A/N: Aww. You all know me too well, don't you? :)

Chapter Seven: One Step Behind

I nearly panicked when Casey called in on Monday. She had called Jack and just let him know she would not be here. She did not call me, and when we had parted ways the day before, she had seemed fine except for what I had done.

Sleep had been non-existent the night prior. I had lain in bed, tossing and turning and managing to twist myself in my sheets completely, but sleep never came. I replayed the afternoon in my head over and over again. Like the truly guilty, I had tried to convince myself that it had been okay, that she had been hinting at something with me all day, but that did not separate the fact that permission had not been given and nothing explicit had been said. She could have just been teasing me, or she might not have even been aware the effect she was having on me. How I felt was my problem, not hers. Except that I had made it her problem.

I had plans to apologize, to ask her if she was doing okay, to let her know I would put in for a different unit if it would make her feel better. I felt like an idiot and an asshole. I had expected her to be angry, to tell me that I had crossed a line. It seemed like it would have been more in her nature to confront me, but she was not at work. And, she was absent Tuesday and Wednesday as well.

By her Thursday absence, I was considering dropping by her apartment just to make sure she was okay. But, my guess was that she needed her space. I had violated her space once already. I really did not need to do it again.

"Marla," I questioned as I frowned at Casey's empty office. "Did Casey tell you what's going on by chance? I'm worried. She's been absent a lot this month."

My secretary looked up at me, lips pursed. "She's absent a lot each month, Alex," she chided. "I think she must have a sick family member she takes care of or something." Worried, my brow must have pinched because she clicked her tongue at me. "She's always on the phone with doctors, Alex. I'm sure everything will be alright. Why the sudden concern?"

I shrugged. "I'm just worried about her cases," I lied.

Of course, Marla would see right through that. "Uh huh," she said. "Office." She pointed to my office and followed me in making me feel like a little kid about to get punished. Closing the door behind us both, she gave me a hard look. "Alex, did something happen between you two? I know you've been nicer with her of late, and your office door is open much more frequently. You're becoming a team player which I think is great, but I've had to stop and wonder why."

I must have been staring just a little too hard at my feet because the next thing she asked me was very nearly accurate. "Did you mess up?"

Nodding, I sighed. "I think I did," I answered. "I don't really know. I had been hoping to discuss matters with Casey, but she's out today."

Marla looked at me and sighed, her hands on her hips as she stared at me. "You remember that advice I gave you when you first started working the felony docket?"

I nodded. "Don't get intimately involved with coworkers. It was your number one rule."

"Have you?" I shook my head. It was only a half lie. And, she must have figured on that because her next question was "Do you want to?" And, I learned a long time ago to never lie to Marla. She would know it in a heartbeat, and she would be on me about it. I leaned up against my desk, my hands holding onto the wood tightly. "You do. Alex, Casey's a sweet girl, but she's your coworker. If anything awkward happens between the two of you, it'll roll over into work, and that can damage both her cases and yours."

"Tell me about it," I grumbled.

"Something happened," she concluded. "It's none of my business exactly what, Alex, but I doubt that whatever happened is the reason Casey's not here. She's absent a lot anyway. It may not even correlate."

Biting my upper lip, I nodded. "Yea, you're right. I'm just being an idiot."

"Yes, you are," Marla agreed. "Nothing Casey has is doing anything tomorrow or early next week. She does have a motions hearing next Wednesday. If she's not back by Monday, you might want to prep for that. Otherwise, it's a good week for her to be out. Maybe she planned it."

I shrugged. She called in sick, so I did not think that to be the case, but I appreciated Marla's efforts. "I have a ton of paperwork to do on my cases," I said. "Thanks for the pep talk, but I better get on that in case I do need to attend her hearing Wednesday." I slid into my chair behind my desk, shaking the mouse on my computer to wake it up.

I spent the next two days completely engrossed in my office work. Monday morning, I was called by the detectives on my way into work and wound up diverting to the squad room. I did not even know if Casey was at work. I spent most of the day there, watching a perp interview, offering legal pointers when the need arose. Usually, they did not call one of the attorneys in unless it was a major suspect – or, unless he came with his own attorney.

This one qualified as both. The son of a senator. My world was going to be interesting Hell the next few weeks until the media forgot about it. Jack would want every 'i' dotted and every 't' crossed with such precision it wouldn't even be funny. If I landed with this case, Casey would have to take a couple of mine not set out for a while and just baby them. If Jack stuck her with it, I would have to do the same for her. Either way, it was not a big deal, but if the man in the hot seat really was the perpetrator, then Casey and I would probably wind up co-chairing the case which put me as automatic lead being the more senior ADA of the two of us. I would put money that Jack would sit us both with this one.

"What do you think, Counselor?" Don asked as he turned to face me, Olivia and the new detective, Nick something or another, still grilling him. Amaro. He was a transfer in from the narcotics division since Stabler's retirement. I had not really met him except that morning. In fact, until that morning, I didn't know Don had chosen someone. There was mention about one other detective, a female, who was supposed to be starting from somewhere out of state. I did not ask for too much detail. I figured I would get it when she got there.

Sighing, I shook my head. "I think I'm in for the legal battle of my career," I said, nodding to the attorney in the room with him. Brian Archibald was notorious for winning his cases. None of the ADAs liked him. He was vicious and crude which one needed to be as an attorney, but he slaughtered everyone if he could, victims included. It was often more traumatic to be questioned by him, I thought, than to have to tell the story over and over. "But, you said you've got DNA, her ID and statement, and an alibi for him that doesn't check?"

Don nodded.

"Book him in," I murmured. He really had not given up much in the interview, but Archibald would never allow for that anyway. "He'll be out tomorrow. I wish I could hold him remand, but judge is going to want to set bail. For no priors, senator's son, politics sake, any judge will set a bail. Best I can probably do is a half million and surrender passport. I still don't know about the money part, but it doesn't matter because any amount, Daddy can bond."

"You sound so hopeful, Alex," Don sighed. "Well, it's a start. We'll tread carefully."

"Good idea." I unfolded my crossed arms and sighed. "If you don't need me-"

"Yea. Thanks for coming out. We wanted to make sure this was overseen appropriately."

"You know I'll probably offer a plea."

"I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

I shook my head. "You know it's not because of the challenge. I live for the challenge. I dread the thought of putting Stacey up on the stand to be crossed by that hound. He'll break her in half and enjoy every moment of it."

"An attorney as bad as his client?"

"Aren't we all," I quipped.

At the office, Marla was already on lunch when I walked in, her desk empty but for a few files she was updating for me. I noticed a couple of Casey's folders on there, too, so I opted to knock at my coworker's door. "Come in," Casey called.

I pushed the door open. "Hey," I said, standing awkwardly in the doorway. "I, uh, I'm glad you're back."

She smiled at me. "Just a cold. I'll get over it." Her office was dark, as it usually was, and in the light from the computer screen, I could see the bags under her eyes. Common colds did not usually knock people out of work for a week. Plus, I could not remember her sniffing, sneezing, or coughing the Sunday prior to her absence. Whatever had hit her had been hard, fast, and long. Well, longer than I normally saw my office mates out for a cold. "You were busy this morning. I didn't see you."

"Yea," I said, opting to not call out her questionable excuses to her absence. I thought it was the same as the last time she had been out. Or, wait – had that been the flu? "Detectives picked up Andre Bishop."

"Uh oh. Senator Bishop's son?" I nodded. "Shit."

I smiled. It was not the appropriate time to smile, but her saying 'shit' was about the most comical thing I had seen that week. The smile faded almost instantly, though. I was not exactly feeling like I had the right to be smiling about anything she said or did. Granted, that she was talking to me about work was more than I thought she would. "Yea. More likely than not, we're going to co-chair this one. Is that okay?"

"I don't see why it wouldn't be," Casey answered me. She looked so tired. I just wanted to hug her and tell her it was going to be okay. But, I had messed that up. It would not be okay.

Nodding, I stepped back. "Great," I said, grabbing for the door to pull it closed behind me so I could head to my own office.

"Wait, Alex," Casey said, standing. "Uh, I missed last week's outing. So, can we plan for tomorrow? I got tickets for the Met. It's Madam Butterfly. You'll have to explain what's going on to me and tell me how to dress. I've never been to an opera before."

I stared at her, dumbstruck. Not only was she still wanting to pick up like we had never left off, but she was trying to do something she thought I would enjoy and have experience with. To me, that was mind boggling. "Casey, I – you don't have to. You're a competent attorney. Your confidence is growing. Plus, well, we don't have to honor the deal we made if you don't want to."

She shook her head. "I want to, Alex. It's not even about the deal. It's just about going somewhere, being a tourist in my own city, and having someone to go with who actually enjoys experiencing the world."

Hugging myself, I shook my own head. I had thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Casey. Part of it was the going out, the doing, the experiencing outside of work. Part of it had been that my company had been Casey. "I don't think I can, Casey. Not after –" I stopped talking, unsure how to phrase it. That someone would set me at a loss for words was unusual enough, though in regards to the situation I had found myself in, it was not among those which I had planned. I was accustomed to losing control because of someone else, not because of me.

She bit her lip, standing and coming around her desk to me. "Alex, you're still talking about the ice cream shop. I'm not worried about that. What happened happened, and if you really wish it didn't, then that's fine. We can go on forward from here. I don't want to stagnate. I think you're a good person. I like going out and doing whatever."

"How are you so nonchalant about everything?" I asked, not really understanding her. It was definitely the mystery of it all that was part of my lust for her. That much, I knew from my previous escapades. Once someone to whom I was solely attracted to in a sexual manner was no longer a mystery to me, they lost their appeal. It had been that way since I was seventeen, out every night with a motorcycle riding bad-boy wanna-be. It really did take me some time to grow into my name.

She reached behind me and closed the door. No one was in the halls to hear, but I could understand her want for discretion. Actually, need, considering the conversation Marla and I had the previous week. Sighing, she leaned against the door for a moment before moving as if aware that I might want a quick out. She let me be between her and the door, but she leaned on her desk, her arms folded around her stomach. "Alex, what was your intent kissing me?" she asked as she tried to meet my eyes.

"I don't know," I whispered as I did my best to dodge the green emeralds. I could not escape how exhausted she looked. From her voice and her stance, this was not a conversation she wanted to have, though it was one we both knew would need to happen. The sooner, I guessed, the better. Especially since she did not want to condemn me for it.

"Okay," she said, and even in the barely lit room, I could see her biting her cheek. I thought she had lost some weight, but since she was wearing a blazer and pants whose style was intentionally loose, I could not quite tell. "What was your intent kissing me the way you did? I mean, Alex, that kind of force was enough to make my lip bleed." Casey picked at her lower lip as if to say that where she was pressing her fingers was where my forceful kiss had sliced her lip open.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Physically or emotionally. I don't know what I meant, but it wasn't that." My lips had bruises where my teeth had pushed against them for days afterward. I really had powerhoused her. It was something I knew I could do. Jim and I had kissed like that, with pure need, but I had never been the forceful one with him. He had been the powerhouse with me. I always had the capacity to kiss him back like that, but never the desire. Maybe that was why he and I had fallen apart at the same time Robert and I did.

"You're avoiding the question, Counselor," she chided, and I caught a glimpse of those eyes looking up at me from her slouched position. There was a fire in them still, despite her lethargy. It was a kind of hardness that I expected from her when I had only seen her at work. But, having seen her in a more private atmosphere, I had realized Casey was a lot gentler. She wore her heart on her sleeve, and I was beginning to recognize even when at work she sometimes struggled to not bare her soul. I was beginning to believe that it was that character trait that had landed her in the place where she had managed to get herself suspended in the first place.

Shaking my head, I sighed. "I don't know, Casey. I just had this overwhelming urge, and I lost control. I pushed, and I didn't mean to hurt you. It won't happen again. Do you forgive me?"

After a moment, she nodded. "You threw me, Alex," she whispered. "For someone who says she doesn't work out, you are deceptively strong." I cringed. I had used a lot of force against her. Far more than would have been necessary, but, looking back, I thought I was frustrated, and when I was frustrated and throwing a fit, I tended to be dangerous. Usually, I was only a danger to myself, but that had not been the case at that moment. "But, I'm not as innocent as you think I am, Alex."

That caught me off guard. I quirked a brow, frowning at her. "What does that mean?" I asked, though I thought I was beginning to understand. She was going to try and reassure me, to release me of blame, but that did not matter. I had too much resting on my own control. To be out of control terrified me. If I lost control, then I was more aggressive, more violent. It was not how I liked to be. I did not feel good afterward. And, I usually did things I genuinely regretted. I had been volatile my entire life. My parents had invested thousands of dollars in therapy and anger management courses for me from late elementary school on for me to learn to control it. Me out of control was rare, but it was scary. And, I had lost a great deal of it that afternoon with Casey.

"You've been treading the waters with me, and I know it. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the staring. Awkward, but it makes me think I'm pretty when I don't feel all that beautiful at all." I wanted to tell her she was drop dead gorgeous, but I kept my mouth shut. Evidently, I had some deeper issues to work out. Marla had noticed which I expected. She had known me since I started in Sex Crimes, and she was exceedingly observant. But, Casey as well? That was, as she had said, awkward.

She rubbed her arms which made me wonder what it was she had to be so nervous about. She was definitely in control in the room. Not only was it her office, but she had stripped any semblance of control I had away when she told me she knew I had been watching her. "I'll admit, feeling your eyes watching me in court has been kind of an ego boost. It helped me to pull myself together when I was struggling with a witness. I appreciated that. But, I never would have thought you to be attracted to the fairer sex. You keep it under wraps really well. The basketball court was the first time I think I really knew."

I said nothing as she sank into one of the chairs in front of her desk. Feeling awkward still standing, I lowered myself into the other and pressed my lips together. The way she was looking at me told me that she still had more to say and that she was not planning on letting me talk until she was well and truly finished. So, I made it easier on both of us. I didn't speak. After all, I had been the one to make it difficult in the first place. "I'm not innocent, Alex. I know what lust looks like. I deliberately laid my head on your chest so I could hear your heart beat. I know what the hitched and deep breathing means. I know what the dilated eyes mean. I knew, I especially knew, when your voice changed tones. It shocked me at first. I had been hoping you would just approve of me as an attorney, but I realized you were looking at me as a physical, sexual human being. I teased, taunted, and drew you into that."

"Don't blame yourself for what I did," I said, shaking my head. "Casey, it doesn't matter whether or not you thought I was sexually attracted to you. Please don't try to excuse what I did."

"I'm not," Casey said, her voice suddenly stern. I bit my lip and sank against the chair, staring at my lap. "My point is that you didn't do anything that needs to be forgiven. I goaded you into reacting. You reacted. We're both at equal parts to blame, so stop being sorry." Her voice quieted to a whisper so that I had to look up at her, to watch her lips to make sure I was hearing everything correctly. "What happened, it can't happen again. I can't kiss you again."

I nodded, thrilled that she was not going to hang this over my head. I knew she was not a manipulative woman, not with mal-intent, but I had worried a little that she would want to be in separate units. I would not have minded that, but SVU was our shared passion. I would leave before she did, but it would kill my heart and soul if I did. She was right. She had no desire to be a politician. She had let me control the power in the office, and she was handing me back the reins I had dropped when I had freaked out about my own actions at the ice cream shop. "Of course not, Casey. I will absolutely respect your space."

She stared at me like I was missing something big. But, then, she just smiled and shook her head. "I know," she mused. "So, about the Met?"

"You still want to go?"

"I wouldn't have invited otherwise. Come on, Alex, please don't make me go alone. A show of faith that we can both move forward?"

"Alright," I agreed. "Tomorrow."

She smiled. "Great. If we leave straight from the office, we can grab dinner."

"You're just adding more to this, aren't you?"

She just smiled.

"Fine," I said, "Dinner as well."

It wasn't until nearly nine o'clock that night, still curled in my office, that realization hit me like a train. At first, I did not understand why my brain thought it was important. It was the memory of Casey telling me that she had made a career of words: she spoke very deliberately when she did. She did not pick the wrong words. That was something she had been very specific about, as if she had wanted me to be permanently clear on the topic. I stared at my computer screen without really seeing it for several minutes before I realized why that was so significant.

I leaned back in my seat, my jaw slack, eyes wide. I had been the one to insist I would not step out of line again. She had been the one to say that she would not kiss me again. My hand floated to the back of my neck. I had not noticed until I had showered the previous Monday morning that there were scratches on the back of my neck. I had assumed they had come from basketball. But, the little half-moons would have been a perfect match for nails. They were gone a week later as I traced my fingers over my neck, searching for the marks in my memory bank, but I thought about that afternoon. I thought about shoving her hard into the wall. I had heard her hands smack the brick. My teeth had grated against hers. I had been so focused on the body beneath me that I had forgotten about anything else.

And, as I considered it, I could remember that for a brief instant, her hands left the wall. One clung to my hip, pulling me close. I had gotten so close I could feel her skin beneath her clothes, her heart in my chest. She had not pushed me away. She had pulled me closer as if, in that instant, she wanted to absorb me into her. Her other hand had grabbed at my neck, her fingers digging in, bringing me down as she pushed herself up, me into her, her into me. She had not been pushing me away from her. She had been pulling me closer, egging me on.

Casey Novak had kissed me. No holds barred, kissed me.

The weight of the realization crashed down on me, and I found myself crying even though I did not know why I was crying. Cabots did not cry, but, then, I wasn't really a Cabot, was I? Everything she had pushed at, hinted at, goaded me with just fell on me. She had told me in the most subtle of ways everything that I needed to know. But, it wasn't me she said could not pursue her. She did not want to pursue me. And, at that moment, I had far more questions than I had answers. But, the loudest of all as I sat on the floor of my office crying was why?