Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, of course. But AM doesn't own Blorgon from Abraxos 8, so na na na. I'll trade...


Rick had never intended to call Dr. John Allen, never intended to pursue therapy. But then he'd kissed Kate under the stars and realized he was going to need help. He woke up, the morning after the party, and made an appointment with the therapist.

Now, three days after Christmas, he found himself sitting in an Eames recliner, thankful that the man didn't have a couch, recapping the last ten years of his life in a thirty minute digest.

"...I was in love with this girl, Kyra, in college. We dated for... three years? She was it, for me, all I wanted, and I thought she felt the same. But then, one day, she says she needs time to think. I never saw her again. After that, I just wanted to have fun. I was never going to get involved, go through all that again. I dated left and right, never let anything get serious or go on for any time. But I met Meredith at an after-wrap party that David dragged me to. She was so much fun, and crazy and I felt alive for the first time in a year. She got pregnant after a few months. She surprised me, decided she wanted to be a mother, so I proposed. I guess I'm surprised now that she accepted. At the time, I just figured I was doing everything right."

"Rick, this is helpful, but for today, why don't we concentrate on the last few years, what's brought you to the divorce, what brought you in to me."

"Well, the divorce ... I need Meredith away from Alexis, our daughter. She keeps doing things that hurt Alexis ... not physically, she's not abusive, she's just an unbelievable solipsist," he said, and recounted the story of their trip to Paris, the abandonment at Bergdorf, and a few others.

"And as for why I am here, what I don't get is, why now?"

"I'm not sure I follow," Dr. Allen said.

"My relationship with Meredith was, for all intents and purposes, over years ago. It probably ended the day Alexis was born. It never really would have happened at all if Alexis wasn't..." he said, with a shrug. He refused to give voice to the idea of an Alexis-free world. "I've known this was all coming for a long time. It's not a surprise. And even back when she started cheating on me, I felt angry, sure, but never ... I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel stupid or worthless or depressed. But now ..." he shrugged.

"But now you do."

"Yes. And isn't that dumb? I've had years to deal with this, so why is it all hitting me now?"

"Maybe it's real for you now in a way that it hasn't been before."

Rick played with a fraying thread on the arm of his chair, not looking at John. He thought about it for a minute.

"I guess. Maybe, until now, it was always a plot point I could change. Until it goes to the publisher, I'm still in control, something like that. But... this hasn't been a point I've wanted to change. I mean, I've wanted to put it off, sure, because none of it is going to be fun, but... I never thought, 'Wow, I hope Meredith and I turn things around, fix our marriage.'"

"Maybe not, but it is different, thinking about something as a hypothetical versus dealing with the actual fallout."

"I just feel like a failure."

"Well, two things about that. First, failing is not the same as being a failure. Second, if you feel like you failed in your marriage, I'd like to know what you think that you could have done differently to make it a success?"

Rick stared out the window. "I really don't know. I wish I did. Then I could not make the same mistake again."

"Let me offer this, at least as something to think about until our next session. Was marrying Meredith the best thing you could have done, not knowing what you know now, but knowing what you did when you married her? Is divorcing her the best thing you can do, knowing what you know now?"

Rick went to answer, but John held up his hand. "No, don't answer now. Just enjoy your New Years, and try to think about what I've asked. We'll talk about it next week."


Kate sat in the break room of the precinct, watching the New Year's festivities on an ancient television where most of the colors had faded out over the years. She couldn't tell if the blue-gray blob that was talking was Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest, or Blorgon from Abraxos 8, not that it really mattered. She was the lone detective on on premises, since oddly enough, New Year's was not a particularly busy night for Vice. Too many legal options for debauchery, she figured.

She felt her cellphone vibrate in her pocket. Five minutes to midnight, she guessed there was only one person who'd call.

Well, only one person she wanted to be calling.

"I'm not waking you, am I?" Rick said without preamble.

"I'm at the station. On call tonight. I figured you'd be at some glamorous famous people party."

"Famous people don't do amateur night."

"Oh, of course."

"Actually, they do, but I don't, unless I have a book I have to promote. So I'm just watching the ball drop with Alexis."

Rick had mentioned Alexis a few times, told her a few stories over the phone. But Kate had yet to meet Alexis, so she had no picture in her head of the little girl.

"Sounds fun," she said. She wanted to ask a question, but nine year olds were a mystery to her. What could she ask that didn't sound stupid?

He chuckled. "We do this every year we can, at least since she's been old enough to know what a new year meant. She always wants to stay up, see the ball drop. She hasn't made it yet, though tonight she did make it to almost eleven."

"So that's it, it is? Your company falls asleep on you and you call me out of boredom?"

"I was going to call you anyway. So, what is being on call like?"

"Normally? Just like working. Tonight? I'm keeping myself awake with bad coffee and Farnsworth's original TV. Which reminds me, are we watching Dick Clark or Ryan Seacrest? I'm watching channel four."

She heard him flipping channels in the background.

"Wow, that is a crappy TV. It's actually Regis Philben."

"Oh," she said, laughing, "Then I guess I'm glad I can't see."

"I wish you were here."

"Rick... as much as I wish I weren't here, being there probably wouldn't be the smartest idea, given the whole going slow thing."

"No, I suppose not. I'm not saying you should be here, just that I'd be happy if you were."

"Fair enough," she said, leaning back on the breakroom couch. "And me too. I could come by for breakfast."

He laughed. "Kate, please don't make me have to be the voice of reason. It's not a good look on me."

"Okay. Is it okay to say that I hope we aren't ringing in 2006 apart then?"

She heard the catch in his breathing, realized she'd pushed too far.

"I'm sorry, Rick."

"It's fine, Kate. It's fine," he said. She could hear in his voice that it wasn't, but that he was trying. "I can't promise anything right now... but I hope that too."

"So, did I tell you about the pimp we brought in last week, who'd been catering to elf-fetishists?" she asked, changing the subject.

"That's a thing?"

"One thing you learn, at this job? Every thing is a thing."

"I need to start writing these stories down. You're like, five books worth of material."