Chapter seven

Harry stepped out of his bathroom and saw Minerva McGonagall standing in his bedroom.

'So it's your turn is it Professor, well go ahead, but I'm not going to listen because none of you can understand how I feel, how I've been feeling for years,' Harry left the room with his old professor following him.

'I'm not going to have a go at you, because I understand why you did it. The others, Hermione, Ginny and the Weasley's are your family, their hurt that you wouldn't let them help you. They're not seeing what you've been through, not yet, but they will.'

'Why do you understand, we're not friends even if you know me. Sorry I don't mean we're not friends, but not like the Weasley's, Hermione, Ron and Ginny. How can you understand why I did this and I didn't just give up?'

'Before Albus died he spoke to me about you Harry. He said you are the type of person that will tell Hermione and Ron things, but you always left most information out. He also told me that as a child in that house you went through more than your friends know. He kept an eye on you and wished he could have taken you out of there, but he had to think of your safety. He said that if he thought your life was in danger there, then he would have put you somewhere else. He knows they did a lot to you, some cruel things, but he had to weigh that up against the danger you might have been in if he put you somewhere else.'

Harry turned away so he couldn't see her face, 'Did he tell you what happened?'

'Yes, because he knew one day you might need someone to talk to as he knew you would never tell your friends what you went through.'

'Why would he think I would talk to you though? Yes I can see you're a caring woman, and I've seen some of the looks you've given me, like you care about me more than other students, maybe it was you just felt sorry for me like others do.'

'I did feel sorry for you, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. The reason he thought you might speak with me and say not Arthur or Molly is because you might see me differently to them. That you might see me as a parental figure, someone that you can trust and not judge in any way, but to just listen to what you have to say, give advice if you ask for it. Molly and Arthur think of you as a son, but you still see them as your friends parents. You used to talk to Albus, then you spoke with Sirius, then Remus. None of them had their own children, just like me.'

'He always did know me,' Harry sighed wearily, 'He's right though, I only see Mr. and Mrs. Weasley as Ron and Ginny's parents no matter how much I care for them and they care about me. I've seen the sad and shocked looks on Mrs. Weasley's face and I couldn't take that if she knew what I'd been through. I miss talking to Sirius, Remus and Dumbledore. But Sirius and I used to sit and talk a lot when I was at Grimmauld place. I told him everything, almost everything, even when I thought I was becoming like Voldemort, evil like him because I kept getting so angry all the time.'

'What did Sirius say to you?'

'That I wasn't like him, that I wasn't an evil or a bad person. Just someone that bad things had happened to, that it didn't make me bad. Would you like some tea professor, I know I do right now.'

'Yes, thank you,' Minerva and Harry stepped into the large open kitchen where Kreacher was already making the tea so they sat down at the table.

'When I found out I had part of him inside me, I felt sick, then shocked because I realised after everything I'd been through, I had to die in the end or he would live.'

'Albus told me about that Harry and I do understand now why you walked into that forest to face him.'

'I don't think I was meant to live professor, I feel like I should have died with my parents and that's why all this shit kept happening to me.'

'That's not true, Albus told me the prophecy, so it could have been either of you.'

'Maybe, can I ask you something, it's a bit personal?'

'You can ask and I'll see if I can answer.'

'Have you ever killed anyone, whether it's fighting for your life, or like at Hogwarts during the fighting, or just to protect someone, have you?'

'During the fighting, yes I did. Now tell me why you wanted to know that?'

Kreacher put their tea in front of them, 'Thanks Kreacher,' Harry sighed and looked up at his professor, 'It's the way I feel now about myself, it's hard to explain. But I killed Voldemort and I know he had to die, he was pure evil, but I still did it. I had the same feeling after Quirrell, I basically killed him, then again with Pettigrew. He heard my voice, hesitated and the hand Voldemort gave him, killed him, but it was still my fault. Cedric was my fault, even if I never killed him. Sirius is the same, my fault that he died. But to actually kill someone, it changes you, I noticed that after Quirrell. That's basically when I stopped telling Hermione and Ron things because I knew they wouldn't be able to understand. When I was by myself that night, I came across a death eater, he was torturing this girl, using spells on her, but he also did more, if you get my meaning. When I saw that, I just completely lost it. I killed him, and never felt a thing for him. Even now, I don't give a shit about who he was, even if he had kids. That girl was dead when I bent down to help her, and she had the look of fear on her face as she died.' Harry took a drink of his tea before continuing. 'I saw Mrs. Weasley killed Bellatrix, she never hesitated, just did what was necessary, which I do get. Bellatrix almost killed Ginny and Fred had just died. I wanted to kill her after Sirius, but I tried torturing her, didn't work though. She laughed and kept telling me I had to mean to cause pain. Now though, I find it easy, like with Carrow. I didn't even have to really concentrate. What he did to you made me so angry that if I did think, I might have changed my mind and just killed him, and that was before I came across that death eater.'

'I do know the feeling Harry, but I don't feel guilty for one reason, it was war. It was kill or be killed. You were eleven years old when you faced Quirrell and Voldemort. Going through that will live with you forever. It was not war, but it was for survival, you killed because if you didn't, he would have killed you and Voldemort would have got hold of the philosophers stone. Killing is not as easy as a lot of people think, not as simple, straight forward. You're taking someone's life, you see the light leaves their eyes, see their life force, or soul leave their living bodies. It can change you, it could make you hard, or stop caring. There's lot of things that you can feel after going through something like that. Molly just lost her son and almost lost her daughter. She might not have cared right at that time Harry, but she would be feeling something now. I know you might not be feeling anything for him, but you do feel something, just like Molly would.'

'Yeah, she probably does, I don't know. I sometimes feel like if I could kill Quirrell and Voldemort and that death eater, and even though they were evil, could I kill someone because I got angry enough again. I was so frightened when I saw that curse just miss Ginny and I was going to kill her before Mrs. Weasley stepped up. If I did, it would have made four people I literally killed. I don't even care if she had family, like Quirrell. I never wanted to know anything about him, not if his parents were alive, if he had siblings and I still don't. I just don't care about him in any way. Voldemort, well he was different. He had no one, I knew that, but it wouldn't have stopped me. He was going to do everything he could to kill me so I knew it was kill or be killed. Can I ask you something else professor?'

'Again, ask and I'll see if I can answer.'

'Do you think your born evil like Voldemort or could you turn evil because of the way you were brought up, or something happened to you when you're young?'

'With Voldemort, he was born evil. Albus told me about the memory he showed you of him in the orphanage. He said even then he felt it from him, so he was going to keep an eye on him. Other people like Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy, they weren't evil as children, or even teenagers. They were Slytherin's in the truest sense, always thinking that pure bloods were the only wizards and witches worth knowing. But they never killed back then, not till Voldemort became their lord. People can be influenced if the right words are spoken or even the right situations occur. Look at young Mr. Malfoy, he really wasn't a bad person, he was just brought up with his father's beliefs. He never wanted to hurt Katie bell or kill Albus.'

'No, I saw that myself. When I went to confront him in the bathrooms, he was crying. Then on the night Dumbledore died, he was scared. I saw Voldemort threaten to kill him and his parents. He might be a git, but no, he wasn't evil,' Harry sighed and looked down at his cup, 'Dumbledore was right, I do feel better talking to you. But I want to say something, I have no idea if Dumbledore knew this or not and if he did whether he told you. It's the main reason I don't tell my friends things, why I keep things to myself. It was very painful and too embarrassing to talk about with them. You're a woman that's been around for a long time, seen a lot of kids go through Hogwarts. You might have known things about them that other's didn't. Now before I tell you, have you ever noticed how I hug Hermione and Ginny, but how it's different to how I hug Ron. Hermione and Ron I feel exactly the same about, but I do touch them differently.'

'I have noticed, but I just figured it was two boys hugging, most boys will hug like you two do, or quick man hugs as they called it. Hermione's a girl, you hug her like a girl.'

'It's not that, I hugged Sirius like I hug Hermione. I even hugged Dumbledore like Hermione. But Ron, even Neville, I can't hug them the same.'

'Tell me why Harry.'

Harry swallowed then looked up at her, 'It might have been before, I don't remember, but what I do remember was from eight years old. I was abuse, at least once a week sometimes it was longer. It stopped when Hagrid turned up, he was worried I'd tell him. Did Dumbledore know about that?'

'No, he didn't, if he did I know he would have taken you out of there. And as to what you said before, yes, I have seen many children, girls and boys that have been through that. Usually it's a family member, like uncles or older cousins. Why didn't you tell Albus when you first came to Hogwarts?'

'It stopped by then, but also he was just this legendary figure that I'd heard and read about, I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was going on. I also knew he was the one that left me there in the first place.'

'I'm sorry you had to go through that, but please explain why you could hug Sirius and Albus, but not Ron or Neville. If a man did that to you I would have thought it was the other way around.'

'It wasn't my uncle, it was my cousin and his friends. At first I don't think they realised what they were doing, they just liked to hurt me. I was just this weird kid in oversized clothes and broken glasses. But I noticed when I was nine that it changed, they seemed to enjoy it, they got off on my pain. That is the reason why I couldn't handle this blindness, it wasn't that I couldn't see, yeah I didn't like it and I kept thinking about the future. Not being able to see Ginny's face when we got married, not to see my children come into this world, never to see their faces. See if they looked like me or Ginny. That was hard, but I know I would have coped with that. It was what I kept seeing inside my head that made me try to kill myself. What happened in that house, all of it kept going through my mind, then all the times with Voldemort. Those were the memories I couldn't live with, I can't live with. But right now, being able to see again, their just memories pushed to the back of my mind, it's different now. I still hate the fact that it happened and it's still a memory. But I have other things I could see,' Harry looked back up at his professor, 'See you look sad because of what I told you, but it's not the type of looks I'd get from others, from my friends.'

'If you and Ginny work all this out, do you think you could tell her? It might make her understand that you never gave up, it was just too hard for you to live with.'

'Maybe, I don't know. What if I do tell her and she can't handle it. What if she thinks I could do something like that to our kids when we have them? I've heard that happens to abused kids. They end up abusing other kids, sometimes their own. I know I wouldn't, I couldn't, but Ginny might think that.'

'Yes it does happen and it would be a risk you might have to take. But if Ginny has time to think about it all and you, I think she would realise you would never do anything like that. You could never hurt anyone deliberately Harry, especially a child. Carrow was different as he was a death eater and he could have easily killed me, or should I say tried to kill me. You went to hurt Bellatrix, but again she was a death eater and had just killed Sirius. Same with that death eater, he hurt and killed that girl. You also knew those three were part of the war we were all fighting. It makes you think of them differently. Do you know that Draco told me what happened that day in the bathroom, which me you would never go out to deliberately hurt someone even if you did not like them.'

'What did he tell you?'

'That he fired the first spell at you. He kept trying to hit you with the cruciatus curse, but you mainly went for stunners or disarming. I think why you did hit him with that other spell was because he almost got you and you have had that curse used on you before and you just reacted. He said what he did was mainly down to you, Harry Potter saw him crying, and that's why he did it.'

'Yeah, he was crying, he was scared and he didn't want to do any of that.'

'Do you want my advice on if I think you should tell Ginny about your past?'

Harry glanced up again, 'Okay, but I can't say I'll take it though.'

'Fair enough, but I think you should. It would make her understand why this was too hard for you. It's like your nightmares Harry, when you're asleep and your mind is resting, it shows things that aren't normally at the forefront of your mind. Most people do that unless there is something going on in their life at that very moment, otherwise they might think or see things from their past.'

'That happens a lot with me, mainly things about Voldemort from years ago. Because I was so focused on him, my mind mainly stayed on him. Now he's gone and my unconscious thoughts drifted back to those times. It's the same with this blindness,' Harry sighed, 'I'll think about what you said, about everything you said.'

Harry and Minerva lapsed into silence as they finished their tea. Harry knew he would talk to her again and he found it easy to talk to her. Minerva hoped Harry would talk to her more because she knew he wouldn't talk to his friends, at least for a while and he did need someone to speak with. She just hoped it helped him sort out his feelings and also that his friends would realise Harry has been through more that they could ever imagine.