A/N: Okay, this is an even longer chapter, and it's full of angst as we approach the real good stuff in the story. Woohoo! Please enjoy, and read the author's note at the bottom of the page when finished, as you always should.
Ed took his brother's picture in his hand and stared at it, wishing he could still smile as carefree as Al had. "Oh Alphonse," he whimpered. "It's over. Everything. All of it. Gone." He set the frame back on the table and put his head in his hands. "Shit."
Now his main priority was where to go. He couldn't stay. He wanted to stay in Amestris, but he wasn't sure how long he could go without another slip-up.
"Edward?" His head snapped up to stare at the door. He instinctively covered his automail as she poked her head in the room. "Are you alright?"
He turned his head away, his bangs falling to cover his eyes. He didn't want to see her. The way she could live peacefully in life was sickening to him. He couldn't stand her presence at that moment.
It's funny how your opinion of someone can change so easily. Before, she was the one presence he felt anywhere close to comfortable with, but right then, he wanted to throw up at the sight of her. He tensed when she came closer and sat beside him on the bed. Her arm reached over and touched his fingers, opening them. She closed them on his glove.
"I'm not going to ask what happened. You can tell me when you're ready." He'd never be ready. "But I can tell you're upset." No shit, Sherlock. "Comfort is probably…" she huffed a breath and move hair from her face. "Annoying, and unwanted right now. So, I'll leave you alone." She stood. "But I thought you might like to know," she walked to the door without looking back at him "where I go in times like this."
He didn't protest or yell at her again, so she kept going. "When something has me bothered, I usually go for a walk to cool myself off. And then I sit in the park. There's a little place away from the public eye with flowers and a bench, and it's just quiet. Quiet is probably what you need right now." She closed the door and walked away. Ed could feel her footsteps through the floor.
Quiet.
Ed looked to the window. The soft pitter-patter of the rain on the glass wasn't exactly quiet, but it was constant. Consistency was comforting. Maybe a walk was a good idea.
His hands forced the window up gently, and his feet were on the sill, pushing him away from the first-floor room without him even thinking about it. He landed with a slight splash and the raindrops only soaked him through again. He was wet to begin with, so he wasn't bothered by it.
His feet simply moved. He did nothing. He barely even thought, allowing the water to cool his fevered brow. His paranoia was gone somehow, and he felt fresh, like the rain was washing away all his sins.
No, that's wrong.
What's wrong? Rain has a cleansing power. It feels like it goes through you, and this time is no different.
You didn't sin.
What was that attempt at human transmutation supposed to be, if not a sin? What was getting my limbs torn from me, my brother taken, and ending up with no mother to show for supposed to be if not a sin?
The metal isn't your fault.
If I'd been smarter…if I'd been stronger…
You can't blame yourself for a miscalculation.
I ignored the laws. And it cost me my brother, and my ability to live like a normal person.
Stop.
Stop what? It's the truth, every word of it. I deserve this, no matter how much I didn't want it. It's my equivalent exchange. I'd thought I'd paid enough of a price with my limbs and the only people I loved, but obviously not. I'm going to suffer for the rest of my life.
Stop beating yourself up. Stop being so sorry for yourself. You're not the first 'flawed' to be discovered in the world.
But no one was under the same circumstances as I am—
No, some are under worse. If all you're going to do is pity yourself, then stop everything. You're a waste.
I am.
The voice quieted. Edward shuffled his feet in the water. He clenched his teeth. He was a waste. A waste of time, space, air. A waste of life. He was doing nothing but troubling the people around him. Everyone wanted him gone.
"Maybe I'll just kill myself," he joked with a hollow laugh. "What harm would one more sin be?" He looked at the delicate flesh of his left arm, the wrist pulsing slightly to the rhythm of his heartbeat. So fragile, so easily broken. He could do it right then and there and no one would even spare him a passing glance. Maybe…
He reached toward his arm, streaking his metal fingers down it lightly, barely touching the flesh, and his left arm tensed from the shock of the cold. He couldn't.
Out there, somewhere, there had to be someone who cared about him…right?
-- -- --
Nell anxiously sat on her couch, hands resting on her laps. Every few minutes she looked to the clock. She'd told him to go for a walk, and since his room was silent, she assumed he took her advice. Part one was complete, but how long was long enough to wait? She had to get going soon if she was going to do the next part right; being late would make it useless.
She bit her nails. He'd been gone almost twenty minutes; maybe it was a good time to go.
"Fretting about it won't work!" She scolded herself. "Just go!" She took a deep breath and ran out the door without thinking about it any further. Forget a coat, forget an umbrella, she wouldn't need them.
He didn't.
-- -- --
"Mommy, it's cold," a little boy complained, shivering as he clutched the end of his mother's rain coat. She tried to shelter him under the umbrella, but the wind was starting to blow sideways, spraying both of them slightly.
"Let's go home, sweetie." She turned up the collar of her coat and picked up her son.
Ed watched as they left, remembering when he was that young, and when his m other treated him like that. She'd always been affectionate, even when she was dying. She only looked at him with eyes full of love, clouded by fatigue, and fear that the plague would get them as well.
The misery surrounding the golden-eyed boy only grew thicker with such fond memories, and he wished they hadn't been pulled from the back of his mind, where he'd shoved them long ago to stop the pain. He looked on with jealousy and watched them as they hurried out of the rain.
Rain.
He looked up, and the drops fell in his eyes. He blinked them away. Would it ever stop? It only served to darken the mood, not making him feel any better, though it was almost fitting. Dark sky for a dark mood. He laughed at his own stupid joke.
The laughter died in his throat. He remembered why he was there in the first place and everything hurt. He sighed and kept walking. The rain made a 'plink´ noise as it hit the metal of his arm through the sleeve of his shirt, only serving to remind him that everything was over.
"It was over a while ago. It was over when I lost my common sense. When I lost my mind and tried to bring back my mother. If I'd just accepted that she was dead, maybe I'd still have my limbs." He looked at his left arm, clenching it into a fist.
For some reason, even though his eyes stung, he couldn't cry. No tears would fall from his eyes, and he hated it. Maybe a good cry would make it all better, at least for the moment.
"Where's the fucking bench?" He breathed. He was tired of walking, since he could barely see where he was going. He reached the entrance to the park and immediately saw what Nell had been talking about.
If you weren't looking for it, you wouldn't see it. There was a small gap in the bushes running around the perimeter or the park, and the plants that were there sheltered it from view. If Ed hadn't been looking at the ground, he wouldn't have noticed the absence of roots, and instead, a small dirt path. When no one was looking, he pushed the leaves and branches aside and slid behind them. His jaw dropped.
Nell wasn't kidding when she said it was a 'quiet little place'. It was a hidden area between the bushes and a line of thin trees, blocking it from unwanted eyes. F this place was made intentionally, it was more than likely placed for lovers looking for a private corner of the park to make-out, but it served other purposes as well. After all, Nell had said she used it as a getaway spot, somewhere she could just be herself and relax. And Edward intended to use it for that reason as well.
The bench was in the back corner, pressed against the trees that made a back to the convenient seat, and as he headed for it, keeping his hood up and his eyes low, he didn't notice until he got close that someone was already there.
At first it was only their toes that came into view, but as Ed raised his head, he was able to see their shapely legs and hips. He moved up, but stopped when he was able to see the girl's—yes, it was a girl, as he'd figured out from the curved hips and breasts—neck. Did he even care who was sitting there?
He flopped down, exhausted, onto the sturdy wood and leaned against the tree trunks, slouching. His hood still covered most of his face, but in his peripherals, he could just barely see the girl next to him move to sit on her hands and swing her legs over the edge. He resisted the slight temptation to see her face.
He was slightly peeved, though, that he couldn't be alone. What Nell'd told him made it sound like it was a place that was quiet, secluded, few people knew of it and it was good for some down time. And now he had a stranger sitting next to him. He sighed in mild frustration, but he had bigger problems he didn't want to think about.
"So…" Ed jumped at her voice. Quickly, he swiped his jacket hood back. The girl pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong now?"
"Nell…" The word barely made it past his lips as he took in the sight of the young woman he'd thought to be a stranger. She'd been waiting for him. Her clothes were as wet as his, clinging to her body as though they'd otherwise fall away. Her hair was plastered to her head and face, and it was mussed as though she'd tried to wring it out, failing miserably under the unrelenting downpour. Her pink lips were turned into a slight, encouraging smile, put there to make him realize she was there to help, but her pale gray eyes betrayed the curved mouth. They showed the true worry and fear she held in her mind. Ed hung his head, wanting to laugh. He should have seen this coming, not just because of who Nell was, but because he knew from experience with his friend, Winry, that girls liked to meddle under the false pretenses of 'helping'. He also knew that talking to them helped.
"Ed, I'm here for you. You can tell me anything, you know that. Please, talk to me." There was a slight note of pleading in her voice. More than anything, she wanted to help him, and be helped in return. "What happened?"
"I have to leave."
-- -- --
"Leave?" She echoed his words quietly, thoughtful, but her voice was panicky. "Why? What could have…" she stopped in the middle of her sentence. She'd already figured that out after seeing his glove on the floor, but she'd forgotten. It was so easy to look at him and see him for who he was, as she did with everyone else she met, no matter of their outward appearance. Her eyes didn't see a 'flawed' like the rest of the corrupt society of the country they lived in, they saw Edward.
She recalled the first conversation she'd had with him. He'd asked her what she'd seen when looking through his window and she replied honestly. "You." She made it a point not to lie when she could avoid it.
"Yes. It's not safe here for me anymore. I can't put you in danger either. What kind of payback would that be?"
"Ed, you don't' have to pay me back. I let you stay because you needed help, not because I pity you, or I wanted to blackmail you. Simply because you needed help." Nell shook her head. "It was a gift, and I don't want anything in return."
"Fine. That doesn't change that I'm leaving."
"Edward, who found out?" There was a pregnant pause before Ed answered, and when he spoke, his voice was still in that hoarse whisper.
"Roy. And about fifteen other students at my school. Everyone will know by tomorrow. I plan on being out of here before they can send someone to get me. I never mentioned it to you, but Roy figured out I was boarding with you."
"I see." She was silent for a moment. "How did it happen?" Nell spoke carefully, knowing very well that he was in a delicate state of mind. Saying the wrong thing could break him down.
"I slipped, and when he tried to help me up, he realized my right arm wasn't made of flesh and bone. My glove came off and gave them all a visual aid," he told her bitterly. "I got the hell out of there before anything else could happen. If they knew my leg was metal, too, it would only worsen the matter."
"There's nothing we can do?" She asked breathlessly. The rain splattered on their shoulders and added to the puddles forming in the folds of their clothes. Edward didn't even answer her. "So it is…" over.
"Yeah."
She reached her hand over and placed it gingerly on his. He flinched at her touch; it was surprising, not unwanted. It was a comforting touch. The touch of a friend.
Her fingers enveloped his for a moment and squeezed. After he got over the initial shock, he squeezed back, desperate for a shoulder to lean on.
'Distract him,' something told Nell. She tried to steer the conversation away from school and automail and running away. "Edward, tell me about your family."
"My family?"
"Yes. We've only known each other for a short while, but if you're going to leave me I…I want to know more about you. I want to remember you as more than just 'the boy I helped'."
"Oh." He gathered his thought for a moment, wondering what to say. Where should he start? "I was born in Resembool. My mother and father raised me and my younger brother until I was five or six—I don't remember my age exactly—before my father left. Then it was just my mother raising us.
"She was amazing. Just like any other mother. She was able to do everything. Cook, clean, take care of us. She read us bedtime stories and put band-aids on our knees when we fell. She always made our favorite meal on our birthday, and a cake. We'd invite the neighbors—family friends, the Rockbells—over on special occasions, and their daughter, Winry, was one of my best friends. She's the one who built my automail. Me and Winry and Al—my little brother—we were as close as you could get. We were there when Winry got the news that her parents were killed. They were doctors for the war. We helped her get over that, but she'll never fully recover. You don't just get over your parents dying, but we made progress. She got much better, and things returned to normal. But then…" his voice trailed off painfully. Nell didn't want him to stop talking, but she didn't want to push him either. When he didn't start up after a long while, she prodded gently.
"Then?"
He whispered the next words, but they made their impact. "The plague." Nell gasped. The plague had wiped out half the population of Amestris, having made its way in during the war. It had struck hard when medical supplies were being shipped out to the troops, leaving everyone else defenseless. The illness had spread faster than anyone thought possible, and everyone was dropping like flies. Old, young, healthy, sick, it didn't matter. There were children dying in the streets until they found a vaccination to prevent it. It made its course through the country for almost three years before disappearing again, and it wasn't until the second year that the vaccine was produced. By then it was almost too late. Most were dead or already infected. It was a preventative, not a cure. Many in Nell's own family had succumbed, and she knew the fierce bite that it had.
"She didn't last very long. I blamed it on Dad for leaving, because I saw how much she hurt. But no matter how badly that hurt, nothing was more painful than standing over my mother's grave."
She clenched his hand supportively. She couldn't look at him, and he couldn't look at her. The eye contact would only hurt, giving each a look into the other's mind, both filled with pain.
"So, Al and I tried the unthinkable. We tried to bring her back with Alchemy. We knew it was wrong, but we wanted it, so we did it anyway. And all it gave me was a dead brother, two missing limbs, and an abomination that was meant to be my mother. I lost my ability to do alchemy. I've only tried once after that, though. I had to take a few years for the prosthetic surgery and therapy."
It was a terribly depressing story and it nearly brought tears to Nell's eyes, though you wouldn't have been able to tell with the rain still going. "I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Edward…"
"Don't say anything, please." It already hurts…
"Edward, please don't leave."
"I have to."
"No, you don't. We have to stay together. After losing everyone like that…you can't just cut yourself off. You've made a life here. You have friends. If you do it again, it'll hurt too much. You might not be able to feel that."
"I'm already pretty numb. The pain wouldn't be that bad."
"It'd be worse than you know. Ed, please. I don't want you to leave. Forget what they say. Let's go home."
"You don't get it. I can't just 'go home'. I'm a wanted person now! They'll want me deported, or dead, I don't know. I have no home. I have to leave."
"No, you don't. The Fuhrer is wrong. There's nothing wrong with you!"
"You don't understand anything!" His tone changed. It was much harsher now, and she recognized it as him trying to cut off the bond between them. She wouldn't let that happen. "You don't know what it's like! You can't know how this feels to be shunned like that! You don't understand me, or my pain—!"
"THEN HELP ME!"
She was crying now, tears running salty lines down her cheeks. "Help me understand you, Ed. I want to understand you. You're my f-first friend in a long, long time, and I don't want to just stand by while you're hurting. I can't watch you walk away so easily." She futilely wiped under her eyes and sniffled. "Don't leave me, Ed. You don't have to."
They were standing now. She looked at the ground, and he looked at her. Her shoulders shook with silent sobs, and he winced at her pain. He'd hurt her. He'd been trying not to, and he'd messed up.
He wondered why it hurt so much to see her cry. He'd only known her for a week. Seven days exactly on that night, yet they'd grown so close. Something connected, and he suddenly felt like…he needed her the way she needed him.
He closed the distance between them in a few short strides and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She returned the embrace, and both buried their faces in the other's shoulders. They clutched tightly, unwilling to let go.
While Roy Mustang was the first person he'd almost been able to call a friend, Nell beat him to the 'true friend' status. And now that he knew that, he couldn't leave her behind.
A/N: What did you think? REVIEWS ARE LOVED FOR ALL ETERNITY. I originally had one specific thing planned for this chapter, and it didn't happen, but it might later in the story. I just thought that since they just now realized that they're friends, what I had planned was completely inappropriate, and I put it off. Also, I was having trouble getting into it, and then I just started, as I so often do. The words just came flowing from my fingers into the keyboard, and I supposed I was fueled by the antivirus scan coming up negative for bad things on the lappy (without my lappy, I die. ALL my stories are on it). Anyway, back on track. There might be a few repetitive moments, saying the same thing over and over, and a little bit of sappiness, but you CANNOT deny that the plot has progressed. Only I may deny that, as I am authoress, and since I'm not denying it, then it must be true.
BIG SHOUT OUT TO MY READERS. I love you all. Stayed tuned, because, depending on my mood and when I get my nap (I pulled an all-nighter with this chapter, and not a drop of caffeine passed my lips) you might be able to expect the next chapter later today. Don't expect anything after that for a while. You might get some, but don't expect it. I have to do my summer reading and get the papers done, and I have to do all my school shopping and I want to hang out with my friends, too, so I might take a little break. I love writing, and this story too much to make it a LONG break, so it will be a SHORT break, if any at all. ANd I will wrap up this very long author's note by saying the following; "judder, tandy, skip."
GOD I need sleep.
