A/N: I got concurrence, haha. I already expected that to happen, I knew that there would be this huge burst of Luby talk fics, but I'll continue anyway. I knew about these spoilers for a long time already, and two weeks ago I decided to write them in this story.
I'll defenitely continue this story, but I'm not sure yet if I'll continue in a sequel or in this story.

Disclaimer: Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.
Summary: A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?
Warning: English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)
Spoilers: From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!
Other stories: You should check out 'The Young Troubled,' my Carby high school fic ;)!
Thanks go to: Maarten, who totally agreed with this chapter, for being my beta!
And to the amazing eleven (!) reviewers for the last chapter! You rock my world, believe me!

Edited the datas in every chapter, rewrote some things and corrected some mistakes!


My Golden Rule

Chapter 7 – We'll make it work

Friday, 23 December 2005 – 10:30

I try to focus on the pile of magazines on the small table in front of me, but it's not working. The chair is cold, I'm cold, although it's probably quite warm in here.
I rub my under arm, feeling the goosebumps but it doesn't help.
My lips are dry and it's about the sixth time that I swallow the lump in my throat away that manages to come back every minute.
The nervousness, the fear, the hurt, the regret that I already have... It's not about to disappear.

'When will I see you again?' Luka asked me yesterday evening on the phone. I didn't know.
After that I sat on the couch 'til midnight, crying.
Still, I'm here.
I'm here to end this, so I can continue with the life that's finally working. And I can only try to convince myself that that isn't selfish.

"Abigail Lockhart?" A young nurse stops in front of me. "Dr. Coburn is ready for you."

I nod. Hesitating I get up and walk along the other people, following her to the room.

Thoughtless I close the door behind me and shake Coburn's hand.

"Abby, good morning."

"Good morning," I say back and sit down in front of her desk.

"You're planning on an abortion?"

Abortion... Please no. "Yes," I mumble and stare at the pen tray on her desk.

She nods. "You can have an abortion up to eight weeks, are you sure you want to do it this soon?"

A nod.

"Okay, that's okay. Have you discussed this with anyone?"

"With the father," I speak hoarsely, immediately seeing Luka's face again.

"And what are you reasons?"

I know I should say something. But I can't really say...

"I need to talk with you about this, it's hospital policy," she says and shoves her chair closer to the desk.

"I..." I evade her gaze and focus on the small pattern in the grey blue carpet. "I am not the right person to have kids. I just, I don't want to."

I do want to.

"You're sure about that?"

"I am, yes," I state and look at her for a moment. What a pokerface this is.

"Do you think you'll regret this later?" She asks and leans with her elbows on the desk.

What, is this some sort of interrogation? I just need to get this done.

"Wouldn't it be wrong if there's no regret at all?" I say.

She leans back, sighs and crosses her arms.

"Some women come in here, absolutely sure of what to do, and they leave here with relieve, not with regret. Other women come in here, and they do regret this afterwards. But that doesn't mean that they're not glad that they did go through with it.
And some women will regret this from the moment they leave her, for the rest of their life."

For the rest of my life.

"I want to go through with this."

Oh man. I glance at my watch; 10:38. I won't be able to leave here before twelve. It's already getting on me now.

"Okay. Then I guess I'll explain you the procedures."

I don't answer that. Procedure. I don't want a procedure.

"There are two ways in which we can end your pregnancy. Because you're in such an early state, I think we'd go for the medical abortion. No surgery involved. I'll give you Mifepristone pills, it will block the progesterone. Two days later, we'll insert Misoprostol, that will causes your uterus to contract and empty. It won't take longer than 24 hours, and it should feel like an early miscarriage. Cramps, nauseous, abdominal pain..., but we'll give you painkillers for that."

Empty my uterus...miscarriage, cramps... Frowning I give her a small nod.

"Otherwise we'll use suction to remove the pregnancy tissue from the uterus, we'll numb the cervix to reduce the pain, it won't be longer than ten minutes. You'll experience menstrual-like bleeding and cramping as well."

My stomach turns as she finishes and looks at me. Somehow I feel dizzy, nauseous even. I'm not able to think straight anymore. I don't want the cramping, I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose this baby. How can I...

"I know this isn't easy," Coburn says. "But you do have to make a decision."

A million thoughts flash through my mind. About back then, about now... If I make this decision, if I go through with what I'm planning, I'll never be pregnant. I'll never be a mother, then I'll lose this child. And I don't want to. It's now that I realize that I really don't want to. I want this baby. Whatever happens, I can't do this. Not now, not ever again. I want to raise my child, I want to see this. I want to see who I'm carrying, I want Luka to see that. I can't, I really can't let this just disappear.

"If you have any questions..." I hear Coburns voice, calling me back to reality.

Suddenly shivering I shake my head, swallowing and trying to block any tear from falling.

I close my eyes for a second, seeing Luka's smile, my mother, the babies I held in my career.

And then I open my eyes again and clear my throat.

"I can't."

------------------------------

Completely numb I'm walking through the empty hallway of the hospital, staring at the soft yellow of the floor that passes my feet while I keep seeing little babies, children, new moms, baby stuff...

Oh Geez. Oh man, I didn't do it.

Still overwhelmed by what I just did I make my way to the end of the hall and then I'm there. The doors shove open, letting an enormous wave of cold air rush over me.

And then I'm outside. Somehow I feel free from everything that worried me. Free from decisions, the anxious feeling that had me under control since last night.
I breath in, enjoying the coldness that surrounds me.
I'm out. I'm out of there.

Swallowing away the last bits of nervousness, I hesitately start to walk away from the hospital, over the square of the main entrance.
It's now that I notice that I'm still shaky, and that maybe I'm in even in more doubt than before, because right now there's no way back. And there never will be a way back.
It's for real now, I'll have a baby.

Still thinking of the consequenses this decision will have, I cross the busy street and then I'm on the sidewalk close to the river. I lean against the freezing banisters and cross my arms, while I stare at all the water in front of me. Jesus, I'll have a baby with Luka. Who would have ever thought? I didn't. And I still don't believe it. I really don't, but I'm pretty sure it's true. There's this little... thing inside of me. A baby. My God, a real baby.

I hear a car slow down behind me. Still with my gaze fixated at the water, I hear the car stop and a door go open. But then someone clears his throat and says my name.
Not just someone.
Luka.
Immediately I turn around, my hands still on the banisters.

He just stares at me, looking scared somehow, like he's not sure how to act. Neither do I. He coughs again and leans against the car. I give him a weak smile before my eyes move to the ground.

"Are you waiting for a cab?"

I shake my head. "No," I answer as I look at him again.

He raises his eyebrows while he closes the door behind him. "Are you in pain?"

I shrug, still a little overwhelmed by his sudden appearance.

"I know you told me not to come, I'm sorry," his eyes focussed on me again, trying to get through to me.

He makes his way to me, coming to stand at the banisters a few staps away from me. His mouth is a little open, he looks afraid, insecure of what I might say. But I don't speak.

I just swallow and put my hair behind my ears when the wind blows through it again.
He smiles carefully as he let one hand glide over the banisters to mine.

His touch and the soothing squeeze he gives me make my body move closer to him.
Still quiet I press my head, myself against him. I feel his chin in my hair and his arms around my middle while I wrap my arms around his back and hold him tight.

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad you came," I mumble in full honesty. I really am so glad that he's here now.

He rocks me softly for a while but then he takes a small step back and looks down in my eyes. "Do you want to sit down somewhere?"

I shake my head, and realize that he still assumes that I went through with it, and that he still thinks that I'm in some sort of pain, that I'm upset. But I'm not. Not really upset.

"I'm fine," I whisper, looking up to him. "I couldn't do it," I answer his confused face. With that I let out a relieved breath, glad that it's out now.

Anxious I wait for his reaction but he just narrows his eyes and frowns a little, probably trying to figure out what I'm telling him.

"I didn't do it," I say in my normal voice now, trying to get through to him.

His hands are still resting on my upperarms, his eyes grow wide, his mouth falls a little open again. "You...didn't?" He raises his eyebrows. "Like..."

"Like I didn't went through with it," I say softly and smile.

He nods, carefully smiling as well now. For a moment he looks at the water, getting over the shock, figuring out what I just said, what just happened, or better said; what's still happening.

"I'm still pregnant," I say with another, now more confident smile.

"So you're still..."

I lick my lips and can't help to laugh at his doubt.

"Yeah Luka," and suddenly I'm sparkling, glowing, or whatever all the magazines say.

His smile grows wider, his eyes get bigger and fill with joy, excitement, and an amazing amount of surprise.

"So... we..." He doesn't dare to say it out loud, apparently too scared that he still might understood me wrong.

"We're having a baby," I finish for him with a nod. I'm proud. Proud at myself, at him, at us, at everything...

He bites his lip, still smiling, but then turns seriously again. "And you're sure?"

I nod again. "Yes Luka, I'm sure," and then I laugh.

Grinning he takes my left hand and plays with it a little bit. "Say something..." I chuckle and wait for his reaction.

He grins, shakes his head and then cups my face in his hand, kissing me on my lips.
"I love you."

My first reaction is to laugh, but he says it with such an intense look that I can't. "And you made a right decision."

I nod as he presses his forehead against mine. "We'll make it work," he whispers.

"I know," I answer softly and wrap my arms around his neck. "I know..."

I really do. Because suddenly everything feels right. He's here, I'm here, and I'm still pregnant. We're having a baby. It's freaky, it really is. But God I love this... I really do.

------------------------------

After we stood there for quitte a while, Luka parked his car and we've been walking since. It's one o'clock in the afternoon now, and we're crossing the bridge. First we talked about practical things; appointments, if we should tell someone, what we should do with work, but somehow the subject changed to the other side of all this, and now Luka's talking about languages, and that he really wants to learn this kid Croatian, and that I should consider learning it as well. But I'm not really listening anymore. I really can't help it, but I've had ridiculous fluffy fantasies about us and a perfect little healthy baby for a while now, and that's probably why I'm having this smile stuck on my face.

"Ab?" Luka suddenly asks me.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" Oh God, he didn't ask something important right?

"I asked if you want my scarf," he says grinning. It's a pretty good idea actually, I really am cold. But it's a little strange that he notices that earlier than I do.

"Do I look cold?" I ask him as I drape his scarf around my neck.

"Your lips are purple and your cheeks are bright red, you look sweet," he chuckles and rubs my back. "So, what were you dreaming about?"

I shake my head with a laugh. "Nothing, nothing important."

"Good thoughts?"

I smile and press my head against his upperarm while we keep walking. "Very good thoughts."

I'm really amazed of my own behaviour, and still of the decision I made. But I truly believe that I made the right one, because I did what I really want, and not what I always told myself that was the best. And maybe that is why I feel this pretty much new feeling of some sort of happiness taking over me.

And I don't know how long it will take before I start worrying again about genes, mistakes and whatever may cross my path, but at this moment there's are none of those bad thoughts. Just the good ones, as I said.


Thank you for reading!

(Preview for chapter 8: I promised you christmas in chapter 4, so then I'll give you all christmas, soon!)

Nah, you weren't really thinking that I'd let Abby go through all that again right? She deserves a little happiness every once in a while right? Hope you enjoyed it and that I stayed in character most of all!

Please, leave a review!