Chapter Six
Jennor
Sixteen Years Earlier
I was nervous.
After two years, my primary training was complete.
And even though my father was a veteran, it was unlike anything I expected.
Every morning for the first year my father and I would gallop across the sloping landscape, ripping divots from the grass, heaving in the morning air. He ran so fast, I had to stretch my young legs to the limit, but I kept up. And he smiled.
He would leave at once when we arrived, and I would work with the man I referred to simply as Trainer.
I would step out into the middle of the training yard, surrounded by the larger boys who still hadn't quite grown accustomed to my presence. We would wait for Trainer to arrive, with his loping, exaggerated canter, and he would pace slowly in front of us, sizing us all up. And there was always a stalk eye reserved solely for me.
After some cutting sarcasm or jarring insults delivered in Form Alpha, we started with warm-ups which I usually found tedious. Sometimes he made us warm up even longer if I was particularly impatient. Then, we moved to tail-to-tail training, which was always my favorite. Despite the playful jeers he received from our classmates, Cristex had become my default partner. He was committed and honest, but sometimes, to my irritation, he went easy on me. If I was irritated, Trainer would pull me out to demonstrate a new technique on me. I got injured sometimes, but never as badly as that first day. And now I could morph, so nothing he could do to me was fatal.
Well, almost nothing.
After tail training, things opened up a little. We were often given free time to strengthen our weaknesses or receive coaching from the various specialists on staff. Sometimes, we would simply run for hours. Rarely and happily, we would shoot practice Shredders at the targets. But many times, Trainer would pull me aside and train with me one-on-one.
Even though I saw him every day and spent hours at a time with him, I never quite grew comfortable with him. He always stared at me with those dark, unfathomable eyes, judging me and thinking thoughts I could not see. I kept trying to read him, but like father, he'd found some way to block me. I could read his face and posture, but not his mind. It made me feel exposed and blind. There was always something in his gaze that sent a part of my mind into panic and alarm, sending those electric chills up my neck, but I always suppressed them. He was a good teacher, and I had become a fairly decent fighter under his guidance. And besides, if something was really wrong, Father would have noticed it and done something about it.
But even he had become a less prominent figure in my life.
There was a four-week break in between the first and second year of training. I had wanted to spend that time with my father—to show him what I had learned, to practice with him, to gain experience from a differing opinion than Trainer. But he spent very little time at home. He left before I woke up the first week, and didn't return until after I fell asleep, however much I struggled to stay awake. The second week, I made an effort to wake up before he left.
(Where are you going?) I asked from deep within the twilit scoop after pretending to be asleep one morning. I watched him through the narrow opening below the canvas awning and above ground level. He was bathed in morning sun, appearing as a menacing silhouette. He had been getting ready to leap into a gallop, but I halted him.
(Go back to sleep, Jennor,) he said, voice like stone, turning an inscrutable stalk eye around to me.
(I was wondering if I could show you—I mean, if you could show me—)
(I won't be back until late. Don't wait for me,) he said.
(Father,) I said.
(Sir, Jennor,) he corrected.
(I...)
(Yes?)
(Never mind.)
I didn't see him at all for the next two weeks.
Terenia was there, however, and she looked after me. She rubbed my shoulders and kissed my cheek, and did a strange thing where she ran my stalk eye through her fingers. She wasn't afraid to touch my hands, either. It took me a while to stop resenting her presence, but I began to like Terenia. I admired her. I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to acclimate to a new culture, to adapt in her situation, to live all alone on a new planet, but she did so with a degree of optimism, courage and dignity. Before long, I realized that she and I had grown close. That I liked her very much. That I needed her, almost more than anything. Perhaps we were even shorms.
She liked spending time with me. I told her everything I could about Andal; the things she would need to know to become a convincing Andalite. I told her the little stories and superstitions that Father had told me, I taught her common greetings and taboos. I think I bored her most of the time, but she always had more questions to ask.
In return, I was selfish enough to ask about her old life, and she was kind enough to indulge me. She told me human stories about three "bears" and some wicked burglar named "Goldilocks," an abnormal human with some genetic deformity that caused her hair to grow at an accelerated rate named "Rapunzel," and the first successful cryogenically revived human named "Snow White." Earth seemed like a strange, wonderful place, and though I knew I had no control over where the military would send me when I was finally old enough to be assigned to active duty, I couldn't help but hope that maybe I would end up on an exploratory mission to deep space, pointed toward that arm of the galaxy, with anthropologists, geologists and economists that would delight in the study of humanity.
For the second year, I mostly ran to camp alone. Terenia went with me sometimes, but she did not fly over the fields with me like Father did. At most she would trot, too tired and irritated to go any faster. Driven by excitement, I would always leap ahead, but she'd keep her pace, forcing me to wait for her to catch up.
Sometimes Father was there when I returned home, dragging mud, sweat and dust into his pristine scoop. I would upload the events of my day to him before he could hold up his hand to stop me. Mostly he shook his head at me, annoyed by my boisterous aggravation. But sometimes he smiled. Sometimes, there was a glimmer of pride in his eyes. When I noticed it, he would look away and make some excuse to step outside, but those were the moments I lived for.
And it had all come down to this.
I stood among a crowd of classmates, waiting for a list to be posted. A list that would probably only contain a couple of names. Maybe more. Possibly none. A list that would contain the names of those cadets lucky enough to gain admittance to the equatorial officer's training program.
It was the only chance I had to get out of the mountain range and into the flat, opulent gardens of the equator. The only chance, my father kept reminding me, to show the world what I was made of. If I didn't get in...
Well, I wouldn't worry about that. I was going to get in. Trainer had so much as informed me. A coy little smile, a sly little nod. He had pulled whatever strings he found necessary to pull. But what if he didn't pull them hard enough?
(Hey, Jennor. What's the news?) I turned a stalk eye to see the figure of Terenia cantering down to meet me on the practice lawn. I was surprised. Even though Terenia had said she was coming to wait for the results with me, I hadn't actually expected her to come.
(I don't feel well,) I informed her.
(Butterflies in your stomach? Don't worry about it. Just imagine that everyone is naked. Oh, right, they already are.)
When Terenia was nervous, she would often slip into strings of Earth idioms that my translator didn't handle very well. Most of the time I would just let them go, but this time I was curious.
(What are butterflies?)
Terenia rolled her eyes slightly, annoyed that I had chosen to ask this time. But, nonetheless, she knelt down and allowed me to press my cold hands against her temples.
Terenia and I had discovered this secret connection very early. When she thought about something while I was touching, or at least very close to her head, I could see her thoughts as she controlled them, to a much more acute degree than normal. Any series of images, emotions, ideas or memories that passed through her mind streamed directly into mine. However, no one has complete control over the flow of their thoughts, and sometimes I saw things that Terenia did not want me to see.
An image of Earth flashed in my mind's eye, like a memory I'd long forgotten. I had become accompanied to many of its facets. But this time, all I saw was a pretty garden with soft, green grass. Flowerbeds echoed around the lawn, stuffed with a wide assortment of plant life—orange and fluffy, blue and straight, yellow and elegant. All sorts of insects—yes, that's what a butterfly was—hovered over the flowers, pollinating them. Andal didn't have insects. These insects flew from flower to flower, sipping up nectar and picking up pollen that they would deposit on the next flower they landed on. Yes, a symbiotic connection, that's how the flowers reproduced. Some of the insects were yellow and fat and made buzzing noises as they flew. Others were long and narrow with four transparent wings. And then butterflies, yes, butterflies. As beautiful as the flowers they fed on, bright Earth sunlight reflected off their cripplingly large wings, covered in scales as small as dust that made beautiful, iridescent patterns. I was strangely threatened by the other insects, the...yes, the honeybees and the dragonflies. But not the butterflies. They were peaceful and harmless. And their wings fluttered when they flew.
(You get it?) Terenia asked, stopping the thought and bringing me back to Andal. (If you had a butterfly in your stomach, it would feel ticklish almost. That nervous feeling.)
(I think I know what you mean,) I lied. Having never studied humans, or been one myself, I could not imagine the feeling she was describing. Andalites feel nervous in their shins and shoulders, not in their stomach. And right now, my shins and shoulders were tingling tortuously.
Terenia laughed half-consciously. (When do you find out if you got in or not?) She asked.
(Within minutes,) I said. I wrung my hands together nervously and distracted myself by remembering that any opportunity to warm them without looking too conspicuous was good. They were almost warm enough to touch someone without suspicion. I smiled at my own ingenuity.
(Nervous?) Another voice behind me. I turned a stalk eye and saw Cristex, smiling warmly.
I smiled back at him. (No. I don't know. Yes,) I said, wringing my hands extra tightly.
(Don't be. I know how much Tuxebi has taken a liking to you,) he said with a strange, indiscernible tone. One of his stalk eyes wandered over to where Trainer was standing. He was watching me through gleeful, narrowed eyes.
(Are you nervous?) I asked out of politeness. Cristex wasn't a very strong fighter, and even when he was training seriously with me I found him nothing of a challenge.
(No. It is clear that I was not accepted. I never really desired to be, either. There is a fair amount of prestige that goes along with it, but I still wish to become a doctor. I've been accepted to a medical apprenticeship program not too far from here. I think I'll start there for the new term.)
(Congratulations,) I said with a bright, sincere smile. I was pleased and a little jealous that Cristex already knew he was getting what he wanted. But I supposed my time was short. He bowed his stalk eyes to disengage from me and began walking toward the administrative scoops.
(Who is that?) Terenia asked me privately.
(He's just one of the boys in my class,) I explained. (Why do you ask?)
(No reason,) she said, sliding her eyes up and down him.
My shoulders and shins suddenly burst in electric burrs, adrenaline pounding through me, and I roved my stalk eyes to find the cause. A man was making his way to the middle of the training ground, holding a small computer that doubtlessly contained the names of the students admitted. In a flurry of nerves, the young men all around me suddenly swarmed him.
I had expected as much, but hoped that perhaps I would see the messenger before any of them did. Terenia had distracted me, and she knew that, and touched my shoulder and smiled apologetically.
I waited as patiently as my shins and shoulders would allow. One by one, the boys went up to the list and ran their fingers down it, drooping their stalk eyes and tails and walking dejectedly away, allowing another to fill their place. I waited at the end, not because I didn't think I could butt my way in, but because I was afraid how ferociously my impatience would overtake me.
After what felt like hours, with Terenia's hand still firmly planted on my shoulder, it was my turn to check.
There was only one name on the list.
And it was not mine.
It felt like a blow to the temple. My shins and shoulders were bathed in ice, my tail and stalk eyes fell toward the ground. I was shocked. Already I was trying to think of ways to appeal it, to move forward despite this verdict. I was in denial. But then the reality became clear. And I felt betrayed.
Trainer had lied to me.
(I'm…Jennor, I'm really—)
(Congratulations, aristh Jennor-Elacable-Barees,) a cold, smooth voice sounded in my head. I turned a flaccid stalk eye to see Trainer standing behind me, black-blue eyes smiling strangely. He had approached me silently. I had not seen him coming. (Your father can call you "little aristh" now in all sincerity, no?)
(But, sir,) I said, turning my other stalk eye back to the list. Trainer chuckled in his silent, smug way.
(I would not lie to you, Jennor. I assure you that you were accepted, regardless of what that list says.) My shock turned to confusion. I gazed back at Terenia, who was watching Trainer through narrowed eyes, arms settled hard across each other.
(Why wasn't my name on the list?) I asked.
(Internal politics, Jennor. Boring adult stuff. Just trust your Prince, no?)
Trainer handed me a small computer drive with the military's official seal on it. (Your acceptance notification,) he said. (Take it home, read it at your leisure. I will see you back here in two days, no?) He smiled and touched my shoulder, holding me for a second too long. Then he let go, nodded to Terenia, and sauntered away.
(You will be a War-Prince in no time at all. I can see it now,) he said as he walked. (A few years at Officer's Training, and then your very own Dome Ship. My finest pupil, no?)
(God, he gives me the creeps,) Terenia shuddered. (Why wouldn't your name be on that list if you were accepted? You're not training with him, right? I mean, he's not going with you, is he?)
(Oh, no no, I don't think so,) I said, though I realized I wasn't sure. He had said "my finest pupil" as though our time together wasn't over. I felt a cold shiver run up my neck again, and shook it off.
There was nothing more to be done at the training camp, except retrieve some paperwork that needed my father's signature. I received dubious glances from the young cadets working office detail, but they handed me the paperwork and eyed Terenia peculiarly. She smiled back at them.
The computer drive informed me that I would need to return to camp in two days. Terenia and I had no choice but to return home.
I galloped out of the training camp like the impatient child I was, longing to tell my father the good news, despite the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Terenia took the subtle hint and decided for once to keep up with me.
We tore across the sunny landscape, both the elder and younger suns shining, unopposed by cloud or atmosphere. I breathed out my uncertainty and felt free air on my skin for once. For today, I did not have to worry about performance, grades, fear, death, or fighting. I could run through the hilly slopes like an Andalite should. Eating grass, filtering moisture from the damp earth, absorbing weightless sunlight. For today, I was an Andalite, not an aristh.
I closed my eyes as I ran and breathed the fragrant air. I could tell where I was going just by the changing shape of the landscape. (Don't do that, you could hit something!) Terenia yelled, breathing hard. I opened a squinting stalk eye in her direction and laughed.
Soon we reached the height of the peak that rose above our scoop. I looked down, surprised to see Father standing within it. His arms were crossed out in front of him. I couldn't see him very well, but I could tell he was upset. For a moment I considered avoiding him, waiting until his mood softened to deliver the good news. I could only surprise him once. I wanted it to count.
But Terenia came up behind me, breathing loudly and slapping me hard on the shoulder. While I normally found her touch comforting, I was suddenly infuriated that she broke my thought. I rolled my shoulder to remove her hand. I looked down, and both of my father's stalk eyes were looking up at me.
I scowled at Terenia who raised her hands in a gesture of innocence. Father didn't say anything to me, even though I was within spatial limits of his thought-speech. I slowly approached him, making my way down the hill.
He kept watching me as I approached, curious but uninvested. He stood within the shadows of the scoop, and light filtering through hit the contours of his face hard, outlining the stark angles of his skull.
(You came back soon,) he noticed.
(You were gone when I left. I didn't think I'd see you until tonight,) I said. I realized I was defending myself. He hadn't accused me of anything.
(I want to know if you got in or not,) he said simply, taking slow, cautious steps towards me. He unfolded his arms and reached his warm hands towards mine. I was wearing the holster he had given me. I always did. He didn't let me take the Shredder. He said I was too young. I wanted to. I didn't feel like a complete warrior without it.
His fingertips, callused and veined with age, were mere inches from my own.
(I did,) I said, more calmly than I felt. He pulled his hands away.
(Good,) he said with a heavy sigh. (That is very good, Jennor. Aristh.) For the first time in a long time, I heard emotion in his voice. Mostly…relief. But also, for some unclear reason, a sliver of disappointment.
Terenia had followed me down. She stayed out of the scoop, watching us both carefully. She looked suddenly upset.
(That is good news,) he repeated, voice becoming solemn and emotionless. He turned around and grabbed my Shredder. He handed it to me.
(This is officially yours, then,) he said. (Treat it well, aristh.)
(Yes, sir,) I said, running my fingers over its dented surface.
(You son of a bitch,) Terenia suddenly said behind me. She stepped into the scoop, fists balled strangely. Father and I both watched her advance. I thought she might punch us. I had discovered what punching was by touching her temples. She hadn't meant to show me.
(What did you call me?) Father asked. He wasn't threatening. Just curious. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was a bad thing to say on Earth. And even though she hadn't really said anything, I knew exactly what she was doing. And I thought of about four ways to stop her.
But I didn't.
(I said you're a son of a bitch,) Terenia repeated, clarifying nothing. (Do you want to know why I called you a son of a bitch?)
(I suppose—)
(I called you a son of a bitch because of how you treat her,) Terenia said, pointing a rigid finger straight at me. Father looked at me with accusation in his eyes. I did nothing but gaze back.
(How is it that I treat her?) My father asked, now amused.
(You've brainwashed her into thinking that she needs to kill herself to get you to love her,)
(Love her,) my father repeated indiscernibly with a laugh. This snapped me out of my inaction, and I began to move toward Terenia.
(What four-year-old girl wants to be a warrior?) Terenia asked.
(Stop, Terenia,) I said, stepping in between her and my father. She grabbed one of my shoulders with both hands and pushed me out of the way. I hadn't expected this. I stumbled over gracelessly and fell to the ground.
(A near-mute, near-vecol criticizing my parenting technique? Your stupidity gives you bravery, ignorant human,) my father said, stepping toward Terenia. I kicked out my legs and tried to get up.
(What parenting? You're never here. You never talk to her. You don't do anything but mope and leave! I look after her!) Terenia countered. My father laughed.
(A primitive human as the expert on Andalite child-rearing—)
(Can't you even see the damage you've done to—)
They both continued arguing, thought-speech melding together like white noise, while I finally pulled myself to my hooves.
I backed away and watched them. Terenia was getting irate, but my father remained composed. She threw her hands up in anger, a gesture I could only assume was human, because no Andalite behaves that way. Finally, though, he smiled. And she stopped yelling.
(—for you are nothing but a wounded child yourself. All you women are alike, you think you can change a man's behavior and beliefs.)
My father walked out of the scoop slowly. Terenia glared at him as he walked around her.
(Do you even want to see her again?) Terenia asked.
Father stopped next to me and gazed downward. I looked up into his eyes. For a brief, wonderful moment, they were smiling.
(I want what she wants,) he explained. (I want her to be the greatest warrior that the galaxy has ever seen.)
I smiled up at him, and he kissed my face. It left me unsatisfied. I turned a stalk eye to Terenia. She was infuriated. Father walked out of the scoop and ran, rising over and under the shallow hills like a boat bobbing in water. I watched him as he flew.
(Why did you do that?) I asked slowly, watching Terenia with my stalk eyes. She rubbed the back of her neck in another futile human gesture.
(I was just trying to look out for you, Jennor,) Terenia sighed.
(You do look out for me,) I said. (But you just betrayed me.)
Terenia frowned. (Is that what you really think?)
(I don't know how it works on Earth, but here you're not allowed to accuse people whenever the desire strikes,) I said softly. (Especially falsely.)
(I still don't think—)
(Stop thinking, please. It does you no good,) I said, looking in her main eyes. She was very sad. I felt the cool stab of guilt. (Is this just about you wanting me to stay?) I asked.
(Jennor...that is a big part of it, I will admit. I mean, who will talk to me when you leave? But it's more than—)
(It's only two years, Terenia,) I said. (Remember how fast these last two went?)
(Jennor, don't kill yourself just to get him to love you,) Terenia finally shouted, defiantly. (It's not worth it. Believe me.)
I sighed. I was angry, but I was also tired. I didn't want to deal with her right now.
I didn't say anything more to her, and left in a fashion similar to my father. But before I started running, I looked back at her and smiled.
Two days later, it was finally time for me to leave. I had spent those two days charged with excitement and nervousness. So much was about to happen to me—I was going to fly in my first space vessel, I was going to visit the equator, where all the rich and privileged lived. I was going to be a warrior soon, and then? Maybe a Prince. Maybe even a War-Prince. There was nothing stopping my potential. I could be anything.
Father chose not to walk me to the training camp.
(I am required to rendezvous with you in two weeks,) he promised in a harsh voice. Then he softened. (I want to make sure you'll settle in okay. But for now—)
(Errands?) I asked. That's what he said he was always doing.
He smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek one last time. (You'll fit in perfectly, Jennor. You have my faith entirely.) I thought I felt my primary heart churn and grumble, but I knew I was not that weak.
Terenia walked behind me when we left. She seemed sad, and was very pale for some reason. I decided not to ask her about it. I wasn't angry at her anymore, but she had been acting much differently towards me since she confronted my father. I didn't understand the reason behind her actions, and I did not understand what consequences she thought they'd earned.
We arrived at training camp early in the morning. The other boy who had been accepted was already there. I did not recognize him from any training group that had just graduated. He was tall and strong and much older than the boys I had been training with.
(He's going to officer's training?) I asked no one in particular.
(Welcome, aristh,) a familiar and frightening voice rang out. Trainer was half-engaged with a handheld communicator, watching me with the one stalk eye he always reserved for me. (That is no aristh. Rexxir is already a warrior.)
(Rexxir? But his name was on the list, the list said he was going…) I protested. Terenia stood close behind me as Trainer approached.
(Don't worry about a thing, Jennor. We'll be leaving soon,) he said. His dark eyes turned toward Terenia. (Is the nanny tagging along?)
(It's all right, Terenia,) I said. (You can go home now.)
Terenia walked over to me, glaring at Trainer with her stalk eyes.
(If it gets too hard, or too scary, it's okay to come home,) Terenia said. (I'll still be here. I'll see you again, okay? I promise.)
(It won't be too hard or scary,) I said, wondering why she was being so condescending. I kissed her cheek, and she thought of my favorite Earth image—a beautiful girl with long, red hair, holding a human infant in her hands above her head, swinging it around carelessly and lovingly while the infant opened its pink, crooked mouth, screaming laughter.
(I love you, Jennor,) Terenia said suddenly. The words surprised me, and I wasn't sure how to respond. But somehow, without really meaning to, I said, (I love you, too.) She wrapped her arms around me in a strange human gesture—a hug—but I did not pull away. I felt a stab of something weak and sad in my main heart. It was just then that I realized how much I would miss her.
Tuxebi came over and grabbed my upper arm hard. Terenia released the hug.
(You're taking her?) she demanded.
(Don't worry, nanny, I'll just be driving. She'll have a new trainer when she arrives at the camp. Isn't that right, Bilven?)
Trainer turned a stalk eye to look at another trainer who was loading the other transport with Rexxir. He and Bilven exchanged a strange, guilty look and nodded.
Terenia slumped while Trainer loaded me onto the ship. I had the only thing I would need—my holster and my Shredder—and everything else would be taken care of for me.
(Are you ready, Jennor?) Trainer asked. I looked out the hatch at Terenia, who would not leave. I waved at her, and she managed one final smile.
(Yes, sir,) I answered. I breathed deeply, preparing to take off. Trainer closed the hatch and glanced at me before heading over to the control panel.
It was a while before we took off. Trainer kept whispering to Bilven on the communicator, a large flat screen in the middle of the control panel that he'd plugged his portable one into. I had a little time to inspect the ship before take-off. From what I could tell, it was an older model with two quarters behind the bridge. Two small engines were on either side of each private bunk. I hoped the exhaust ports functioned optimally, or else it was going to get hot. There didn't seem to be good compensation and life support systems. No holographic imagery of the homeworld, no running water save a small, stagnant pool just under the control panel. The panel and walls were white and smooth, and dry grass lined the floor. Overall, it was uncomfortable but manageable.
Soon I felt the engines roar to life, and the ship hovered off the ground.
It didn't take us long to leave atmosphere. I looked down at Andal, expecting it to bend beneath me like a rapid, spinning conveyor belt while we rode just out of the atmosphere to the equator. But we didn't bend. The purple sheen of the grass became less and less pronounced as we flew farther away. I could see the shape of the mountains converge from single monoliths to a massive, veiny range as we got ascended higher and higher. I spotted my favorite mountain shaped like a tail blade, but soon it seemed smaller than a claw.
(Why are we flying so far away?) I asked Trainer. (Shouldn't we have turned—)
I was preoccupied with the beauty of my first space flight. With excitement, fear, and my own selfish desire to succeed. I felt a tug at my holster and I looked up at him. He was holding my Shredder.
(You worry so much, aristh,) he said as he raised the Shredder high over his head and brought it down hard over my skull. I tried to block it with my tail, but I was too slow. I didn't feel its impact, but I did feel myself crumple into an unconscious mass of flesh just as we made the jump to Zero Space.
