Somehow Meredith managed to make it through the first half of her day and is now sitting at lunch with her friends. She is off in her own little world. She doesn't know how she is going to take care of two babies by herself. She misses him. She misses him so much. She is snapped out of her reverie by someone shouting her name.
Izzie: MEREDITH!
She jerks her head around.
Meredith: Huh? What?
Izzie: Are you okay? You looked like you were in your own little world.
Meredith: I'm fine.
Izzie: Okay. So, how was your doctor's appointment today?
Meredith sighs. She might as well tell them. She rubs her stomach. She is happy about being a parent. She is just scared. She is just alone. She wants him.
Meredith: Well, I'm having a girl…
Before Meredith can finish her sentence Izzie jumps up and starts clapping.
Izzie: Yayaya!
Cristina: Calm down, Barbie.
Izzie sits back down and looks at Meredith.
Meredith: And a boy.
Izzie's mouth drops open and Cristina spits out the water that she is drinking.
Izzie: Twins??
Meredith just nods and lets her head fall forward into her hands.
Meredith: I….I….
Cristina sees the distress in her person and decides to do something completely out of character. She cringes just thinking about it.
Cristina: I say that we move Barbie here this weekend to the spare room down the hall and then we can go shopping to set up the nursery in the room next to yours.
The mouths of everyone at the table fall agape as they all look at Cristina in shock. Meredith lifts her head from her hands and tilts her head to the side.
Meredith: Seriously?
Cristina: Seriously. You better accept the offer before I change my mind.
Meredith smiles warmly at her person.
Meredith: That sounds great.
Izzie: I'm so excited!
Meredith: Thank you guys. I really wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
Cristina: No need to get all sentimental. You are our friend. This is what friends do.
Meredith just nods, knowing better than to push the issue.
Izzie: When are we going to do this?
Meredith shrugs.
Meredith: I can probably get the whole weekend off.
Izzie: Yeah, I'm off on Saturday and Sunday.
Cristina: Me too.
Cristina looks at Alex and George.
Alex: Look, I'm her friend but there is no way that I am going shopping for baby crap.
Cristina: We don't want you to go shopping. We want you to help move stuff and help set up the nursery.
Alex: Oh. Well, I have to work all weekend, but I can come over after I get off and help move.
George: Yeah, me too.
Just then Meredith's pager begins to go off. She looks down at it.
Meredith: Gotta go.
Everyone: See ya.
Meredith just waves as she leaves the cafeteria.
Cristina begins to stand up and go prep a patient for surgery, but Izzie's voice stops her.
Izzie: She's not okay.
Cristina: I know. But she will be.
Cristina walks away from intern table and continues with her work.
(scene switches to Meredith)
Meredith walks quickly down the hall and up to the Chief's office. He had paged her. She sees Patricia sitting there and she motions for her to enter.
Meredith knocks lightly on the Chief's door.
Chief: Come in!
Meredith opens the door and walks in to the Chief's office. He motions for her to sit and she does so.
Chief: So, how was your doctor's appointment today.
Meredith sighs. She has to tell him. He will find out eventually.
Meredith: It was fine.
Chief: So, did you find out the sex.
Meredith: Yes. A boy and a girl.
Chief: A boy and a girl? You're having twins?
Meredith: Yes, sir.
The Chief's eyes are wide with shock. He runs his hand over his beard.
Chief: You know, I could call..
Meredith interrupts him.
Meredith: No! I don't…no.
Chief: Okay then…but I want you taking it easy. I'm going to cut you back on your hours…
Meredith: But..
Chief: No…no buts…no more than 60 hours per week. If you are tired or need anything talk to either me or Bailey. You have to take care of yourself, Meredith.
Meredith: I know, sir.
Chief: Okay. That's all.
Meredith stands and prepares to leave his office.
Chief: Remember Meredith, if you need anything, anything at all..
Meredith: I know. Thank you.
Meredith leaves the Chief's office and walks to the nurses' station on the surgical floor. She is working on a patient's chart, trying to push her pain and misery into her subconscious, when a voice calls out her name.
Voice: How are you feeling, Dr. Grey?
Meredith turns around at the sound of the familiar voice and smiles up at the tall figure.
Meredith: I am fine, Dr. Sloan.
Mark: Have you called him yet?
Meredith tenses at this and shuts the chart abruptly.
Meredith: I have to go.
Mark: Addison told me, Meredith.
Meredith raises her eyebrow.
Meredith: It doesn't change anything.
Mark: He deserves to know.
Meredith feels the tears begin to form in her eyes. She knows. She knows that he deserves to know, but she is too damn hurt to pay him that courtesy right now.
Meredith (in a whisper): I know…but…I can't…not yet..
Mark: You have been saying that for four months now..
Meredith (louder, tears now streaming down her face): I know that!! But it still hurts!! It still hurts like hell Mark!! I can't! I just can't!!
Mark reaches out to embrace her but Meredith turns quickly on her heel and runs away. She runs. She runs until she reaches the intern locker room. Her shift isn't over yet, but she doesn't care. Not right now. She gets her bag out of her locker and doesn't even bother to change out of her scrubs. She runs out of the lockers room, out of the hospital, away from her friends, to her vehicle. She gets in her vehicle and begins to drive.
It begins to rain outside as Meredith's tears continues to cascade down her flushed cheeks. She doesn't know where she is going. She just needs to drive. She continues to drive until she finds herself turning down a familiar dirt road that leads to a familiar trailer. The trailer where they consecrated their official relationship. The trailer where she felt at home in his arms. The trailer where for the first time in her entire life she find herself thinking about having a family with the love of her life.
She had found herself at this trailer several times before. She came here a week after he had left. She came here again after she went to her doctor's appointment for her three month checkup. The last time she came here was two weeks ago. She just needed to smell him. To be surrounded by his scent. Cristina knew that she came here sometimes, but no one else knew. She didn't want anyone else to know.
She parks in front of the trailer, in the same spot where he used to park, and she numbly gets out of her vehicle. She stands there for a moment and lets the rain fall on her numb body, mixing with her tears. She wants to wake up from the nightmare that has become her life. She misses him. She needs him. She loves the lives that are growing inside of her, but she doesn't believe that she can do this on her own.
She slowly makes her way to the trailer and unlocks the door with the key he had given her. She steps into the place that he once called home and immediately begins to sob. She slowly makes her way back to the bedroom, dragging her hand along the wall in an attempt to get as close to him as possible. She collapses on the bed and climbs up to the pillows. She inhales deeply, hoping to breathe in any remainder of the scent of him that remains. Upon exhaling, the sobs become more intense. Her body shakes and the pain, the pain is unbearable. She rakes her fingernails roughly across her skin as she searches her soul for reasons.
Meredith (sobbing): Why…why……why me…..oh God….Derek…..I…..I…miss you…..I need…you….why….why…why….
Meredith buries her face deeper in the pillow and digs her nails deeper into her skin, drawing blood this time. She doesn't care. Her emotional pain is too deep and too intense for her to even notice the physical pain. She wishes that she felt physical pain. Physical pain can be diagnosed and treated. No one can treat the emotional pain that she is suffering. No one but him. Her cellphone and her pager go off numerous times, but she doesn't hear them.
His scent…the scent that she is trying so hard to find…his scent is gone. Time has finally carried it away and Meredith finds herself breaking all over again. The pillow underneath her head is now soaked with her tears and the pillow that she is hugging is now covered in the blood from the numerous gashes she has made and continues to make in her skin. She doesn't know how long she has been lying there. She doesn't notice the headlights that appear through the window or the sound of the car pulling into the drive. She continues to sob. She continues to mourn for her lost love. She continues to claw at her skin, seeing it as a barrier between their souls. She continues to feel the constant breaking of her heart as the emotional pain that was once bearable has become too much. She doesn't look up when the door to the trailer is thrown open and she doesn't acknowledge the voice that is shouting at her. She doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything right now. She doesn't care because she can't. She can't care about anything because the thing…the person…that she cares about the most is gone. He is gone and she is completely helpless and in too much pain. In this moment, in this moment before she acknowledges the person in the trailer who is desperately trying to get her attention, she wishes that she could die. Because then, then she wouldn't be in so much damn pain.
