the need to be held. She played with my fingers as I wiped my right sleeve across my face, trying to mop up the flood of feelings.
I sniffled as I stared at her, my eyelashes sticking together.
"How about we just take it easy, okay?" She was still playing with my hand as we sat there, each in our own seat. Our hands rested on her lap as she threaded and unthreaded her fingers through mine. She twisted our fingers in all kinds of ways as she waited for me to respond.
I thought about her words. After crying, I realized, that maybe she had a point, but at the same time, I just wanted someone who wasn't going to walk away from me and I sort of felt like she was in the politest way possible.
I sighed and closed my eyes; I just wanted to sleep.
She shook my hand, effectively moving my whole arm. "Soo, what do you say?"
I opened my eyes and looked at a couple walking by the river, a dog pulling them down the walkway. "I don't know what you mean…what would taking it easy mean?"
She raised her eyebrows and her eyes locked onto mine. "How about we just…get to know each other or something?"
I slid my eyes from hers to the windshield in front of us and watched as a man wandered down the walkway next to the river, sucking on a cigarette. The pillars of light illuminated the path for him and I wondered what his life was like. "Okay."
#
I sat in the art classroom, working on the still life Mrs. B had assigned for the week, watching the clock slowly countdown to my torture. My next class was English with Mr. Potts and Shane Gray. Since my heart-to-heart with Sonny, he'd been more miserable to be around: He shot me extra glares and he'd taken to shoving me into lockers if I was in his way in the halls.
I sighed, trying to get the lighting just right on the grapes. I chewed on my lip and watched the secondhand: Five more minutes. My stomach was in knots, but my hands were still mostly steady. I put away the art supplies and gave up for the remaining three minutes. Mrs. B eyed me, but I ignored her; she had a strict policy about working until the bell rang.
I kept my eyes focused on the ground, trying to make it to Mr. Potts's room before Shane. If I was already in my seat, I wouldn't have to deal with him tripping me on my way to it.
A few people who were already in the room gave me weird looks as I took my seat and I swallowed the nerves clawing their way up my throat. I sat with my eyes focused on my notebook, but I saw them in my peripheral vision. They were looking at me like they were seeing me for the first time; it was complicating the Shane-knots in my stomach.
Shane was late to class, so it was easier to ignore him as he took his seat, which wasn't as close to mine this semester. I felt his eyes on me as I tried to focus on the examples of alliteration that Mr. Potts was discussing.
After class, I got several more glances and I shakily gathered my belongings as slowly as I could, allowing Shane all the time in the world to get out of the classroom. Once he was gone, I quickly made it to my locker, feeling more and more eyes on me as I made it to the next classroom I needed to be in. I ignored the looks; I knew I was being paranoid.
Finally, I sank down onto the floor of my bedroom. My arms were wrapped around my legs so tightly I was sure they'd fuse together; I took several deep breaths, trying to shake the nerves I had been battling since the end of art class. My phone buzzed and I got up and dug through my bag for it.
Sonny: How was your day?
I closed my eyes. I didn't have a real answer. I replied with the only word I could think of: weird.
Sonny: How was it weird?
Sinking on to the edge of my bed, I stared at the screen, trying to decide if I felt like typing it up. I didn't.
Sonny: Do you want to come over?
Glancing at the clock, I yawned. I typed: I think I'm going to take a nap, but after that, sure.
Sonny: Okay, I'll be here all afternoon.
I smiled as I stretched out on my bed.
A loud knocking woke me. My eyes popped open as the word flew out of my mouth. "What?"
Max poked his head in, a panicked look on his face. "Alex, I need your help with something."
Frowning, I sat up. Max was always so secretive and never talked to me about anything. He always went to Justin, but I always felt left out. I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them. I lifted my arms above my head and reached for the ceiling, feeling my muscles protest and rejoice all at once. "What do you need, Max?"
He stepped fully into my room and pulled a small towel from under his shirt. "I found this today while I was out walking around."
I blinked, looking at the blue towel that was wiggling in his palms. "What is it?"
He lifted the towel and revealed a small, brown dog. My eyes bulged as I saw its little face. It was too small to be an adult dog. "Max, where did you find this?"
"It was in a box next to a dumpster, along with a bunch of other ones. We each took one or two."
I frowned as I reached for the small wrapped animal. He handed me the towel and the pup blinked; it was shaking. "How many were there?"
"I think there were six or seven. Rusty, Zoe, Caleb and I divided them up." He took the puppy from me and stroked its back. "I need help giving it a bath and hiding it from Mom and Dad."
I shook my head. "Dude, no, they'll notice if you have a dog. Just talk to them about it."
He groaned. "Justin said the same thing. Will you at least help me give him a bath?"
"Fine. What do you need me to do? He seems small enough that he wouldn't be unmanageable for one person."
"Well, he keeps trying to play while I'm trying to wash him." I followed Max into the bathroom as he spoke.
I bit my lip and said, "I'll be right back; I'm gonna change into something else."
He nodded as he proceeded to baby-talk the dog.
A half hour later, we had the small dog washed successfully. The puppy whined while Max tried to towel dry him and I watched the two interact. Max glanced at me a couple of times, a weird look in his eyes.
"What?" I said as his eyes caught mine.
He shrugged and shook his head. "Nothing, nothing." His mouth still looked posed, ready to say something else.
"Max, seriously, what?"
He ran his damp hand through his hair and I watched the hair get tangled around his fingers. He blew air from his lips and I watched his puffed out cheeks deflate.
"Max! What?"
"Is it true that Shane's girlfriend was cheating on him… with you?"
I'd always assumed that people who said things the world broke apart into a million pieces or the ground slanted and I thought I'd vomit from the sudden nausea were just being dramatic, but standing there as Max stared at me, his question stuck in the air between us.
The little puppy licked my fingers and my skin tingled with goose bumps and my eyes stung. "Where did you hear that?"
Max squirmed under my gaze and looked away at my pitchy voice. He shrugged, untangling his fingers from his hair. He ran his hand over the puppy's brown fur. "I heard some people talking at school about it…I didn't think it was true."
Shane fucking Gray. I focused on a point behind Max; I traced the weird warping of the wooden bathroom door with my eyes. I tried to keep my breathing steady as I tried to come up with something to say. Finally, I realized what I wanted to say. "When did you hear this?"
He scratched his head as he kept his eyes on the dog. "I don't know. A few days ago."
My blood froze and I was sure I'd start crying at any moment. It had been a few days since Sonny had weaseled everything out of me, a few days since Sonny had talked to Jamie about Shane and the potential ways he could be an asshole. I'd never found out what she had said to Jamie, but I also hadn't thought to ask after everything else we'd wound up discussing.
I shot out of the bathroom to grab my phone. I had a missed call from Sonny so I called her instead of sending her any text messages.
"Hey, you." She sounded like she was smiling.
"What did you say to Jamie?"
She sighed. "Is this about Shane?"
I shoved my feet into my shoes and grabbed my keys. "I'm coming over. But I need to know, what did you say to Jamie?"
There was a brief pause and I wondered what she was thinking. "I told her that she needed to be careful."
I raised an eyebrow as I started my car. My teeth chattered as I waited for the heater to warm up. "Oh? Is that all? Because Shane basically outted me to the whole school, which would have been fine, but he is making sound like I'm some kind of home-wrecking whore."
Sonny scoffed as I pulled up to a stoplight. The roads were mostly cleared of all wintry storm debris. There was a low groan from her end. "What did he do?"
"He's apparently telling people that Mitchie was cheating on him with me."
She laughed as I accelerated through the green light.
"What are you laughing? I'm so pissed right now!"
"Alex, do you realize that's what was going on? Like, that's exactly what the situation was whether or not you want to acknowledge it like that. At the end of the day, your perfect Mitchie was cheating on someone to be with you. That's the short version, that's the version people are going to hear and all the details are immediately lost."
"Sonny! I need you to be on my side about this! You don't know Shane like I do. I'm sure he's making it sound like 'I broke up with Mitchie because she was cheating on me with some girl' – Mitchie broke up with him, though, so—" I pulled up to her house and found her standing outside on the porch.
I watched her hang up the phone and rush out to my car. She threw my car door open and dragged me up through the front door. We nearly fell down the stairs to the basement. She wrapped her arms around my waist and propelled us onto the bed. She landed on the bed and I was forced to land on her.
"Hey, you." She smiled and let me go, allowing me to crawl off her torso and on to the mattress. "So, as you were saying…Mitchie broke up with him and…"
After our whirlwind entrance, I was slightly dazed. My eyes ran up her body and I felt the growing ache to be closer to her. She was wearing black sweatpants with small pandas scattered along them in various poses, a faded green t-shirt that only said "LIBRE" across the front and her hair was thrown up into a careless ponytail. Somehow, this distracted me enough that I didn't know what I was trying to say, so I just shook my head.
"Alex?"
I blinked and swallowed the abundance of saliva suddenly in my mouth. "I—I just don't want to deal with that stuff, not again…not after all this time." I sighed and closed my eyes. "I don't want people to look at me like that."
She lightly took my fingers in hers and I opened my eyes to look at her. "Yeah. I get that…like, last year at this party, we were playing, something stupid…like spin the bottle or truth or dare, I can't remember, but anyway, I made out with a couple of girls, and several of them had boyfriends or girlfriends, but I didn't know about it…like, I only did it for a game and then suddenly, I was always the girl who made out with people's girlfriends." She rolled on to her side, so that she was facing me. "You can't take it back, but you can get over it. Shane only did it to bother you, if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't do anyone any good to look at you like that." She yawned and looked at me, half of her head obscured by a pillow. "You'll be okay. I promise."
I narrowed my eyes. "How do you know?"
"I'm fine." She smiled and brought my fingers to her lips. "I promise, all of this is going to be behind you once summer break gets here. No one will think about it next year."
I groaned. "I don't want to have to wait until next year." I scooted a little bit closer to her, as I rolled on to my side. Our knees were lightly touching and she was still holding my hand next to her face.
