Her hand slightly shivered when she reached out to open the door. She was afraid but there was the tiniest bit of hope inside of her. A faint, uncertain smile crossed her lips. She was nervous and excited at the same time. She hadn't spent much time out of the castle. Each time she'd been accompanied by the King or several guards surrounding her. She'd never had much time to herself, the King's eyes followed her everywhere.
"This is your chance," she told herself. She didn't know for how much longer he'd be travelling. This might be the only chance she'll ever get. It felt wonderful to be on her own, to walk these streets without being feared or treated like the Queen that she was. It was liberating and she enjoyed it more then she'd ever imagined.
"What if..." that small voice inside her heart whispered.
But how was it supposed to work out?
She knew that her soul mate was sitting behind that door; Tinker Bell had told her so. What if she walked in there? She couldn't imagine how things would turn out. She knew that once she did she could never go back. She'll have to run away; there was no way she'd be able to stay in this kingdom. She couldn't expect him to do that for her, to sacrifice whatever he had so he could be with her.
"This is not how it works," she thought and bit her lip.
"But what if..." that voice repeated.
Would it really be that easy? Would she simply fall in love with a stranger? Not because she felt that way – she'd never seen him before and didn't even know his name – but because she desperately wanted to?
Regina waited, fighting her inner battle. How many nights had she spent awake, wishing for someone to free her from her prison. She'd longed for someone to hold her and make her feel loved although a part of her wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to let anyone in; let her guard down and open up to another human being. She didn't know that she ever would and she'd never know if she ran away. Taking one last deep breath she decided to ignore her doubts and let fate decide.
Without wasting another second, she opened the door and took a step inside the busy tavern. She was full of hope, her heart hammering inside her chest. Her hands trembled just a little and when she stared into his eyes her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
"No," she whispered and shook her head.
It felt like someone just slapped her; she couldn't breathe, tears dwelled in her eyes.
"No!" she whispered again.
She wanted to run away but she was frozen with anger and disappointment that slowly turned into panic.
"Did you really think you could get away from me that easily?" he said and laughed into her face. She stared at the King who was waiting for her at the end of the tavern.
"Where did he go?" Regina thought and her eyes slowly wandered, refusing to believe what had just happened.
"There's no one waiting for you, my dear," the King said with obvious amusement and started to laugh; suddenly everyone was laughing at her.
"You're my Queen and you'll never be anything else."
"I'll be trapped for eternity," Regina thought and panicked. She felt the hot tears streaming down her face while everyone's laughter increased around her.
She turned around and fled the tavern, not knowing what to do. It now dawned on her that she had nowhere else to go. All the hope that had filled her had vanished within a second; she felt numb and empty. Disappointed and defeated. She didn't even want to imagine what awaited her when she returned to the castle. She should've known.
She ran away into the darkness. She ran until her feet wouldn't carry her any longer, through the forest along a deserted path further into the darkness until it cleared just a little. When she dropped to her knees, trying to catch her breath, she listened. It didn't sound like someone followed her.
"For now," a voice inside her head warned her.
In the shelter of the night, Regina sat in the shadow of a weeping willow, staring at the lake in front of her. Its darkness appeared endless; it surrounded her more than ever. She didn't know what to do; she leaned back against the tree and waited. She had no strength left, not after the disappointment that had shattered her completely. She couldn't move, her lungs hurt and the emptiness inside of her was so consuming that she became anxious. Her breath quickened, her heart hammered furiously inside her chest, her hands trembled with fear. She knew she couldn't go back; it would kill her to be entrapped for the rest of her life.
'YouaremyQueen,' she heard the King's voice saying. "You'llneverbeanythingelse."
Suddenly these words sounded awfully true to her. She didn't have anywhere to go. She'd always be the Queen. A Queen graciously fallen, resented by her own kingdom for betraying the King and his daughter. She had no friends and no family left. She had nothing but the castle to give her shelter. Fresh tears fell on her face when she thought about going back; she didn't want to know what awaited her. The King was never loving towards her. He'd never loved her, only when he felt like it and it satisfied his desires. A shiver ran through her body by the mere thought of it.
"Why didn't that stupid fairy let me jump," she asked and closed her eyes. She was so angry at Tink for torturing her. She shouldn't have saved her, let alone tell her lies of someone who wasn't even there. She had nothing to live for and she didn't want to. She tried to forget, to shut out the world but the disappointment and the humiliation returned, seeping viciously through her body.
A foolish part of her believed that she had seen him there. Just for a single moment, she had seen the man with the lion tattoo but then he was gone.
"Where are you?" she whispered to herself and closed her eyes, allowing the tears to fall. She sobbed quietly until she couldn't stop it any longer. She sat there all by herself, crying until it all went black.
She knew it before she opened her eyes. She felt it; it hurt her physically. Regina was upset at first but as soon as she remembered it little by little, the anger was replaced with emptiness and sadness. She knew that she'd been crying. She felt the tears on her cheeks and wanted to scream with frustration but her voice was gone. She waited, utterly defeated, knowing that she'd done most of this to herself. There wasn't anyone else to blame and she was the only one who could change that.
The memory of the King, laughing at her made her feel ashamed, although it had never really happened but she knew there was a certain truth behind these torturing images. She was disgusted; she'd hated him for all he had done, for all the things he'd taken away from her. All those years that she'd spent within these walls that kept her from a life she'd always wanted.
Suddenly she started crying again, without the slightest chance of controlling it. She got out of bed and quietly made her way through the silent castle. She had to get away from here, from all of this. By the time she reached the great hall, she was out of breath and completely lost track. She stood in the centre of the hall, wondering what the hell she was doing here. She felt lost and out of place, just she always had since she'd moved to this castle.
She had dreaded all of it and yet there hadn't been a way out. She remembered all those nights that she'd prayed for someone to save her, someone who loved her and made her feel loved. She'd lost track until she'd given up.
"But pixie dust doesn't lie..." she heard that voice inside her head saying and she needed a moment to remind herself that all of this had never happened.
The man she'd seen with Tinker Bell existed, he was out there somewhere.
All these years had passed and every now and then, in the hours of sheer loneliness, she had allowed herself to remember and wonder how her life would've turned out, until it seemed stupid. She hoped that he had found someone who would make him happy, hoped that he wouldn't wander lost like she did. She hadn't only lost her chance at true love she'd also lost herself along the way.
Regina walked toward the window, the moonlight glistened on her tear stained face.
"Where are you," she whispered to herself with tears in her eyes, regarding her reflection. She looked right through herself and suddenly she saw a much younger person. The only difference she saw was her hair that fell way past her shoulders, but despite that she had the same desperate look on her face. Regina saw the fear in her own eyes. The silent plea for redemption, the secret wish to escape it all and suddenly she felt very sorry.
With tears in her eyes, she stared at her younger reflection.
A child, she thought. She had been nothing more than a helpless child back then. Regina took one step from the window, resisting the urge to smash it just to get these images out her mind but she knew they'd be lingering there for the rest of her life.
"Where are you?" she whispered into the silence and suddenly it hit her.
"It can't be," she told herself with a mixture of excitement and fear.
She laid her face in her hands and tried to breathe calmly. She opened the window just a little to let the crisp air in. It felt good to be able to breathe but the tears wouldn't stop and she didn't care.
"Where are you?" she whispered again when she heard someone at the other end of the hall. She slowly turned around and saw him standing there.
And if you still don't want me then I promise to leave you alone, she heard his voice saying and suddenly she knew she didn't want him to leave her alone.
She didn't care how messed up she looked like, didn't care that she was still crying all she wanted was to tell him not to leave. Regina slowly approached the man she'd just met a couple of days ago. It had taken her years to let anyone in, to put trust in people she'd known for such a long time and there she was, willing to show her weakest side to someone she didn't know but it all felt so right. She tried to find the right words but all she could do, as she watched him approach, was look at him with all her feelings and fears on display. He had seen her cry and struggle and yet here he was. He didn't turn his back on her. It didn't push him away but seemed to bring him closer every time she felt a little more miserable. She took a few small steps toward him, wanting to show him that she wouldn't run away again and before she had enough strength to speak, he simply held out his hand.
***
He had left before she had a chance to react. He wasn't quite sure if it had been the right thing to do. He didn't want to push her too fast, but leaving her like that probably hadn't been the most ideal solution either.
Slowly he paced his room, trying to decide what to do. He didn't want to go back, didn't want her to feel caged. It was bad enough as it was. He'd heard a couple of more stories during these last few days, things he didn't dare to ask Regina about.
Some stories better remain untold, a voice inside warned him but how could he ignore all this after what he'd seen? He wasn't sure if he'd like to know the truth but he couldn't turn his back on her and pretend none of this happened? He didn't know a thing about that woman and yet it felt like he'd seen her through tear stained eyes and sleepless nights. He'd seen her fear, anger, grief and the never-ending struggle and no one seemed willing to help. He'd heard them talk at dinner, knowing that something was wrong, but no one knew what to do. In the end everyone had decided to simply leave her be because Regina was a strong woman who'd deal with it herself.
Robin wanted to tell them how wrong they were and that such a thing was stupid to believe after all Regina had gone through. And all she had done for them. He didn't know if anyone would even be willing to help her but it didn't seem fair. He decided it was best to not mention it because they didn't seem to know how bad it was and he had a sudden urge to protect her. It was late and most people had gone to bed but he felt too restless to get to sleep. He sat on the edge of his bed, laid his face in his hands, trying to think. To reason with himself and try to figure it all out but he couldn't.
A long time ago he hadn't been the most honest person himself. He almost laughed at that thought because he hadn't been truly honest for a long time because there was nothing quite honest about a thief, no matter what his reasons were. But before that, he had done things he wasn't proud of. He wished that he hadn't done all of this but he couldn't change what had been done. The only thing he could do was change his future. Be truthful, honourable and honest. He hadn't done it on his own; he always had people who believed in him. The Merry Men had been by his side from the very beginning and he was extremely grateful for that. Maybe Regina simply needed someone who believed in her and saved her from her own darkness when she couldn't do that herself any longer.
He wanted to help her, not only because his conscience told him that it'd be the right thing to do but because his heart was in it, there was no way to deny that any longer.
After Marian had died it had taking him such a long time to recover, to let anyone in and believe in love again and it had always felt wrong somehow.
And suddenly there was Regina and it had taken only a couple of days and he couldn't get that woman out of his mind. He thought of the moment he'd held her in his arms, shivering and crying. How she held out her hand and allowed him to take it when he'd cleaned the cut. He knew it hadn't been easy for her and still she'd trusted him somehow.
He knew that he had touched her, somewhere deep inside. Hidden behind the walls she had built around herself. He'd felt her heart beating just a little faster when he took her hand in his, she'd held her breath for a moment when he'd placed their hands on her heart. He felt her warm breath on his face; her lips trembled just a little when she thought he'd kiss her.
He laid on the bed, stared into the darkness but sleep wouldn't come. He was too busy trying to figure out what to do when the silence of the night was disturbed. It wasn't loud but he had good ears. Through the years he'd learned to pay attention to the vaguest of sounds; it had saved him numerous times. He heard footsteps, growing a little louder as they approached his room and disappeared again when they passed his room. He knew that Regina's room and was at the other end of the corridor and she was one of the few who knew the castle well enough to wander through it in the dark. As quietly as possible he opened the door but whoever it was, was gone already. When idle curiosity took over he left his room behind and quietly descended the stairs to the great hall. He waited in the shadows. Quietly, he waited until he saw her in the centre of the dimly lit hall. Regina had her eyes closed, her head leaned back. Her face was stained with tears and she seemed exhausted. He didn't want to frighten her, so he waited.
Slowly, she walked to the windows. He watched her, staring out of it for several seconds. She didn't talk but there seemed to be something that touched her. Without thinking about it twice, he walked into the hall as quietly as possible. Regina was quietly sobbing to herself when she turned around. He didn't back down and, much to his surprise, neither did she.
He regarded her quietly for a few seconds before his feet moved. She stood in the centre of the hall, lit but the moonlight with no strength left to conceal her feelings. Through all the tears, he saw the beautiful woman that had touched his heart so deeply and he knew it then. With every step he took toward her, he fell in love a little more.
Their eyes met and Regina moved forward. She looked like she wanted to say something but came up empty-handed. He understood; saw it in her eyes. She was asking him to stay, telling him she wouldn't run.
Sometimes words are not enough, he thought. He didn't want to talk. This wasn't the time and they were both really tired so he held out his hand to her and watched her as she took it.
